To think DH’s income belongs to us both?

[Illeana]

I’m a SAH (we can’t afford childcare, I’ll be returning to work when DC goes to nursery). DH (father of DC) works and supports us. I have no income other than DH’s salary.

I bought DH a birthday present, then he was really horrible to me and I snapped at him, you don’t deserve me to buy you a present when you’re so nasty. He lost his temper and said you didn’t buy it anyway, I DID BECAUSE YOU PAID ON MY CREDIT CARD.

AIBU to think it’s OUR money and OUR credit card? I’ve told him he won’t be getting a Christmas present because I apparently have no money to buy it with.

This is ridulculous and he is at the far end of a scale and needs to change. However it is common for men to feel like this and they usually hide it. In practical terms it is not nice for you to have to buy pesents from "his " account. The inheritance remark was totally out of order. This needs a calm unemotional conversation and a compromise situation. Our solution 30 years ago was that he paid a certain amount of "our" money (needs emphasis) into my personal account and this would be for presents, non household spending, sometimes things for the children, but was entirely in my control. It doesnt feel quite the same as earning your own money but it certainly helps

Apologies,only read front page,when you say your on the mortgage,are you also on the land registry??

In practical terms it is not nice for you to have to buy pesents from "his " account
Then what am I supposed to buy presents from? (or buy anything else from)? Since “his” account is our only income.

when you say your on the mortgage,are you also on the land registry
Yes. We bought the house jointly before we had DC.

Is this a one off for him to talk like this?

It’s a joint credit card

But he has to pay it because you don't earn and he knows that.

So you’re basically saying that all the money he earns is his? While I stay at home and do childcare for free?

They are your children though, so it's not really doing it for free. You could tell him what half of the childcare costs would be and ask for that money, but then he could equally request a contribution towards the bills. How would that leave you financially?

I think you should have a certain amount of money that is yours to spend as you wish. Your arrangement works for some and not for all couples.

If a couple are going to have this arrangement, it should be discussed before kids come on the scene. Before marriage even. Then everyone knows where they stand.

I find finances have been the biggest source of conflict in my marriage and thats why being a SAHP just wouldn't work for me. My DH holds onto money too much and our attitudes on spending differ greatly.

I need to earn my own money....so I don't take the kind of comment you received and I don't want even purchase I make scrutinised.

You can view the money as joint...
But his earnings are his from the viewpoint of his employer who pays him.

They would never discuss his salary with you no matter how joint you consider it.

*I hope you had something drawn up to reflect that you paid half the mortgage off with your inheritance otherwise he’ll be entitled to half the equity
That’s one of the reasons I can’t leave. I thought anything I inherited while married was half his anyway, so I just paid it off the house. *

Jesus!

Get that changed now to reflect your financial input into the property

Please don't use it as an excuse not to
Leave him. It's an easy amendment to have made and then you're covered

OP is this an ongoing argument or are you just pissed off with one comment he made in one argument?

Your OP read like the latter but you're incredibly defensive so I can't imagine this is an isolated incident.

@GiveHerHellFromUs if you read all the OP’s post and not just the first one, it’s clear that this isn’t a one off, off the cuff comment.

I really don't get how a ft income can be as much as nursery cost for one child. NMW ft is over £1,200. Where does the average non private nursery costs for one child?

Really, it sounds like you want to be a sham and from the arguments you seem to be having, it raises the question as to whether your husband is happy with that choice. maybe he would prefer if you were at work?

I agree with your DH but thats because I always worked when having kids so I earned my own money.

@Ellisandra no it's not clear. Which is why I asked.

It's clear OP is bothered by the situation but it's not clear whether DH is.

@Dontdisturbmenow agreed. Our nursery is £750 a month full time.
People will argue travel costs make a difference but they still don't make that much difference.

I really don't get how a ft income can be as much as nursery cost for one child. NMW ft is over £1,200. Where does the average non private nursery costs for one child?

well in London I was paying £1,800...

Because I'd spend too much, we have separate bank accounts, but it's definitely our money.

We have separate accounts into which our respective incomes are paid, but we have a joint account for bills and have had since we bought a house together. We pay into the joint account in proportion with our incomes, so when I was the main breadwinner I paid more, in my last job we earned the same and paid the same in, and now I work freelance so my income fluctuates so DH pays more in. Once the joint account is "fueled", we can spend the rest of our income the way we like.

It's fair, it allows us our own spending money and we can buy each other's presents from our own money.

And nursery/childcare bills were always paid from the joint account, never from mine, or DH's. Any joint bills go from the joint account except for a couple for historical reasons, DH pays the TV licence and AA membership, and I pay for his mobile!

If you are a SAHM and your husband earns all the money you need a joint account that he pays enough into to cover the bills and provide spending money for you as well. I would make sure I claimed the child benefit and that it went into my own solely held account, even if he has to pay tax on it. That gives you a tiny income of your own as well as keeping your NI contributions going.

I really don't get how a ft income can be as much as nursery cost for one child. NMW ft is over £1,200
So I earn £1200 after tax. Nursery is £800. Petrol and parking is £200. That only leaves our family £200 a month better off. Would you inconvenience yourself and put your DC in care to earn a tenner a day? Less than that in fact, because there’s also increased insurance and wear and tear on my car, work clothing, the occasional coffee or lunch, probably a work Christmas party, being asked to contribute a tenner towards a gift for someone, maybe paying someone to do jobs I currently do such as grooming the dog or mowing the lawn... it all adds up.

JMAngel1
I really liked it , I wonder if it was the male doctor or it could of been the female doctor, I like that we get to decide.

In a split you would get the house because you can prove you've paid outright for half of it

You didn't earn it? Really?

He is a nasty childish bully.

Find out the going rate for a daily cleaner, personal chef and the cost of 24 hr childcare and present him with a weekly bill.

Cunt. LTB.

You can't be going back on minimum wage as you suggested OP, your job is not paid at that level. I would say if it works out almost the same then spending the time with your dc is more important - BUT your husband is behaving very poorly (the babysitting stuff as much as the money stuff) and in that situation I would be very careful about being entirely beholden to him. Even part time work would keep your foot in, and give you a potential way out should the need arise.

You can't be going back on minimum wage as you suggested OP, your job is not paid at that level
£15 per hour for teaching, but I’m expected to prepare and mark unpaid in my own time. So you might as well half my salary once you factor in the unpaid hours (for which I’d still need childcare). It’s actually less than minimum wage and that’s why I’m not going back.

Find out the going rate for a daily cleaner, personal chef and the cost of 24 hr childcare and present him with a weekly bill.
And then pay half of that bill for yourself and kid out of the nothing you are contributing financially.

So I earn £1200 after tax. Nursery is £800. Petrol and parking is £200. That only leaves our family £200 a month better off.
I did it for about £50 months for 4 years (2 DC). At least noone was able to tell me I was living of his money.

And it's not you who only earns £200/months. childcare is a joint expense.

The more you talk about him the more awful he sounds. Please don’t have any more kids with him. I’ve been a sahm for nearly 9 years now but we have two children with Sen. Money is joint as one of us has to work and my husband preferred to work. I would consider going back to work or even possibly leaving. Your husband doesn’t sound like he’s at all bothered by his responsibilities and sounds like he’d rather be a single man.

You need to go back to work. He is not to be relied on, so you need a job so that you can support yourself and your dc. What job do you want to pursue, if not FE teaching again? Would you want to teach secondary or primary? Something different?

He sounds like a twat, OP.

But you're making the choice to be completely dependent upon him, rather than because there's no option. Do so at your peril.

Would you inconvenience yourself...

Yes. I would, and I did.