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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at husband regarding cleaning

493 replies

User40465 · 08/12/2019 09:05

My husband works away 4-6 weeks at a time and around a week before he comes home he sends me lists of everything in the house he wants cleaned. He basically wants the house to look like a show house.

Just to point out i am clean but just not as squeaky OCD clean as he is. I work and have 2 children under 5 so think it’s abit unfair for him to expect it when he could help me when he comes home?

Aibu?

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 08/12/2019 11:19

My friend's dad was a brigadier and would work away. The stress caused by his return was palpable as he had very high expectations with regards to cleaning and tidying which the mother failed to meet every time. Not a nice atmosphere in the house.

GreenTulips · 08/12/2019 11:21

I’d send him a list!

I’d be telling him you have done the job of 2 people for X weeks and have had no down time. After 40 hours at work, feeding bathing kids and all the washing - you’re exhausted and will be taking 5 days to recover at a local hotel.

Honestly if they don’t do the house and kids they’ll never understand

MarianaMoatedGrange · 08/12/2019 11:21

You can talk to Women's Aid. You can talk here.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 08/12/2019 11:23

You can talk to Women's Aid. You can talk here

That was in reply to your post saying you have no one to talk to, OP.

thedevilinablackdress · 08/12/2019 11:24

Lex234 's message above is a good one. It explains how it make you feel.

Pollaidh · 08/12/2019 11:25

DH and I often work abroad for 1-2 weeks at a time, different times obviously. Whilst the travelling partner is usually working really hard (100 hours+ a week), the travelling partner is always very aware that the home partner is juggling a job, all the school runs, all the washing, all the after school clubs, shopping, life admin etc. The travelling partner is always massively grateful to the home partner for facilitating their work away.

I can't imagine my husband ever sending me a list like that, I think he's usually simply grateful we are all alive and the house isn't on fire. Same for me when I'm away. As soon as the returning partner has recovered from the trip, they muck in straight away and make sure the home partner has time to go to gym/run etc.

We have a cleaner, and even with a weekly cleaner the house can still get out of control.

Your DH is a knob.

ememem84 · 08/12/2019 11:26

Dh did this to me once. Left me a list of things I could do.

I debated doing them (as they would benefit me...clean house etc). It was all stuff I’d do anyway but it was the list that pissed me off. I called a cleaning co to ask for a quote. Then did the jobs myself and took the money from our joint ac. £15 an hour, 4 hours work.

He hasn’t left a list since.

I’m on mat leave at the moment so am trying to keep up with cleaning etc but with two littlies it’s hard. I’ve just sorted out a regular cleaner for January when I go back to work and a one off deep clean before Christmas.

To answer the question though. This isn’t normal. It needs stopping.

InionEile · 08/12/2019 11:28

My husband is away traveling right now and travels regularly for work. He is also OCD with cleaning and gets frustrated with how messy the house gets with 2 DC. I used to clean up the house as well as I could before he would get home from a trip because I knew it stressed him out to come back to a chaotic house.

Then one time he came home from a trip and despite me having cleaned up as well as I could ( with a 4 year old and 1 year old at the time) commented, ‘the house is in a real state, isn’t it?’ as the first thing he said getting in the door, not even ‘so great to see you, missed you’ nothing.

Well, I can tell you, I do not clean up for him coming home anymore. He is coming back from a trip today and my daughter has art materials all over the kitchen table, my son has Legos out all over his bedroom and there are toast crumbs until the table and I don’t care! He can clean it himself if it bothers him. He’s been staying in 5 star hotels for a week while I’ve been working and studying full time, parenting the kids and cooking, doing laundry etc. so he can do his own bloody cleaning if he wants. And my DH will do it too and always has. He has never told me to clean the house or given me ‘lists’. If he had, he would have gotten served divorce papers pretty quick.

As it is, after that incident where he complained about the house even though I had spent the morning cleaning it, I gave him a real talking to about how it made me feel when he said things like that after I had been holding the fort while he was away. He has never said it again and knows now that he was being a prick. He admitted that his standards get unrealistic from staying in hotels and then coming home to a house with kids. Anyway, we resolved it with frank communication and him making a conscious choice not to be an asshole. Do you think your DH could choose not to be an asshole or is he a lost cause? He doesn’t sound promising but maybe he just needs a wake-up call from you in the form of some radical honesty and you demanding the respect you deserve.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/12/2019 11:31
Shock

I suggest that you simply reply 'Sorry no, I'm happy with how OUR house looks, if you require extra then clean it yourself.'

Obviously you don't feel that you can do that or you wouldn't have put up with this nutjob for so long.

So I suggest you tell him you want a divorce.

vitadolce2015 · 08/12/2019 11:36

You can talk to us and get support here @User40465 . Sending hugs. Do you feel you can talk to him about this when he's home? I think it's important you feel you can talk to him and be listened to.

Bluetrews25 · 08/12/2019 11:37

Very concerned for you. Sounds like we all are.
Are you afraid of him coming back?
Is he ever violent, or is it just the sulks?

Soontobe60 · 08/12/2019 11:37

@User40465

Your husband is absolutely controlling you. He works away which means you have difficulty doing anything just for yourself as your employer looking after your children. He sends you orders for when he returns, and expects to do nothing when he's at home. He sulks and ignores you if you don't do what he's demanded. You've spoken to someone at work and they were horrified. And finally, you said you are embarrassed about the situation.
You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about, but everything to be angry about. You can talk to people on here, try to ignore the extreme suggestions, but take on board the more realistic ones. My first husband was controlling in a similar way and it took me 3 years to pluck up enough courage to leave him. It was hard because everyone thought he was a great man who worked very hard to provide for his family.
Do you have family you could talk to? How young are your children? If they are young enough talk to the health visitor. They can support you in this.

RhinoskinhaveI · 08/12/2019 11:40

You are getting the shitty end of the stick here OP
things need to change

SilverySurfer · 08/12/2019 11:42

SweetPetrichor
To play devil's advocate here...he works away for considerable lengths of time, is it so hard to have the place nice and welcoming how he likes it when he comes home? The list isn't difficult tasks, it's just basically having the place clean and pleasant.

Oh look, hubby has found MN. Either that or a Victorian throwback.

OP obviously your DH is completely controlling and abnormal. I'm stunned you have put up with it for three years. At least you are beginning to realise that this isn't normal behaviour which has to stop. I would personally tell him the lists end now and let him sulk. I would also be seriously thinking about whether being married to this man is what you really want. How does it make you happy? I couldn't be with a man who didn't return the love and respect I felt for him - two equal partners.

Scootalong · 08/12/2019 11:45

Not RTFT but lost me at not being able to spell HOOVERED

Maybe if he could spell it he could have the nerve to order the task be done!!! Xmas Biscuit

PositiveVibez · 08/12/2019 11:46

What an absolute fucking horrible, controlling wanker.

That list would be getting shove up his fucking arse.

Plus, he cants fucking spell hoovered properly.

Cheeky cunt.

lljkk · 08/12/2019 11:46

I knew a gal whose husband had OcD... she cleaned almost nothing. She reckoned he would reclean everything to his standard (as soon as he was home) so why bother?

They were both fairly happy with this arrangement (!)

DrivingMsCrazy · 08/12/2019 11:47

OP You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. It's ALL on him. He's using you and not appreciating you as an equal, as his wife, not a housekeeper. His attitude is the problem here, not you.

thenightsky · 08/12/2019 11:52

My DH used to work away a lot. He always used to say 'leave the cleaning until I get back'.

ysmaem · 08/12/2019 11:57

Tell him to do it or make him pay for a cleaner. What a twat.

BlueJava · 08/12/2019 11:58

He needs to understand that parenting and running a home is 50/50. If he is away for 4-6 weeks then he's got quite a lot of time to make up hasn't he. I love a nice clean home and I spend a long time doing housework, DH always does his fair share too. But if he sent me a list instead of helping, especially if he was away and I had 2 kids, he'd be paying for a cleaner or getting divorced. He is totally unreasonable.

notapizzaeater · 08/12/2019 12:02

He's got three weeks when he's back to do all those jobs .!

wasthatamistake · 08/12/2019 12:06

I'd take great pleasure in divorcing him, finding a new home while he was away and leaving the house in a fucking tip for him to return to.

HollowTalk · 08/12/2019 12:10

Can you tell us what sort of living accommodation he has while he's away? Who cooks his dinner? Who cleans his room? Does he have every evening free? Does he have uninterrupted sleep?

Tooner · 08/12/2019 12:13

OP, I'm sorry you're having emotional problems at the minute. This will affect the way you deal with this. It's obvious that your husband is very controlling and it seems you haven't got the strength to confront him regarding this and perhaps other things which are not normal in a loving relationship.
It's easy for other people to say just tell him to fuck off but if you haven't got it in you then there's no way you can do that

I think it would be beneficial for you to speak to Womans Aid who will give you advice on how to go forward with this. You really need to speak to someone because this is no way to live.