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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH’s income belongs to us both?

314 replies

Illeana · 09/12/2019 10:39

I’m a SAH (we can’t afford childcare, I’ll be returning to work when DC goes to nursery). DH (father of DC) works and supports us. I have no income other than DH’s salary.

I bought DH a birthday present, then he was really horrible to me and I snapped at him, you don’t deserve me to buy you a present when you’re so nasty. He lost his temper and said you didn’t buy it anyway, I DID BECAUSE YOU PAID ON MY CREDIT CARD.

AIBU to think it’s OUR money and OUR credit card? I’ve told him he won’t be getting a Christmas present because I apparently have no money to buy it with.

OP posts:
Goldenchildsmum · 11/12/2019 07:45

So I earn £1200 after tax. Nursery is £800. Petrol and parking is £200. That only leaves our family £200 a month better off

No ....nursery is paid pro rata. So if your husband earns a lot more than you, you pay £100 of the nursery fees and he pays £700 (for example).

So you have £900 each month that you can put into your own bank account and save up for when you leave him

When you leave him he will be much worse off because on top of paying nursery fees he'll have to pay child maintenance and spousal maintenance and so on

Grin
Lipperfromchipper · 11/12/2019 07:52

But OP the financial hit is only for a few years or so and then you have a job which hopefully has an increasing salary!! You also won’t need childcare term time so you are not paying all year!!

Original poster
Illeana · 11/12/2019 08:55

childcare is a joint expense
It makes no difference whether you see it as me paying £800 childcare and having £200 left to put in the family pot. Or whether you see it as both of us paying £400 each, so I have £600 to put in the pot and DH has £400 less than usual. The amount in the pot is the same and is still only £200 greater than it is if I don’t work.

But OP the financial hit is only for a few years or so and then you have a job which hopefully has an increasing salary!!
Not if I go back to my previous career which has no prospects because salaries are being repeatedly cut. I would need to retrain and start from the bottom in a different career. And it would have to be a “career” - it’s no good getting just a “job” where the salary doesn’t increase. I doubt I could just walk into a new career with no training.

OP posts:
aveenos · 11/12/2019 09:04

The amount in the pot is the same and is still only £200 greater than it is if I don’t work.

but you would not be put of pocket and even earn (many work for nothing or even at a cost in the early years).

I guess you actually don't want to work. Making only £200 is just an excuse...

Sandals19 · 11/12/2019 09:05

Of course when I point this out he says it doesn’t count because I haven’t earned that money.

Still happy to take it and make use of it to benefit himself re. lower mortgage though, wasn't he.

DowntownAbby · 11/12/2019 09:09

I guess you actually don't want to work. Making only £200 is just an excuse...

This.

It's very clear you don't want to work but also don't want to say so.

Therefore you have to accept you're putting yourself in a precarious situation, being totally dependent on a resentful partner.

Goldenchildsmum · 11/12/2019 09:13

It makes no difference whether you see it as me paying £800 childcare and having £200 left to put in the family pot. Or whether you see it as both of us paying £400 each, so I have £600 to put in the pot and DH has £400 less than usual. The amount in the pot is the same and is still only £200 greater than it is if I don’t work.

Are you deliberately missing the point? The point of you working isn't to fill the JOINT pot. The point of you working is to create your own pot of money.

If your husband insists on calling the joint money his money because he earns it, then get some self respect and earn some money of your own

Why did you actually start the thread?

Was it just to whinge with no desire to create a better life for yourself?

MarshaBradyo · 11/12/2019 09:14

You are in a difficult position but what would you like to do. You don’t want to work which is fine but he’s not sounding supportive.

Unless it was just a one off comment (responding childishly to one of the same). Or he really has those views in which case what could put you in a better position.

KaptenKrusty · 11/12/2019 09:30

Sounds like you are making excuses to not work - £200 is a lot of extra money a month tbh!

noshoesnoshirt · 11/12/2019 09:31

Your husband sounds awful @Illeana Confused

My DH and I share all income/expenses. We get paid in to our separate accounts but then basically put all money in to the joint account and pay everything from that.

But for example, this week was DH's birthday. I haven't been paid yet, so essentially I bought his birthday present with "his" money Grin but in reality, it's OUR money! It's the thought that counts anyways! Giving a birthday present is just a kind of novelty thing (for us anyways).

If I want to buy him a present, I just transfer money back to my personal account from the joint account, just so he doesn't see the online receipt and spoil the surprise.

What I'm trying to get at is, your DH sounds financially abusive! Awful Sad

There has been times where I have not earned (for example not being permanent, so not entitled to Christmas holiday pay), and DH would NEVER throw that in my face! I feel so sad for you that your DH considers it "his" money Sad healthy relationships are NOT like that!!!!!

Best of luck to you Thanks

Chocmallows · 11/12/2019 09:32

Rather than pay half the mortgage you could have kept money to cover your maternity leave as this was your money, but you have significantly saved on interest payments by doing things this way. Martin Lewis has an early payment mortgage calculator that may help you to show him the full value of your contribution.

I can also see the sense in taking a break due to childcare costs vs. your wages, although in my situation I have always worked PT after having DC.

The problem is that you cannot draw upon the equity in the house or magic up a higher wage opportunity and he cannot see your value as a SAHM. Could you set up a standing order from the joint to your own account to at least have a monthly amount that is just yours? Does he have an amount that is just his?

noshoesnoshirt · 11/12/2019 09:35

Also, the fact he won't look after his own child is appalling! I could never be with someone like that! It speaks volumes about what type of person he is!

Hopefully you two can have a proper chat and resolve some issues, but to be honest- Get your ducks in a row just in case!

Original poster
Illeana · 11/12/2019 09:40

£200 is a lot. It’s probably closer to £100 once you factor in the other things I mentioned such as increased car insurance, work clothes and other expenses of working. We might end up £1500 a year better off. But we can recoup that amount by just not having a summer holiday. A year-round SAHM is a much greater benefit to DC than two weeks in Greece would be.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 11/12/2019 09:42

Well nothing will change then so he’ll continue to see it as his money and you won’t work. That’s fine, it’s your choice.

Original poster
Illeana · 11/12/2019 09:45

Does he have an amount that is just his?
No. We both just spend out of the pot as necessary. We’d tell the other person if we intended to buy any unnecessary luxuries. Not that we do that very often.

OP posts:
Original poster
Illeana · 11/12/2019 09:50

You don’t want to work which is fine but he’s not sounding supportive
He’s absolutely supportive of me being at home for DC and facilitating his lifestyle and business trips so he can come and go as necessary. I’ve mentioned returning to work and he’s adamant that I’m needed at home and won’t earn enough to make working worthwhile. But then he whinges that he’s paying for everything and says all the money is his.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 11/12/2019 09:53

Ok that is very annoying. Next time he whinges say ok I’ll work then. Try to close off his comments until he stops. I dunno it’d drive me nuts and I’d have to point out he is benefitting and knows it.

Original poster
Illeana · 11/12/2019 09:54

I actually think he’s angry that I won’t earn enough to make working worthwhile. He appreciates the logic of a low earner not working when childcare eats up their wages. But he’s angry that I’m in that situation. He’d like me to be like his female colleagues who work part time and earn £30k.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 11/12/2019 10:02

I'm sorry but if you can afford to just pay for whatever you want (within reason) without having to discuss it, you can afford childcare.

You're making excuses with the increased insurance etc etc.
Insurance with commuting as well as social will make about £20 a year difference.
Work clothes - buy a couple of pairs of trousers/skirts and 5 tops, then buy bits and pieces as and when.

You could even go back part time if you wanted to.
Or get an evening job to work round DH and he'll just have to do bath and bedtime and give up his hobby.

There are a million ways you can earn, you're just upset that he doesn't want you to take the piss.

You still never actually answered whether this was an isolated incident on his part.

doodleygirl · 11/12/2019 10:07

I would have thought that now is the perfect time to look at retraining. Your DC wont be this little for very long and you are leaving yourself very vulnerable. It also might be worth understanding how finances are legally split in the case of divorce as you dont seem to have any knowledge of this. Investing your inheritance without legal proof it was yours was very foolhardy. If your DH is starting to act like a prick and comparing you and your family set up to others its time to start thinking wisely.

TatianaLarina · 11/12/2019 10:08

@GiveHerHellFromUs

Or get an evening job to work round DH and he'll just have to do bath and bedtime and give up his hobby.

Which he doesn’t want to do if you read the thread.

MintyMabel · 11/12/2019 10:11

Writing as the earning husband of a SAHW

Stop everyone stop. The man has spoken. No need for further opinions.

gypsywater · 11/12/2019 10:12

Why are so many women still earning so much less than their husbands?!

MarshaBradyo · 11/12/2019 10:18

Well he knew what you did as a job so it’s wrong to then get angry about it. He can help you retrain if you both want that.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 11/12/2019 10:19

@TatianaLarina tough shit isn't it? OP is literally dancing to his tune then moaning about it.