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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at husband regarding cleaning

493 replies

User40465 · 08/12/2019 09:05

My husband works away 4-6 weeks at a time and around a week before he comes home he sends me lists of everything in the house he wants cleaned. He basically wants the house to look like a show house.

Just to point out i am clean but just not as squeaky OCD clean as he is. I work and have 2 children under 5 so think it’s abit unfair for him to expect it when he could help me when he comes home?

Aibu?

OP posts:
Ihatefootball86 · 08/12/2019 20:33

My god. If my husband worked away for 4-6 weeks at a time I'd be waiting at the end of the drive with the kids to hand them over and immediately have a night off and possibly a spa day.!!
*house would be tip.
*if he was any less than grateful for me doing all the childcare for 6 weeks I'd be fuming.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 08/12/2019 20:45

My DH made a detrimental comment about the level of housekeeping once, when I was a SAHM. I handed him a duster and told him his skills in that area obviously far exceeded mine.

Over the years the outside work balance has fluctuated, but to be honest, he's borne more than his fair share ever since.

Jokes need to be mildly amusing at the very least.

Mumtotwo82 · 08/12/2019 20:46

He will now have some time to think about what you said (at least you don't have to see the sulking)
When he gets home hopefully he thought about how the lists and demands make you feel and he might be open enough to talk (if he is not, he is really not a good husband)
Maybe sympathise if he has OCD (if he really has that condition that is) but saying that he can't put his OCD on you and it's a lot of pressure and unfair. You do your best for the family but you can't expect perfection and if his OCD affects him then he should get therapy or do the extra jobs himself as it's him that has these standard you keep the kids healthy and clean and the house in good order for a young family and that's what is important.

Has he ever looked after the kids and run a household alone a few days for even a whole day? If not Ask him to do this and he see how hard it is.
Either way you have to say when his does these things, I feel 'hurt, taken for granted, unloved' or however it makes you feel.
He needs to know how it makes you feel, if he initially sulks but comes back and says sorry and he will try harder and stop treating you in such a way and no more lists etc, you may have a chance. If he doesn't well he doesn't respect you enough as his wife and it's not what a loving husband would do.

msflibble · 08/12/2019 20:55

Take yourself off on a nice 2 week holiday OP. Let him work and take care of the kids and polish his precious work surfaces all by himself for the entire time. Then send him a list of everything you want to be shiny and clean upon your return.
He is being a total prick, you need to pull him up on it asap. You do not have to tolerate this!

UndomesticHousewife · 08/12/2019 20:56

Your husband is a prick. My husband works away he knows my workload here in the house and wouldn't dream of doing this to me. Why are you entertaining this?

FleetwoodMacMummy · 08/12/2019 21:04

I would seriously tell him to fuck off! He sounds awfully controlling

Ash39 · 08/12/2019 23:17

How can it be a "light joke" if he has done it every time he has come home for the last three years?

Wearywithteens · 08/12/2019 23:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Nanalisa60 · 08/12/2019 23:26

My husband use to work away for a month at a time!, and he would leave me a to do list, one day one of my best friend came in the house and saw the list.

She just looked at it and said to me what’s this!! I said my to do list!, she just tore it up throw it in the bin and said well that’s it done.

When he come home he asked if I had done my list said no it went in the bin!, but feel free to do anything on the list if you want to. That was the end of the to do list.

longtompot · 08/12/2019 23:34

I told my dh about this today, and his flabber was well and truly ghasted! He couldn't believe there was someone who would do this to their wife! He said that your H could just fuck off!
The fact that your 'd'h sulks when he doesn't get his own way speaks volumes. He is bullying you. I suggest when he gets home, he works through his list, whilst looking after your children and running the house. You should just go and do all those things you don't have time to do whilst he is away working for all those weeks.

UnaCorda · 09/12/2019 00:03

Wtf is a "light joke"? What a load of bollocks. In my experience people often use odd, contorted language when they're trying to obfuscate the issue and distract from the fact they're talking bollocks.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 09/12/2019 00:06

'A light joke'? What a gaslighting bastard. Of course he's sulking. He wants to convince you that you are in the wrong and he is a victim because asking him to consider your feelings is apparently unacceptable. Only his bigger, more important feelings matter and he'll sulk to reset the status quo.

Don't let it work.

New list:

  • Locate all important documents and make copies.
  • locate all important paperwork- birth certificates, passports etc. Keep them safe.
  • book in with a counsellor. Make a safe space and time that focuses on your feelings and your needs.
  • book in an appointment for legal advice about your rights in the case of a split. (Come prepared with your financial info to get the most value of this appointment)
  • have a tamper proof contraception plan.

If you're not in a good place don't feel like you have to make any big decisions right now. But you can use this time to get information and build yourself up in case you want to leave later.

lisag1969 · 09/12/2019 00:17

Send him the list back and say these are the things we can do together when you get home. I'm not your maid I've been keeping the house tidy while you are away and seeing as you have done no housework for the time you have been away, these are the things we will be doing together. If you don't want to do them together you can do them alone.

veewee · 09/12/2019 00:21

If my dh sent me a list like that, he'd be coming home to an empty house!

That isn't a joke, he's knows it's completely out of order, but if he says it's 'just a joke' he can get away with it, if he really thought it was 'just a joke' he wouldn't make you do it with him the next day. You know he's being serious from his sulking, & the reason he is sulking is because you are standing up to him & he doesn't like it. Good luck op, he's a royal knob!

Equanimitas · 09/12/2019 00:38

Goodness, he sulks a lot for a grown man. If he's still sulking when he gets home, tell him to grow up.

Original poster
User40465 · 09/12/2019 06:24

I woke up to a message this morning,

Will copy and paste what’s relevant -

I never really spoke much yesterday because I had a gut feeling you had an issue with me. I’ll give you some time to yourself and not bother you. Your clearly having a hard time with things.

Surely if your wife is going through a hard time you should be supporting her and checking if she’s ok...

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 09/12/2019 06:32

Too weird. The attitude of the absent parent should be abject gratitude that you’ve held the fort in his/her absence. Flowers appropriate.

What a gutless prat. I certainly couldn’t have sex with a man like that on reading such a note my libido would fly out the window

katmarie · 09/12/2019 06:34

He sounds delightful. I would interpret that to say 'you're clearly having a tantrum with me, I'm going to ignore you until you get over it'.

I would be taking advantage of his sulking silence to have a good think about the relationship and where you want it to go from here.

Daisy7654 · 09/12/2019 06:37

Firstly you're not crazy. I'm getting insinuation from that message that he's suggesting you are. You're strong and brilliant and you can do this.
I know it's so hard but you can fight back. The worst won't happen, society (and mumsnet) are on your side. He has certainly shown his true colours for the controlling dangerous bully he is.
Good luck Flowers

ElspethFlashman · 09/12/2019 06:38

That text is like one you'd send to a colleague.

What a shit husband he is.

Weenurse · 09/12/2019 06:39

💐🍷

TotalRecall · 09/12/2019 06:48

There’s nothing more unattractive than a sulking man. What a baby.

OP my DH also works away 6 weeks on, 1 week off, in a very physically demanding job, outside, in 45 degree heat in summer. I have two kids older than yours and am a SAHM at the moment. I know he likes the house clean when he comes home. And I do pretty much fuck all all day so have time to clean it, and like it clean when he comes home. He would never dream of sending me a list. In fact, a few times he has come home and for one reason or another it’s been an absolute shit tip. He’s never said a word. Just asks what he can do to help or gets stuck in and cleans it himself.

Your DH is a cunt.

WanderingAimlessly · 09/12/2019 06:49

He’s not adding much to your life is he OP? If he’s not there much and when he is is a sulking dick, will your life be anything other than better without him? You’re already managing quite well on your own , thank you very much, most of the time. Being a single mum won’t make much difference to you. You’ll just be rid of a bullying, sulking, control freak.

SweetSally · 09/12/2019 06:52

Send him a detailed list of everyday activities he needs to do with the kids so you will have some time to "clean"

Does he even know how difficult it is having children and managing a home not to mention you also have a job.

Comtesse · 09/12/2019 06:54

Flowers OP I think you need some self care. Would some counselling maybe through your job be possible?