To be annoyed at husband regarding cleaning

[User40465]

My husband works away 4-6 weeks at a time and around a week before he comes home he sends me lists of everything in the house he wants cleaned. He basically wants the house to look like a show house.

Just to point out i am clean but just not as squeaky OCD clean as he is. I work and have 2 children under 5 so think it’s abit unfair for him to expect it when he could help me when he comes home?

Aibu?

He treats you like an employee, that means you can resign or go on strike

Your clearly having a hard time with things.
He is deflecting. You made a reasonable request for him to stop sending you lists of jobs, and he has evaded accepting responsibility by turning it back on to you. He doesn't think he has been unreasonable.
This isn't how you treat someone that you love, respect, and see as your partner or equal.

Dear God OP, what a horrendous situation you are in.

Please realise this is just so awful and not normal.

Please seek help.
Get out from under his control.

He is a horrible man.

I think that LakieLady has the best response to give him in reply to

I never really spoke much yesterday because I had a gut feeling you had an issue with me. I’ll give you some time to yourself and not bother you. Your clearly having a hard time with things

Send

What the actual fuck

Find a good divorce lawyer, do the Freedom programme and get some counselling to try to get to the bottom of why you put up with being treated like this. You deserve so much better Op. I hope this Christmas is the last one you spend with this tyrant.

He really doesn't realise looking after kids etc means you can't have a spotless home then? Life is not all about cleaning. Tell him you will do the stuff that needs doing like pots, rubbish out, hoovering, laundry and bathroom but other things have to wait until you get time. I have a really messy four year old. She's so ferral and I don't stand a chance lol. I've had to let my standards slip.

Just in case anyone tells you that nobody is perfect, you have to be a bit tolerant etc etc, my husband is definitely a bit lazy and quick to criticise household things without getting on and helping. I'm working on being more assertive about it. 'oh is the living room a mess? Ok, why don't you go and tidy it while I do the washing up'. He is not perfect but he would never dream of sending a list like that. If he went away for work the housework wouldn't even cross his mind while he was away. This is really not normal. Good luck!

Sorry I am really finding hard to believe this. If true get help. It is NOT right. So he leaves you alone with the kids while he is probably relaxing in the evenings while away and leaves a list of jobs!!! Had my DH trying to give me list of errands to do on my day off. Told him to give his head a shake. I plan my time off. It will probably involve some housework and errands but not doing anyones to do lists

When he sends you list dont do it. When he asks just say i didnt do it and im not doing it. How have you let him dictate to you and not scrubbed the toilet with his toothbrush yet.....

Or you could send it back to him, re-titled 'Things for You to Do When You Get Home'.

You could add to it - say, cleaning the car, outings for the children, Christmas Shopping for His Family. . .

My DH does a lot of work away from home. He also knows just how much work goes into keeping the house the way we like it, and parenting our kids the way we want them parented.

He has been known to get home to me throwing a child at him from one arm, a toilet plunger from the other, a quick kiss and I'm going to the supermarket, I may be gone some time. . . if he sent me a list like that, I'd either assume his phone had been hacked, or he'd lost his marbles. And self preservation instincts.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. This is not normal, nor acceptable behaviour on his part. You have nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about. HE is the controlling, abusive bully, not you.

It seems like the scales are starting to fall from your eyes, which is good.

And to echo PPs, DO NOT show him this thread. You said you have no one to talk to but that's not true - you have us. There are many, many women who have gone through similar (or perhaps not) that will support you. Please look after yourself

Oh OP what an eye opener you've had... It's crazy when we think of the bigger picture our lives really are and the way people behave towards us.

I used to be in a very similar situation to you. When you're in it you just tend to do things without giving them much thought. It's also very easy for people to tell you what to say about things that seem odd, or how to deal with things. They are not in the same situation though, they're not having to live in a hostile environment and walking on eggshells with young children.

There comes a point that it just takes on incident to topple the scales and it's like a fog lifts, you start to see things as they really are, to question how you are being treated and spoken to. The bigger picture starts to show that what is happening isn't the norm, with young children you realise just how much appeasing and pleasing you've done to keep them and you're home life harmonious.
You also see how knackered you feel. It grinds you down.
I feel for you, I really do. It's a horrible situation to live in.

I reached the stage I just couldn't do it anymore. I looked at my life and I did a list... I listed all of the things that my ex-husband did and said. Also how balanced our day to day lives were. It's surprising when you actually see it written down. Much like you've seen it written down by so many others on this thread.

You need to start thinking of yourself. Don't let him deflect and gaslight you. It is the worst thing you can do! He'll see that as yet another way to undermine you.

This situation will not get better, no amount of trying to talk to or to explain things to a person like your ex-husband. He'll just use it as another controlling tool.

I left, it wasn't easy but I had to for my own wellbeing and that of my child. It was the best decision I ever made. You realise once out of it just how hard it was.

I hope you manage to find the time to talk on here and let it out. Or call Womens Aid ( they were my salvation) and look at doing the Freedom Programme.
Don't what ever you do, show your husband this thread. It would be the worst thing you could do. He'll undermine you and ramp up the control ridiculing you that you have shared his business with strangers on the internet. I've been there!

Keep strong I know it's tough. I think long-term you have to look at the situation and make some tough decisions. I wish you all the best x

Does he work 100 hours a week? Is he paid millions? I bet the answer’s no. So why does he act like such a tinpot dictator? Why is he incapable of buying Christmas gifts? Telling you off when the car is mot cleaned properly like a naughty child? Honestly! What an ass...

Oh OP you A(MOSTDEFINITELY)NBU! Don't show DH this, it's yours alone and it's currently your only safety valve and whatever you decide to do, you need that release and reassurance. Please look after yourself and DC. We are all united behind you and you are a strong capable human being!

Just to make sure your DH cannot see what's been sent to mumsnet by you, CHANGE YOUR POSTING NAME before he comes home (and set up a new email and change that too).

This site should absolutely be your safe place.

I just realised you're working outside the home as well!

Holding down the fort at home, all of the childcare and household crap, plus working.

While he works away and has lovely evenings and nights to himself ... and still bitches at you to do more to his desires and standards and pick up all the extra holiday jobs on his behalf.

Fuck him.

I'd take his head off verbally.

This has belatedly jumped out at me OP:

speaks down to me about how he works hard for the things he has and I don’t look after it

YOU work hard too.
What part of your full time job is he having trouble recognising here?
& what is wrong with him that HE cannot look after his things, but expects you to, then gets his tiny thrill from telling you your efforts are still not good enough?

He really LOVES to undermine you, doesn't he?
I'm not buying his OCD schtick.
It's a rod to beat you with.

He's got a nice collection of sticks to beat you with hasn't he. He really is a total shit.

OP Sympathy. I was the DW who went out travelling for work while my DH sorted DC as babies and then did the school runs, doctors appointments and held down a full time job. It was hard work for me (lots of flights, working in various countries and full on) but I could order a meal in my accommodation or go out for a meal and read a book before going back into the maelstrom of work. I didn't realize quite how much DH was doing and how little downtime he had. HOWEVER I would never have sent him a list of things to do. I just wanted to see him and DC.

I hope you can have a conversation with him that's productive. Sit down with a good meal and take him through it.

Just do the list and send it back all ticked off. And then send him the same list, plus all the extras you do EVERY DAY for him to complete on his return. Clearly it's not unreasonable behaviour in his book, so he'll be fine with it.
Or leave him.

Omfg! Haven't rtft- only got to page 2 where I saw his list and thought "he can fuck right off!" You've got 2 little kids which you practically single parent and he dares to ask this of you??? I'd be laughing my husband out the door if he sent anything like that to me. What an absolute prick!

I wonder if he'd actually notice if you ticked things off without doing them? Would he really inspect the washing machine filters, for instance?

OP, please read the opening post on this thread and have a long think about what you have now vs what you would like to have www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

When you have the row - and you MUST HAVE THE ROW, DO NOT LET HIM SULK YOU INTO SILENCE OR SHUT YOU DOWN - explain to him that you literally work 24/7.

Oh pooooooor him, away from comfy bed and cosy home for weeks... with evenings and weekends largely to himself and his own leisure, hotel cleaning services, laundry services, restaurant food/takeaway, and zero responsibility apart from the job for which he is paid. Of course he deserves to have everything just fucking so and prepared in advance for when he arrives. Oh he must be positively knackered!!

Every single day without fail, YOU cook, clean, shop, school run, wrangle, bath, wrestle bedtime, wipe tears and arses, wake with the kids in the night, wake with them at sunrise, listen to whittering, answer questions, teach, soothe, tidy up, manage the entire household - EVERYTHING.

If there is any justice in this world, then he simply doesn't understand, simply hasn't seen things from that perspective, and will be mortified at ever having sent petty, overbearing, weird lists to you.

If not, he's a lunatic.

The more you post the more awful it gets. He’s convinced you this is normal. His silence is a means of guilting you into apologising and getting back into line. What exactly is he contributing? You sound mentally very tired. You’re working, dealing with the kids and house and he is behaving this way. It isn’t right love and no one should be treated the way he’s treating you.