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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Disagree with husband about childbirth

654 replies

soshnomore · 11/12/2019 10:34

So I'm not pregnant but hoping to be in the next few months. I have previously told OH I would ideally like a water birth, which he was totally against. He is very much of the opinion that a 'normal birth on land' has worked for 1000s of years so why should I want to do something different.
Last night I brought it up again after reading a study that showed water births can decrease tearing and generally improve a mother's wellbeing during childbirth.
He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby, and cites statistics about mothers who have c-sections being more likely to develop PTSD or PND.
It's like debating with a child. He doesn't listen to my point of view or really take my feelings into consideration at all in the situation.
"I'd rather we find a woman who will carry your egg and give a normal birth than choosing to "lay my eggs in water when they should be laid in a nest"."
I mean come on... He basically said if I had a water birth he would never forgive me.
I've said we can speak to a doctor or a midwife and seek their advice but he is dead set against it and has "had his last word on it".
Am I being unreasonable to think that ultimately the way I give birth is my decision, and he should have more consideration for how I will feel in this whole thing?

OP posts:
SexlessBoulderBelly · 11/12/2019 20:56

What the fuck.

Tell him to push a watermelon through his japseye then eh can comment on who should have what birth.

What a dick.

That said. I’m 35 weeks pregnant and was in hospital for reduced movement the other week, a lady came in clearly in labour, screaming and moaning. My DP said something that absolutely haunts me and I could have punched his glasses off and I haven’t even experienced labour yet.

He said “to be honest.. she sounded like she was exaggerating a bit.. I don’t think labour is THAT bad”

As I said, you feckin’ do it then!

carrots555 · 11/12/2019 21:10

I do not know if OP is still reading or not but your post is genuinely troubling.
You know him better than all of us but from an outsider perspective something is not right.

StripeyDeckchair · 11/12/2019 21:13

WTF
The man is an idiot
Why are you contemplating having a child with him?
Run for the hills, now.

vassdal · 11/12/2019 21:25

`Thanks for all your input but I am going to stop following this thread now because as much as I'm sure you all mean well, it's been an overwhelmingly negative response and hasn't really offered me any helpful advice to deal with the situation.

So people are saying something you don't want to hear so off you go. What a waste of everyone's time. You'll be back on in a few months time asking for advice on the next incident involving him and will disappear off the thread when another 400 people tell you to ltb because of all the red flags.

Hope you don't end up in the same state as my relative did (situation described upthread) which started out in a very similar manner to this and ended up with her being beaten up.

ferntwist · 11/12/2019 21:28

He sounds insane to be honest. Wants you to suffer as much pain as possible to bond with the baby? Traumatic births don’t help bonding. Wants you to use a surrogate as he’s so against water birth?
I think you have more problems than just your birth plan - he’s going to be a nightmare as a co-parent to a newborn.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 11/12/2019 21:32

Thanks for all your input but I am going to stop following this thread now because as much as I'm sure you all mean well, it's been an overwhelmingly negative response and hasn't really offered me any helpful advice to deal with the situation*

Not sure what you were wanting to hear? The man is appauling and once you've had his children (however you have them), you're then tied to him for life. What if he has warped views on raising your children that you do not agree with?
People on here are wanting the best for YOU but if you can't see that or accept that, that's fine. But to drag an innocent child (or more) into this is just horrible. But anyway good luck, I'm glad I'm not you!

PapayaCoconut · 11/12/2019 21:32

He sounds incredibly stupid, bigoted, stubborn and nasty. The only 'advice' I can think of would be to leave him and have a baby with someone who isn't a controlling arsehole. HTH.

sparklefarts · 11/12/2019 21:34

Jesus fuck OP. Listen to what's being said. Do NOT have children with this man.
Leave. Leave. Leave . Leave. Leave

PapayaCoconut · 11/12/2019 21:34

What if he has warped views on raising your children that you do not agree with?

Of course he does. If he has opinions on something as inoffensive as water birth he's sure to have opinions on every damn thing the OP does or doesn't do.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 11/12/2019 21:43

@papayacoconut I know he will, I just wanted to word it so the OP could come to that conclusion herself, sometimes makes it more a substantial point. But seems she's not even allowed to think for herself because of this controlling man :(
Likelihood is, he will probably end up taking the children from her if she dares to feed them toast or help them with homework.

This is nothing to do with religious beliefs either, they're hiding behind religion to justify his awful behaviour.

Perhaps OP would have preferred us to answer that he's correct, he's the man so has the ultimate say. Pain does increase bonding and love, so much so that of he hits her, or their future children, he's doing it out of love..... I'm so upset for you OP over this thread. Not sure if you'll come back and read, but you said you had no helpful advice, but you have. It's just not what you wanted to hear.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 11/12/2019 21:44

I'd have a water birth and if any fucker feels the need to comment I'd drown the cunt. Who needs this shit during labour?

Shmithecat2 · 11/12/2019 21:47

YANBU to think it's your decision, but YANVVVVVU to even consider having a child with such a selfish, misogynist twat.

Disco91 · 11/12/2019 21:49

If your opinion doesn't count in regards to the birth, do you really think your opinion will count when it comes to all other aspects of parenting?

Mammyloveswine · 11/12/2019 21:50

Erm when he literally tears in half delivering a baby then he gets a day.

Ffs! What a fucking arsehole! I could not procreate with such a deluded misogynistic dickhead!

Any man who dares to suggest he knows best about something only woman can do can get to fuck!

looondonn · 11/12/2019 21:55

Ughhhhhh sounds like my abusive ex who was Muslim
I'm not Muslim

I was viewed as a vessel to carry the baby - nothing more

I had a horrific labour I remember after baby was born (like two minutes later) he told me to get up and take a shower as I smelt
He also told midwife my labour was not even that bad so I should not be complaining needless to say he is an evil man and will hopefully end up in hell

OP this is a big big red flag

Rosepetals30 · 11/12/2019 21:56

Woah, all I can say is thank goodness you aren’t pregnant.

I get it. The biological clock has you wearing the rose tinted glasses and once you want a baby you don’t see the red flags as easy.

We’re all warning you and we can’t all be wrong

laylasmummy08 · 11/12/2019 22:00

Not going in to detail but I've had 3 births. 1st 'normal' on a bed. I was 19 and hated every second of it. Felt so undignified. Birth 2 and 3 were water births and was the most amazing experience! All babies were fine. All no pain relief purely the water birth was more relaxing, more dignified, better transition for baby and could move around more free and easy

Cherrysoup · 11/12/2019 22:25

'He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby'

What a twat.

FrangipaniBlue · 11/12/2019 22:32

No vagina no opinion.

and actually, the fact he thinks he gets to voice an opinion on this topic means he wouldn't be getting anywhere near my vagina!

MrsNoMopp · 11/12/2019 22:35

The negative response IS the most helpful advice possible.

Verily1 · 11/12/2019 22:36

Divorce him.

He actually wants you in pain!

He’s a misogynist.

CynthiaRothrock · 11/12/2019 22:38

And you want to procreate with this man? What would his reaction be if you needed an emergency C section? What's his views on pain relief? What if you can't bf or want to bf and he wants to bottle feed? Etc. If he is stomping his feet over this then I would be worried over his opinions on other things too.
Also water births have been around for hundreds of years, baths, pools and rivers have been used in many cultures as a form of relaxation and pain relief. It can also reduce the stress on the baby and the need for medical pain relief.
Your body you make the choice. When he can give birth then he gets to say no to things.

Soontobe60 · 11/12/2019 22:42

You are being incredibly unreasonable in even considering having a child with such a controlling pillock!

MirenaManiac · 11/12/2019 22:45

I honestly think he is just so ill-informed, he has to be really to go against me so hard on this. A doctor may sort him out, or he might just be stubborn about it.

No. Don't get into an argument about whether he's ill-informed or not. That's not the point. The point is that this is not his decision to make.
If you get into trying to "inform" him, it suggests that you are a little girl who can earn his permission by jumping through hoops.
The fact that he was uninterested in talking to midwives and doctors about this shows that it's not about evidence or information - it's about power and control.

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 11/12/2019 22:48

Make him wait at home whilst you birth with your mum/sister/bestie. Not his choice. How dare he sit in judgement of your birth choice.
Arse.