Boyfriend takes recreational drugs

[Emsnaity]

Hi,
I am just after some advice on whether I am being unreasonable in my request or any sort of advice on how to go about my situation.

My boyfriend does recreational drugs, a mixture of things from coke, pills and ketamine when he is out with his friends and has done for a while, I never used to like this in the start but came round to the idea as I didn’t want to control his life.
I am currently 29 weeks pregnant and have expressed my feelings to him that once our LG is here I don’t want him taking those anymore simply because I don’t want it around her. I know he would never bring it home but my view is if it’s in him and he’s with her then it’s around her.
Every time I mention this to him he just laughs and doesn’t take me seriously.
Am I being I unreasonable?
Do you have any advice on how I can deal with the situation or a way I can handle it better?
Sorry this post is so long

OP, please ignore the moralising on this thread from those who haven't a fucking clue what they're on about, saying he's risking dropping down dead etc, it's just nonsense.

I'm not saying it's great that he's out taking drugs and that you should put up with it, far from it. But that, at 22, there's a much higher chance that this is a phase of his life that he's going to grow out of. I've seen it happen to plenty of my friends. 20 years ago, most of them were taking massive amounts of drugs. These days, you'd never know. They're professionals with families.

This concerns me:

Every time I mention this to him he just laughs and doesn’t take me seriously

Lack of communication, and him not taking your very valid concerns seriously isn't good.

This is very good advice from a PP:

Asking him to completely change his social behaviour now is unlikely to work. He will struggle to stay away from the drugs if everyone else is caning it on their nights out with him.
All you can do is ask him but you risk pushing him into being dishonest with you which in some ways is worse.
He’s got to come to the decision himself, anything else just won’t work.
You need to decide what you want and then get it with or without him.

If he's taking a drug cocktail including coke and ketamine prepare to bury him. He's depressing his CNS to dangerous levels where a few mg more will mean he doesn't wake up one morning. Ketamine, JFC.

This is total and absolute bollocks!

Both coke and ketamine are stimulants. They don't suppress the central nervous system. Drugs that do that are the opposite of stimulants, things like opiates, barbiturates and alcohol, which slow down breathing and heart rate.

Coke and ketamine speed it up. Ketamine was used as a "buddy" drug in vietnam, with soldiers carrying it to give to wounded comrades. It was used as it was a relatively safe drug, Hard to OD, doesn't slow the CNS.

How dare you try to scare the OP with absolute nonsense like that and go on to tell her she's going to bury her DP. WTF? Is this a game to you?

She's pregnant and in need of advice and support, not fear mongering based on total ignorance.

OP, please ignore this poster, this person hasn't a fucking clue what they're on about!

The only place this path will lead you to, is more emotional pain and fear than you can ever imagine

If he's an addict, then yes. And coke is addictive, so that's a possibility that OP should certainly consider.

However, her DP might just be a 22 yr old who dabbles every now and again, and will grow out of it at some stage - same as several thousands of young people who take drugs but don't become addicts.

Honestly, the black-and-white moralising on this thread is out of control.

(I should have said, alcohol only slows your heart and breathing if you drink a stupidly large amount!)

A good dad is around for his DD and DP, shouldering the load, not part-timing it staying at his parents' whenever he fancies getting wasted.

Laughing at your concerns after saying he'd stop shows you where you and you DD are in his priorities - not high.

Prepare to be a single mum or to be keeping two dependants, I'd say. If seeing his DD doesn't make him swear off the drugs, consider whether it's wise even to to put his name on the BC. It gives him entry to your life for the next 18 years, remember!

Why not explain you don't want to control him, you want HIM to control him? (And not the drugs.)

It would give him a fair chance to step up as partner and father if you left his name off the BC with the commitment to put it on when DD turns one if he has stayed clean, faithful, supportive and reliable for the whole year? You are the judge of that, btw, not him!

No second chances because this IS his second chance. Otherwise you need to detach now. Parenthood is better done alone than with a disrespectful druggie in tow.

Ha! Thanks @SimplySteveRedux

OP, please ignore the moralising on this thread from those who haven't a fucking clue what they're on about, saying he's risking dropping down dead etc, it's just nonsense.

If he was taking ketamine by itself it'd be relatively safe, inter cranial pressure the biggest risk. Combining ketamine with a CNS depressant like coke, or heroin, vastly exacerbates the effects on CNS. NCBI has loads of cases.

"Why though?

Because they enjoy it & find it fun, @Ginger1982. Why do you think? Same reason people like to get pissed once in a while, or a junk food binge. Or trainspotting, whatever."

Sad, very sad if drugs are what you need to find your fun.

I'm the scumbag who isn't going to get worked up about occasional drug use, it's very common and for many people it never goes further than that. Lots of people have healthy relationships and parent whilst taking occasionally taking drugs in a responsible and planned way. It's not ideal to have a relationship/baby with someone whose lifestyle doesn't really fit with yours though.

You can't stop him from using drugs but you can put some clear boundaries in place as you've already mentioned.

Don't let him back in the house if he's been using if that's what your red line is.
The drugs he's taking mostly have a short half-life so won't be in his system the next day. MDMA can be a bit longer.

I think the problem you have is an immature partner who doesn't seem wiling to discuss this rationally.

Messonli, they will check if someone reports them. Also, how can you compare alcohol and drugs? You can safely consume a set amount of units a week of alcohol and not be drunk or doing any damage. Abuse of alcohol is the issue, not alcohol in general. You can't snort a set amount of lines of cocaine per week and do no damage can you? There's the difference. There's no comparison. 2 glasses of wine = fine, 2 lines of coke = no time limit on when it will wear off and you certainly can't look after children and would have a lot of questions asked if you turned up on the school run having had taken cocaine!

I don't even drink hardly either or take drugs (obviously). I just don't understand parents that put themselves in a position of doing something illegal and dangerous for what? A high? Really irks me and I find it very selfish

@ParkheadParadise I’m so very sorry for your loss. X

Hi OP

I voted YABU not because I think it's fine to take drugs around kids, but because you've got pregnant with him without discussing this and are now telling him what to do. It's not unreasonable for him to think that because you were fine with it before and you havent mentioned him stopping when you wanted to try for a baby, that he wouldn't have to change. The fact he's laughing shows you have completely different views on this.

I think the best you're going to get out of him is some rules like no drugs in the house and no taking drugs when in charge of the baby. It's up to you whether you can live with this or not. It would piss me off the fact he was putting his health at risk but then I guess lots of people do this in other ways (being obese, skydiving etc). How are his come downs?

To all the people on this thread who thinks it OK to take drugs.
Hope you feel the same when your child is injected themselves in the groin because it's the only vein they have left.
That started out as recreational drugs occasional

Or your child is so unrecognizable that you are not allowed to see her in the mortuary because the evil bastard who murdered her was so high on drugs he didn't know what he was doing

Not recreational drugs. Just drugs.
Just because he takes them with friends, doesn't make it any less serious!

Do you want your child to be raised by someone who does drugs and sounds like they put them in front of you and your child OP?

Sad, very sad if drugs are what you need to find your fun.

@Ginger1982 is it?
Are you able to articulate why that is, or are you just regurgitating received opinion, because you are coming across as ignorant & judgemental.

If you have ever had a glass of wine, because you enjoy it, then you are drinking wine for fun. Apart from the ludicrous hypocrisy, all you are demonstrating is a heedless fear that society or I dunno maybe the daily mail has indoctrinated you with. Millions of people are well able to take drugs occasionally & recreationally. There's no sadness in it, for those who are able to manage their consumption. Exactly the same as afor alcohol users.

Messonli, they will check if someone reports them.

@JenniferM1989 You are not being very logical here. Who would "report them", & why would they bother? Do you actually believe that the SS have a crack team (pun intended) complete with the resources & legal permission to immediately descend on the reported person's house with a drug testing kit? How would they get there in time before the Evil Traces Of An Occasional Drug has already left the person's system? Do you have any notion at all how the real world works?

Your somewhat incoherent rant about the "safety" of alcohol vs: drug use is also seriously flawed. Alcohol damages people just as quickly, in many cases more quickly, as non-legal poisons. There are guidelines about what alcohol consumption is considered safe. There are no similar drug guidelines purely because drugs are not legal.
It is perfectly possible to take small amounts of drugs occasionally & remain safe & healthy. However, people who know jackshit about drugs get hysterical due to the illegality, & their own misguided conviction that all drug taking is a slippery slope that will result in disaster.

If you don't believe me, ask any GP.
Booze is more addictive than heroin.
Booze destroys more lives than illegal drugs.
Yet booze & tobacco - the biggest killers- are legal. Go figure.

Not sure who the pp is who posted about being coked up on the school run but unless that person had done massive amounts of coke there’s pretty much no way any teacher or parent would detect it in the very small period of handover in the school playground, partly why coke is such a popular drug, people don’t know you’ve done it unless they know what to look for or if you’ve done a lot and keep sniffing, popping to the loo every five minutes or rampant talking which could also happen with alcohol. Nobody without experience would notice until the use becomes problematic and even then, once a person has a problem with coke they’re very adept at hiding it.

I think alot of the people on here talking about the effects of cocaine have never actually taken cocaine.

Not everyone who takes recreational drugs becomes an addict, infact most don't.

That's like saying if you drink once a week then it will lead to you becoming an alcoholic.

Leave him. The people defending recreational drugs are thoughtless and selfish. Whatever whining arguments you put forward about liberty, as the world currently functions, buying these drugs means supporting murder and human trafficking. If he is prepared to do that to have fun, that speaks volumes about your DP.

The risks of coming to harm are also very real, which isn't great, but less of a deep breaker.

I voted YABU simply because you knew what type of person he was beforehand so to demand him to change now is unreasonable.

You should have thought about this before you got pregnant.

LTB

Was only a matter of time until that argument was brought up.

Take it everything you have ever worn or eaten has no unethical ties whatsoever?

YABU for having a baby with a druggie. I hope your midwife has reported this and you’re watched like a fucking hawk when the baby arrives. Good luck explaining to social services that he’s dad of the year because he pays for some stuff

Treatment Agency (NTA) estimated the cost to the NHS of treating drug misuse at around £500m a year. The total cost of alcohol misuse to the NHS in England has been estimated to be as much as £3.5bn a year.

Those figures does not include the methadone programme.