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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend takes recreational drugs

167 replies

Emsnaity · 08/12/2019 02:14

Hi,
I am just after some advice on whether I am being unreasonable in my request or any sort of advice on how to go about my situation.

My boyfriend does recreational drugs, a mixture of things from coke, pills and ketamine when he is out with his friends and has done for a while, I never used to like this in the start but came round to the idea as I didn’t want to control his life.
I am currently 29 weeks pregnant and have expressed my feelings to him that once our LG is here I don’t want him taking those anymore simply because I don’t want it around her. I know he would never bring it home but my view is if it’s in him and he’s with her then it’s around her.
Every time I mention this to him he just laughs and doesn’t take me seriously.
Am I being I unreasonable?
Do you have any advice on how I can deal with the situation or a way I can handle it better?
Sorry this post is so long

OP posts:
LlamaofDrama · 08/12/2019 09:00

I'm saying YABU because you expect him to change... not because you want him to. I'd not tolerate that around my child either, but neither would I tolerate it in my partner.

I think you need to get him to have a serious talk, where you know what the outcomes are that you'll accept (eg his definite assurances backed up by evidence that he'll stop, or you go) and then be prepared to follow through. He's not taking you seriously at the moment. If it really bothers you then he needs to take you seriously.

northernknickers · 08/12/2019 09:06

You seriously need to ask?? Seriously?? Wake up!

DeathStare · 08/12/2019 09:15

Your request is not at all unreasonable. However, it is entirely futile. If he was any sort of a decent parent who valued his child, then he wouldn't need asking. If he needs you to request this off him then it is highly unlikely he cares enough to actually do it. Do you you want to be with someone who cares so little about your baby?

Babybug2 · 08/12/2019 09:17

Hi,
Thank you for your responses as Lgxo it is not every weekend it’s just when he’s out with his friends be that once a month or whenever they have an event planned.
He is not a bad person and have no doubts that he will be an amazing dad as well, and always but the baby and me first for anything, we’ve been together 6 years.
When I first fell pregnant he understood where I was coming from asking him not to take anything and had also come to the solution that if he was going to be taking stuff he would stay at his parents house afterwards or a friends until he was right the next day.
But now all of this has changed, I don’t know whether it’s just his way of getting “it out if his system” before the baby comes as he is only 22 and the first of his friends to have a baby

Loopytiles · 08/12/2019 09:21

Deal breaker.

NotYourHun · 08/12/2019 09:22

I think there’s a big difference between very occasionally dabbling at a festival or party and being out every weekend taking anything and everything. I know plenty of parents who may have the occasional wild night but are excellent parents the rest of the time. I would however have expected that he would have stopped or significantly limited his drug use by now, out of respect for your and the baby.

musicposy · 08/12/2019 09:23

He will not be an amazing dad if he's taking drugs and he isn't putting the baby or you first or he wouldn't be doing it still. You need to wake up and leave him. Honestly, a drug taking 22 year old as the father of your child - what were you thinking? But too late now.

Calmingvibrations · 08/12/2019 09:24

Well it’s not you and the baby first for anything is it?
He’s so clearly going to prioritise going out, getting wasted, coming home late / not at all when your knackered sleep deprived and in need of practical and emotional support.

I suppose at least he’s honest in that he isn’t even going to try and change. I give him that.

Loopytiles · 08/12/2019 09:28

Plan to be a single parent.

DelphiniumBlue · 08/12/2019 09:30

The thing is, it will impact on you. If you carry on with " stay away while you're dealing with the comedown", then that means you will be dealing with the baby by yourself for the day every time he goes out with these friends.
You may decide that it's worth it if he's great in other ways, and if you have backup from other people.
But if you've been up all night with a crying baby and just want a few hours sleep, and he can't provide cover for you because he's still feeling sh it from last night, you'll be quite resentful.
T he only way this might work is if you make arrangements to go away/ have your mum to stay every time he goes out. So that might need to be less than once a month, and with notice and consent from you.
It's important that he doesn't assume the baby is just your responsibility and that he can't just opt in and out on a whim. If he is saying there will be times that he will not be looking after the bsby, then it's only reasonable that he makes sure you won't also be opting out that same weekend. It's not you being controlling, it's that he needs to be aware of his responsibilities, and if he's going to unload them on you, you need to be consulted.

Inliverpool1 · 08/12/2019 09:31

How old are you ?
Why is he having a child at 22 if he has anything left in his “system” I thought 30 was the norm now for exactly this reason

DeathStare · 08/12/2019 09:32

have no doubts that he will be an amazing dad as well

Mums don't have to ask "amazing dads" to not take drugs. They do that automatically.

(BTW... name change fail OP)

Inliverpool1 · 08/12/2019 09:37

We all have different standards. To some an amazing dad is one that pays the bills, doesn’t hit them and just goes on a bender once a month.

Kpo58 · 08/12/2019 09:42

LTB. He will be no good around your baby whilst on drugs.

If nothing else, think about all the money he has wasted. It could have been a cot for the baby, a pram, babygrows, etc. It could have been spent on training to better himself and get a better paying job or even savings towards a deposit for somewhere to live, but nope all of it on drugs. Drugs come first, second and third.

CallmeAngelina · 08/12/2019 09:44

And how do his parents feel about him crashing at theirs after a drug bender (when he could/should be at home, helping to care for his child)?

AuntSpiker · 08/12/2019 09:49

'Amazing Dads' don't take drugs. It's that simple. In your shoes I'd issue an ultimatum: your family or drugs, choose.

Babybug2 · 08/12/2019 09:50

Kpo58 He does have a well paid job which involves him working away, he has requested with work that he be based at home once the baby is he here so he can be a hands on dad.
He has been the one to pay for everything for our baby as he earns more than I do and he has also paid the deposit for our house which we are moving into beginning of January. I say our house as it was always his priority to make sure I was on the mortgage as well so I didn’t feel like I was just living in his house.
I think maybe my initial question has been lost.
Is there anyone else who’s partners do take recreational drugs only occasionally like once or 2 a month or sometimes not at all in one month?
I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable asking him to cut it out completely of his life?
Does this mean me asking him that he has a leg to stand on that if I go out with my friends have a drink that he can say the same to me about coming back to the baby?
As oppose to his age, I am the same age as well and yes it was a big surprise that we fell pregnant but for both of us being young parents wasn’t an issue.

gracepoolesrum · 08/12/2019 09:55

Honestly this isn't going to be a popular opinion here but I don't think taking drugs once a month is that big a deal for someone without kids (and isn't addiction). If this was about getting roaring drunk once a month you wouldn't be getting anywhere near this judgement. But @delphiniumblue is right about the practical implications of any type of wild night out. It's going to end up feeling very unfair to you that he gets to check out for a couple of days when you won't have that luxury.

Dutch1e · 08/12/2019 10:03

If his drug use is on par with going out drinking with friends every few weeks then I think you are being a bit unreasonable, yes. Being against a particular substance just on principle, when he has never hidden anything from you, feels like moving the goal posts.

Nights out naturally decrease or stop for a while when a baby is born. If they don't, and you feel stuck at home unsupported, then it would be an issue for me. But the drug of choice (alcohol or otherwisr) is neither here nor there as it doesn't sound like he has a dependency.

Dutch1e · 08/12/2019 10:04

X-post with gracepoolesrum, slow typing!

CallmeAngelina · 08/12/2019 10:06

I don't call once or twice a month "occasionally."

Neverender · 08/12/2019 10:07

My brother did all of the above and worse. It all stopped when he became a Dad. See what he does. If he doesn't stop then you have no choice but to leave.

GunpowderGelatine · 08/12/2019 10:09

I don't usually peddle the "LTB" line but honestly he's not going to stop and it won't end well. He's too immature to be a father. Leave

Mummadeeze · 08/12/2019 10:20

I took recreational drugs until I got pregnant at 35 and stopped completely at that point (am 45 now). It was totally easy to stop and I haven’t wanted to take them again now I am a Mum. BUT, if you had asked me to stop when I was 22 I think I would have felt differently. I definitely wasn’t done with that lifestyle and clubbing etc by that point. So, it might be hard for him becoming a Dad so young. I don’t agree with people saying leave him etc. That is extreme. He might find becoming a Dad makes him want to slow down and be more responsible. I would express your preference for him to party less and to obviously not take drugs around your child and then wait and see what happens. If he feels like his whole life, and probably friendship circle, has to stop immediately because he is a new Dad, he may become resentful. Better he comes to that conclusion himself.

Swimtobreathe · 08/12/2019 10:23

I do have a few friends who had similar situations - big group of friends who were into clubbing and large houseshares (which meant house parties & a fair amount of drug use of ketamine, pills and less frequently, coke). One couple had a suprise pregnancy, moved out and both left that lifestyle behind for a few years. I have known them use recreationally since, they're still quite 'alternative' - but it's with strict parameters, was only when the children were older, and frequency was probably once or twice a year, as it was at festivals. They were also much more careful about what and how much they were taking. Their partying is equal - each gets a turn - which is why it was when the children were older, ie old enough to stay with family for a weekend.
Two other friends became pregnant from that group, one of the boyfriends thought he was going to carry on that lifestyle and did during the pregnancy but he did change when the baby was born. They're not together now, but he is a hands on dad. Once baby was here I think the responsibility hit him. The other couple it didn't work out and she was a single parent from the off, he was not ready to be a parent and going out with mates was still far too important to him. I don't think that was particularly about the drugs - he wanted the single lifestyle of going out with mates, consequence free. No excuses for him, if he wasn't ready to be a parent he should have used contraception.

What stands out to me about your post is not so much about the drug use but his expectation that he can still keep part of the lifestyle of being young and not having responsibilities once a month. And his expectation that that's ok. For parents I do know who use, there's reasons it's so rare (eg festivals) - the additional risk to health (not just from the drug itself, but the unknown, eg what its cut with) the financial cost, the practical difficulties of sourcing, eg because of being more risk averse about buying (no longer being prepared to buy in a club, not risking dark web/posting to home) and the amount of time it takes to recover (feeling fluffy headed for a few days is not good with a young child)

What's difficult to know from your post is whether it's because he's naïve about what is realistic as a parent, (which many people are about all sorts of things, like their social life, gym, sleep etc) or whether it's because he's actually going to put this lifestyle first. Unfortunately you and he might not know that until the baby is born. And you do need to think about how you would manage as a single parent because if it is the latter then it's not ok.

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