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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Disagree with husband about childbirth

654 replies

soshnomore · 11/12/2019 10:34

So I'm not pregnant but hoping to be in the next few months. I have previously told OH I would ideally like a water birth, which he was totally against. He is very much of the opinion that a 'normal birth on land' has worked for 1000s of years so why should I want to do something different.
Last night I brought it up again after reading a study that showed water births can decrease tearing and generally improve a mother's wellbeing during childbirth.
He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby, and cites statistics about mothers who have c-sections being more likely to develop PTSD or PND.
It's like debating with a child. He doesn't listen to my point of view or really take my feelings into consideration at all in the situation.
"I'd rather we find a woman who will carry your egg and give a normal birth than choosing to "lay my eggs in water when they should be laid in a nest"."
I mean come on... He basically said if I had a water birth he would never forgive me.
I've said we can speak to a doctor or a midwife and seek their advice but he is dead set against it and has "had his last word on it".
Am I being unreasonable to think that ultimately the way I give birth is my decision, and he should have more consideration for how I will feel in this whole thing?

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 11/12/2019 14:02

The OP isn't coming back is she. We're telling her things she doesn't want to hear.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 11/12/2019 14:04

He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby

He's a moron.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 11/12/2019 14:04

kick him in the bollocks and see if he 'bonds' with you better

Trying not to laugh at this ...

NoSquirrels · 11/12/2019 14:06

Well, what everyone else said. Be thankful you're not currently pregnant.

If he has this much of an "opinion" on childbirth that he cannot be dissuaded from, then childrearing and co-parenting with him will be FUCKING AWFUL.

don't do it to yourself - find someone who aligns with your values - and especially don't do it to any children.

3weemonkeys · 11/12/2019 14:07

Oh I hope he doesn't tell you not to have pain relief incase you don't bond with the baby. I think I'd postpone the TTC until we were on the same page about big decisions.

crispysausagerolls · 11/12/2019 14:11

It’s absolutely terrifying that you are still considering having a baby with this clearly awful and abusive man.

mauvaisereputation · 11/12/2019 14:12

Have not read the full thread, but please think very carefully about your decision to have children with this man. The fact he is acting so controlling over this and the fact he wants you to have a painful birth are major red flags imo. I'm not normally a LTB poster, but I really don't think this guy is good news.

soshnomore · 11/12/2019 14:13

Not much point me saying anything else at this point, I've had near 350 posts telling me he's an awful person and I should leave him.
Whatever people think of the situation from what I've posted, I'm not an idiot, and he isn't a horrible husband.
Thanks for all your input but I am going to stop following this thread now because as much as I'm sure you all mean well, it's been an overwhelmingly negative response and hasn't really offered me any helpful advice to deal with the situation.
Hope you all have a good day.

OP posts:
RaeBeam · 11/12/2019 14:13

I'm sorry, but are you sure you want to have a baby with someone like that?

JustASmallTownCurl · 11/12/2019 14:16

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby

Goodo, let us know how you go hiring someone to kick him in the balls for the duration of your labour.

In fact compare it to that for him and then the process of having his balls STITCHED afterwards due to damage.

If he still doesn't get it then for fucks sake why would you have children with someone who thinks you don't have bodily autonomy and actually wants you to be in as much pain as possible. I feel sick writing that.

He's literally saying the more pain you're in, the happier he'll be with the birth.

I couldn't be with someone so cruel.

rededucator · 11/12/2019 14:17

Tell him he's free to choose how children are birthed whenever he births a child.

Thelnebriati · 11/12/2019 14:18

OP, just from the way you phrased the question shows you think he is the default person, even on issues surrounding childbirth. Its not you that's disagreeing with him; its him that's disagreeing with you.

His views are abhorrent and show an awful attitude towards women.

user1471449295 · 11/12/2019 14:19

You have received a lot of helpful advice actually.
Op, in the nicest possible way, you are an idiot if you choose to not only stay with this man but to inflict him on innocent children.
Good luck.

championquartz · 11/12/2019 14:20

OP at best you've married an ignorant man who is not willing to educate himself. But all signs are that he is an ignorant misogynist and utterly disrespectful of you and your body. You may feel you love him but how can you love someone who clearly hates women, all women, so much.

Please defer your decision to have a baby with this man. Your sister may find it funny atm, but it is not, and will get far worse and more serious if you have a baby with him. Then he will truly own you. In every way.

littlepaddypaws · 11/12/2019 14:20

op has made her choice, she'll be back in a year or so complaining about a related subject, i feel sorry for the poor child that doesn't even exsist yet.

harper30 · 11/12/2019 14:23

Sometimes you read a thread and just think 'this isn't real', I can't believe someone would consider having children with someone who thinks like that. He thinks he gets the last word on how you give birth? Jesus.

JustASmallTownCurl · 11/12/2019 14:24

Nobody is saying anything positive about him because there is nothing positive to say.

Helpful advice needs to be honest. Everyone has been honest and to be honest many of us have been kind, supporting your choice to have the birth you are comfortable with and wanting you to realise you deserve better than the way he is behaving.

Is a bit of slap in the face to turn around and say nobody has been helpful and your husband isn't bad, we are all wrong etc. Why post then, you must have known nobody was going to tell you it's fine he's behaving this way.

Good luck.

LigPatin · 11/12/2019 14:28

he isn't a horrible husband.

He thinks pain is linked to bonding with a child
He is making demands on how your future childbirth should go, against your wishes
You said yourself he argues like a child

He's no prince is he?

FakeChristmasTreesaremynewnorm · 11/12/2019 14:32

If 350 people tell you something at least take on board what they are saying. There's a big problem with his attitude to you and to all women. Now's the time to face that before you end up being forced to do something that is not in your best interest.

embarassednewname · 11/12/2019 14:33

he isn't a horrible husband

you need higher standards if that’s good enough for you

katy1213 · 11/12/2019 14:35

Are you sure you want a child with this man ... it might inherit his level of intelligence!

diddl · 11/12/2019 14:36

Plenty of people have told you how to deal with it-leave!!

Presumably if you do go ahead then he will have no say in the birth as you will do as you want and staff will be there to facilitate that.

Whether or not his reaction afterward if you defy him will be worth living with is another matter.

PickAChew · 11/12/2019 14:37

This is ample warning never to have a baby with this guy.

Bibijayne · 11/12/2019 14:37

@soshnomore

It might be worth digging to find out how he formed those views? I would suspect friends/ family have said these things or he has heard similar views expressed and run with it.

I highly recommend talking to an obstetrician or midwife with him. You say he is very conservative? Is it worth pointing him in the direction of a sensible Iman who could talk through this with him?

embarassednewname · 11/12/2019 14:38

hasn't really offered me any helpful advice to deal with the situation

You want advice on how to appease your embarrassing twat of a husband? There is none because you will never win with him. Accept your situation, live your subservient life, subject your children to years of psychological abuse or leave him. There is no middle ground.

Oh, and being Muslim has NOTHING to do with being a misogynistic uncaring husband!!!That is an insult to all the Muslim men I know. Don’t hide behind religion to justify you putting up with shitty behaviour.