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AIBU?

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Original poster

Disagree with husband about childbirth

654 replies

soshnomore · 11/12/2019 10:34

So I'm not pregnant but hoping to be in the next few months. I have previously told OH I would ideally like a water birth, which he was totally against. He is very much of the opinion that a 'normal birth on land' has worked for 1000s of years so why should I want to do something different.
Last night I brought it up again after reading a study that showed water births can decrease tearing and generally improve a mother's wellbeing during childbirth.
He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby, and cites statistics about mothers who have c-sections being more likely to develop PTSD or PND.
It's like debating with a child. He doesn't listen to my point of view or really take my feelings into consideration at all in the situation.
"I'd rather we find a woman who will carry your egg and give a normal birth than choosing to "lay my eggs in water when they should be laid in a nest"."
I mean come on... He basically said if I had a water birth he would never forgive me.
I've said we can speak to a doctor or a midwife and seek their advice but he is dead set against it and has "had his last word on it".
Am I being unreasonable to think that ultimately the way I give birth is my decision, and he should have more consideration for how I will feel in this whole thing?

OP posts:
gingergittable · 11/12/2019 12:23

One of my best friends is a strict Arab Muslim and so is her husband. They also had a water birth. Him not being a controlling, sadistic asshole and all.

Thedeadwood · 11/12/2019 12:24

This is one of those threads where I desperately hope you’re a troll, but suspect you’re not. Do not dismiss what everyone on here has said. Do not have children with this man. With such misogynistic views on childbirth, do you really want to raise children with such beliefs? This is only the starting point and is not about to just go away. You cannot bring innocent lives into this.

See you in a year or so’s time when you’re back on here posting that your DH is a selfish, controlling bastard who does nothing for his kids.

Oh and whilst I’m at it, anything about childbirth that harkens back to a “this is how women have been doing it for centuries” makes me want to smack people. Until the 21st century childbirth was the single biggest killer of women FFS and in many less developed countries, it still is.

No uterus, no opinion.

Nanny0gg · 11/12/2019 12:26

I completely agree with most of you. He is going to have to accept that if we do have a child together, that child is coming out of me the way I decide with my doctor/midwife.

You do know this is the least of your problems, right?

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 11/12/2019 12:26

I can't believe what I've just read Confused is it still 2019?

My dad was quite Victorian in his attitudes but no way would he have insisted my mum
suffer in childbirth. Your OH isn't old fashioned, he's a misogynistic, controlling excuse for a human being. He sees you and your uterus as his property. What the hell are you thinking by staying with him let alone considering children? I've read some batshittery on here but this takes the biscuit.

Littletabbyocelot · 11/12/2019 12:27

Love isn't enough. And it certainly isn't enough to bring children into the mix. The lack of compassion and excess of misogyny required to want, actively want you to go through the maximum amount of pain and to threaten you with a surrogate if you won't is staggering. He isn't a safe person to have children with.

My sister was refused painkiller in childbirth because they didn't believe she was far enough along (and didn't check). Really extreme pain is not easy to cope with and it triggered severe pnd.

ltk · 11/12/2019 12:28

I have not RTFT. Just here to say: DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN. I am sure plenty have made this point. Listen.

Londongirl86 · 11/12/2019 12:29

Water births seem to really help. Also labour is so unpredictable. I had one induction. Laid on a bed and very painful. They had to cut me a little (two stitches) and that labour was way more painful than my natural.

My natural was 2 hours and 40 minutes. 2.40am I had my first contraction. At 4amish we drove the 45 minutes to the hospital. Got to the ward at 4.55 and son was born at 5.16am. she was offering to fill the pool up for me at 5am before I said I need to push. Again it was a bed labour. Had more stitches with him. Nothing that affected me though. Couple on outside. A couple on the inside.

To be honest think about what you want. But be prepared for a million different things. Such as fast labour, induction, someone else in the pool already, midwife shortages, wanting an epidural. Don't be too focused on having a pool birth but definitely have it as an idea.

Your partner is talking nonsense. It varies for women how they feel afterwards and how quickly they bond etc.

I loved mine straight away and was on a huge high. I was so proud and I can literally see them now in great detail. My first memories of my daughter being passed to me after a horrible painful labour. She was beautiful and I was thinking I can't believe she's mine. She's real. This is really that baby ive waited all this time for.
With my son he was born fast and they out him straight on my chest. My contractions continued to deliver the placenta. I remember how the placed him on me he was facing the wrong way. So I was looking at his little hairy head and back and thinking I can't see his face lol!!!

Your the one going through it so it's his job to respect your choice. When you go into labour you know what you want too. So I knew when I needed the gas and air. With my induction they were giving me paracetamol and birthing balls etc too. No time with my son. My body took over and did what it was wanting to do. Your partner needs to listen to you! Xx

diddl · 11/12/2019 12:30

Really hope that this isn't real.

If it is I hope, hope, hope that Op at least doesn't have kids with this horror, but preferably leaves & finds a decent man.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/12/2019 12:30

My DH is North African Muslim. I have had two children. He offered no opinion at all on how I should give birth. He clearly felt it was a woman’s choice to decide how I gave birth. He is an active and involved Dad who had no wish to see me suffer unnecessarily.

This thread reminds me of some of the old fashioned Christian (I am RC) bollocks around the pain of childbirth being women’s punishment for Eve tempting Adam.

Lsquiggles · 11/12/2019 12:32

Do not have a baby with this man Shock

aveenos · 11/12/2019 12:33

I would not have a child with a manchild like that. If a birth causes so much tension (he is an idiot by the way and it is your body anyways), I don't want to image what it is like having a child with him EnvyAngry

Choufleur · 11/12/2019 12:34

I’d question why you’re planning on having a baby with a misogynist.

ltk · 11/12/2019 12:35

Giving birth is only one small issue about parenthood. This has nothing to do with how you give birth. Imagine the other topics available for disagreement. He is a controlling arse and ignorant. He will be a controlling ignorant arse on every issue from pregnancy to university choices. Don't do it.

El2El · 11/12/2019 12:36

At least he's 'had his last word on it'. You won't need to listen to him spout his clap trap anymore and can give birth however you want. Although I would be seriously considering whether to have children with someone like him. What if you have a daughter and he directs his nasty sexism towards her or if you have a son and he raises him to hold similar beliefs!?

billy1966 · 11/12/2019 12:36

He sounds like a real natural contraceptive.
Yuk.
Why would anyone want to have a child with a twat like him.

ottertherotter · 11/12/2019 12:38

YABU if you reproduce with that worthless piece of shit

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 11/12/2019 12:40

He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby

So by that idiotic logic presumably no men ever bonds with their baby?

Fuck that for a laugh.

custardbear · 11/12/2019 12:40

I'm so sorry OP but your husband is a total cock - honestly, are you SURE you want him and his opinions driving not only your life, but any children you may have? Please consider that very carefully

Slumberly · 11/12/2019 12:40

Do not have a child with this man

notacooldad · 11/12/2019 12:42

’He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby’
What a crick of shite!
Ds2 nearly flew out it was that quick of a birth with no issues but there was a totally instant bond there - hes a pain in the ass now!!( joke!!!) With Ds1 I had complications and was with Dh for a while but as soon as he was in my arms I feel in love!

IP its your labour and childbirth.
I think it is important to talk to each other and listen to each others point of view but his concerns over the issue are ridiculous.

malaguena · 11/12/2019 12:42

OP this is just mad. I am married to a Muslim man born and raised in a Muslim country, I have lovely male brothers in law and relatives back in their country and I can't imagine any of them behaving like that. I had a water birth for my 2nd child and it was a great experience. Still painful but pretty much no tearing and I felt much more in charge. If that's what you want go for it. My husband had no word in it and supported me in my choice. I actually kicked him out of the room at some point because I was in pain and wanted to be left alone. What your husband is doing is really abusive and nothing to do with being "a traditional Muslim man". Traditionally labour is between women and their midwives, men don't get involved. What kind of traditional man would even mention surrogacy? Honestly I wouldn't have children with him until this issue is resolved one way or another, and it seems a massive red flag. Take care of yourself

Hauskat · 11/12/2019 12:45

Oh god I pressed Your are being unreasonably when obviously obviously obviously you aren’t. And he is being a massive prick. Sorry, finger twitch. I do think you might want to reconsider having a baby with this man. Having a baby can really alter the power dynamic - at least for a time- where you may need a certain amount of care and will be dealing with a huge life change and he just doesn’t sound trustworthy if his number one concern is not you. And the idea that the pain helps you bond is actually quite perverted not to mention totally false.

firstimemamma · 11/12/2019 12:46

If you still want a baby with him, you're just going to have to either keep arguing your point or give birth without him and have another birth partner - one who is on your side. Please do not let him win on this one, he's simply not right and he's not the one who has to go through with it.

I had a water birth and while it was obviously still painful and a lot of hard work - I honestly found being in the water brilliant and would highly recommend it.

I was only in the pool in the labour ward for the last couple of hours - I spent a good 14 out of the 16 hours of my labour at home on the sofa / birthing ball.

Also the technology these days is brilliant. I had wireless monitoring strapped to my bump so that the baby's heart rate could be safely monitored in the water just as it would be "on dry land".

You can obviously get out at any stage. At one point they were worried the baby was breech so I popped out of the pool onto a bed in the same room, they got a doctor in who performed an ultrasound scan right there and then in the room, they confirmed the baby was in fact head down and then I was allowed to simply get straight back in. Even though I had a water birth, the baby was monitored exactly as he needed to be.

I do appreciate that some women plan water births and then for various reasons they can't have one, but it seems ridiculous to me that your husband is ruling one out altogether.

He is being very ignorant, stubborn and selfish.

fourandnomore · 11/12/2019 12:47

I can’t believe you are arguing over this given you’re not even expecting a child but ultimately even you are not in control of whether you have a water birth or not. I really wanted one, dh totally supportive and I now have four kids without having given birth in water. Ah well, they arrived however they chose to at the time.
Your husband’s attitude to this is totally extreme though and I would certainly be reconsidering reproducing with him.

Kanga83 · 11/12/2019 12:48

'The more pain you go through'.....make sure while in labour you are twisting his bollocks hard. Just for bonding purposes.

I had two c-secs for what it's worth. One emergency one elective.