To be annoyed at husband regarding cleaning

[User40465]

My husband works away 4-6 weeks at a time and around a week before he comes home he sends me lists of everything in the house he wants cleaned. He basically wants the house to look like a show house.

Just to point out i am clean but just not as squeaky OCD clean as he is. I work and have 2 children under 5 so think it’s abit unfair for him to expect it when he could help me when he comes home?

Aibu?

I totally agree with @CallmeAngelina

Send it back to him with a note saying, "If you value me and our marriage, please do not ever send me a list like this again."

Please don’t tell us that on a subsequent page there is a Shag/sex task?

He’d never ever get so much as a look from me for the rest of his life if he did that!

I’d not collect him from any airport

I’d send him a like to local hotels and Airbnb and tell him to send THEM his sorry little lists and see if they can help him.

You seriously need to pull him up on the short and curlies on this

What. The. Fuck????? You're holding down the fort with two kids under six and he's expecting you to be the housekeeper of Downton freaking Abbey? While he's spending his evenings doing what? Getting room service at a hotel, or eating leisurely breakfasts in a private flat? Oh no, sister. AND you have a job? Oh nononononono. When he comes home, he should be ready for the handover, and YOU should be ready for some serious time off!

Oh, poor you, what a love-destroyer he must be! Is he coming home to hug his wife and play with his kids or just to inspect the filters?

When you have, in the past, achieved everything on the list to his satisfaction, does he congratulate and thank you, or does he take it for granted? Or had it never even happened because there's always a fault to be found?

First up, I'd be contacting a professional cleaning firm, sharing his list with them, along with details of the size and type of house, and asking them for an itemised quote for a deep clean. That lets you see what he's demanding and what it's worth.

Next I'd message him saying you'd like him to stop sending lists. Tell him you are capable of making your own lists and managing your own household; you do it all the time he's away, after all. Tell him you'd rather he shared what's going on in his life and asked about how you and the DC are getting on. Tell him you wish he was just looking forward to being home with his family enjoying the company of people who love him instead of planning a full inspection and report.

Tell him you don't need his organisation, supervision, or control to keep the house well-run and liveable.

Remind him that work is work and home is home and that your home is home to all of you. Remind him that marriage is an equal partnership and not a commercial contract. Tell him his demands are sucking all the joy out of anticipating his return and he risks turning himself into nothing but a long boring list of chores in your thoughts. Tell him that love, tenderness and happiness will soon shrivel and die if he doesn't change his behaviour and attitude.

If he persists in treating you like a subcontractor, you could show him the quote and ask whether he wants a subcontractor or a wife, because you are only interested in the latter.

He is shockingly inappropriate. Does he show love for you and the DC? Is there laughter and fun when he's home or do you all creep around on eggshells trying not to leave fingermarks or other evidence of your existence?!

I'd reply back:

"I've done all the cleaning that is necessary - namely your clothes out of the wardrobe and into bin bags that you can collect at my convenience".

Honestly he sounds awful. He wants it clean so he's got nothing to do? What does he think you spend your time doing whilst he's away? When do you get downtime?

Trouble is that I suspect this isn't the first such list he's sent, so he has probably established an expectation here.
Time to change his thinking.

That list! 😱.

If my DH spoke to me like this he would come to find his things outside and the locks changed.

“He says he just likes knowing it’s clean so he has nothing to do when he comes home”

I am 😱.

When I saw you post I thought you must have been untidy and didn't clean enough. Then I saw just list...bloody hell, he's a bit extreme.

Maybe you do a good clean as normal and he can do the extra that normal people don't do every week

After four weeks away from you I'm surprised that housework even appears on the list of what he's thinking.

I would tell my DH to fuck right off if he sent me this list.

This is emotional abuse, I would speak to womens aid op.

Tim to get stuffed and get him to pay for a cleaner.

Tell him,not tim lol

Are you ok OP? I think this thread has knocked you for 6, for most of the time you are holding it together as a single parent.

around a week before he comes home he sends me lists of everything in the house he wants cleaned.

"Darling you must have misdirected again, this email should have been sent to your cleaner."

Is surely the response you gave him the first time? If it isn't, do it next time. Why the fuck are you taking orders from him?

Blimey I hope this is a joke.

If not, do you not feel like you can stand up to him and say 'no' OP? If not, why not? Are you scared of him?

He says he just likes knowing it’s clean so he has nothing to do when he comes home

Oh, I see, well that's ENTIRELY reasonable.
After all, what husband doesn't get his tiny rocks off by issuing written orders to his wife, so that he can "do nothing" while she works full time, shoulders the entire domestic load & cares for the children?

What a fucking prince.
A tick sheet FFS.
OP you have been controlled & manipulated by this arsehole for so long you cannot see how atrociously abusive he is being. That is NOT your fault. But please, at the very least get hold of a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book & start giving yourself some solid information about the dynamics of your marriage.

I will post a link in a bit.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

There is also a free e-version or PDF available which you can find quite easily by googling if you do not want a hard copy lying around :)

I don’t know what I’m going to do to be honest.. not in a great place mentally or emotionally so I just don’t know. There’s nobody I can talk to either.

Oh dear OP.
It's not surprising. You are under the huge pressure of full time work & sole responsibility for kids & house. That's already hard ... then some fuckwit starts issuing ticklists, actively undermining you with his "never good enough" attitude & you have to live with the humiliation & despondency of being treated like a defective subordinate.

Please forget his godawful list & instead use the time to find a counsellor FOR YOU ONLY so that you can start to unpack this unholy pile of shit.

Please also remember your colleague's horrified face. DH has made you desensitised to how badly he is behaving, & you have normalised his revolting treatment of you. This is NOT normal & it is NOT right & no amount of DH sulking & sending you to Coventry should persuade you otherwise. Please get some therapeutic help - for goodness sake you work hard & you deserve it.

He sends a list and expects it all to be done???? Tell him to get stuffed! He can send that list to the cleaner he needs to hire. You aren’t his maid.

Sorry for the late reply, it’s the first time today I’ve managed to sit down.

Thank you for the replies, I have read each and everyone of them.

I think I’ve had abit of a reality check if I’m being honest and abit emotional about it

A few people have asked if he’s violent and am I afraid of him which the answer to that is no.

I messaged him to tell him the lists have to stop. I didn’t want to use the “controlling” word as I feel that would have triggered a huge argument. He said he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings and that it was a light joke. I replied by telling him it’s not a light joke as a joke is funny, and that is not and he’s told me I’ve said my “bit” and he will take it onboard and hasn’t spoken to me since. So he’s sulking pretty much.

There's no way these lists were intended as a joke. As a one-off you could maybe consider such a list a joke, but not a series of them.

Let him sulk. If he's still doing it when he gets home, suggest he needs to think about whether he wants you to stay married to him. If he does, have your own list (not written down) ready. Eg a nice dinner out, some days out with the children, you to get two evenings a week out with friends while he's at home.

Sulking is a form of emotional abuse. Hes now punishing you for standing up to him. Ignore him, do not apologise or try to smooth things over. Watch and Wait and see how he behaves. go on to womens aid website, it was that site that changed my life, i hope it helps you too.

I'm assuming these are shared lists on an app. So I'd be creating one called divorce
With the items listed as:
See x lawyer
See y lawyer
Find pay slips
Find tax returns
Find Mortgage agreement
Get house valued
Tell estate agents looking for smaller house
Work out visitations agreement
check CMS website

Just a joke you understand.

Ignore the sulking OP, completely.
If you can.
Radio silence is your friend.
He needs to hear the silence.

His behaviour is abusive.
You need to protect yourself.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Clearly you can survive without him.

You poor, poor pet.

Rest assured, there are loads and loads of posters here to support you.

Post away.
We are here for you💐

Light joke my arse, such a comprehensive list with bloody tick boxes can no way be construed as a joke, light or not.

I'm pleased you have had a reality check and have stood your ground. Definitely ignore the sulking, he needs to know you are not going to be a pushover about this.

The "it was a joke" reply is a classic response from abusers when they are challenged about their behaviour.