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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at husband regarding cleaning

493 replies

User40465 · 08/12/2019 09:05

My husband works away 4-6 weeks at a time and around a week before he comes home he sends me lists of everything in the house he wants cleaned. He basically wants the house to look like a show house.

Just to point out i am clean but just not as squeaky OCD clean as he is. I work and have 2 children under 5 so think it’s abit unfair for him to expect it when he could help me when he comes home?

Aibu?

OP posts:
Hopingtobeamum · 08/12/2019 12:14

My OH works away all week. Goes away Sunday night comes back thu night.
He pays for a cleaner and I ensure all his and two dSc's clothes are washed and ironed.
Cleaner comes once a fortnight and ironing is done by ironing company.
I do everything else, additional cleaning, shopping etc.
I don't mind as OH also pays for a greater share of meals out.
Your DH needs to shake his head. Put your foot down and stop this behaviour right away

wibdib · 08/12/2019 12:15

How about sending a note back along the lines of what a coincidence, I was just writing a list of all the things I’ve been saving for you to do when you get back as I’m on my knees and at breaking point trying to look after the kids, work, keep the house clean and tidy, ensure homework, projects, reading and spellings are all done on time, chauffeur the dc yo their after school activities and entertain other while waiting, sort out Christmas, [deal with any illnesses that have happened, despite feeling so ill myself]. I never have a moment to myself to sit, relax, watch a tv programme, have a relaxing bath, have my food made for me like you do while working away so I can’t wait for you to come home to give me a break and for you to have time to catch up on things I don’t ever have time to do. Your list is a great starting point and I would also add xxx, yyy and zzz onto the list too.
Can’t wait to see you, I’m at collapsing point, it will be so good to have you back to be a partnership again and have support, I know you miss us but I do envy your nice easy life lots of the time!

And sit back and see whT happens.

Frenchw1fe · 08/12/2019 12:18

I've just noticed machine filters on the list.
I can't think of anyone other than a washing machine repair man that might suggest this.
This is nothing to do with having a clean house it's him controlling you from a distance.
I'd just ignore all messages. Just send a text good morning and a good night so he knows you're all safe.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 08/12/2019 12:21

Jesus Op, did the whole female emancipation thing pass you by, or have you been asleep for the last 100 years. My Dad tried this once with my Mum in the early days of their marriage, he got a jug thrown at him, and funnily enough he didn't do it again. My Mum was more emancipated than you back in the 50s, so why in 2019 do you think your H is the boss of you? Were you brought up conditioned to think men are in charge?

cochineal7 · 08/12/2019 12:23

I know it's not realistic, but I would be tempted to book three weeks off to a retreat and leave him to deal with the house and kids for a while. And a list to finish upon your return.

madcatladyforever · 08/12/2019 12:23

Have you told him to fuck off yet because I would have told him 100 times by now. Twat.

Ellie56 · 08/12/2019 12:26

There’s nobody I can talk to either.

Yes there is.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

loverespect.co.uk/help/

reginafelangee · 08/12/2019 12:26

You are his wife not his housekeeper. If he wants a cleaner he can pay for one. Otherwise tell him where to shove his list.

Equanimitas · 08/12/2019 12:27

I'd send the list back with suitable comments by each, e.g:

Kitchen - Do it yourself
Bathroom - Fuck off
TV - What did your last slave die of

And when he sulks, send him a list like this:

DH within the next hour, please ensure you have done the following:

Grown up
Learnt how to be an adult
Learnt how not to treat other adults as your slave
Apologised to me for your childishness

madcatladyforever · 08/12/2019 12:28

I find that the only time in my life when I've had emotional problems was wwhen I've been living with a wanker.
As soon as I've been single again all my MH problems miraculously cleared up and I became a strong independent woman again, I think this is your problem also OP.

Gogreen · 08/12/2019 12:33

Hmmmmm hard one, when I first saw the list I laughed as no way someone would actually do that! But then again I think me and my partner are like this but without the lists. If one is away, out for the day, off doing something then the other expects to come home to a clean and tidy house, even if we do have children, we don’t make each other lists, and we don’t say to each other we want X Y or Z done, but I think we do actually expect it of one another. We both love our home though, and we both cook, clean, parent, work full time, so we do it together, and for one another, think that’s the difference....if one of us actually sent a list to the other....I think fuck off would be a perfect response.

category12 · 08/12/2019 12:33

I'd be looking for a new employer, OP.

plightofthealbatross · 08/12/2019 12:35

He's a dick.

When he's away, you're parenting 24/7, responsible for ALL of it: cooking, feeding, playing, nighttime wake ups, dressing, laundry, rubbish, recycling, entertaining, cleaning up, shopping, errands. ALL of it. While he's having meals out, hotel maids, peace and quiet and uninterrupted sleep. And he comes home and complains if the house isn't to his specification??

He's a dick.

Tell him you're going out and he can send in a cleaning company before he comes home each and every fucking time he's away, and pay for you to go out to have a nice meal, movie and some peace and quiet by yourself or with a friend after you've spend all that time doing everything while he pretty much has to do nothing but his 9-5 job during the daytimes.

koshkat · 08/12/2019 12:35

He is abusive and controlling. Try and get some help and outside support OP because this is no way to live.

theDudesmummy · 08/12/2019 12:44

It is not about whether he does any cleaning, how much there is to do, what you do or don't do etc. It is about the fact that he thinks he can give you that list. This is not a relationship, it is unpaid employment (which also has another name...)

Cacklingmags · 08/12/2019 12:45

What. A. Cunt.
I would leave all the cleaning - leave the house filthy until he stopped sending the lists.
Either that or a fast divorce.

manicmij · 08/12/2019 12:55

Controlling isn't the word for him. Is he the same at his work - obsessives standards with people or is it just with you. He needs counselling on his behaviour or you need to leave an abusive husband. Very much doubt a cleaner would be the answers as he wouldn't be able to control as he does you.

Flippynits · 08/12/2019 13:05

I think you know YANBU, tell him if he wants it that clean to do it himself or hire a cleaner.

avocadotofu · 08/12/2019 13:14

That is totally nuts!! He sounds VERY controlling!!

Pumpkinpie66 · 08/12/2019 14:29

Oh OP this is so unacceptable. He needs to value you more! My DH works away four days a week but then has a 3 day weekend. He has OCD. We agreed long ago that the best thing is I keep the house standing and children alive/fed, a bit of laundry done etc whilst working fulltime while he is away. All cleaning and most of the washing he does- he is the one who needs it done exactly so, so he recognises that a) I'm parenting and working alone most of the week b) he wants it done, he does it!
Do you think he would be receptive to a stern conversation?

Drabarni · 08/12/2019 14:31

YABVU for marrying a twat, what do you expect?

Ellie56 · 08/12/2019 14:38

YABVU for marrying a twat, what do you expect?

How is this remotely helpful? Hmm

Thehop · 08/12/2019 14:45

Is he otherwise a wonderful husband? Are you happy?

I think the answer to those will affect how you deal with this fucktardery OP

Drabarni · 08/12/2019 14:49

Ellie

Your bright solution? Grin

The OP has married a twat, who does that to their wife?
I may be stating the bleedin obvious there, but the OP is either going to clean by the list or not.

billy1966 · 08/12/2019 14:50

No wonder you are not feeling great.
Who would.
Doing it all and having that selfish prick sending you a list.
Honestly, I'd love to give you a hug.

Please stay on here posting and contact women's aid.

You need support.

@InionEile
Exactly 👍

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