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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at husband regarding cleaning

493 replies

User40465 · 08/12/2019 09:05

My husband works away 4-6 weeks at a time and around a week before he comes home he sends me lists of everything in the house he wants cleaned. He basically wants the house to look like a show house.

Just to point out i am clean but just not as squeaky OCD clean as he is. I work and have 2 children under 5 so think it’s abit unfair for him to expect it when he could help me when he comes home?

Aibu?

OP posts:
downthestrada · 09/12/2019 07:57

I never really spoke much yesterday because I had a gut feeling you had an issue with me. I’ll give you some time to yourself and not bother you. Your clearly having a hard time with things.

Trying to make it into your problem rather than his. Don’t let him do this.

He wants it to seem like the list isn’t that unreasonable but because you are having such a hard time with things, you’re struggling with it. It’s really manipulative.

AdaColeman · 09/12/2019 08:00

That message he sent this morning is the start of him blaming you for his own unacceptable behaviour “you had an issue “ and “Your (sic) clearly having a hard time with things”.

Then he says he won’t contact you to give you some space, but this isn’t done in kindness, this is done to yank your chain, in the hope that you will immediately apologise and grovel a lot.

He expects you to be devastated that he won’t be contacting you, it’s his way of telling you to keep in line and do what you’re told.

So don’t contact him at all, ignore, ignore and then ignore some more. He won’t expect that, and for a change it will be him on the back foot, not you.

CallmeAngelina · 09/12/2019 08:10

Oh, well done him! He's made it all about him, by blaming you for your "attitude."
Please don't fall for it and back off now you've come this far.

chrisski33 · 09/12/2019 08:10

As a guy all I can say is get rid! What a horrid man! If I were you I'd leave a list of what he needs to do with the kids etc and then you go away for a week for a break and whilst in your break arrange a divorce!

Kit19 · 09/12/2019 08:21

He needs to get to fuck!!

My god how the hell do you put up with this appalling control freak?

Helmlover1 · 09/12/2019 08:23

OP I mean this with all due respect but do you think it’s because you’re not in a good place emotionally (your own words) that you’re putting up with this controlling man’s behaviour? And I mean this kindly, but no happy, confident woman would bow down to her husband’s ‘orders’ the way you are or allow herself to be enslaved. And most decent men don’t behave like your husband.

Please show your husband this thread so he realises that his controlling behaviour is not normal. I hope you find the courage to leave this manipulative, emotionally void individual- you deserve a kind, respectful partner who values you and sees you as an ‘equal’ as opposed to a servant.

MerchantOfVenom · 09/12/2019 08:26

It's never good advice to show men like this the thread you're discussing him on.

He will not take kindly. Guaranteed. And it will jeopardise the OP's safe place to talk about this.

AdaColeman · 09/12/2019 08:31

Don’t show your husband this thread, that would not end well.

chrisski33 · 09/12/2019 08:31

@Helmlover1 I wouldn't be showing this thread to him. Will do no good!

moooove · 09/12/2019 08:40

'You're clearly having a hard time with things' . Jesus fuck. What patronising bollocks. As though having a hard time could be the only reason for not wanting to complete his stupid list.

I'm sorry op. This man is clearly a massive arse wipe.

vitadolce2015 · 09/12/2019 08:41

What @downthestrada said.

He's making about your "attitude", not his behaviour. He's gaslighting you in other words. He needs a reality check. I wouldn't ignore him, I think that's just sinking to his immature level. I'd write back and explain that you're not "having a hard time", you've just realised that being treated like hired help by your own husband isn't normal and that going forward you want to be more of a team. Be calm and lay out the facts otherwise it'll be easier for him to gaslight you further.

If necessary as others have said make a list of everything you do to hold down the fort at home (should be obvious but hey). I am continually shocked at the way some men get away with this shit and many of them don't even realise they're doing anything wrong 🤦🏽‍♀️. It makes me so angry. However there are decent men out there who don't act like this...

PenguinMama · 09/12/2019 08:48

Gah, I really feel for your being in this position but so well done for standing up to him. What a gas-lighting knob.

How would he feel about this list being made public (e.g. your parents or his?) Does he think it's normal or would he be upset at the idea of you showing it to others?

'Cause if he'd be upset then he knows it's the wrong thing to do. And if he wouldn't be embarrassed, then it maybe time to think about planning for an escape.

CallmeAngelina · 09/12/2019 09:15

Why do people suggest showing threads to partners? Is there a person on the planet who would read (predominantly negative) comments from 100s of strangers and think, "yes. I've been a knob. I will change my ways."
He will go even more defensive, deflect from the main issue and make it all about you "betraying" him by gossiping about him on the internet.

Damntheman · 09/12/2019 09:20

Oh HELL no! He can fuck right off with that shit. And then to try to turn it about and make it look like you're only upset about the lists now because you're having a hard time with something else? WOW. Arsehole. Leave him to sulk in silence I would. Fucking hell OP, good for you for telling him to stop.

Tooner · 09/12/2019 09:25

Hope you're doing ok this morning OP after getting that shitty text. He is trying to put you back in your place, obviously he is not used to you refusing to do his bidding. Stay strong and try not to reply.

Helmlover1 · 09/12/2019 09:30

Ok maybe don’t show him the thread but there’s no harm in saying that people have been shocked and horrified when you’ve told them about his lists. If he thinks his lists are normal then he won’t mind you talking openly about them with other people?

The only reason I suggested showing him this thread was because in the OP’s last post she stated that her husband had told her that she was the one with the issue and he wouldn’t contact her for a while to give her time to ‘get over it’, implying his behaviour is perfectly acceptable. Perhaps if he knew that 99% of people think he’s a twat it would be more difficult to argue his case and place the blame solely on the OP.

Original poster
User40465 · 09/12/2019 09:36

I had a long drive to work this morning so managed to think about a few things that’s happened in the past that I’ve done without thinking it was wrong.

He asks me to get all of the Christmas presents for both families and children before he comes home so he doesn’t have to help, which I’ve done. He has also asked me to wrap everything which I’ve done.

If I don’t get the car cleaned he’s not happy and speaks down to me about how he works hard for the things he has and I don’t look after it. He tries to lecture me if I prepare/cook food a different way to him.

This post has really opened my eyes.

I text him back this morning and said, the worst thing he can do is not speak to me when I’m feeling this way and that if he doesn’t want to bother speaking to me then go ahead

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 09/12/2019 09:37

Oh OP. He sounds really unpleasant. Do you still love him? I bet you prefer it when hes away, even with two little ones.
Why is cleaning your job? Sounds like you've 'woken up' after a period of emotional abuse/controlling behaviour.

Womenwotlunch · 09/12/2019 09:43

Op, I am raging on your behalf

He has had it easy by working away from home. You have two young kids to take care of and he has the cheek to send you a list
Un - fucking- believable

2kids1mummy · 09/12/2019 09:48

Well done OP for sticking up for yourself and also staying so calm with him (I would of lost my shit!)

Hope you are ok, you've got hundreds of supporters here!x

spookysamhainwitch · 09/12/2019 09:48

@User40465 gosh op it all sounds very controlling and designed to keep you on a tight leash. When he's home for 3 weeks could you take a holiday? It sounds like you could do with a break. Running a house with two young kids and working is not easy. Having someone add to the workload rather than share it, is someone I'd think very carefully about having in my life long term. It's meant to be a team. A partnership.

user1471449295 · 09/12/2019 09:51

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. Look after yourself OP Flowers

lightbulbshade · 09/12/2019 09:52

OP has your dh got OCD? My dh does and he's would like very much to get away with this in fact prior to having dd I just did all the cleaning and never really noticed how little he was doing. When I had dd standards slipped and I couldn't stay on top of what I once did. One day I snapped and said either he hires a cleaner or he starts to help.
He hired a cleaner that afternoon. I was like you and believed the cleaner would never clean as well as I did and she didn't but my god I would never go without one now. Just knowing you'll get a break and you can still clean if you really want to.
Anyway obviously this doesn't solve the dh problem but I also got to point out that after the cleaner came if it didn't live up to his standards he could top up the cleaning himself. My dh also worked away in a similar manner to yours.

TheReef · 09/12/2019 09:53

Well done OP.

These things tend to creep up on us without us knowing. We know it's wrong but it takes a post like this to really make us realise just how out of order and abusive this type of behaviour is. Keep plugging away, hopefully he'll sort himself out (although I'm not sure he sees any issues with his behaviour). Or you'll slowly get stronger and build a good life for yourself and your dc.

NearlyGranny · 09/12/2019 09:53

He doesn't have to rely on his gut feelings, does he?

He's your DH, so why not tell him if he wants to know what you're thinking, he can ask and you'll tell him clearly so he doesn't need to guess?!

Also that you're a human being, not an unpredictable volcano, so nothing's going to change or be improved by giving you time to settle down.

Good grief, is he going to blame your 'time of the month' for this like a 1950s husband?

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