To be annoyed at husband regarding cleaning

[User40465]

My husband works away 4-6 weeks at a time and around a week before he comes home he sends me lists of everything in the house he wants cleaned. He basically wants the house to look like a show house.

Just to point out i am clean but just not as squeaky OCD clean as he is. I work and have 2 children under 5 so think it’s abit unfair for him to expect it when he could help me when he comes home?

Aibu?

Your latest post is quite chilling op. It sounds like he's controlling everything you do. I bet he makes out that you're so lucky to have a man like him and makes you feel like you don't deserve better. Keep talking on here op. There are many, many posters who have found themselves in a relationship like this and can give you support.

I never really spoke much yesterday because I had a gut feeling you had an issue with me. I’ll give you some time to yourself and not bother you. Your clearly having a hard time with things.

OP I am so sorry.
You have called him out, he knows it, & his first reaction was to pass 3 years of controlling fuckwittery including inspections of your work ffs off as "a joke".

He then withdraws for a nice sulk & comes back at you with the above message. IT IS STRAIGHT FROM THE ABUSERS HANDBOOK.
Note how he is shaping HIS behaviour as your "issue".
How he is implying that rather than him being wrong, YOU "have an issue".
The total lack of apology.
The refusal to acknowledge your feelings or viewpoint.

Please at the very least stay engaged here on MN. He is about to ramp up his behaviour, because you have challenged him & his immediate response will now be to shut you down & punish you.

If I have not yet recommended "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, I should have. Google it OP, order it, & read it - it is an absolute lifeline for women in your situation.

If you are overwhelmed by this post I apologise, but his response is concerning. If you need a handhold & would like to pm me, please feel very welcome to do so.

I can't believe how slowly but surely these controlling assholes get perfectly normal people like the OP to believe that what they 'expect' from their partners is 'normal' :(

There are LOTS of people who are genuinely surprised when they ask online for opinions to something which irks them, but had not actually realised how FAR from normal their situation actually IS. :(

OP, you have had a lot of very useful responses, which I'm sure will take some time to get your head around, but the basic fact which you MUST hear is that you are NOT being treated with any respect or love by your DH, and you MUST change things for yourself and for your DC's !

What form that change will be will be up to you, but you simply CANNOT allow your partner to continue to control you as he has been doing for years.

I know this Xmas will be tough, but please don't 'brush things under the carpet' just to present a 'normal' front to your family/ friends over the festive period, because it will only be when you make his appalling behaviour PUBLIC that you will not backslide into your old 'norm'. So tell everyone that things are unhappy and that he is sulking etc, and even change your plans for xmas if necessary ( eg if you were hosting, say 'sorry, but as DH and I are currently not speaking due to his unreasonable behaviour, we can't host Xmas lunch' )

I wish you all the very best. xx

So apart from money does he contribute anything to family life ?

I'm never usually a "show him this thread" kind of person but this guy seriously needs a reality check!

You are not his skivvy..... My husband had his arse handed to him on a plate when he tried something similar. . He moans about car, I'll get a cheap valet then he moans I've paid for it.... I just tell him to bore off and if it bothers him that much he can do it himself and have 5 martyr gold stars. Same with cleaning etc I'll do stuff in my own time, I won't be dictated too.... He's learning slowly.

Next year your DH can sort his own families gifts.... You are either a team or your not.

Wow he is an absolute twat isn't he! Controlling and a sulker as well. I fear this situation is not going to get any better for you.

Do not show DH this thread. He will twist the responses that don't agree with him and turn everything back on you. Keep this as your safe place to get support x

Please show your husband this thread so he realises that his controlling behaviour is not normal

@User40465 please DO NOT SHOW HIS THIS THREAD. @Helmlover1 I know you postedy your advice with good intentions, but it is seriously not advised. The husband is a controlling bully already. Giving him insight into OP's emerging thought processes will give him too much ammo to use against her, & letting him see what 'the vipers' are advising would enrage him. He will still see himself in the right, & he will escalate his manipulation & 'ownership' of OP.

I believe he is already on a process of escalation, which OP is going to need to resolve to stay strong against.
She has challenged his self-appointed role of King List Maker & he is already kicking back.
OP, stick to your guns & keep posting. You have made the largest & hardest step already, which is recognition of how badly skewed & unacceptable your husband's behaviour is. Do NOT be tempted to 'back yourself up' by showing him this thread. He wont accept it, as he is never in the wrong, & he will punish you for daring to have your own voice, let alone use it to ask others for help.

There is no method of "showing him his controlling behaviour is not normal". He wont accept it. Only a 'normal' person could accept it & he isn't normal - he is an "Angry & Controlling Man" & the sooner OP reads Lundy Bancroft's book, the sooner she can start to achieve insight, understanding & self-preservation in the teeth of her husband's bullying & manipulation.

I've just noticed machine filters on the list.
I can't think of anyone other than a washing machine repair man that might suggest this.

I thought that, too. I've never cleaned the filter in my washing machine and it's 12 years old.

He's acting like a tyrant, OP. I think you need to go away for work for a few days, maybe get yourself booked onto a residential course or something, ideally in a city with great shopping and nice places to eat.

He can deal with all the stuff on his list while you're away and he's the sole parent.

Wow! Just wow.

Don't show him this thread. Keep Mumsnet as a safe space away from him where you can vent and seek support. You don't want him to know your thought process until you're ready.

Furthermore, (given he's a controlling gaslighting bastard) you should really reset all your passwords just in case. Also check that he doesn't have an app tracking your whereabouts on your phone.

Have you spoken to any friends in real life about your marriage? Do you have a support network?

Oh OP . You need to tell him "Yes I do have an issue with you. I have an issue with the fact that you treat me like your housekeeper rather than your wife."

People have mentioned OCD, but it’s ringing more bells for OCPD for me (Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder). You might want to read up on it, OP.

I get why people say don't show the thread.... However he may actually think this is acceptable behaviour. OP can always name change.... Sometimes shaming their behaviour can turn it into a positive.

You're already doing everything for you and your DCs yourself. Think about how much easier it'll be and happier you'll be without having him to deal with aswell.

@User40465 Here are some links you might find useful;

The Freedom Programme
freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

newdirectionsshelter.org/red-flags-of-abusive-relationships/

www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm

If I don’t get the car cleaned he’s not happy and speaks down to me about how he works hard for the things he has and I don’t look after it. He tries to lecture me if I prepare/cook food a different way to him.

Isn't it amazing, OP, how one seemingly small incident, one pause for reflection, one push-back to a bully's unacceptable behaviour can open the floodgates of realisation that all is not well, & has not been well for some time?
CONGRATULATIONS. You are starting to think beyond the FOG (please google Fear Obligation Guilt).

Guess what, none of us here who have escaped/survived domestic abuse are AT ALL surprised by these revelations you are having.

You are not in the wrong, you are not dense, or beaten down, or culpable in any way. The journey you are about to embark on will be full of these realisations. You might even choose to view it as being at the centre of your own detective story, as the clues come together & you start to recognise the pattern. The entire purpose of your story now is to win your freedom - either from his outrageous & ugly controlling behaviour, or even from the marriage itself.

Stay focused, & when you can't, get dreaming of how life would feel without being at some twat's beck & call. You are not this arsehole's handmaiden & he can either shape up or fuck off. You are not alone. You can do this. Imagine how empowered & glorious you will feel when you are no longer accepting his crap. Imagine ditto when your children are no longer forced to internalise his crap.

Big hugs to you. Message me if you feel it would help you.

Jesus. Send him a list of cleaners with their phone numbers and hourly rates.

What an arsehole.

OP, what strikes me is that actually you are coping and yes, it’s hard, but you’re already running your home and don’t need him to tell you what to do. He’s belittling and making you justify your choices and actions. He’s only seeing this in ways that make his life easier. He wants the car cleaned? Surely he can ring and book a valet for when he knows you’ll be at home? He could have ordered presents whilst away. He could have taken the Christmas cards with him and written them from his quiet hotel room. It’s like he wants you to constantly be kicking the goals but he’s more than capable of pitching in and getting this stuff through the net too.

Oh OP sad. You need to tell him "Yes I do have an issue with you. I have an issue with the fact that you treat me like your housekeeper rather than your wife."

Any housekeeper worth their salt would quit this job!

Op, we completely understand that you’ll be totally overwhelmed with all this in terms of revelation about just how unhealthy the dynamic is in your relationship

This will not get easier in the short term, he’ll probably escalate and use ever manipulation technique there is to get you back to heel

It’s going to take a lot of bravery and strength and we’ll be here with you the whole way

Men like your h hate mumsnet because it shines a light o. Just how awful they are

I never really spoke much yesterday because I had a gut feeling you had an issue with me. I’ll give you some time to yourself and not bother you. Your clearly having a hard time with things.

What the actual fuck?

So he thinks the way to deal with you "having a hard time with things" is to avoid/evade/ignore the "things"?

He clearly has no intention of acting like a decent, normal, supportive partner. And your issue is not with him, it's with the way he treats you like staff. He plainly hasn't got a scooby doo that what you need is support and respect, not "time to yourself". And if he thinks that leaving you with sole care of 2 children is giving you "time to yourself", he's plainly deluded.

I find it very telling that, the very first time you don't comply with his demands and attend to the things on his"list", his response is just to disengage. This rings a loud alarm bell for me. It's very controlling, and (imo) designed to upset you. It's so vague and open-ended and must have made you feel pretty shit.

Anyway, YANBU but I think pps are right and it would be a good idea to talk to Women's Aid or someone about this.

Hey OP, well done for starting to stand up for yourself. I agree with PP who have said not to tell him about your chat here. Make sure you don't leave the thread on any computer he will access when he is home.

This is your safe place with people who can reassure you that what he is asking and doing is not normal and not ok. Don't let him into that.

Whilst you still have a bit of time, think about what YOU want and need. write your own lists of demands so that if this all blows up when he gets home you are confident in what you are looking for. Do speak to Women's Aid too for some RL support.

You have an advantage over lots of people in your situation in that you have time to think and to plan.

Keep strong OP .

I can't believe how slowly but surely these controlling assholes get perfectly normal people like the OP to believe that what they 'expect' from their partners is 'normal' sad

It's the "boiling a frog" technique, isn't it @nowayhose? The frog doesn't realise until it's too late.

It's subtle, insidious and goes hand-in-hand with gaslighting. It becomes their victim's "normal".

How much easier would your life be without him op? I’m not sure people like this can change.
He should be grateful to you for enabling him to have a family and keep your life and house running as well as working while he works away. Instead he treats you like an underperforming housemaid. I really think you should clean nothing while he’s here next, if you haven’t just gone to a hotel or family for a break. You’ve done your turn, when is he planning to contribute?