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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Disagree with husband about childbirth

654 replies

soshnomore · 11/12/2019 10:34

So I'm not pregnant but hoping to be in the next few months. I have previously told OH I would ideally like a water birth, which he was totally against. He is very much of the opinion that a 'normal birth on land' has worked for 1000s of years so why should I want to do something different.
Last night I brought it up again after reading a study that showed water births can decrease tearing and generally improve a mother's wellbeing during childbirth.
He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby, and cites statistics about mothers who have c-sections being more likely to develop PTSD or PND.
It's like debating with a child. He doesn't listen to my point of view or really take my feelings into consideration at all in the situation.
"I'd rather we find a woman who will carry your egg and give a normal birth than choosing to "lay my eggs in water when they should be laid in a nest"."
I mean come on... He basically said if I had a water birth he would never forgive me.
I've said we can speak to a doctor or a midwife and seek their advice but he is dead set against it and has "had his last word on it".
Am I being unreasonable to think that ultimately the way I give birth is my decision, and he should have more consideration for how I will feel in this whole thing?

OP posts:
JaneR0chester · 11/12/2019 14:38

@soshnomore MN has a varied following, people from all walks of life with different experiences and yet we are almost unanimous in our horror and fear for you (and any potential children).

The responses have been overwhelmingly in support of you, of your choice to give birth the way you want - wholly positive and supportive of you.

" overwhelmingly negative response and hasn't really offered me any helpful advice to deal with the situation. "

The negative posts are in response to what you have told us about your husband. Tell us it's all a joke; tell us he's changed his mind and will defer to you in this matter; tell us he's actually really considerate; tell us that he loves you and wants what is best for you (because that's how love should work). If you can't do any of that then perhaps you can understand why the responses on this thread have been so negative towards him (not you).

LemonScentedStickyBat · 11/12/2019 14:39

A lot of the respondents here have been married and had a baby. They know what they are talking about, OP. Right now is the easiest it will EVER be to leave and find someone who values you and your opinion and your autonomy. I’m genuinely sorry this is hard to hear.

PickAChew · 11/12/2019 14:42

And you've had very good advice, just not the advice you wanted.

This will not be the last thing that he wants to deny you any control over. If you have a family with him, that will affect innocent children, as well as you. If you do go ahead, make sure you are well aware of his views on child nutrition, behaviour, discipline, education and everything before you bring that child into the world.

Londonmummy66 · 11/12/2019 14:47

Like everyone else I hope you don't have a child with this pathetic man. However if you do can I suggest that instead of holding his hand during birth you hold his balls and SQUEEZE HARD during every contraction - it should help him to bond if he is going to suffer some pain during labour too.

Ash39 · 11/12/2019 14:54

Helpful advice on how to deal with this situation. Have a long discussion, ask oh lots of questions and see if you are on the same page regarding other aspects of life and parenthood...

For example " breastfeeding?"
"Cloth nappies?" " mothers going back to work after maternity leave?" " education issues such as private/state etc...
what about politics? What about vaccines? Just some examples.

Bottom line, you need to be on the same page moving forward as serious disagreements on some these subjects might be very contentious and difficult to get through. If you disagree on lots of issues, well, that spells trouble.
Re childbirth and labour. You need to keep an open mind as well as your oh, as things don't always run to plan regardless.

However I agree with the 400+ mumsnetters before me that his comments are shocking and worrying. Sort this out asap.

Booboostwo · 11/12/2019 14:54

You cannot seriously think that a man this idiotic and this controlling is a suitable person to have children with. There is no way these are the only idiotic and controlling views he has and you are tying yourself to him for a lifetime if you have children together. What useful advice were you expecting to hear?

crispysausagerolls · 11/12/2019 14:55

You’ve had really excellent advice; you just don’t want to take it!

Nanny0gg · 11/12/2019 14:57

I'm sure you all mean well, it's been an overwhelmingly negative response and hasn't really offered me any helpful advice to deal with the situation.

I think you'll find you have. You just don't want to hear it.

ILearnedItFromABook · 11/12/2019 14:59

Excuse me, what?! He wants you to go through as much pain as possible to somehow magically improve your bonding with your child? Somehow I doubt he'd feel the same way if it were he who needed to experience "optimum pain". He sounds like a superstitious neanderthal!

What a jerk! He has some bizarre, pseudoscience-inspired opinions and isn't even willing to discuss it with medical professionals or you, the person who'll be experiencing childbirth. I'd seriously reconsider staying with this man, much less allowing him a say in my birthing decisions.

LunasOrchid · 11/12/2019 15:00

You can tell your prick of a husband that when he has spent hours in massive pain before squeezing out a watermelon from his bellend, then he can an opinion Smile

GiveHerHellFromUs · 11/12/2019 15:01

it's been an overwhelmingly negative response and hasn't really offered me any helpful advice to deal with the situation.

Ok then OP. Have a baby with him. Go through extreme morning sickness with no medication. Go through the birth with no pain relief.

Once you get home from hospital, make sure you still get his tea ready and on the table when he gets home. Give up your job and let him control all the money in the house.

Don't worry about him hitting you, the pain is good for bonding.

Is that the advice you want? I don't understand.

noodlenosefraggle · 11/12/2019 15:01

You'll be spending the rest of your life with him telling you and your children what you should do/ wear/ behave/ believe. He will be making all the decisions and you wont have a say. He is a man who has no respect for you or your opinion. At least you have freely chosen to live like this and he hasnt trapped you into having a child before revealing himself.

QueSera · 11/12/2019 15:05

OP why on earth did you come on here with your question, if you clearly don't want to hear the overwhelming answer? We have told you how to deal with the situation - remove yourself from this relationship with a horrible, misogynistic, uninformed man.

People here are giving you excellent advice, which you're clearly going to ignore. You pathetically make light of this man's sexist bullying/controlling, and obviously you'll carry on with him because you 'love him'. But can't you see that he doesn't love you! He doesn't care about your viewpoints and your wellbeing.

I worry for you and your future children, I really do OP - life for all of you with this man will be hell.

pallisers · 11/12/2019 15:06

There is no helpful advice we can give about the actual situation. He has said his last word and told you he will never forgive you if you don't let him in the labour ward.

So you either do what he says or your marriage is over. those are your choices.

There are no magic words or insider information that some woman knows that will make him change his mind. I suspect nothing a woman would say or know would be of any interest to him. If he thinks his wife's opinion is worthless when it comes to her own body, why on earth do you think anything a bunch of women on the internet would say would be of any effect? You'd have better luck trying to get some very rightwing iman he likes talk to him (always presuming that iman would not agree with him - and you are happy to live like that)

I hope to god if you do have a child it is a boy. God help a daughter raised by him.

strawberry2017 · 11/12/2019 15:07

My gut instinct tells me this was an arranged marriage and he moved to the UK when they had been married long enough for a visa.
Somehow I suspect the OP didn't get much choice in the matter and is stuck with an arsehole of a man now.
My heart goes out to your OP, I hope you find the strength to stand up to this man.
I don't believe if he had been raised in the UK he would think any of this.

meredithgrey1 · 11/12/2019 15:09

He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby

I assume he'll be asking you to punch him where it hurts during childbirth, so that he can go through some "bonding pain" as well - after all, how can he bond with the baby without feeling pain??

needsomehelptoday · 11/12/2019 15:09

Im not sure I'd have a baby at all with him but failing that tell him since he's so traditional he shouldn't be at the birth then give birth however you please.

woodchuck99 · 11/12/2019 15:14

Thanks for all your input but I am going to stop following this thread now because as much as I'm sure you all mean well, it's been an overwhelmingly negative response and hasn't really offered me any helpful advice to deal with the situation.

You mean people haven't offered advice that you want to hear. They have certainly offered advice and that is that you need to tell him very firmly that he is absolutely no say in how you give birth. If he still argues you need to reconsider having children with him because it's not acceptable and he will have similar views on things which are none of his business.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2019 15:18

Call me crazy, but if I had 100's of people telling me the exact same thing, I think I would take their advice into consideration. The truth can be a very bitter pill to swallow.

BuntyCollocks · 11/12/2019 15:19

Your husband is an arsehole. Your body, your choice, your birth.

Don’t procreate with this prick.

Water birth is perfectly safe, and a gentle way to birth a baby.

This is giving me the rage.

AxeOfKindness · 11/12/2019 15:23

OP, I honestly find this so outrageous that I literally find it hard to believe - is this some sort of joke or misunderstanding?

I wish that no woman would choose to have a baby with a man that shows them so little respect as to think they have the "final word" over what happens to her body, ever, but especially in a notoriously painful situation he knows full well he will never have to experience. Maybe then we could breed the attitude out of existence!!

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 11/12/2019 15:25

Labour is an unknown journey no point planning for it as what will happen will happen as long as you and baby are safe nothing else matters. Try not to get too hung up on one way as so much can change ect. Also you’re not pregnant yet. Cross this bridge when you come to it.

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 11/12/2019 15:26

Also ps is he a nutcase? Because he comes across as one

gingergittable · 11/12/2019 15:28

Pretty much every single person has told you to leave him.

You'll probably never receive a more important piece of constructive advice in your life.

debbs77 · 11/12/2019 15:31

This is horrendous to read.

It is proven that pushing causes more trauma.

I strongly recommend hypnobirthing and a water birth

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