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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Disagree with husband about childbirth

654 replies

soshnomore · 11/12/2019 10:34

So I'm not pregnant but hoping to be in the next few months. I have previously told OH I would ideally like a water birth, which he was totally against. He is very much of the opinion that a 'normal birth on land' has worked for 1000s of years so why should I want to do something different.
Last night I brought it up again after reading a study that showed water births can decrease tearing and generally improve a mother's wellbeing during childbirth.
He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby, and cites statistics about mothers who have c-sections being more likely to develop PTSD or PND.
It's like debating with a child. He doesn't listen to my point of view or really take my feelings into consideration at all in the situation.
"I'd rather we find a woman who will carry your egg and give a normal birth than choosing to "lay my eggs in water when they should be laid in a nest"."
I mean come on... He basically said if I had a water birth he would never forgive me.
I've said we can speak to a doctor or a midwife and seek their advice but he is dead set against it and has "had his last word on it".
Am I being unreasonable to think that ultimately the way I give birth is my decision, and he should have more consideration for how I will feel in this whole thing?

OP posts:
ChristaMSieland · 11/12/2019 11:28

Reverse? (Or something)

Instagrump · 11/12/2019 11:28

Why the fuck would any woman willingly breed with this absolute fucking moron?

If he's giving birth then he gets an opinion.

I've had three. One on my back on dry land like he's no doubt seen on telly and thinks is the proper way. It was horrendously painful. When it was over I actually didn't bond instantly because of how she was born. Totally by the book but labour pain is something I can't handle. 12 years later we're finally close.
Second was on my knees over a bean bag and was only slightly better. We bonded okay.
Third was water birth. The experience as a whole was a thousand times better than my others (who were both by the book, uncomplicated normal births). The pain was halved by the soothing water. I was far more lucid for the birth and as a result it was a better experience and I had and instantly strong bond.

So your husband is an idiot who knows nothing at all.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 11/12/2019 11:30

He isn't old fashioned or traditional, he's a bullying arse. Tradition pretty much uniformly states that birth is women's business, doesn't it?

This won't be the first time hew chooses to stamp all over your thoughts and needs. Just be glad he has given you an early warning of his intentions.

messolini9 · 11/12/2019 11:30

He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby

Ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HAHA! At DH, not you, OP.
Tell me, does he secretly hate you?
Does he always assume that he has total autonomy & control over your body, & knows what's best for 51% of his species?
Also, why are you with him?

If you are going to tolerate him in your life following this startling fuckwittery, can you please, pretty please, tell him that when he is capable of parturition, he will be capable of assessing how to birth his own child from his own body.
Until that glorious day, could he kindly butt THE FUCK out of making any decisions about yours?

Ellie56 · 11/12/2019 11:31

Listen to what everyone is telling you. Having a child with this misogynist twat is really NOT a good idea.

You need to get out of this relationship while you can and find someone who will respect you. This man definitely doesn't respect you.He will get worse if you stay with him, and worse still if you have a child with him.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 11/12/2019 11:31

I'm sorry but I would be seriously putting a pause on this relationship. Do not get pregnant - this type of argument would be flinging up red flags all over the place.

He's utterly ignorant and very badly informed about birth, but that's not the crucial point. The crucial point is the way he is dismissing your feelings, decisions, and wishes of what you want to do with your body.

Making me feel a bit eurgh imagining having this man as a birthing partner, to be honest.

OvaHere · 11/12/2019 11:32

Don't have children with this man.

Phrowzunn · 11/12/2019 11:33

Giving birth and looking after a newborn are WAY harder than you think they are going to be. I mean it, there isn’t a way for someone who has done it to explain it to someone who hasn’t done it and actually make them understand. It tests even the most solid, loving, mutually-respectful of relationships. From what you’ve written, I really, really, really don’t think you should have a baby with this man. It’s easy to say, as you are already married and, culturally, divorce would be extremely difficult, but it is not too late. As PPs have said, is this really the life that you want for yourself and for your children? Really think about it.

Nomorepies · 11/12/2019 11:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

BigChocFrenzy · 11/12/2019 11:33

Please don't have children with a man who wants you to experience pain

LTB and check in advance any future OH for such cruel ideas

abitlostandalwayshungry · 11/12/2019 11:34

He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby

He sounds sadistic. That's a really abusive way to look at child birth and I urge you to rethink your relationship

Gottobefree · 11/12/2019 11:34

Do not have kids with this twat. He has no respect for your wishes or your body

ddl1 · 11/12/2019 11:34

You're the one who would give birth, not him! It should be your decision, not his. And where does the idea that 'the more pain, the better you bond' come from? It sounds positively sadistic. Are you genuinely sure that you want to continue this relationship, let alone have children with him?

Deathraystare · 11/12/2019 11:35

He is very much of the opinion that a 'normal birth on land' has worked for 1000s of years so why should I want to do something different.

Oh of course, he is the expert on childbirth. You are a mere woman. What would you know? Fancy thinking you had a choice! Back in your box, woman!

Smelborp · 11/12/2019 11:35

Honestly I wouldn’t stay with someone who thought they could dictate what happens with my body and welcomed pain for me.

JaneR0chester · 11/12/2019 11:35

@soshnomore unless this thread is a massive wind-up, could you please explain why you're even considering having children with this man?

The only information you've told us about him has raised red flags for many of us reading your thread - seriously, do you think he's going to be a good husband in the future? A good parenting partner?

XmasRibbons · 11/12/2019 11:36

He's a stupid, arrogant prick. And I would seriously reconsider having children with him, he sounds unhinged if I'm honest. As if he actually suggested a surrogate! And questioned bonding after a c-section.

How does he know women didn't have water births historically, they have evidence of the 'first' known water birth in 1805! He has no say over how you choose to give birth, he should be supporting you not saying that he'll never forgive you for choosing a perfectly reasonable, safe and natural birth!

How did you manage to get married without his strange views ever coming to light?

Deathraystare · 11/12/2019 11:36

He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby

Well only do as he says if at the same time you are going through this pain, he agrees to have a red hot poker shoved up his arse. Seriously!

FlaviaAlbia · 11/12/2019 11:38

Don't have a baby with this man. Run.

He wants you to go though pain and won't listen to you. How on earth can you respect him?

And what would he be like actually raising the children with? A complete controlling my way or the highway nightmare.

lightbulbshade · 11/12/2019 11:38

Urgh. OP listen to pp saying be careful to have dc with this man.
When you do give birth you can end up very vulnerable and need to rely on your family for help. If you rely on your dh who knows what other bollocks he's got up his sleeve. This is already nasty pressure for you arguing before you're even pregnant about giving birth.
It's not normal. If he's got traditions he wants to uphold they need to fit within your own boundaries and if they don't he needs to keep his opinions to himself. Your body your choice alway but personally I would find someone else who's views are more likely to match your own before it's too late.

Morgan12 · 11/12/2019 11:38

I haven't read the full thread because I'm so angry after reading your first post!

Oh my fucking God! Tell him to get to fuck! He knows nothing! Nothing!

I had a third degree tear, lost 2 litres of blood and couldn't walk for a month. Did it make me love my baby more? Did it fuck! Less actually! Took ages to bond.

My c section was excellent.

So show him this. So he can see how much shite he is talking.

Thelnebriati · 11/12/2019 11:38

He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby

That's right up there with men who believe that if you don't orgasm you can't become pregnant, therefore rape victims never need an abortion.

He's not the one having the baby so why does he think his batshit beliefs outweigh what you want?

Jellybeansincognito · 11/12/2019 11:38

Why would you still be hoping to be pregnant to this mans child in a few months?
Run now, before he doesn’t agree with your parenting either.

soshnomore · 11/12/2019 11:39

I honestly think he is just so ill-informed, he has to be really to go against me so hard on this. A doctor may sort him out, or he might just be stubborn about it.
But yes it is making me reconsider whether I want to have children with him.
I do love him so it's not as easy as people just telling me to leave him. I know how he feels but he also knows I'm not going to sacrifice my own happiness and wellbeing to keep him or his ideals happy.
Also I've already told my sister that she'll be in there with me rather than him. As someone who had a traumatic labour/emergency c-section and struggled to bond with my niece afterwards (because of the 26 hours of pain BEFORE the section), she thinks he's a bit of a joke Grin

OP posts:
lightbulbshade · 11/12/2019 11:40

Oh not that you can't find all that online but I had a completely natural birth (not through choice!!) and suffered post natal psychosis so there you go!

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