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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Disagree with husband about childbirth

654 replies

soshnomore · 11/12/2019 10:34

So I'm not pregnant but hoping to be in the next few months. I have previously told OH I would ideally like a water birth, which he was totally against. He is very much of the opinion that a 'normal birth on land' has worked for 1000s of years so why should I want to do something different.
Last night I brought it up again after reading a study that showed water births can decrease tearing and generally improve a mother's wellbeing during childbirth.
He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby, and cites statistics about mothers who have c-sections being more likely to develop PTSD or PND.
It's like debating with a child. He doesn't listen to my point of view or really take my feelings into consideration at all in the situation.
"I'd rather we find a woman who will carry your egg and give a normal birth than choosing to "lay my eggs in water when they should be laid in a nest"."
I mean come on... He basically said if I had a water birth he would never forgive me.
I've said we can speak to a doctor or a midwife and seek their advice but he is dead set against it and has "had his last word on it".
Am I being unreasonable to think that ultimately the way I give birth is my decision, and he should have more consideration for how I will feel in this whole thing?

OP posts:
user1471582494 · 11/12/2019 23:23

He's mansplaining child birth to you? Really?
Next he'll be telling you how to breastfeed.

messolini9 · 11/12/2019 23:25

Brilliant points in yours of Wed 11-Dec-19 22:45:11 @MirenaManiac

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 11/12/2019 23:29

No vagina, no opinion. It’s 100% up to you how you give birth. Unless you get final say on a painful process he has to go through. Maybe a nice little tooth extraction with no anaesthetic or the resetting of a broken bone without gas and air?

80skid · 11/12/2019 23:34

Wow. How do you foresee raising children with this man? Or even simply living out your lives together as the inferior "partner". At this stage, I think your best option is to find a more compatible mate for both of you to be happy.

IdblowJonSnow · 11/12/2019 23:43

How backwards!
His 'last word'?! GrinOnly read the first bit of thread but very much hope you've dumped him by now.

VisionQuest · 11/12/2019 23:55

I'm assuming that he understands you will be birthing a live baby and not laying an egg?

Honestly, I couldn't even be bothered to argue with a Neanderthal like him.

allezallezallez · 11/12/2019 23:59

Most people have their partner at appointments and during labour to advocate for them in case a doctor does/suggests something their not happy with. You are asking a doctor to advocate for you with your own husband.
I hope you can see that this shows something is very wrong.

Beldon · 12/12/2019 00:31

Csec here and I bonded instantly with my baby. If his ptsd statistic is true it is more likely because you are responsible for a tiny helpless human just after major surgery. It is totally your choice how best to give birth (provided birth pool available and you have no complications) - also your choice if he is there to see your water birth!

mellicauli · 12/12/2019 00:43

You are setting yourself up for a miserable life if you settle for someone who doesn't think your views are worth considering and seems quite keen for you to be in pain.

It would hurt my husband to see me in pain. He would think my views were worth as much as his, more when it comes to matters of me and my body.

You could have someone like that too. It's not to late. Yet.

marylou1977 · 12/12/2019 00:50

He is an ass. Please think carefully before having children with him. This is your medical event, you get the final say. With his opinion, the more pain the better the bonding, will he deny you an epidural or other pain measures?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 12/12/2019 00:55

Why would you even contemplate having a child with someone so unwilling to communicate appropriately or respect you and your bodily autonomy?

Please don't imagine that this would be his last "final word". You'll acquiesce to this and then he'll be having his "final word" about how your child is raised, schooled, loved, disciplined and taught to behave whilst you perpetually try to find ways to appease someone who doesn't give a shit what you want or why you want it.

Totally a different point, but DS2 was a water birth and it was gorgeous. I cannot recommend it enough if it's safe for you to try when you do have children.

GunpowderGelatine · 12/12/2019 01:14

Do not have a baby with this man. Please. He wants you to be in pain and for the sake of bonding Hmm what a gaslighting little shit

TheFestiveIf · 12/12/2019 01:32

He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby

I haven't read the full thread on this occasion and I know you say you aren't still reading but I hope you are. What about a compromise?

You will have a normal birth but for every contraction you get, just so that he can bond with his baby, you will kick him in the bollocks. See if he wants to sign a binding contract around that.

At least he can take solace in the fact it will get easier for him as in the later stages of labour you won't be able to take a run up.

mathanxiety · 12/12/2019 01:41

You need to take some time to seriously re-evaluate the future of your relationship with this man.

Please DO NOT have a baby with him.

He is a controlling, arrogant tit.

Hoping you won't be looking back to this thread five years from now and wishing you had been more open to the good advice here.

But I think people here are right.

Topseyt · 12/12/2019 03:32

He sounds as though he has his head stuck very far up his own arse.

He won't ever be giving birth, so he doesn't get to have an opinion.

Ihavethefinalsleigh · 12/12/2019 03:46

She’s not listening..........

MsChatterbox · 12/12/2019 04:24

If he's being so controlling over something that is completely your choice can you imagine how he will be about things that should be joint decisions?

LemonJelly1980 · 12/12/2019 17:08

Good Grief!
The best advice I can give you is do not have a child with this man!
This is just the beginning.
Do you really want the next 18+ years of your life as a parent to be undermined by this man's ridiculous views?
And as for him 'having his last word'.... 🙄

Grumpelstilskin · 12/12/2019 17:14

Well, I would insist that he has all 'natural' dentistry with no anaesthetics, especially if he needs a root canal treatment...

Rachelle1980 · 12/12/2019 19:14

So the next time he has need of modern medicine to make himself safe, mended, comfortable... he's going to decline, right..? Break a leg, need a hip replacement, need heart surgery..? Where's his attitude to pain and suffering then?

He's a coward and a hypocrite and an abuser, op. If you cannot see it now, you'll see it eventually after years of being treated like shit by him.

Frankola · 12/12/2019 19:28

It's your body. Your choice ultimately. He sounds like an arsehole.

soshnomore · 23/10/2021 21:36

I'm sure nobody is wondering what happened, but I enjoy seeing updates on reddit so thought I'd add a quick one.

I didn't get pregnant. I finally ended our marriage about 6 months after this post (this was the tip of a very large and emotionally abusive iceberg), and we'll hopefully be officially divorced next month.

All I can say is the red flags that everyone else can see, are very easy to ignore when you're being told you're the one with the problem.

OP posts:
AlmostAlwyn · 23/10/2021 21:45

Thanks for the update, OP. Glad to hear you got out. Wishing you all the best for the future Flowers

Fernando072020 · 23/10/2021 21:49

I never saw your original post, op but well done for getting out of a toxic marriage.
Wishing you all the best going forward!

JustJoinedRightNow · 23/10/2021 21:51

Wow OP fantastic update!
Take care of yourself