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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my marriage over this

162 replies

Bebby80 · 10/12/2019 11:59

Name changed as this is very outing for anyone who knows me in real life.

Recently found out I was pregnant with dc no 4. Dh wasn’t happy and tbh it took me a while to get my head around. Timing wasn’t great but after having a think, we both decided we would be going ahead with the pregnancy.

I had my first scan (12 week) yesterday. Told dh about it weeks in advance. He couldn’t get the day off but as he works 10 mins from the hospital he said he would meet me there and then go back to work. Text him as I was leaving to remind him. Get there and it’s 5 mins from my appointment time, he hasn’t shown up. Call him and he says sorry he forgot. As I’m on the phone to him, they call me in so I tell him there’s no point now.

The scan didn’t go well. They can see a yolk and sac and baby but baby has no heartbeat. I’m devastated, obviously. I have no symptoms of miscarriage so it was a complete shock but they tell me the pregnancy isn’t viable and I will miscarry. They give me my options.

I phone him in the car on the way home and ask if he can possibly leave early as I was really upset. He says he will try. I get on with my day, pick other dc up from school. Radio silence from him, not even a text to see how I’m doing. Gets to 6pm, he’s not home. Call him a couple of times, no answer. It’s now 8.30 and I’m calling him again he finally answers and I ask where he is. He says the lads called him as they were a player down (he does a team sport) so he decided to go straight to his club from work. Honestly, I just lost it on the phone to him. I was trying to keep it together all day as I didn’t want to be upset in front of the dc but I couldn’t hold it in. This is just another in a long line of times I feel let down by him. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. In his words, him being home won’t change anything and he said he was upset too and needed to clear his head. I told him if he can’t even be there for me at a time I need him to most, what is the point in us being together.

Am I being a massive drama queen here as he has made me feel like I am?

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 10/12/2019 13:13

I’m so sorry for your MMC; they are horrid. Do you mind me asking, is the plan to let it pass naturally or are you going into hospital? I ask because the physical impact of either is pretty big; I was emotionally drained but the physical impact was much bigger than expected.

How old are the other DCs? Do you have parents/friend who can come and help you as you will need backup at some point?

He’s checked out of family life it seems and you deserve to know why.

You are not being hysterical - you’re coming across as very balanced and he’s let you down. Again. No wonder why you’re asking if there’s any point to continuing.

Spacebowlisback · 10/12/2019 13:23

I don’t actually advocate LTB all that much, but there is such a huge lack of care here that I would. I absolutely would for this.

dellacucina · 10/12/2019 13:23

Yanbu

CatteStreet · 10/12/2019 13:27

I don't think he was 'insensitive' or 'uncaring' or 'getting his priorities wrong', OP. I think he did this deliberately. His reason made it very clear that he prioritises himself ('the lads') over you, and he wanted you to get that message.

How long has this checking-out business been going on? Tbh I suspect he didn't forget the hen do when he booked his weekend away. He seems to be trying to set a pattern here.

Wallywobbles · 10/12/2019 13:27

Paris with the "boys" a likely story.

Pinkshoelace · 10/12/2019 13:28

I understand that he was grieving too, even if he had conflicted feelings about having another baby - but this just seems very callous.

I could understand if he hadn't been able to get out of work early - sometimes that's just not possible no matter what is going on at home.

But to choose to go out to a sporting event, one that he wasn't even previously committed to - after you had specifically called him and asked him to come home. And to not even text you to tell you he was going - to leave you worrying and wondering where he was. That all just feels like an emotional slap in the face to me.

The fact that he is doubling down on it and refusing to acknowledge how hurtful his behaviour is isn't great either.

I'd have a very hard time getting over something like this in the circumstances.

Actionhasmagic · 10/12/2019 13:28

Sorry for your loss - he’s horrible and you deserve better

Original poster
Bebby80 · 10/12/2019 13:30

Thanks again for all the replies. I just had my follow up appointment at the gp, just to take some bloods and go through my option again.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to wait for a natural miscarriage or do the d&c. My gp told me to think about it and make a decision in the next couple of days. My heads all over the place and, honestly, I’m just so confused. I’m finding it all hard to process. The only thing keeping me going are my other dc. They’re 5,6 and 8.

I think I’ve known for a while that dh doesn’t really give a shit about me. I don’t know why I’ve been clinging on to our relationship when deep down I knew he was checking out. Our youngest was very premature and I almost died whilst giving birth. I was in hospital for 4 weeks in total, dc was in Neonatal for 8 weeks. It was such a hard time for all of us and even then, he never once missed his twice a week hobby. 2 days after I was released from hospital he went to watch the rugby in Wales. I asked him not to go but he called my parents and asked them to stay with me while he was gone so he could go away guilt free. Our youngest was still in neonatal at the time.

Shit, writing it all done it’s just clicked in my brain. What the fuck have I been doing all these years?

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 10/12/2019 13:30

OP I am sorry for your loss.
Yanbu. I could never love or respect this man again, there is no excusing his actions. Flowers

Original poster
Bebby80 · 10/12/2019 13:32

Sorry for all the spelling errors

OP posts:
diddl · 10/12/2019 13:32

He might not have felt he could support you emotionally.

But at the end of the day, there were 3 other kids needed looking after whilst their mum needed help.

Butterflyflower1234 · 10/12/2019 13:33

I'm so sorry OP, you deserve so much more than this man. I do believe what you said about the straw that broke the camels back seems appropriate here.

Everyone deserves to be happy and clearly your DH can't be happy if he is treating the person he is supposed to love like this. You deserve so much more.

Be rational but plan ahead for what you think is best for you and your children.

Have you told any friends/family about the pregnancy? Please tell someone close to you so they can support you through this. We're all here (virtually) but you need someone in real life with you.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 10/12/2019 13:34

OP, I'm sorry for your loss.

And this looks like the straw that broke the camel's back. I think you really need to consider your options now, as I don't think he'll change.

Pinkshoelace · 10/12/2019 13:35

@Bebby80

Shit, writing it all done it’s just clicked in my brain. What the fuck have I been doing all these years?

Don't beat yourself up about it.

You love or loved him once and you were hoping to keep your marriage together for the sake of your children and yourself. Probably there were good times interspersed with the bad. It's likely that you couldn't put yourself in his mindset - you wouldn't treat someone you love as badly as he has - so you couldn't understand his behaviour.

It's really easy for us as disinterested and dispassionate strangers reading this all from a distance to see what has been going on for what it is. It's much much harder when you are living with it on a day to day basis and when you are the one who is wrapped up in it all.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 10/12/2019 13:36

Well, Love, you've just had the straw that broke the camel's back.

Take a deep breath and call your parents (if they are supportive of you). Tell them what he has done and that you are seriously considering/going to end your marriage. I have a feeling that they won't be all that surprised.

herbie01 · 10/12/2019 13:36

Very sorry to hear about the loss of your little one Flowers xo

Are your parents close by ? Can you contact them & tell them what's going on? A few support people (family or friends) would probably be good to get involved now, even if it's just letting them know what's going on so that can be there if needed x

Ihavethefinalsleigh · 10/12/2019 13:38

Really sorry for your loss @Bebby80. Your husband is a dick and unless you can sort this out, then yes divorce him. Flowers

bullyingadvice2017 · 10/12/2019 13:39

What a twat. My ex dh was shit when I miscarried. A horrible time without him adding to it. That caused a massive crack in our relationship. He probably would end even think it was a issue. But it was the start of the end. Hope your ok. Be kind to yourself. Don't makes any rash decisions whilst you get yourself together. But keep it in mind and watch very carefully from now at how your treated by him.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 10/12/2019 13:50

if you stay you need to accept this is how he is.

tiredvommachine · 10/12/2019 13:57

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

BlueOooChristmas · 10/12/2019 14:00

For some perspective... I've miscarried twice. Once very early at about 6 weeks. I just started bleeding at home. I phoned my husband and he spoke to his boss and came home. The second time it was missed and I found out at my scan at what I thought should be around 13 weeks. My husband was there and stayed with me the day to take care of me. I'm so sorry for your loss (and it is a loss, regardless of how early, it hurts). Your husband sounds uncaring. Consider if this is what you want the rest of your life to be.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/12/2019 14:01

He's one of those peices of shit who are in a marriage because it makes their lives easier, they get to have the kids but not really put in the work that goes along with them, they get a warm home and food and care and another adult to share all the burdens.

But if you turn to them and ask them to do their share, or for support, you can fuck right off.

User. Parasite. Nasty selfish piece of work.

Original poster
Bebby80 · 10/12/2019 14:04

To all those asking, I am very close with my family. My parents live on the next road. I only recently told them about the pregnancy and they were over the moon. I feel so bad for having to tell them bad news. I know they’ll be there for me, it’s just to them, I’m still their baby so I know this will hurt them, because it hurts me. I have told my brother though as he’s always a great shoulder to cry on. He came over last night with a full box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts to offer his support. Also made me realise that is what dh should have done. Dh is definitely not in his good books and he wanted to have a word but I asked him not to.

OP posts:
AtomicRabbit · 10/12/2019 14:04

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

ILearnedItFromABook · 10/12/2019 14:07

He sounds like an utter piece of shit.

Him being there wouldn't have changed your loss, but it would have made you feel that you weren't alone in this. No decent man would choose to play a stupid game instead of be with his grieving wife when she's just had such terrible news. He has to know this, but he chose to do what would make him feel better instead of being there for you.

I don't know that I'd leave him if it were one isolated incident (though it's impossible to say for certain). However, it's not just one incident; it's part of a recent pattern of inconsiderate, immature behaviour, and clearly something has to change.

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