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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end my marriage over this

162 replies

Bebby80 · 10/12/2019 11:59

Name changed as this is very outing for anyone who knows me in real life.

Recently found out I was pregnant with dc no 4. Dh wasn’t happy and tbh it took me a while to get my head around. Timing wasn’t great but after having a think, we both decided we would be going ahead with the pregnancy.

I had my first scan (12 week) yesterday. Told dh about it weeks in advance. He couldn’t get the day off but as he works 10 mins from the hospital he said he would meet me there and then go back to work. Text him as I was leaving to remind him. Get there and it’s 5 mins from my appointment time, he hasn’t shown up. Call him and he says sorry he forgot. As I’m on the phone to him, they call me in so I tell him there’s no point now.

The scan didn’t go well. They can see a yolk and sac and baby but baby has no heartbeat. I’m devastated, obviously. I have no symptoms of miscarriage so it was a complete shock but they tell me the pregnancy isn’t viable and I will miscarry. They give me my options.

I phone him in the car on the way home and ask if he can possibly leave early as I was really upset. He says he will try. I get on with my day, pick other dc up from school. Radio silence from him, not even a text to see how I’m doing. Gets to 6pm, he’s not home. Call him a couple of times, no answer. It’s now 8.30 and I’m calling him again he finally answers and I ask where he is. He says the lads called him as they were a player down (he does a team sport) so he decided to go straight to his club from work. Honestly, I just lost it on the phone to him. I was trying to keep it together all day as I didn’t want to be upset in front of the dc but I couldn’t hold it in. This is just another in a long line of times I feel let down by him. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. In his words, him being home won’t change anything and he said he was upset too and needed to clear his head. I told him if he can’t even be there for me at a time I need him to most, what is the point in us being together.

Am I being a massive drama queen here as he has made me feel like I am?

OP posts:

Motoko · 10/12/2019 15:38

@l2222 Did you read the rest of the thread before replying, or just rush to post your opinion?

This has been going on for at least 5 years. OP fucking well should divorce this sorry excuse for a man.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad to hear you have good support from people who do love you. I think you should let your brother tell your STBXH exactly what he thinks of him. He might actually feel a bit ashamed if he hears it from another man, seeing as he thinks more of other men than he does of his wife.

Motoko · 10/12/2019 15:40

And who the fuck are the 5% of cowards who voted YABU, but didn't post on the thread to explain why?

Topseyt · 10/12/2019 15:46

I2222 clearly hasn't read the thread and all updates, and must be one of the (thankfully) few who have voted YABU. Otherwise, I fail to see how anyone can think this is salvageable.

OP, I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry too that your DH is behaving like such an arse. I miscarried my first pregnancy many years ago. DH was with me all the time. I would certainly never have forgotten it if he had behaved the way yours has. I don't think I could have forgiven it either. That on it's own is grounds for reconsidering the future of the marriage and potentially leaving it. The rest of it just confirms that.

Talk to your family about everything that has been going on. You really need some on the ground support now.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/12/2019 15:47

Not everyone who posts would necessarily click on the poll, Motoko - so it might not be as many as 5 people thinking the OP was U.
One of them was obviously L2222 though!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/12/2019 15:48

Oh, haha, sorry! Didn't realise it gave the number of votes!
Ignore me

HermioneKipper · 10/12/2019 15:51

So sorry for your loss Miscarriages are utter bastards. My husband was a bit crap after I had one at 7 weeks - read him the riot act and he was very apologetic. Apparently he didn’t know how to act. Can’t imagine how having the scan must’ve felt when you were alone. Sending lots of hugs xx

Postmanbear · 10/12/2019 15:54

So sorry OP. I had a missed miscarriage and went for the D&C. It was quick and pain free.

l2222 · 10/12/2019 16:10

@Motoko @Nanny0gg

Thanks for your comments, yes I did read the updates. The poster has asked for opinions and that is what everyone is giving, I'm simply highlighting that there are two sides to every story and nothing's black and white.

No one on this forum knows all the detail of this scenario and so whilst I'm sure everyone wants to be supportive I personally don't believe that the "ditch him / divorce him" approach should be the first suggestion.

My thoughts are:

People DO make mistakes and with the right help they can be resolved.
Resentment is a terrible thing and destroys relationships if not dealt with quickly. It sounds like the poster has been through some really tough stuff and probably has resentment that has been simmering / should have been addressed a long time ago
There are 3 children involved here. There is no suggestion that this guy is a terrible father to the 3 kids - would divorce really be better for them?
The poster has said she's very easy going - I'm also very easy going and as a result often put my needs second to others. With some counselling I discovered that this wasn't doing me or my relationship any favours. I've since become more assertive and it's completely changed my relationship with my husband and I'm 100% happier. I needed external help to realise this - from experts. Does this guy have any idea how his actions have impacted his wife or is he just oblivious as it's never been discussed??

I repeat, I'm not condoning his actions but an essential part of a strong relationship is great communication but lots of couples simply don't know how to communicate effectively. Divorce is not an easy option, especially with 3 young children involved. Having a few counselling sessions is an easy option and should at least be attempted.

QueSera · 10/12/2019 16:15

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage OP - I had exactly the same thing, it's devastating.

Your DH - I have no words. Utterly beyond belief. You're going through a miscarriage - and he went and played sports. He didn't even bother to ring you.
From an outsider who only knows this one event in your lives, it seems to me like he's already checked out of this marriage. Or if this is his version of being 'checked in' to a marriage, it's appalling. That is definitely not how you treat someone you remotely care about. So sorry OP. x

linoleum · 10/12/2019 16:18

Don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be thinking about your future. I had a MMC and had medical management but it went badly, bled loads and ended up with a D&C - it was quick and painless and I wish I’d just gone with that option first time.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/12/2019 16:20

I never click on the poll.

Trite, crass development too often used just to stir up trouble.

Purpleartichoke · 10/12/2019 16:42

I would not leave immediately. Give yourself some time To think and plan. This may be the breaking point, but I always try to avoid making big decisions in times of crisis if I can.

He should have left work immediately. At the very least, being home would have meant two parents who could swap off being the point person while the other gets a break to go and cry.

jamdhanihash · 10/12/2019 17:14

So sorry OP. My MMC messed up my head so much that I stayed with XH a lot longer than I should've. He was never invested and the neglect just got worse. Sending you a huge hug. Don't read the riot act. Just keep your own counsel while you decide what's what.

Does 'Paris for a boys weekends away story' check out?

Original poster

Bebby80 · 10/12/2019 17:29

I didn’t actually mean to do the pole. I forgot to uncheck the box when I was doing the op.

I can’t say he’s a bad father as such. I know he loves the kids, he’s just not here very often. When he does spend time with them, they enjoy it and they obviously like spending time with him. I work from home and fit my hours around them so they’re nearly always with me. He leaves for work most days before they get up and comes home when they’re already in bed. Two nights a week he’s at his hobby and he also works weekends. With them all in school now, he hardly sees them. I’ve called him out on it before and it changes for a couple of weeks but he always goes back to the way he was.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bebby80 · 10/12/2019 17:31

Yes, the Paris story does check out, his whole team go out every year. Although at this stage, even if there was ulterior motive, I think I’m beyond caring.

OP posts:

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 10/12/2019 18:00

With them all in school now, he hardly sees them

That’s not a good father. A good father is present for his kids on multiple levels, and isn’t just “fun uncle” when it suits him.

You are de facto a single parent OP. Only by digging and talking will you be able to identify if there’s love left to build on but it takes effort and a unilateral change of attitude on his part to gain your trust that he’s not going to revert to this 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years down the line.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 10/12/2019 18:01

From your last post and his awful attitude it sounds as if it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to wind up your marriage by mutual agreement.

I hope you have family to lean on. X

Yetanotherwinter · 10/12/2019 18:15

I’m so sorry that your husband is being so inconsiderate and cold. How on earth could he ever think that it was ok to go to his sport rather than come home to you. He is probably very relieved that there isn’t going to be a baby. Even if he did feel like that he should still be supportive of you. Hope you get through this whatever you decide x

FizzyGreenWater · 10/12/2019 18:20

Oh. He's no father at all, let alone a good one.

Just sit and think for a moment exactly how you'd feel if you spent the same amount of time with them as him. Would you even feel as if you were their parent, let alone a good one?!

Hear this so often on here - a man described as a 'good dad' - and what that translates as is - he is nice to them. Plays a bit. Acts the 'dad' when he is there.

Basically what you might reasonably expect from a random family member visiting.

No actual awareness of their needs, no in depth knowledge of them as little people. No actual need to consider and think ahead with them in mind, because someone else does it. Basically if they stopped being his kids, nothing would really change in his life as it relates to them.

He's categorically not a good father. He is no father.

Queenoftheashes · 10/12/2019 18:29

He sounds awful can you just change the locks and let him stay with his goalie?

Confuddledtown · 10/12/2019 18:34

I have no advice but I'm sorry for your loss and sending you hugs

Xenadog · 10/12/2019 18:39

You are married to a piece of shit. He has treated you badly and it seems he has form for this. Why would you put yourself through more of the same?

Look to real life support and see about separating. I think, in the long run, you would be happier.

PicsInRed · 10/12/2019 19:11

Men dont go to Paris with "the boys".

They go to Amsterdam or the Med or Eastern Europe with the boys.

They go to Paris with a girl.

I'm so sorry OP. He needs to go. 💐

RandomMess · 10/12/2019 19:20

He's a selfish unsupportive checked out arse.

madmumofteens · 10/12/2019 19:23

Bebby80 so very sorry for your loss and that your husband hasn't been there for you!! I elected to let nature take its course on docs advice with my first miscarriage and it was horrendous for me, I would seriously think about getting a d and c OP I did with my 2nd miscarriage and I recovered quicker emotionally and physically 💐 take good care of yourself

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