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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my marriage over this

162 replies

Bebby80 · 10/12/2019 11:59

Name changed as this is very outing for anyone who knows me in real life.

Recently found out I was pregnant with dc no 4. Dh wasn’t happy and tbh it took me a while to get my head around. Timing wasn’t great but after having a think, we both decided we would be going ahead with the pregnancy.

I had my first scan (12 week) yesterday. Told dh about it weeks in advance. He couldn’t get the day off but as he works 10 mins from the hospital he said he would meet me there and then go back to work. Text him as I was leaving to remind him. Get there and it’s 5 mins from my appointment time, he hasn’t shown up. Call him and he says sorry he forgot. As I’m on the phone to him, they call me in so I tell him there’s no point now.

The scan didn’t go well. They can see a yolk and sac and baby but baby has no heartbeat. I’m devastated, obviously. I have no symptoms of miscarriage so it was a complete shock but they tell me the pregnancy isn’t viable and I will miscarry. They give me my options.

I phone him in the car on the way home and ask if he can possibly leave early as I was really upset. He says he will try. I get on with my day, pick other dc up from school. Radio silence from him, not even a text to see how I’m doing. Gets to 6pm, he’s not home. Call him a couple of times, no answer. It’s now 8.30 and I’m calling him again he finally answers and I ask where he is. He says the lads called him as they were a player down (he does a team sport) so he decided to go straight to his club from work. Honestly, I just lost it on the phone to him. I was trying to keep it together all day as I didn’t want to be upset in front of the dc but I couldn’t hold it in. This is just another in a long line of times I feel let down by him. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. In his words, him being home won’t change anything and he said he was upset too and needed to clear his head. I told him if he can’t even be there for me at a time I need him to most, what is the point in us being together.

Am I being a massive drama queen here as he has made me feel like I am?

OP posts:
MyOwnSummer · 10/12/2019 12:33

I am so sorry for your loss.

This is truly abysmal behaviour from him, there is no excuse for this at all - none. I'd caution against making any snap decisions while you are grieving, however. But yes, you are being perfectly reasonable to consider your future with this man.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/12/2019 12:34

So 'the lads' needed him and you didn't?

That's shocking. Really selfish. Even if it's true that he was upset too (which I doubt as I believe you're right0, the fact that he left you to deal with it on your own is heartless.

I would also be tediously considering my options and the future of the relationship.

So sorry for your loss. Flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/12/2019 12:34

seriously, not tediously!

BuildBuildings · 10/12/2019 12:39

I'm so sorry for your loss and for your awful husband. The thing is maternity and any medical appointments are no big deal if all is well. But when it's not, like today you really need the support. Your op just got worse. Not coming to the appointment is one thing but if he's so close to the hospital the fact he didn't rush to you is awful. This would seriously make me evaluate our relationship. He's got his priorities wrong.

goodluckdontdie · 10/12/2019 12:40

Sorry for your loss, OP.

You said this is the straw that broke the camel's back, but to be fair, this is like a big rock that broke the camel's back. Really shameful behaviour from your husband.

dreamingbohemian · 10/12/2019 12:42

He is an absolute bastard and yes, you should leave him.

How can you ever trust him again? If he can't be there for you at such a difficult time.

No one is this selfish and cruel as a one-off. It shows his true colours.

iswhois · 10/12/2019 12:43

He has seriously let you down. You need to ask him whether he wants this family life or not, because if he is not fully committed then he can fuck off out the door.

So sorry you had to go through this alone ThanksThanks

AryaStarkWolf · 10/12/2019 12:45

You are definitely not BU, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your DH sounds like insensitive, uncaring asshole

Honeybee85 · 10/12/2019 12:46

Op I am so sorry.

It was incredibly insensitive and actually downright cold what your DH has done to you.
I don’t think it’s strange that this makes you rethink your relationship with him esspecially given that it’s not the first time that he has let you down.

Flowers and hugs

Please feel better soon

Newbie1981 · 10/12/2019 12:50

Oh my god. You are def not a drama queen! I don't know what I would have done without my husband when I had my MMC. You poor thing. I would def reconsider my marriage, if I'm honest it sounds like he's checked out of it anyway. I am so sorry for your loss

CanIHaveADrink · 10/12/2019 12:51

Yes I suspect he was relieved and went to release the tension (of being a father again, not the miscarriage!).
The big issue is that he hasn’t acknowledged how hurtful and hard it has been for you. And that he thinks sticking to his position is right. Aka no empathy at all for you.

I wouod be very tempted to tell him that, as you are going to go through a miscarriage, he HAS to be there for you. I would do my best to NOT shield him from all the gory details the pain etc... because, if this relationship is to be saved, he has to understand what having a miscarriage actually means (and no it’s not just a heavy period).
Only do that if YOu want him to be there. Because if he is going to annoy you, make you feel uncomfortable in any shape or form, then don’t force yourself to have him there.
Flowers

GeePipe · 10/12/2019 12:51

Im so sorry for your loss. No advice but his behaviour is shitty beyond belief. X

GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/12/2019 12:52

What a nasty prick.
I'm so sorry.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 10/12/2019 12:53

Flowers @Bebby80 I’m so sorry. You’re going through an awful time in more ways than one.

Even if he was secretly relieved long term, then the very least he could do is comfort, support and show you love.

From what you say it sounds very much like he’s checking out both mentally and physically from family life. I hope you have people close to you who can rally round.

ConnorRipley · 10/12/2019 12:57

He’s a cunt. My husband did similar to me when I had a miscarriage and almost eight years later I have never forgiven him. Life has moved on now and we have two more children and are happy (as you can be after someone has let you down as badly as that). But I do have the occasional 3am moment where I think I should have left him at the time. It certainly warranted leaving IMO.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/12/2019 13:02

I think you've probably already had the serious talks.

And that Paris weekend? I would be leaving a day early, calling him from your Travelodge and telling him you're already on the way to the hen. Childcare is his to sort. Yep, no discussion. Sorry, is that a problem? I thought that's how you liked it? Or does that just apply to me?

I would be moving ahead in my mind to being without him, yes. It's not just 'one day' or one thing - it's a pattern of showing you just how little he cares and just how much he holds you in contempt.

Oh and if he decides he won't co-parent and share care then it will be his loss longer term, won't it?

Maybe one of 'the lads' will let him have Christmas with them so he isn't on his own next year.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/12/2019 13:04

ConnorRipley when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

You do believe him and that's why your 3am wobbles aren't wobbles, they're your warning voice.

Make sure you have that secret fund and that you are as financially independent as possible. I don't doubt he'll show you again just how little you matter, one day.

bobstersmum · 10/12/2019 13:06

Horrible selfish man. So sorry you're going through this op. Flowers

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 10/12/2019 13:06

In his words, him being home won’t change anything and he said he was upset too and needed to clear his head.

There have been times where my DH has probably felt the same about something that has upset me. There have probably been times where might have actually felt a relief about something that has upset me. He would still be there for me even if he didn't know exactly what to say or do. And even if he had to put his own feelings to the side for a moment to comfort me. And he certainly wouldn't go out with his mates to 'clear his head'.

What your H (not so D) did is actually monstrous. And I'm sure if you thought hard enough you'd realize that there are probably many times this has happened before, him disappointing you with this behaviour. No, you wouldn't be at all unreasonable to end your marriage over this. Or at the very least, tell him you need space to think and ask for a separation. I have a feeling if you ever get him out of the house you'll probably never want to let him back in!

Reba0706 · 10/12/2019 13:07

I'm so sorry. He sounds like someone who can't feel his feelings and pushes everything down or away

Span1elsRock · 10/12/2019 13:08

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

It sounds to me that he's prioritising himself - not really the actions of a thoughtful and decent family man.

What are you getting from being together?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 10/12/2019 13:10

I'm sorry OP it does sound like things are over.

You even explicitly told him that you needed him home. It's not a case of 'he didnt know'...and yes he couldn't have changed the outcome but he could have made you feel considerably less shit.

I'm sorry

Interestedwoman · 10/12/2019 13:10

YANBU, that is awful. I've had a missed miscarriage twice so I know how you feel xxx What a wanker going out to play a game rather than coming to support you. Hugs xxxxx

ConnorRipley · 10/12/2019 13:11

Fizzygreen Not to make this thread about me, but he’s never done anything like that since. It sounds like the OP’s husband is a bit of an abusive knob in other ways - which isn’t the same as my situation. My DH has been a very good husband and father over the last eight years. I will just never really fully forgive him for not being there at that time. And I’ll never fully trust him in case he does ever do something like that again. (I have said this to his face and he was gutted.) Yes, it’s probably not perfect. But day to day, everything is good.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/12/2019 13:12

I am completely baffled that some people think that @Bebby80 is being unreasonable to be upset that her dh has prioritised his hobby over his wife who has just received some devastating news.

I wish I could give you the biggest hug, right now, @Bebby80.