To think DH’s income belongs to us both?

[Illeana]

I’m a SAH (we can’t afford childcare, I’ll be returning to work when DC goes to nursery). DH (father of DC) works and supports us. I have no income other than DH’s salary.

I bought DH a birthday present, then he was really horrible to me and I snapped at him, you don’t deserve me to buy you a present when you’re so nasty. He lost his temper and said you didn’t buy it anyway, I DID BECAUSE YOU PAID ON MY CREDIT CARD.

AIBU to think it’s OUR money and OUR credit card? I’ve told him he won’t be getting a Christmas present because I apparently have no money to buy it with.

Whatever she does she will be in the wrong.

If she stays at home he lords it over her that he’s the one earning the money. If she insists on going back to work for very little income after childcare and expenses - he will be furious that his work and leisure activities are impacted and he might actually have to do some childcare. If she wants to retrain he will have to pay as she currently has no income - that will be used against her too.

With a DH with his mentality there is no right answer.

So he wants you to stay at home

And he calls the joint money HIS money

And you won't do anything about it

I'd start referring to DC as MY child if I were you

But let's be honest - you don't want advice

You just want to moan and do nothing about it

Crack on with retraining then. Set yourself up for a career that pays more. Do it now. You need to prepare yourself for the workforce.

You want to be a SAHM. I get that. But he doesn't want that. He wants you out working and making more money than you did, in a job that won't mean he has to be involved with bringing up his kids.

You see where this situation is heading, right? The Titanic is heading for the iceberg, OP. Build yourself a damn lifeboat.

You want to be a SAHM. I get that. But he doesn't want that. He wants you out working and making more money than you did, in a job that won't mean he has to be involved with bringing up his kids.

Erm that’s exactly what he wants if you read the thread.

Put it the other way - he wants her to be a SAHM, so he does not have to put any effort in re: house and DC. But he also considers all the income the family has HIS income.

I wonder how he thinks this should work.

He sounds awful OP.

Not someone I'd want to be having any more children with.

If I were you, I would have a hard think about your future.

Because he sounds like just the sort to leave you high and dry when someone he prefers comes along.

He certainly doesn't respect you, or what you are doing.
You are a drain to him.

I would get legal advice re your inheritance and I would prepare for the worst.

Whether you tell him you are on contraception or not.

I would not be making myself any more vulnerable than you already are.

Also the advice to retrain is so wise.

It's a pity you can't see that wisdom.

He's no prize, that's for sure.
💐

With a DH with his mentality there is no right answer. that is true.

I’m a SAHM with a DH like this, and the stock answer is often to retrain and get a job. However this does not necessarily solve the problem. Her DH will more than likely put pressure on her to cover childcare, and be even more ‘your earnings = your money, my earnings = my money’, and then when the divorce is in the cards when she gets fed up he won’t have to pay as much maintenance and will have a strong case for 50/50 and not pay at all. In the meantime he will be spending his own money how he wants.

OP I think you need to stick to what you want and think is best for you and the kids. You are married so at least you have protection. In your shoes I’d see a really good solicitor now. Ask her advice and then ask her what might happen in different future scenarios. You don’t have to divorce now if you don’t want to, but you will have a much stronger confidence in yourself once you know your legal position.

Op you clearly don’t want to work. Ima single mum and I work a full time professional job. It’s hard work but my ex lives at the other end of the country and no one is enabling me. You are right to ask for him to do his fair share re childcare but he is also right enough to ask you to do your fair share re the finances.

What an asshat. I earn a lot more money than my wife but I never consider it as my money. We are married it is our money. But obviously other people will have different opinions

Urghhh he sounds awful! And a cf to boot. Start by writing out how much childcare and housekeeping would cost him and then tell him you'll start charging him and he can transfer the amount to your bank account

Plus you saying he didn't deserve a present isn't always about the cost of it, you went to the trouble of thinking about it and getting it for him. The cost is only a small part of giving a gift

Urgh this would piss me off. I'd get the price of full time childcare from somewhere and then draw up an invoice for the same amount. I'd also include a list of all the additional childcare costs for food, clothes etc. and add a charge for 50% of that. That ought to hammer the point home that just because your not bringing in actual money does not mean your not adding value to the family income.

@zsazsajuju

Don't be daft. OP can't just decide which job to get she'd need to be accepted for the role. If she can't command a salary which would cover childcare then working would leave her family out of pocket. They can't afford that.

@HardofCleaning - op has already advised us that she would be in profit after childcare if she got an entry level job so clearly they can afford it. She didn’t think it would be worth it though as she didn’t want to work.

For all the “dh couldn’t do his job without a SAHP enabling him” that’s simply not true. Many women work long hours in professional jobs who don’t have a sahp. We do need better working patterns but part of that is stopping men making excuses that they can’t do any Childcare or housework because of their job. They have been getting away with that for too long (at least many have).

@storm - isn’t op responsible for half the household costs? And half the childcare costs too? How is she paying that?

Some couples have the most bizarre ideas and attitudes when it comes to household incomes. In our household, my husband and I have a joint account. We also have individual accounts. Everything is pooled in the joint account. We have individual accounts where we use them for Kindle books, PayPal, apple music, Amazon Prime. We find it better to do things that way as with all the scams, hacking incidents it means there's little chance of our main account being targeted.

Have you thought about having a meeting with an IFA about life insurance. You can pander to his ego by saying that you need to be covered for the worst case scenario of the loss of his all important all singing all dancing salary should something happen to him. At the same time you want to protect Mr Important from losing out on his precious social life and big important job if something were to happen to you. Therefore the IFA should be asked to calculate the level of insurance needed to cover the costs of a 24/7 nanny and a housekeeper. Your not so DH will get a shock as the cost of covering what you provide is likely to be more than he earns....

Might teach him a little respect.

@Londonmummy66

*“ Therefore the IFA should be asked to calculate the level of insurance needed to cover the costs of a 24/7 nanny and a housekeeper. Your not so DH will get a shock as the cost of covering what you provide is likely to be more than he earns....

Might teach him a little respect.”*

People always say this, but it earns contempt instead. The OP isn’t a qualified childminder or housekeeper, so wouldn’t command the same sort of rate that they would. And presenting it like that comes across as “I stayed in the house when the DC was sick and administered the medicine, therefore I am the equivalent of a medical care professional”.

OP has said she doesn’t want to work earlier in the thread, seeing that one’s own kids are taken care of is part and parcel of having kids, but OP is contributing nothing, nothing financially to their family, but wants to claim to be an equal partner when it comes to finances.

She’d be rained on and starve if her partner cut off what he contributes, he’d have to divert some of the money he earns to care for his child while he’s at work if she cut off her contribution. That’s definitely not two people contributing fairly.

@Pretzelcoatl - OP is contributing nothing, nothing financially to their family, but wants to claim to be an equal partner when it comes to finances.

She’d be rained on and starve if her partner cut off what he contributes, he’d have to divert some of the money he earns to care for his child while he’s at work if she cut off her contribution. That’s definitely not two people contributing fairly.

I take it you are the OP's husband as no one else would be that dumb. OP doesn't have to be a professional childminder/housekeeper but if she wasn't there her husband (you??) would have to pay one therefore that is in fact what she is worth to him.

I can't decide if you are being deliberately obtuse or are just really thick with your last post

@Londonmummy66

“ I take it you are the OP's husband as no one else would be that dumb. OP doesn't have to be a professional childminder/housekeeper but if she wasn't there her husband (you??) would have to pay one therefore that is in fact what she is worth to him. “

No, a professional with training is worth more than what OP does, but let’s follow your reasoning - literally anybody could do what she does, therefore her DH could do it.

She, however, could not command the salary he does if she went back to work full time (she said this earlier in the thread). Therefore, for their family, her contribution can be duplicated and his cannot.

This wouldn’t be a problem if both of them were sanguine with the arrangements, but it seems that they are not. OP is contributing significantly less, but wants to be an equal. This would require her being given that equality, instead of earning it.

If this was flipped around, I’m pretty sure “cocklodger” would have been tossed out as a descriptor.

He's got a very odd way of justifying things. He sounds petty and idiotic op. Can you really reason with an idiot?

I really do believe (and I was in a similar situation myself many years ago, but husband wasn’t as horrible) that there should be a legal contract drawn up upon marriage to cover these circumstances.
I stayed at home until youngest went into primary school then did part time jobs, a previous pension from before marriage was not paid into, Ive only just scrapped together my required years for state pension (i think)
Women are severely disadvantaged by just wanting to bring their own children up for the first 5 years

Oh my God, he sounds horrendous, get a job, nurseries are open til 6, get your own money and independence.

It’s not just £200 a month OP, it’s your pension too, your independence and not ending up stuck in ten or fifteen years without any career in a miserable financially abusive marriage.

To be honest, I was fully on your side at the beginning of this thread, now not so much. You quite clearly don't want to work and that's where the problem lies in your relationship. He wants you to work and contribute financially (even if it is only a small contribution) and you've got 1001 excuses not to. That's obviously building resentment.

I don't like the way you keep trying to score points and bringing back up your inheritance, that's spent now so irrelevant. You make out it's all for him and you do it to facilitate his lifestyle, but it sounds to me like you jumped at the chance to not work, and now you don't want to go back.