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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH’s income belongs to us both?

314 replies

Illeana · 09/12/2019 10:39

I’m a SAH (we can’t afford childcare, I’ll be returning to work when DC goes to nursery). DH (father of DC) works and supports us. I have no income other than DH’s salary.

I bought DH a birthday present, then he was really horrible to me and I snapped at him, you don’t deserve me to buy you a present when you’re so nasty. He lost his temper and said you didn’t buy it anyway, I DID BECAUSE YOU PAID ON MY CREDIT CARD.

AIBU to think it’s OUR money and OUR credit card? I’ve told him he won’t be getting a Christmas present because I apparently have no money to buy it with.

OP posts:
Goldenchildsmum · 10/12/2019 09:01

Im on the mortgage. I’ve already paid off my half of the house with inheritance. So if he wants to look at it that way, the mortgage is solely his. Of course when I point this out he says it doesn’t count because I haven’t earned that money.

I hope you have taken legal advice about this. If you've put £X000.00 into the property but it's not legally documented then you're a fool

SandyY2K · 10/12/2019 09:10

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To think DH’s income belongs to us both?169
Yesterday 10:39Illeana

I’m a SAH (we can’t afford childcare, I’ll be returning to work when DC goes to nursery). DH (father of DC) works and supports us. I have no income other than DH’s salary.

I bought DH a birthday present, then he was really horrible to me and I snapped at him, you don’t deserve me to buy you a present when you’re so nasty. He lost his temper and said you didn’t buy it anyway, I DID BECAUSE YOU PAID ON MY CREDIT CARD.

AIBU to think it’s OUR money and OUR credit card? I’ve told him he won’t be getting a Christmas present because I apparently have no money to buy it with.

Watch
There is no point telling the OP to just go back to work - she has clearly said they can’t afford it, so her earning power must be less than the cost of childcare.

Exactly.

If she returns to work on a low wage job, having enrolled DC in nursery or with a childminder, she has to pay for it.

She cannot force him to pay.

She cannot tell him to stay home while she works, because she can't earn enough to support the household or meet the bills.

Tbh... I kind of agree that if I was paying the credit card bill, that I've essentially paid for my own gift.

This is why I could never be SAHP. My stint on maternity leave was enough to tell me I couldn't depend on him for my every financial need.

Dependency situations give rise to contempt.

Incidentally I recall a friend saying her DH said this too. She bought him a gift and he said, stop buying things for me, with my money that I can't afford.

SandyY2K · 10/12/2019 09:12

Sorry
^ Start reading from the bold

LesLavandes · 10/12/2019 09:25

I was married to one of those. Now we're happily divorced

HappydaysArehere · 10/12/2019 09:28

Years ago when I was in your position my dh used to give me some money which he said was mine to spend as I wished. It wasn’t a very large amount but he insisted it was separate from everything else. That allowed me to buy him a present or do anything else without the feeling that he was buying his own present. I also fiddled the housekeeping money by going on economy drives in that I cooked cheaper recipes etc for a few periods here and there and put change in a box supplied by the bank called a thrifty saver which they unlocked regularly and put into a Thrifty account. Perhaps you could save change in a jar. It sounds little but it mounts up. It’s just a difficult period when you are at home with young children but it won’t last. They grow older and you can gain your financial independence.

G5000 · 10/12/2019 09:33

But OP is at home taking care of their child. Why would she have to save pennies, when they don't need to and DH is earning a sufficient income for the family?

QuarterMileAtATime · 10/12/2019 09:42

Another who was married to one of those and now divorced and with a wonderfully evolved and enlightened man.
I did work from home and do all of the childcare while he was working away most of the week but it still didn’t count to him. He still gripes about paying CMS but only has the DC 3 or 4 nights a month because he is Very Important and Busy.
Nothing could make him see reason or value my contribution unfortunately.

choli · 10/12/2019 09:48

He needs to see that whilst the money he brings in is terribly important, it only happens because you enable it, and you have directly and indirectly contributed to an improved overall financial and quality of life situation for the whole family just as much as his salary has.
Seriously? Who enables single parents to work? Yet they manage it, as do families with two working parents. This "enabling" the working partner to work is such bullshit.

Original poster
Illeana · 10/12/2019 09:58

So you can afford to work, but decided not to? Lots of women, remain in work though it costa the same as childcare. They do it because, career wise its better in the long run
Taking the five years before I became a SAHM as an example - I was in the same career and my salary actually went down, not up. Going back to work and paying nursery won’t benefit my career in the long run. I’ll be in the same position regardless of whether I go back now or in 3-4 years time. So it seems pointless to work for no benefit when I can be at home with DC instead.

I do kind of agree with him that the credit card is his, in his name
It’s a joint credit card, the bill is paid out of DH’s earnings which I’d regard as joint. I use it for everything from groceries to petrol. I don’t have a debit card.

OP posts:
Original poster
Illeana · 10/12/2019 10:01

Tbh... I kind of agree that if I was paying the credit card bill, that I've essentially paid for my own gift
So you’re basically saying that all the money he earns is his? While I stay at home and do childcare for free? Imo his salary (which is what pays the credit card bill) is joint money.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 10/12/2019 10:07

Seriously? Who enables single parents to work? Yet they manage it, as do families with two working parents. This "enabling" the working partner to work is such bullshit.

Single parents have to take jobs that combine with childcare and have some flexibility if a child is sick. Unless they have a cast iron support network or can afford a nanny. (Nurseries won’t take children when there’re sick).

If DH was a single parent his life would be very different. Would he be able to continue in a job which allows no flexibility over childcare? (Is that even true or is he just not prepared to do it). He wouldn’t be able to do all the work functions, drinks after work, football with mates etc.

choli · 10/12/2019 10:08

Taking the five years before I became a SAHM as an example - I was in the same career and my salary actually went down, not up.
That's unusual. Why was it? And what are you doing now to ensure that won't be the case when you do return to work?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/12/2019 10:08

Is your name on the credit card?

choli · 10/12/2019 10:13

He wouldn’t be able to do all the work functions, drinks after work, football with mates etc.
That would not prevent him from working. He doesn't need the OP to enable him to work. He can hire childcare if he wants to go out with his mates, just as other people do. The OP is not doing anything that could not be replaced by hired help.

MarshaBradyo · 10/12/2019 10:17

I understand the it doesn’t feel worth it argument but on the flexibility one if you go with a nanny it’s easier. Neither of you have to do the rush home.

Not saying anyone should work etc

itsnotthatserious · 10/12/2019 10:18

The OP is not doing anything that could not be replaced by hired help.

Well he can pay her then.

TatianaLarina · 10/12/2019 10:22

That would not prevent him from working. He doesn't need the OP to enable him to work. He can hire childcare if he wants to go out with his mates, just as other people do.

Of course he can but he won’t. Cf page 2:

I’ve tried saying I’m returning to work and he’ll have to take responsibility for childcare half of the week. He says he can’t possibly because he has no flexibility at work, he’s out till 7pm every night. And it’s stupid to reduce his well paid hours just so I can go out and earn min wage.

We could certainly afford childcare, it would just leave us worse off. Of course then DH couldn’t just unilaterally agree to all business trips and working late and going out to play football on whatever random night his mates suggest it. Because we’d have a schedule and I wouldn’t be there to provide flexibility.

choli · 10/12/2019 10:23

Well he can pay her then.
He's doing that by paying the bills and giving her access to the joint finances as shown by the fact she was in a position to buy him a gift.

Lanurk · 10/12/2019 10:25

Just to say, yanbu but it sounds like an allowance or something needs to be agreed so you have your own money. It’s soul destroying otherwise.

Also, if it get too much and you decide to leave I hope you had something drawn up to reflect that you paid half the mortgage off with your inheritance otherwise he’ll be entitled to half the equity x

WhyOhWine · 10/12/2019 10:43

DH is a SAHP and I WOH. DC are secondary school age. We don't have a joint account but that is his choice (it dates back to when we both worked and had sufficient spending money each after bills). I was higher earner so the childcare and most of the bills came out of my account. Since he stopped working i did offer to set up a joint account but he has refused so i make a monthly payment into his account. He also has a credit card in his name which i pay. When he buys me birthday and Christmas presents i really don't think of it as me paying for my own present. He does think of it as my money though as he is reluctant for example to spend a lot of money on clothes, even though he has sufficient.
However, even though i think of the money i trasnfer to him as being his money (and would be happy to transfer him more) I don't think of all my earnings as being jointly his money. If we ever get divorced for example I would not expect to be paying him spousal maintenance as he could work and earn about the amount i transfer to him, although do think of our assets as half his.

Dumakey · 10/12/2019 10:56

This situation won't change or improve Op, you clearly don't want to go back to work and although you'd like his salary to be viewed as family money, he actually views it as his. This will not be the last time you have this type of argument.

Shinnoo · 10/12/2019 11:01

He sounds like a prick.

It's family money, as is the money you used to pay of half of your joint mortgage.

If you're generally incompatible and issues like presents and what they represent come up over and over again you really have to think about separating at some point.

Three pillars of a good marriage-
Satisfying communication
Same page about money
Decent sex

KatharinaRosalie · 10/12/2019 11:02

If you're stuck in no opportunities NMW job, can you do something about that? Because you know what will happen when you go back - your DH will declare that you are both working, money belongs to the one who earned it. But of course he can't be expected to do any childcare, because his job is so much more important. So you will end up doing all that and earning several times less than him, while he concentrates on his career, and keeps all his earnings.

SunshineAngel · 10/12/2019 11:03

It would scare me to not have any money of my own. It really would.

I do work, but I actually look after my partner's card, as I'm the one who does the shopping etc - so he just tells me to take it and spend what I want, so long as the funds are available.

I have my own money, but we both use whichever account has the most at the time. I think that's the way it should be. We don't have a specified "joint" account, but we don't need one.

Original poster
Illeana · 10/12/2019 11:11

Why was it? And what are you doing now to ensure that won't be the case when you do return to work?
I taught in the FE sector which has experienced massive budget cuts. Teacher salaries were cut by 25% and converted to term time only, so in real terms that’s a 50% drop in income. I won’t be going back for that reason but it’s impossible to make alternative plans when I’m doing childcare round the clock.

I hope you had something drawn up to reflect that you paid half the mortgage off with your inheritance otherwise he’ll be entitled to half the equity
That’s one of the reasons I can’t leave. I thought anything I inherited while married was half his anyway, so I just paid it off the house.

He can hire childcare if he wants to go out with his mates
This is my concern. I don’t want to leave DC with randoms, especially because in the evening/weekend it won’t be proper nursery with qualified carers. If I get an evening job DH won’t stay home if he has something planned, he’ll just hire childcare and god knows who DC will get dumped with. Last time I went out in the evening and DH was whinging about staying home, after I left he dumped DC with my 78yo mother so he could go out. And one Saturday afternoon he didn’t want to miss his art club so he took our 1yo with him and just let him be passed around from person to person all afternoon, they were all strangers to DC.

OP posts: