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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Disagree with husband about childbirth

654 replies

soshnomore · 11/12/2019 10:34

So I'm not pregnant but hoping to be in the next few months. I have previously told OH I would ideally like a water birth, which he was totally against. He is very much of the opinion that a 'normal birth on land' has worked for 1000s of years so why should I want to do something different.
Last night I brought it up again after reading a study that showed water births can decrease tearing and generally improve a mother's wellbeing during childbirth.
He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby, and cites statistics about mothers who have c-sections being more likely to develop PTSD or PND.
It's like debating with a child. He doesn't listen to my point of view or really take my feelings into consideration at all in the situation.
"I'd rather we find a woman who will carry your egg and give a normal birth than choosing to "lay my eggs in water when they should be laid in a nest"."
I mean come on... He basically said if I had a water birth he would never forgive me.
I've said we can speak to a doctor or a midwife and seek their advice but he is dead set against it and has "had his last word on it".
Am I being unreasonable to think that ultimately the way I give birth is my decision, and he should have more consideration for how I will feel in this whole thing?

OP posts:
isitpossibleto · 11/12/2019 13:17

I’m afraid that’s an LTB. You will massively regret going ahead with children with this wanker who has the empathy and respectfulness of an amoeba

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 11/12/2019 13:18

So I'm not pregnant

That's a blessing. Who does he think he is, saying you need to go through pain, and he's had his last say?!

Tell him to fuck off and find someone decent to have kids with, who respects you enough to know that they do not get to have the last say just because they possess a penis.

ohwheniknow · 11/12/2019 13:19

The man wants you to experience needless pain. He is adamant you must be subjected to avoidable pain against your wishes. And you think that's love?

UmmH · 11/12/2019 13:20

It isn't an Arab or a Muslim thing. He's just plain WRONG. If something is beneficial for your health and the health of your baby, then it should be embraced. The '1000s of years' thing makes no sense at all. Do we just abandon all modern medicine, then? Crazy!

If it were me, I'd divorce. Sorry you are facing this Flowers

fpurplea · 11/12/2019 13:23

No no no no. I'm not sure you're listening. YAabsolutelyNBU to stand your ground about your birth plan. YAVVVU to still be planning to TTC with this throwback, excusing his misogyny and refusing to see what literally 100% of people on here are telling you, that your individual world views are totally incompatible and you and your future children are headed towards a life of misery. STOP NOW.

This is not just one thing that'll get resolved and that will be the end of it. This is a lifetime of having your views steamrollered, even in things that affect you far more than him. How is the relationship otherwise OP? Be honest with yourself. Is he controlling in other ways? Is this a bolt out of the blue, or indicative of his general personality?

MarciaMarciaMarcia · 11/12/2019 13:26

I find it very sad that after hundreds of msg saying this man will not change, and to get out while you can, the OP has not said anything negative about her p.
Good luck OP. You are going to need it.

Battytwatty · 11/12/2019 13:28

Come on, own up if you pressed YABU

JenniferM1989 · 11/12/2019 13:28

It's not his choice, it's yours. You are giving birth to this baby so you do it the way you will feel most at ease.

He sounds horrible by the way and offensive. I had no choice but to give birth by c section as it was an emergency one and I did not get PND!!! Ask him what he expects women to do when they're 42 weeks pregnant, the baby is in distress and the cervix won't dilate!

LigPatin · 11/12/2019 13:30

Serious question - why are you considering having a baby with him?

MrsNoMopp · 11/12/2019 13:31

Hideous, controlling, misogynistic, uncaring attitude. Definitely LTB and find someone who actually treats you with some humanity and respect.

firstimemamma · 11/12/2019 13:32

@Battytwatty one person pressed it by accident and admitted it. They meant to press YANBU.

Is there more than one 'yabu' vote? I don't have the voting thing enabled so not sure if you can see number of votes or anything.

Serabi · 11/12/2019 13:34

Can't believe you'd choose to have a baby with this man! What are his other opinions on breast vs formula, cry it out and sleep training, attachment parenting vs routine, career or SAHM. He sounds like a bizarre dictator

20viona · 11/12/2019 13:34

I would not be considering a child with this fool.

Thestrangestthing · 11/12/2019 13:35

He sounds like a twat that's a bit thick. I wouldn't be having a child with this man, this will only be the start of him controlling your body.
Also he is aware that humans don't lay eggs right? Fucking idiot!

Thestrangestthing · 11/12/2019 13:37

He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby

I would have laughed in his face after this sentence.

Doje · 11/12/2019 13:37

Firstly, kick him in the bollocks and see if he 'bonds' with you better...

Secondly, childbirth is just the beginning. I have a perfectly rational husband who is willing to listen to science / reports / rational explanations and it's still difficult to parent. Decisions on how much chocolate they get, how much telly? Do they have to eat everything on their plate to get pudding? When to stop cutting grapes? When do they get a phone / iPad? Are they allowed beer at home at 14/15/16 years old?

All these decisions need a discussion, and your husband needs to be reasonable, and open to your opinion, advice and evidence from others. If he's not, then I would consider parenting with this man very carefully.

Liverbird77 · 11/12/2019 13:40

Fuck him and his opinion, right up to the moment he can carry and birth a child.
My husband had views on childbirth and breastfeeding.... right up until it came to it.
Then he realised that women are incredible and he was in awe. If I said I wanted the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing and to give birth up a tree, he'd respect my decision.
Think twice about having kids with this man. That bullshit about pain creating a bond is sadistic and terrifying.

TheReef · 11/12/2019 13:41

He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby

Ha ha I notice it's him saying this but not him going through the pain. I think this is one of the most ridiculous thing I've read on mn to date.

Your body, your rules, tell him if he doesn't like it then he doesn't have to be at the birth and that's YOUR final word on the subject

HermioneWeasley · 11/12/2019 13:53

I know you’re not listening, but leave this man. He will make you miserable

Ffsnosexallowed · 11/12/2019 13:54

He does realise that with a water birth you'll be in what is essentially a big bath - not the middle of the fucking Atlantic??

Levatrice · 11/12/2019 13:57

Yabu to want a child with this tw-t sorry

Aisforharlot · 11/12/2019 13:59

When he’s the one pushing a baby out of his dick, he gets to decide how much pain he wants to be in. Fuck that.

ThanosSavedMe · 11/12/2019 13:59

I’m sorry but this is screaming so many red flags to me. What other traditional Arab Muslim ideas does he have?

If you were to have children and later separated, would he take the children to some country you would never see them again? If you had daughters, how would he treat them?

I really think you need to think long and hard about bringing any children into the world with him as their father.

Youseethethingis · 11/12/2019 14:00

If you go ahead and have a child with this awful man I think you may regret it. Domestic violence tends to start or ramp up once the woman is “trapped” by pregnancy and it would not surprise me in the least if a man with malignant views like this was at the top of the “most likely to” list.
You can’t reason with stupid, wouldn’t waste my energy.

RogueV · 11/12/2019 14:01

Your husband is a cock

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