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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend takes recreational drugs

167 replies

Emsnaity · 08/12/2019 02:14

Hi,
I am just after some advice on whether I am being unreasonable in my request or any sort of advice on how to go about my situation.

My boyfriend does recreational drugs, a mixture of things from coke, pills and ketamine when he is out with his friends and has done for a while, I never used to like this in the start but came round to the idea as I didn’t want to control his life.
I am currently 29 weeks pregnant and have expressed my feelings to him that once our LG is here I don’t want him taking those anymore simply because I don’t want it around her. I know he would never bring it home but my view is if it’s in him and he’s with her then it’s around her.
Every time I mention this to him he just laughs and doesn’t take me seriously.
Am I being I unreasonable?
Do you have any advice on how I can deal with the situation or a way I can handle it better?
Sorry this post is so long

OP posts:
arethereanyusernamesleftatall · 09/12/2019 21:03

Oh, and Ketamine isn't a horse tranquilliser. Well, it is, but loads of drugs we use for humans are used on animals also.

It's thought of as a horse tranquilliser as American users used to get their K supplies by stealing or otherwise acquiring it from vets (they might still do, I don't know). But in Europe and the UK, the K people use is made for humans.

arethereanyusernamesleftatall · 09/12/2019 21:05

Sorry, that should say disassociative stimulant

bluebeck · 09/12/2019 21:07

ltb

arethereanyusernamesleftatall · 09/12/2019 21:08

Leave him, this won’t improve. I dated someone who was addicted to ketamine years ago and he was an absolute misery to be around. I didn’t take drugs so he would try to do it in secret but would disappear into a hole and wouldn’t even realise I’d left the house sometimes. Ketamine is miserable, it really isn’t attractive and I don’t understand the appeal

I totally agree, people who are addicted to K are the most boring people to be around. It wrecked the scene I used to be part of, as too many people got into it.

Someone who's taking it every so often isn't an addict though. Not everyone who takes it sometimes ends up taking it all the time.

BeatriceTheBeast · 09/12/2019 21:16

It's absolutely possible to be an occasional, recreational user of K without it impacting the rest of your life

Yes, I think I said that in the quote you said was "nonsense".

It's definitely possible to be an occasional Ketamine user, but for the time people are on it or in a K hole, they are not themselves and totally fucked. You can't get any sense out of them etc. Or sometimes they're on the move talking absolutely nonsense.

It makes people behave very strangely, whereas when I see people on coke and having tried it once myself, it doesn't make such a huge difference to the user's functionality.

I would hate to think of a parent getting into the sort of state people are in when they are in K holes. FWIW I would feel the same about parents getting blind drunk.

arethereanyusernamesleftatall · 09/12/2019 21:17

I also disagree with leave him, this won't improve. You're projecting, from your own experiences.

The thing about controlling, abusive arseholes that we often see women post about on these boards is that we usually can predict how they'll behave, we know they escalate and that it's like they've all read a bloody script. So it's absolutely fair enough to say ltb, knowing only a little about them.

But drug use isn't part of a pattern of behaviour like controlling behaviour is. Drug use is VERY common in the UK. As I said upthread, nearly half of all adults in the UK have taken drugs at some point in their past. MOST people who take drugs when they're young grow up into functional members of society. Some don't. A small number are very badly harmed by them.

The OP's BF has youth on his side. He's not 40, engaging in a destructive pattern of behaviour that he's unlikely to change.

The guy is 22 and doing what thousands of of 22 year olds do, every weekend in the UK. There is a good chance he could wise up given a bit of time and a nudge in the right direction. Just telling the OP to LTB is potentially splitting up a family unnecessarily.

JFC I was of my nut at 22! A very respectable member of society now.

Hepsibar · 09/12/2019 21:18

Leave him now, utterly irresponsible. You dont need him especially not now you are having a baby.

PurpleFrames · 09/12/2019 21:21

As an addict in recovery- I say leave him. If he can't give up although it's affecting his life then he has a big problem. Whether or not he uses everyday doesn't really matter. He's choosing drugs over your unborn child already- what's it going to be like once they're born? A serious chat needs to be had because SS will not look kindly on this situation if they found out.

Antibles · 09/12/2019 21:30

He just laughs and doesn't take me seriously

Drug use might be common but the above your biggest problem. He doesn't respect you or your opinions. He'll go his own sweet way on things and I predict he will call you controlling for wanting it any differently on this issue or any other.

arethereanyusernamesleftatall · 09/12/2019 21:30

It makes people behave very strangely, whereas when I see people on coke and having tried it once myself, it doesn't make such a huge difference to the user's functionality.

Yes, you're right that in the short term, K has a much more extreme effect than coke. You might not realise the reason someone was eing a self obsessed arse was because they'd taken a load of coke. And, it's harder to ignore someone so out of it they have no idea where they are or what they're doing.

I guess, lots of people take a little bit of coke and don't see it as a big deal. I suppose if they don't take it that often, it could well be seen as less extreme than K. However coke isn't a nice drug IMO.

If we're talking about regular use, I'm much more wary of coke than K.

It tends to make people arrogant and self obsessed; it's much more addictive than K and the underworld connected to it is much darker. Addicts do desperate things for coke, especially if you think about coke in crack form - thousands of women prostitute themselves for crack. People beg, steal and mug others to get enough money for crack. Women are often raped in crack houses. Coke / crack is controlled by international criminal gangs and is destroying the economies of many countries.

K, on the other hand, is a pharmaceutical drug that's produced for medicinal use. Last time I did any research on this (disclaimer - things may be different now), it wasn't controlled by criminal gangs in the same way coke is. It was acquired in relatively small amounts by dealers direct from pharmaceutical sources, then sold on to users. More of a cottage industry, if you like, than coke. Problem users don't prostitute themselves for K, or beat people up to get money for it. If you move a user out of the world they take K in, they're fine without it.

While users are much more out of it when on K than coke, it's not nearly as addictive or dangerous. It doesn't turn people into absolute low lifes IMO, although it does make regular users very boring.

BeatriceTheBeast · 09/12/2019 21:40

As I said, earlier in the thread, I am very against cocaine use, due to the devastation caused for people along the supply chain. I regret ever trying it. It was completely stupid and I would never do it again.

But, being around people on ketamine can be very unsettling in a way that being around someone on coke isn't. People might be self obsessed arseholes on it, but they are more like themselves and more aware.

BeatriceTheBeast · 09/12/2019 21:45

Sorry more like themselves and more aware, when they are on coke I mean as opposed to people on ketamine.

aSofaNearYou · 09/12/2019 22:07

I have to say it's so common for people to do this at this age I honestly wouldn't be that worked up about the fact that he does it. I think the biggest issue is what it says about his maturity. He's a young dad who you feel still needs to get a party lifestyle out of his system, he hasn't taken your concerns seriously (suggesting he might not take other changes happening due to the baby seriously), so I would be worried about how often he expects to go out when the baby is born, rather than whether he will take anything when he does.

He won't be able to regularly make a thing out of going on a bender and leaving you alone to care for the baby while the affects wear off, you get a lot of women here who's partners refuse to cut down on the amount they go out with the lads and leave too much of the parenting ton their partner. But if he was going out the occasional, reasonable amount that isn't putting too much on you (once every few months maybe) then I wouldn't be too concerned.

I would focus on how seriously he's taking the impending responsibility.

Swimtobreathe · 09/12/2019 22:17

I agree about the K hole thing. But in some ways that can be a protective factor - I've known plenty of people on the ket scene, but I've never known anyone who would use it as anything other than a big night out (or big night in) thing - something to do when you've got a clear night & nothing to do the next day.
Coke creeps up on people because most people can get away with using it and still come across as 'sober'. Not that anyone starts taking it on nights out and plans for it to become more frequent, but it's easy for it to happen. Buy enough for a night out, have a bit spare at home, next time start before the night out out, or have a pick me up to help the hangover....
One of my relationships ended because my boyfriend started using coke more and more. Neither of us realised at the time, but low level frequent coke use (he worked in the entertainment industry in his early 20s and it was frequently available when he was on shift as his boss used it) had an effect on his personality. Nothing so drastic that we realised it was that, but he gradually became more short tempered, irritable, and arrogant (eg he could no longer laugh off a drunk customer being rude to him). We split up because we were arguing over stupid stuff. When he changed jobs the habit stopped, so I wouldn't say he got to the point of being an addict (though was certainly heading down that path) and his personality started to soften. It definitely had an effect we only realised with hindsight - he got in touch with me at a later date to apologise, and we stayed friends. Plus, we're all older and wiser now and he's much more aware of the risk to his heart etc now that he's got kids of his own.

I do worry about how seriously OPs bf is taking her concerns, it's hard to know if it's because he won't take responsibility or if it's because he has unrealistic expectations about what parenting involves (which lets be honest, isn't unusual for partying twenty two year olds!)

Beaverdam · 09/12/2019 22:28

Urgh what a dirty pig. That would turn me straight off him. Stinking bastard also has a baby on the way and doesnt care.

BeatriceTheBeast · 09/12/2019 22:33

Coke creeps up on people because most people can get away with using it and still come across as 'sober'

Yes, I definitely agree. It's because it's easier to get away with that it is more dangerous. People even do it at work in offices etc and it's notoriously common among people working in fashion and TV. Nobody takes ketamine at work! So people are less likely to use it chronically.

But anyway, I also agree with what pps have said, that the biggest problem is the OP's bf laughing at her when she brought this up. Surely he appreciates why she wouldn't want him to be, fairly frequently, using drugs when he has a baby. Even if it's every other weekend, or every month, that must take its toll on his personality and health. It isn't something I'd laugh at and it does make me wonder how mature he is. Not saying LTB, but I would definitely expect a serious conversation about it.

Noti23 · 11/12/2019 01:46

@Nixen
“YABU for having a baby with a druggie. I hope your midwife has reported this and you’re watched like a fucking hawk when the baby arrives. Good luck explaining to social services that he’s dad of the year because he pays for some stuff”

You’re a nasty little twat head. Imagine saying this to a vulnerable pregnant woman.

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