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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at husband regarding cleaning

493 replies

User40465 · 08/12/2019 09:05

My husband works away 4-6 weeks at a time and around a week before he comes home he sends me lists of everything in the house he wants cleaned. He basically wants the house to look like a show house.

Just to point out i am clean but just not as squeaky OCD clean as he is. I work and have 2 children under 5 so think it’s abit unfair for him to expect it when he could help me when he comes home?

Aibu?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/12/2019 06:56

'Gut feeling'?

It was pretty clear. What's his 'gut' got to do with anything?

GuyFawkesDay · 09/12/2019 07:00

Obviously you have issues Hmm er nope.

OP you have a husband issue, not anything else here.

He's a c*ck and is trying to deflect his shoddy behaviour onto you as your problem, not his. Classic gaslighting.

Now is the time to make sure he gets the message loud and clear you will not tolerate this. And if he carries on making out it's your problem, not his, show him the door.

After all, you can cope perfectly well without him.

wildcherries · 09/12/2019 07:04

He sounds like he's speaking to/dealing with staff and not his wife and the mother of his children. This is appalling. Damn right, I'd "have an issue" with him. Twat.

MummyShah369 · 09/12/2019 07:09

It seems like you have a nice house with a utility etc... so just get a cleaner in and yes make him a list too

RandomMess · 09/12/2019 07:12

I am horrified, utterly horrified that he expects to have 3 weeks at home not working with his feet up whilst you continue to run yourself ragged so he doesn't have to do anything.

No wonder you are feeling run down and burnt out.

Thanks
rowrowrowyaboat · 09/12/2019 07:17

Yeh hes now gaslighting you. Its all you, you with the issues, you not coping. He'l be the victim.
How are you op? Im going to guess pretty confused right now. Keep posting or keep reading. Now is the time to make some changes....either with him or without him.

billy1966 · 09/12/2019 07:19

Well it couldn't possibly be any clearer as to the type of man he is.

No wonder you are wiped out.

Radio silence OP and put together copies of documents in a safe place.

I also think you need to speak to someone to support you.

Who exactly would want that awful selfish waste of space coming home to them.

💐

Tolleshunt · 09/12/2019 07:21

Let me guess, he earns more than you, and therefore thinks that means you should do more all of the household tasks?

As others have said almost unanimously (there’s always one) - his demands are outrageous. He is not the boss of you.

His text and general lack of care about your wellbeing (why is he concerned about setting up ‘nothing to do’ for himself, when that means you are run ragged?) speak volumes about how he values you. Sounds like he views you as some kind of service bot, not as a human being he loves and wants the best for.

Time to evaluate what you want, and how you expect to be treated?

Babynamechangerr · 09/12/2019 07:23

Don't be embarrassed OP, it's not your fault you're in an abusive relationship.

Your colleague looked shocked because you're doing a tough job looking after two children with no help and working, and on top of that you're also expected to keep a show home going.

The list is reflective of the fact that he doesn't see you as his equal, he doesn't care if you're tired or stress. I don't think it sounds like he loves or cherishes you.

Are you frightened of him?

Consider this, you already manage as a single parent with no help, would you be happier if you were no longer married to him?

TreeTopTim · 09/12/2019 07:24

What a dick your husband is.

When is he home? Do you have a few days to have a think about what you want to do.

If it was me I would be gathering paperwork ready for divorce.

Weenurse · 09/12/2019 07:25

Time to leave him with DC for a few days and go to a nice hotel yourself

TickleMyTitsTilFriday · 09/12/2019 07:26

I think you need to send him a list detailing everything you do on a daily basis. Including working and and the childcare and wife work. Your list will be huge. He obviously needs showing in detail exactly what you do everyday to facilitate his working away. Then hopefully he'll feel ashamed of his stupid list Angry.

Backinthebox · 09/12/2019 07:29

I’m the one who works away in our house. I employ a cleaner to keep the house to my standard so it’s nice when I get back - I do not expect DH to do any of that beyond basic normal tidiness because I know he is at home with 2 kids and a job of his own. I also employed a full time nanny for the duration of my trips away when the kids were below school age, as being the lone parent at home and trying to juggle work and childcare is not conducive to sanity. I also spent half an hour on Skype home every day before their bedtime when the kids were little - helped me and DH work out how the family and home were going, and the kids and I like to chat to each other. By not keeping in touch he is keeping an image in his head of a happy family at home without doing anything to maintain that image, and by ‘giving you space’ he is being downright neglectful if your needs for support. The fact that you can’t even tell him he is being offensive when any sane person can see he is without him sulking is sad. He sounds as though he needs a complete reset in his expectations but you’ve facilitated his expectations for quite a long time, so it’s going to be hard.

wibdib · 09/12/2019 07:32

Op any chance he could be reading what you’re typing on your phone and/or computer?

I don’t know how to check for these things but hopefully somebody will be along who can tell you what to loook out for...

joystir59 · 09/12/2019 07:33

I bet you are really looking forward to him coming home OP (not)

Equanimitas · 09/12/2019 07:37

Text back: No need to stop communicating, as I said you simply need to stop sending me instructions as if I were your servant.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 09/12/2019 07:40

My exh was an absolute thundercunt about the cleaning. Once told me, when I’d recently had a baby and my Mum had come to help with the baby that as a result “the house should be spick and span”.

Ironically his house now is a tip to the extent a shared nanny we used to have left (she didn’t want to work in it) and my dd complains about it.

AllyBamma · 09/12/2019 07:44

Wow it just gets better and better doesn’t it. He’s really gaslighting you! Or at the absolute best, he’s being completely ignorant to the fact that he’s the reason you’re upset and has no insight to how outrageous the cleaning list it.

I’m sorry OP but I would be having a jolly good think about whether your future includes this arsehole

billybagpuss · 09/12/2019 07:45

Did you answer OP?

lifecouldbeadream · 09/12/2019 07:47

Oh OP, what a shock this must have been for you.

My DH works away and I do try to get the house nice(ish) and kids presentable not killing each other when he gets home, because I miss him, and want to spend time as a family when he gets back. I prefer it when it’s clean and tidy tbh.

That said.... he wouldn’t dare say a word if it was not. I’m with the other posters, if you’ve never held the fort, you don’t know how hard it is to do it. I’m one agreeing with the radio silence, I’d also agree with PP, make a list of every single thing you do, all the ‘wife work’ admin, household and child related stuff, and say to him..... this is MY list, I don’t need asking to do it, it just gets done. See what he says. I’m disappointed for you that his response wasn’t what you’d hoped. Hopefully a bit of time will make him think/realise what an arse he’s being. If not, then perhaps it’s time you thought about how happy this situation makes you. If he’s away all the time, you‘re practically a single parent anyway.

CoalTit · 09/12/2019 07:50

I hope you're feeling all right today, OP. Stay strong. You have definitely done the right thing by standing up for yourself and I really hope things change for you.
Previous posters' advice about getting all the paperwork in order for a divorce is very good even if you don't plan to divorce. You need to know you have alternatives to putting up with a husband who treats you like a maid.

MerchantOfVenom · 09/12/2019 07:52

Let me guess. Your sex life is non-existent, right?

Because who on earth would want to have sex with him? Someone who treats you like a skivvy, and doesn't even like you.

He's sulking? Good. Enjoy the peace. Sulk right back, and give him a taste of his own pathetic medicine.

Thanks
EvaHarknessRose · 09/12/2019 07:54

Him being away so often must leave a huge load on your shoulders, even without this. Glad you found your strength. Keep going and decide for yourself what you want to do in your own good time.

rookiemere · 09/12/2019 07:54

The last bit of the message you posted is meant to get you back into line - is he seriously suggesting he doesn't come home ? I wouldn't bother replying, let him stew for a bit, if this is his only failing then he'll come to his senses soon enough. If it's not well then it's hard to get everything out in the open but necessary.

You did a brave thing OP by letting him know you're not his servant - don't back down now.

TheReef · 09/12/2019 07:57

Wow he's a gem isn't he? All about him, no thought or consideration for you at all.

I could think of a million things to text back but I strongly suspect nothing would make a blind bit of difference. So radio silence it is, he'll be waiting for you to text him back in a panic begging his forgiveness. When you don't I bet you a pound to a penny he'll start the 'we're not right for each other' shut in an attempt to scare you to comply. Good luck op Thanks