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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my marriage over this

162 replies

Bebby80 · 10/12/2019 11:59

Name changed as this is very outing for anyone who knows me in real life.

Recently found out I was pregnant with dc no 4. Dh wasn’t happy and tbh it took me a while to get my head around. Timing wasn’t great but after having a think, we both decided we would be going ahead with the pregnancy.

I had my first scan (12 week) yesterday. Told dh about it weeks in advance. He couldn’t get the day off but as he works 10 mins from the hospital he said he would meet me there and then go back to work. Text him as I was leaving to remind him. Get there and it’s 5 mins from my appointment time, he hasn’t shown up. Call him and he says sorry he forgot. As I’m on the phone to him, they call me in so I tell him there’s no point now.

The scan didn’t go well. They can see a yolk and sac and baby but baby has no heartbeat. I’m devastated, obviously. I have no symptoms of miscarriage so it was a complete shock but they tell me the pregnancy isn’t viable and I will miscarry. They give me my options.

I phone him in the car on the way home and ask if he can possibly leave early as I was really upset. He says he will try. I get on with my day, pick other dc up from school. Radio silence from him, not even a text to see how I’m doing. Gets to 6pm, he’s not home. Call him a couple of times, no answer. It’s now 8.30 and I’m calling him again he finally answers and I ask where he is. He says the lads called him as they were a player down (he does a team sport) so he decided to go straight to his club from work. Honestly, I just lost it on the phone to him. I was trying to keep it together all day as I didn’t want to be upset in front of the dc but I couldn’t hold it in. This is just another in a long line of times I feel let down by him. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. In his words, him being home won’t change anything and he said he was upset too and needed to clear his head. I told him if he can’t even be there for me at a time I need him to most, what is the point in us being together.

Am I being a massive drama queen here as he has made me feel like I am?

OP posts:
Bellabooz · 10/12/2019 19:29

Just be patient, try not to argue in front of your children ..Try and get a babysitter go for a nice meal or somewere you can both talk to one another, don't throw the towel in just yet ..Same happened to me but now as my children are all grewn up and spread there wings my life with my hubby is like we first met Wink

DishingOutDone · 10/12/2019 19:38

Same happened to me @Bellabooz that's a really interesting post - so your hubby went out to play sport whilst you were dealing with a miscarriage and asked him to come home? He was an abusive prick too? And you think a nice meal helped?

Sparkletastic · 10/12/2019 19:41

He's a selfish wanker and you deserve better.

Bellabooz · 10/12/2019 19:49

For the sake of my kids ..Yes I certainly did stick with all the shit that came with my marriage, but now it's different now we are on our own .I just bided my time and I'm sure glad I did because we now have a beutiful grand daughter Smile

SinisterBumFacedCat · 10/12/2019 19:59

He’s a shit. You really would be better off without him.

Wakingupnow · 10/12/2019 20:03

He did what? The lads needed him? His wife fucking needed him. Really needed him.

I could understand if he couldnt get off work but going to play sport with the lads. At least if you decide you want out, you've certainly got grounds.

Selfish bastard Angry

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 10/12/2019 20:14

Well I hope your children’s relationships aren’t the arduous tonne of shit you’re inferring yours was @Bellabooz

Sticking with a rubbish shitty relationship models to the children that treating one another with disdain and a lack of respect is totally fine. The fighting is normal and resentment just a part of what relationships are.

Sticking with a dysfunctional marriage does more damage for the family unit than divorce does - FACT.

Original poster
Bebby80 · 10/12/2019 21:04

PaulHollywoodsSexGut
See that’s just it. All these years I stayed with him for the kids. I didn’t want to break up their home, we have a nice house in a nice area, we’re close to school etc. I’ve come to realise, I have a dd and I don’t want her to grow up thinking it ok for a man to treat her this way. I have 2 sons, I don’t want them to think it’s ok to treat a woman like this. I want them to see me happy, confident, chilled out and fun. All the things I used to be. I’m never going to be those things being married to him. He’s just slowly worn me down and I’ve sat back and let it happen, because I wanted an easy life. I hold so much resentment for him and I don’t think there’s any coming back from that.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/12/2019 21:49

My DH isn't great at being emotionally there for me, and his hobbies and weekends away are important to him and he went away even when I had 4 very young DC including a 2 week old.

However no way would he have not been there under the situations you have described. He would have been at home or up hospital being all practical and giving cuddles even if he wouldn't be able to listen to talk about it.

Yeah you are incredibly worn down and alone, can't see what he brings to the family? DH could run the house, spends time with the DC doing "wifework" as well as fun stuff.

CatteStreet · 11/12/2019 06:24

In my numerous miscarriages, I preferred to go to hospital etc etc etc alone. You, however, asked him to come to you, and he wouldn't. Whoever said that was a massive (and IMO deliberate) 'fuck you' was spot on.

I've had one 'natural'/complete mc, four ERPCs and a medical management (for two missed mc and four that started by themselves), and I think for a missed mc, where there is no indication of when it might start, I would initiate management somehow. An ERPC is over quickly and there isn't much bleeding or pain, but you'll need someone to stay with you for 24h afterwards (if you choose GA, which I did and I would). That would obviously be a family member, as I would not be relying on your h. My medically managed mc was mildly painful and not overly messy, but had started by itself and it was a case of expediting that and avoiding the risk of something being retained. - with a mc that hasn't begun it might be more brutal.

How do you think your h would respond to being sat down and told a few home truths by a member of your family? You'll have to shatter any illusions of theirs first, obviously.

Motoko · 11/12/2019 08:37

People's mindset about "staying together for the kids" has to change. It's far more damaging to them to live in a household with a father who treats his wife abominably, where there's no love, and only resentment.

It models bad relationships to the children, who grow up thinking that this is what relationships are like, because it's their normal, and when they find themselves in their own relationships like it, they accept it.

It's not that long ago that domestic abuse was accepted. Women expected to get the occasional slap, excusing it by saying she was nagging him, so she deserved it.

And about being a "good father" Fizzy explained it very well, what an actual good father looks like.
You can bet that this so called "good father" won't be having his children 50/50, or even EOW, because the children will interfere with his sport. A good father doesn't piss off to watch/play sport when his baby is in NICU.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/12/2019 15:44

Bebby - your husband is not a good father - he's barely there for his kids. But of course they enjoy spending what tiny amount of time they get with him, they're desperate for his attention, so anything they get, they will wring maximum enjoyment out of.

This will probably change as they get older.

And it's easy to be a "great parent" when you're not doing 95% of the actual parenting - the hard shit, the discipline, the teaching them how to be decent human beings etc. - if you're only there for 5% of the time and that's "fun time" then obviously the kids are going to think he's great - but in real terms, he's not. He's absent. He cares less for them than he does for his hobby and his friends.

Monsterinmyshoe · 11/12/2019 15:50

Sorry for your loss OP. I would be absolutely livid if my OH did this. If this is just one mistake (NRTFT) then you really need to talk. If this is another thing in a string of incidents like this then I wouldn't blame you for ending your marriage. I have ended relationships for far less displays of insensitivity and ignorance.

I hope things work.out well for you whatever you choose. Flowers

Greenkit · 11/12/2019 16:10

He is not invested in you, the children or your marriage

Sassanacs · 11/12/2019 16:27

What an absolute cock. I wouldn't have it tbh

LemonPrism · 11/12/2019 16:37

Wow. Yeah there's not much worse of a let down than not going home to comfort your wife after she miscarries is there? Heartless

Thanks I hope you're Ok.

SunshineCake · 11/12/2019 16:42

@Bellabooz you would have had the grand daughter even if you'd left the idiot you are married too Hmm. JI for anyone thinking leaving their marriage means no grandchildren.

FreedomfromPE · 11/12/2019 17:01

I'm sorry you're going through this and without support from your husband. Flowers I'd hit him with a wet kipper if I knew where to find the selfish git

Kwhatnow · 11/12/2019 17:20

I’m sorry this happened to you op how awful. As for your partner, His unborn child has died and he’s out with the lads. I don’t think I’d ever forgive my husband if he did that.

RealBecca · 11/12/2019 17:22

Hes an absolute fucking cunt.

Im sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Bebby80 · 12/12/2019 18:01

Thank you so much to everyone that replied. Truly, at a time when I was at one of my lowest points, all of you helped me massively.

I have told my two best friends about what happened. Like with my family, I tend not to tell them anything bad as I’m not the type of person who likes offloading my issues on other. This time I just let rip. It’s like it’s been bursting to get out and once I started, I couldn’t stop! They were both amazing and confessed that they had recently had doubts about my dh. They both live local to me, and our dc are all in the same school, so we socialise a lot. They said they noticed dh was very rarely home and commented how I was always with the dc. The have both sod they will support me no matter what I decide.

Dh has finally apologised and agreed that he did a horrible thing. He’s still using the ‘needed to clear my head’ defence but I’m not by buying it. I’ve had a think and have told him that it’s over. I’m not happy and I know he isn’t either. I’ve asked that we just get through Xmas and then I will start looking for a place and move out.

OP posts:
EL2019 · 12/12/2019 18:23

Why are you moving out?

For goodness sake. Get some proper legal advise.

Don’t leave the house.

DPotter · 12/12/2019 18:26
Flowers

Very sorry about the baby and I thinking for some support and counselling is a good idea.

I also think he is the one who should be moving out - not you. You have his 3 children to care for and as you say you’re near the school, your parents and presumably your friends. He’s checked out so he should move out. Either way I hope you have an enjoyable Christmas with your children

CareBear50 · 12/12/2019 18:29

Oh darling. I'm so sorry x

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 12/12/2019 18:50
Flowers

You're doing the right thing. Why do you have to be the one to move out though? Surely it would be less de-stabilising for the DC for you and then to remain in their famiy home and him to get his own place.

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