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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my marriage over this

162 replies

Bebby80 · 10/12/2019 11:59

Name changed as this is very outing for anyone who knows me in real life.

Recently found out I was pregnant with dc no 4. Dh wasn’t happy and tbh it took me a while to get my head around. Timing wasn’t great but after having a think, we both decided we would be going ahead with the pregnancy.

I had my first scan (12 week) yesterday. Told dh about it weeks in advance. He couldn’t get the day off but as he works 10 mins from the hospital he said he would meet me there and then go back to work. Text him as I was leaving to remind him. Get there and it’s 5 mins from my appointment time, he hasn’t shown up. Call him and he says sorry he forgot. As I’m on the phone to him, they call me in so I tell him there’s no point now.

The scan didn’t go well. They can see a yolk and sac and baby but baby has no heartbeat. I’m devastated, obviously. I have no symptoms of miscarriage so it was a complete shock but they tell me the pregnancy isn’t viable and I will miscarry. They give me my options.

I phone him in the car on the way home and ask if he can possibly leave early as I was really upset. He says he will try. I get on with my day, pick other dc up from school. Radio silence from him, not even a text to see how I’m doing. Gets to 6pm, he’s not home. Call him a couple of times, no answer. It’s now 8.30 and I’m calling him again he finally answers and I ask where he is. He says the lads called him as they were a player down (he does a team sport) so he decided to go straight to his club from work. Honestly, I just lost it on the phone to him. I was trying to keep it together all day as I didn’t want to be upset in front of the dc but I couldn’t hold it in. This is just another in a long line of times I feel let down by him. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. In his words, him being home won’t change anything and he said he was upset too and needed to clear his head. I told him if he can’t even be there for me at a time I need him to most, what is the point in us being together.

Am I being a massive drama queen here as he has made me feel like I am?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 10/12/2019 14:07

Dh is definitely not in his good books and he wanted to have a word but I asked him not to.

I think you should probably tell your family that it's a bit more than being in the bad books. Level with them about how he really treats his family, let them know you're going to end the marriage and get their support behind you. This definitely isn't in the ballpark of 'having a word'.

Original poster
Bebby80 · 10/12/2019 14:09

Sorry to hear about everyone else’s miscarriages. I feel like the more hours passing, the harder it’s getting. I guess because dh was so unhappy when we first found out, I wasn't able to be excited and it’s only the last 2/3 weeks I’ve been happy and excited about having another baby in the house. It’s now so cruelly ripped away from and I just feel empty. I’ve been thinking I will ask the gp if there are any counselling options available where I am.

OP posts:
Morgan12 · 10/12/2019 14:10

Yes I would end my marriage if I was you.

Sorry for your loss. I hope you have other family who can support you and DC.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/12/2019 14:10

Your husband is a self-serving shit.

Get rid of him - he doesn't deserve you.

I thought it was bad enough that my husband let me get the train home after my second early miscarriage was confirmed by ultrasound - because he had a Big Boss over from a different area, and was taking him around on client visits - but yours is a bastard. (NB - the Big Boss was pretty shocked when he found out that the husband had let me take the train home too, tbh - I knew the MC had already happened so wasn't that bothered myself because really, what could he do? and I was pretty stoical about it)

But yours - going out directly after work after you'd ASKED him to come home for support - fuck that. That's a direct "fuck you" in your direction - he doesn't want to give you support, he doesn't give a flying shit about your need for it and he's only interested in himself.

Ugh.

Thanks for your loss - it's never a nice thing to undergo.

NannySusan · 10/12/2019 14:12

I am so sorry for your loss, it is terrible that you are having to face the reality of who your DH is at the same time as losing your baby. Flowers
Take your time because you have a lot to deal with but now you have seen him I don't think you will be able to unsee.
You deserve a partner, someone who wants to be there to comfort when things are tough and to celebrate with you before anyone else when things are good.
Your DH is stopping you achieving that at the moment.

ILearnedItFromABook · 10/12/2019 14:13

Actually, after reading how he behaved when your youngest was born, it's not even all that recent a pattern!

You deserve so much better. Flowers

It's good to read that you have your family close by to help you through whatever decision you make regarding your husband.

SunshineCake · 10/12/2019 14:13

Bebby, your bother bringing you doughnuts has made me tearful. What a lovely brother. I'd let him have a word with the twat you are married to tbh.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've lost two babies, one a twin, and it is so upsetting.

Please let your parents look after you. Take care of the kids between you and I'd be leaving your husband to his own devices until you make a decision.

Take care Flowers.

sillysmiles · 10/12/2019 14:13

Reading through that is so sad. I had a missed miscarriage during the summer. They are shitty and devastating. But dealing with in with an OH who doesn't give a fuck is cruel.
I wouldn't bother reading him the riot act to be honest. What is it going to achieve other than making you more upset? Just start planning the life you want from now on.

BTW - I was offered and took tablets at home to deal with the mm without needing a d&c. It meant that I could control the timing to an extent.

Original poster
Bebby80 · 10/12/2019 14:14

FizzyGreenWater
You’re right. I’ve been keeping a lot of things from my family and covering for him. My family have a good relationship with him and I never really tell them any of the bad things because I just want everyone to get along. I’m such an easy going person anyway, I’ve obviously let a lot of things slide and he’s taken full advantage of that.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 10/12/2019 14:16

He's a knob
He's shown you he isn't going to support you, doesn't even seem as though he likes you very much. Sorry op, but you should look at your options for ending it

sillysmiles · 10/12/2019 14:17

@AtomicRabbit - I understand what you mean - but why oh why is any woman responsible for keeping the pressure on to ensure their husband behaves like a decent and caring human.
No. IMO no woman needs that and you'd be better off alone.

Original poster
Bebby80 · 10/12/2019 14:18

sillysmiles
Thank you for that. I am going to ask my parents if they can keep the dc tonight so I can have a proper think about what I want

OP posts:
Original poster
Bebby80 · 10/12/2019 14:20

SunshineCake
Yes, my brother is pretty awesome! I’m lucky to have him. I’m 8 years older than him and looked after him a lot when we were kids as my parents worked long hours. We’re very close and he’s always there if I need him. He’s also very level-headed and matter of fact about things which helps me a lot, as I’m not any of those.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/12/2019 14:21

I’ve been keeping a lot of things from my family and covering for him.

Please stop doing this, and tell your parents why you need to have think. You need some real life support here too.

I also think asking the GP about counselling is a smart move.

Now that it has 'clicked' it will be very difficult to 'unclick'.

l2222 · 10/12/2019 14:21

Wow, I'm shocked at how many people have responded to this encouraging you to ditch him knowing pretty much zero about your relationship, your kids, your life!

Firstly, I'm sorry you've had to go through a miscarriage and yes, his behaviour is unacceptable and anyone in your situation would be upset / angry.

I get it that sometimes you need a sounding board in these situations and I'm totally not condoning your husband's behaviour in the slightest, but relationships loose their way sometimes and people do mess up (sometimes monumentally!). But my view is if there are 3 kids involved you should do everything in your power to try to talk through and resolve your issues. I imagine with 3 kids you don't get much time, if any, to actually talk so perhaps schedule in some sessions in both of your diaries to do this. If there's already resentment in the relationship then a few sessions with a relationship councillor will probably be really helpful.

I've had a miscarriage and also know that your hormones will be all over the place for a while. Perhaps its worth highlighting that with your husband and giving yourself some time to recover before getting into any heavy discussion. In the meantime, if you need to get things off your chest I've found a really good technique is to write a letter explaining how you feel, then leave it for a few days and read again. If all the things you wrote still seem as important as they first did give it to him and ask him to reply. Sometimes not having the face to face confrontation can help.

mencken · 10/12/2019 14:25

obviously up to the OP, but the drip feed is that this is the last straw from a man who has checked out of a marriage.

what a cold-hearted thing to do, whether or not the baby was wanted. I wish you the best, OP.

JaneyJimplin · 10/12/2019 14:25

Wow, he's cold. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Has he been any comfort at all since?

Crazyoldmaurice · 10/12/2019 14:27

OP you deserve so so much better than that! Makes me so sad to think of someone going through all of that alone whilst their OH doesnt give a flying fig.

I'm going to echo what everyone else has said by saying it does sound like he has been checking out for a long time, this is the straw that broke the camels back.

Get rid of him. Find a relationship with a man who can spare an ounce of compassion. I cant quite believe he was off out playing rugby whilst you had a baby in the NICU.

I've had a MMC too and I cant imagine my OH wanting to be anywhere else than with me.

Ihavetoomanyfeelings · 10/12/2019 14:29

I'm thrilled your family live so close by! I completely empathise with you, it's a hard situation that is only made harder by you not having the proper support from your husband.

Leave him for your own and your children's happiness, you have family who love you close by who can help you. You won't be alone. He's already checked out of the relationship and today would be the straw that broke the camel's back for me! Nobody who loved and cared for you would abandon you for their mates after you begged them to come home on a day like today.

Please do not tolerate this any longer, you sound lovely and are definitely deserving of being away from him. Your children also deserve better. Separating will force him to get his arse in gear because he'll no longer have his skivvy there to do everything for him and cover for his bad behaviour, he'll also have to put in some effort if he wants to see his kids.

As harsh as it sounds, he doesn't love you. Allow yourself to be surrounded by the love and support of your family and friends and in the future you may find someone who actually does love you and is a decent human being. I have a feeling you already know the right thing to do here though, you've realised that he hasn't been right with you for many years now and you are a superstar who deserves endless respect and love for raising your family with that lump beside you Flowers

81Byerley · 10/12/2019 14:55

Who are the people who voted YABU???

Nanny0gg · 10/12/2019 15:03

@l2222

Did you read the updates?

selmabear · 10/12/2019 15:14

I'm sorry for your loss OP. Your H is a twat and a selfish one at that. I think you need an honest conversation with your him and see if things will change or not. Good luck OP

girlanonymous · 10/12/2019 15:17

He's a selfish bastard.

But divorce is serious. You've said he's let you down before, and in this case not been there when you needed him most. It's difficult. You both need to sit down and he needs to know exactly how you feel.

OlaEliza · 10/12/2019 15:17

Flowers sorry for your loss op.

chloxox08 · 10/12/2019 15:26

Your brother is a sweetheart🥺

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