Disagree with husband about childbirth

[soshnomore]

So I'm not pregnant but hoping to be in the next few months. I have previously told OH I would ideally like a water birth, which he was totally against. He is very much of the opinion that a 'normal birth on land' has worked for 1000s of years so why should I want to do something different.
Last night I brought it up again after reading a study that showed water births can decrease tearing and generally improve a mother's wellbeing during childbirth.
He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby, and cites statistics about mothers who have c-sections being more likely to develop PTSD or PND.
It's like debating with a child. He doesn't listen to my point of view or really take my feelings into consideration at all in the situation.
"I'd rather we find a woman who will carry your egg and give a normal birth than choosing to "lay my eggs in water when they should be laid in a nest"."
I mean come on... He basically said if I had a water birth he would never forgive me.
I've said we can speak to a doctor or a midwife and seek their advice but he is dead set against it and has "had his last word on it".
Am I being unreasonable to think that ultimately the way I give birth is my decision, and he should have more consideration for how I will feel in this whole thing?

I can't get over the fact he thinks the more pain a woman goes through the better the bond. What a twisted way of thinking, he actually would prefer you to have as much pain as possible it seems. No regard for women whatsover.

I think raising children with this man will bring no end of problems.

Oh so he is going to maybe change his mind once he has spoken to the (male) dr. He may believe him but not you?

Good luck op

Is this thread for real?

I honestly don’t know if I believe it surely no man is that thick?

Is this thread for real?

I hope not.

What I also dont understand is how it appears both OP and her OH think that a section is pain free? It 100% is not!

Please don't have children with this man.

I had a vaginal birth, no pain relief what-so-ever, episiotomy and forceps - that was excruciatingly painful. I ended up with PND, didn't bond with my baby for a long time, didnt even believe my eldest was mine until around 16 weeks PP or so. My 2nd baby, I was actually planning a homebirth, had the all clear to go ahead, but I had severe pre-eclampsia and needed an emergency c-section. I have an amazing bond with this baby. So your husbands theory is bollox. Oh and until he's risking his life, going through the pain of not only labour but pregnancy and all the risks that brings as well he has got 0 right to dictate to you how YOU give birth. Ultimatley you do what is best, safest and easiest on you and your baby.

so... he thinks you can't bond with a child born without huge amounts of pain, so thinks that you should use a surrogate rather than try strategies to cope with the pain? How will you bond with the child born to the surrogate then?

@soshnomore the smiling face and this is joke comment is idiotic on your part. You will have massive issues with this man all your married life if you go ahead.
Religious or not a loving and kind man would never want to see his wife in pain, he would want to do anything to lessen it as he possibly
Could. Having issues over something like this is no laughing matter and your just going to set
Yourself up for a life of misery. I know from first hand experience, I was pregnant with my abusive ex’s baby and while I had awful sickness he told me that I should just get over it and was just awful about anything to do with pregnancy it was a massive red flag that he had no sympathy or empathy towards me.
I last heard his now ex wife left him as he controlled her for years to the point she could t leave the house, I just think that would of been me. I’m not saying your husband is as controlling as that but the fact he thinks he has a massive say on whether or not you have a water birth and such a disregard for your feelings over your own body says a LOT about what kind of man he is.

The thing is, as other posters have pointed out, although this is about your birth choices and his (lack of) respect of them, it goes deeper.
If he is wanting you do to birth HIS way, then what about other aspects of childrearing?
What about when your child(ren) are born? Are you going to be told whether you can go back to work?
What about when the you're ill andyour child(ren) need care?
What about as the child(ren) grow up? What if your DC don't "conform" to the norm - how will he react?
What will his expectations of sons be? How does this compare to his expectations of daughters?

I'd be very worried.

Oh and hahahaha yeah the c-section: that was 100000x harder than the vaginal birth - the actual procedure obviously hurt alot less but the healing after is no joke! Trust me c-section is not the "easy way out" at all. Not that any birth is easy obviously.

YABVU for even considering allowing this person to impregnate you.

There’s a global population of nearly 8 billion. Go and find one among that number who isn’t a complete fanny.

Trouble is, once you e given birth, you'll be changing nappies wrong, feeding wrong, disciplining wrong, every little thing you'll be expected to defer to him on.

That is why you shouldn't have a child with him. Your whole child rearing experience will be a ducking nightmare battle with this fuckwit.

I think water births are a bit weird personally (sorry), but the idea that pain makes you bond with your baby more? Fuck that shit. That's fifty times weirder. Why anyone would want his loved one to experience unnecessary pain is terrifying.

Lol I had a vaginal birth with an epidural and don’t have pnd. Pnd is more likely to make an appearance when women don’t get the experience or care they want/need.

Who is giving birth, your husband or you?
I had a water birth with my second child and loved it. Was actually able to process the birth and even enjoy it.
Humans used to live without electricity.... Doesn't mean we still have to.
No idea what your husbands problem is but he needs to get over it

What a knob. OP, I had an EMCS after 30+h in labour and getting all the way to the pushing stage (baby got stuck). Had an awful stay in hospital for days after. I was awfully depressed after for months. I'm pregnant again at the minute and still dealing with the emotional fall out from the first time.

Anything you can do to make it an easier experience for you- do it. It's you that's doing the hard work, so don't damage yourself just to please his stupid ideas.

"He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby" So he's going to bash his head against the wall while you give birth, is he?

OP, he sounds very domineering and has a horrible attitude to you. Please consider whether you really want to have children with him. I wouldn't want to live with him.

In all seriousness, I genuinely wouldn't have a kid with this person. Really. Your OP has got red flags flapping all over it.

Is this real??? Why are you even considering having children with this sexist pig!!!!

LTB. No way would I be shagging him let alone having a child with him.

In all seriousness, I genuinely wouldn't have a kid with this person. Really. Your OP has got red flags flapping all over it.

More red flags than a Momentum rally. ☹️

OP please please listen to the people saying don't have a child with him, and to leave him.

He thinks he gets a say in your private medical decisions and pain management!?

Even if you manage to get to a resolution on this issue, I would seriously reconsider building a life with someone with completely opposing views to me, that doesnt listen even when the issue affects me a million times more than it affects him.

Where and how to give birth is one of thousands of decisions you make as parents, and they only get more difficult as your children get older. Can you imagine if you have different views on something like breastfeeding, say if it didnt work and was extremely painful and you and the baby were suffering because he thought it was best for the baby so you should persevere (or you wanted to but he was against it for some reason). Or he thinks the baby should 'learn to self soothe' at a few weeks old and is adamant you leave them to cry when you know they actually really need feed and comfort? Or if he believes that physical punishment is the best way to discipline?

If he has an opinion that's different to you and you think his way of doing things is going to hurt your child, I promise you it's actually much worse than if you disagree and you think his way might hurt yourself.

If you insist on pro creating with someone who is ill informed, stubborn, arrogant, and doesn't give a shit about your opinion or health or best interests, then I'd advise going to NCT or visiting your local maternity ward.

For what it's worth you dont need to give birth in water, you can just labour in there if you want, but only a minority of people actually manage it (only very straightforward and relatively quick labours qualify and there are relatively few pools available at any one time normally). There are advantages and disadvantages (including labour often slows down in the water). I spent part of my labour in the water, and the pain relief aspect of it was amazing - I found it much more effective than gas and air.

Lastly you might want to bear in mind that one of the main factors in PND is an unsupportive or abusive partner

I do love him so it's not as easy as people just telling me to leave him

He doesn't love you, @soshnomore.
He cannot, because he clearly dislikes women so much.
That dislike is possibly based on ignorance, & fear - possibly culturally inherited, but that is no excuse for his outrageous assumption of control of you.
It also doesn't excuse his sadism.

There is a pattern with domineering, controlling men like your DH.
If you think his views are shocking, irrational & hurtful now, just you wait til he's got you up the duff. Til you are birthing. Til you have a tiny person to care for that he views as his personal possession - you know, just like he views your body as his personal possession.

Please, please reconsider what "love" means.
How can you love someone who is RELISHING the idea of inflicting almost unendurable pain on you?