To love husband more than our kids

[Singlemom82]

I had a discussion with someone last night about my husband and kids, I said I loved my husband more than my kids and I was made to feel like the worst mother ever.

My kids are hard work, the oldest one especially, he’s not the easiest child to be around. Sadly some days I just don’t enjoy being around him, he’s getting better as he’s getting older but there have been times when I’ve been a nervous wreck with his behaviour, the teachers struggle with him and so do my parents. I always enjoy being around my husband and he’s my soul mate gentle and kind.

Am I so awful for feeling like this? For the record my kids are loved, I’d die for them, they are well looked after and we do lots of nice things together as a family, they have lots of nice things.

^m* I fundamentally disagree

This thread is ridiculous because all of you who are saying that you aren’t sure or that you love them in different ways would probably be the people that at all told someone to put their child before a partner or husband in scenarios That many of us experience. And rightly so.

So you are contradicting yourselves because this is about ultimately about if the chips were down and you had to chose as many of us have to sadly who do you love more not is it in a different way. It is make a choice about who is more precious and how you cannot live without

Who not how bloody keyboard and sausage fingers

love is scary.and un explainable!and frigging weird.
having a mental health illness in the house.seeing them do thingsthey would think horrid and unimaginablehaving atched them do things and go through things too much to even speak of.yet still the love has neve ronce waved.not for a single moment.it hasnt even swept through our minds.
we know them and we know they are ill.but still the stuff weve gone through.but love is so bingind and as strong as ever.and to people on the outside of that if i wrote it down they woud think wtf.or even ive seen posts on ehre and people write get rid.or fuck that.but we love them so would never ever think those things.because you dont get it until you love someone.
love is just something remarkable.and different to all.but still bloody amazing if you ask me

and i think it is the most powerful thing in the world.
i can see you get through things you never thought possible both with someone and for someone.
it can bend anything and substain anything at times.
it can be a cure
it can hurt like nothing else'
when right it can be lifesaving.
in a family it is beautiful

I agree with above poster. I prefer spending time with my husband over my kids as mine are older and have no interest in spending time with their mum as its not cool... I love them the same as my husband just in different ways... But if it came down to it and I had to save my kids over my hubby... Kids would win every time

I used to feel the same OP (about my ex).

I really did adore him and the Gottman research agrees marriages are healthier and more intimate when you see the kids as visitors to your life but your partner as your teammate forever.

I'm always sad for people who feel their partners are second!

"marriages are healthier and more intimate when you see the kids as visitors to your life but your partner as your teammate forever."

I couldn't disagree more. There is nothing healthy or right in viewing your own children as "visitors". How awful.

Love a partner should be conditional, Love of a child should be unconditional. It's very difficult to compare the two.

Team mate fine if you want to use those words. The rest sounds the opposite of healthy. Cloying to the exclusion of dc as ‘visitors’.

You can't help how you feel, so no reason to feel guilty about it. Plenty of parents with one 'good' child and one 'naughty' child, will prefer the company and ease of the good one, it doesn't mean you love them more. Your DH is just your 'good' one 😀

Just make sure you don’t give them a bad v good role that means they behave even worse. Better to find the positive and work on that.

I think there is a lot of truth in the proverb ‘the children of lovers are orphans’. I’ve known a few couples who were so in love to the point of obsession that I don’t think they should have had children. Look at the way Queen Victoria and Prince Albert were. I think that is very unhealthy and cruel.

I’ve never seen my husbands as being for forever. They are there while we both want it, but if it stops working for either of us then, while it’s disappointing, it’s not the end of the world.

I don’t want my children to love me the way I love them either (at the moment they are small so I am their world, but as they grow they will naturally move away from me). I want them to leave home and have adventures and go days/weeks without thinking of me. Whereas I doubt I’ll go even hours without thinking of one of them for the rest of my life.

*Or your partner as your teammate for life? Surely, that ought to be reviewed every now and again?

No-one gets to assume I'll be their partner for life, unconditionally! It's subject to circumstances and change (and whether he becomes a twat with advancing years, for example)*

You must see that that is not how most people view monogamy. Loving someone whole heartedly is not being trapped, if we change our minds later on then we change our minds, but that doesn't mean we have to love our partners less in the present because we MIGHT change our minds later.

the Gottman research agrees marriages are healthier and more intimate when you see the kids as visitors to your life but your partner as your teammate forever.

Well fuck that. Visitors?? Visitors??? Jesus wept

I completely disagree. In fact for me it’s not even close.

I adore, absolutely and completely, adore my husband. He’s amazing, kind, funny. But I wouldn’t hesitate for a second if I had to choose between my children or him. They would always be first, and vice versa. I could with complete confidence say that with a gun to my head forced to choose, I would always, always choose my children.

Loving someone whole heartedly is not being trapped, if we change our minds later on then we change our minds

That isn't unconditional love though.

Unconditional love is when there would be no circumstances where you would change your mind.

People divorce and fall out of love and we consider it part of the normal ups and downs of life. The same is not true of break downs in the parent/child relationship.

Yup not comparable and doesn't need to be.

I love my kids in a primal way, and they need me. In a life threatened situation of course I'd chose them.

But I chose my husband and that's powerful, I chose him for his awesome qualities above thousands of others. He's very amazing.

*That isn't unconditional love though.

Unconditional love is when there would be no circumstances where you would change your mind.

People divorce and fall out of love and we consider it part of the normal ups and downs of life. The same is not true of break downs in the parent/child relationship.*

Yes but unconditional does not = stronger or more.

I'm aware that there's more of a chance I will have my daughter in my life for longer than my partner, but that doesn't mean I have to love him less in the present where we fully intend to stay together for the rest of our lives. We might break up but we don't intend to.

My parents were like this all my life. It sucks from a child's point of view.

I don’t think you can compare the love for your children and the love of your hubby. It’s a totally different kind of love. @fairynick I loved your post. You speak a lot of sense.

My parents were like this all my life. It sucks from a child's point of view.

This. Exactly.