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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Disagree with husband about childbirth

654 replies

soshnomore · 11/12/2019 10:34

So I'm not pregnant but hoping to be in the next few months. I have previously told OH I would ideally like a water birth, which he was totally against. He is very much of the opinion that a 'normal birth on land' has worked for 1000s of years so why should I want to do something different.
Last night I brought it up again after reading a study that showed water births can decrease tearing and generally improve a mother's wellbeing during childbirth.
He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby, and cites statistics about mothers who have c-sections being more likely to develop PTSD or PND.
It's like debating with a child. He doesn't listen to my point of view or really take my feelings into consideration at all in the situation.
"I'd rather we find a woman who will carry your egg and give a normal birth than choosing to "lay my eggs in water when they should be laid in a nest"."
I mean come on... He basically said if I had a water birth he would never forgive me.
I've said we can speak to a doctor or a midwife and seek their advice but he is dead set against it and has "had his last word on it".
Am I being unreasonable to think that ultimately the way I give birth is my decision, and he should have more consideration for how I will feel in this whole thing?

OP posts:
Howzaboutye · 11/12/2019 12:48

LTB

arethereanyleftatall · 11/12/2019 12:49

Something has gone very very wrong in both your upbringings, that you even have to ask this question.
The birth method is utterly irrelevant now, what is relevant is that you are married to a man who neither loves nor respects you. Leave.

horse4course · 11/12/2019 12:51

Yuck. Agree this man is not one to have kids with.
First it'll be birth choices, then feeding choices, then how you parent and whether you return to employment - I see grim things if you stay together.

SittingAround1 · 11/12/2019 12:52

Your love for him will wane when you're screaming in pain during labour and he's telling you it's better this way.

Your love for him will be gone when you have to get up for the third time that night, it's 4 am, you haven't slept more than 2 hours straight since giving birth a few weeks earlier, your stitches are still bothering you, your nipples are red from soreness, your baby is screaming it's head off and he lies in bed as it's 'woman's work' to look after the baby.

keepingbees · 11/12/2019 12:53

OP his views are not normal whatever excuses you're making for him. Why do you want a family with him, you're not answering that? He's a controlling bully and you'd do well to get out now before you bring a child into this.

Throckmorton · 11/12/2019 12:56

Quite aside from why you would want to have children with this man and tie yourself to him, do you really think he is suitable father material to inflict on a child? Can you imagine the way he would bring up a girl given his attitude to women?

hannah1992 · 11/12/2019 12:56

I haven't read all the replies but what does he think a water birth is? Does he think you're planning to go to the ocean and swim whilst giving birth? Is that why he keeps banging on about giving birth on land?

FWIW I really wanted a water birth with dd2 however, she came far too quickly. Only just hot to hospital in time and they couldn't fill the pool in time. But my midwife said it was a great option. Lots of women cope better with the pain in the water and feel more relaxed. It can also reduce stress for the baby as they are in water inside mum for 9 months.

My reply would be "if you dont have a vagina you dont have a say". But in your situation and seen as your not pregnant yet I would be seriously thinking as to whether i wanted a baby with him

hungrywalrus · 11/12/2019 12:56

Nature wants women to die in childbirth. Tell him ‘trust in God, but tie your camel first!’

Also please consider that if he has views from another century, what are his parents like? Are you going to have the in laws from hell if child is born?

neonglow · 11/12/2019 12:58

This is not normal at all.

Sugarpea123 · 11/12/2019 12:59

Would not be having a child with this man tbf 🤷‍♀️

ethelredonagoodday · 11/12/2019 13:02

He sounds like an absolute tool!!!! If this is his attitude now, am not entirely sure that his approach to bringing up kids will be that appealing either...

Cremebrule · 11/12/2019 13:03

Sorry but like others I would not be having a child with this man.

‘He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby’ I can assure you this is utter bollocks. Would he be denying you pain relief in labour if you need an epidural etc? My first labour was unimaginably painful and long. My second labour was a breeze in comparison. No difference in bond between my children but I had a far harder time with my first baby because of birth trauma and pain.

vampirethriller · 11/12/2019 13:03

A water birth is on land. They don't take you out to bloody sea in a dinghy. He's a fucking nut.
I had an emergency c section, no PND, no trouble bonding with my baby. Please don't have children with him, your life would be miserable.

ChristmasCakeLover · 11/12/2019 13:04

So pain equals better bond then? So his bond will be shit by his definition given he won't be in pain. Perhaps you should punch him in the valls for every contraction? Share the pain, increase the bond?

Petrichor11 · 11/12/2019 13:04

WHY are you even thinking of having kids with this Ridiculous cock of a “man”?!

Decent men don’t try to control their partners!

Run a mile

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 11/12/2019 13:07

He doesn't listen to my point of view or really take my feelings into consideration at all in the situation.

DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN

I don’t know how much more of a warning sign you need but this is it!! He is telling you now who he is. LISTEN. Seriously. It gets worse after you’re pregnant. Don’t do it.

katkit · 11/12/2019 13:08

hideous views- is he joking? surely?

TotalRecall · 11/12/2019 13:09

I’m sorry you have an asshole for a husband. Please don’t have a child with him.

RainMinusBow · 11/12/2019 13:09

I'm pregnant with my third, fiancé's first. I'm 39 and keen on a home birth having done lots of research.

Fiancé just kind of assumed I'd go into hospital and if if it was his choice I would, but he respects the fact that it's me giving birth so ultimately supports my decision.

Outnumbered99 · 11/12/2019 13:10

My goodness OP please think very carefully before having children with this man. And I don't say that often.

OliviaBenson · 11/12/2019 13:13

This will be the tip of the iceberg op, he will have very fixed ideas about how to bring up your child. Think long and hard about what you could be getting yourself into here.

Raspberrytruffle · 11/12/2019 13:13

No vag no say

CornishMaid1 · 11/12/2019 13:13

Tell him to get lost. Seriously.

You are birthing the baby. How you want the baby to come out of you is your choice. Is he likely to be one of those who wants to be in the waiting room? Either way, tell him he can wait outside and have someone with you to support you for the birth you want. After all, it is not meant to be easy and you do not need someone making it worse.

I just read your update to say you are both Muslim, so this may not completely work, but if he thinks you need a lot of pain to bond, I would tell him that you want to test his theory so will shove the Christmas turkey up his bum and he can then tell you whether the pain helped him bond with the turkey. After all research is very important.

JesusMaryAndJosepheen · 11/12/2019 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses · 11/12/2019 13:15

He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby

I wouldn't be having sex with anyone who said. Actually I wouldn't have them in my house.

I had the pain, a whole lot of pain (I had complications...) and all the drugs. Ended up with birth trauma and reliving the whole fucking thing for over a year. Took me weeks to bond with my baby because I felt completely empty and numb afterwards and none of the midwives would listen to me if I tried to bring it up.

I wouldn't have a baby with your OH. How a woman gives birth is nothing to do with any man, not even the father. What he should be saying is 'it's your choice and I will support your decision'.