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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend takes recreational drugs

167 replies

Emsnaity · 08/12/2019 02:14

Hi,
I am just after some advice on whether I am being unreasonable in my request or any sort of advice on how to go about my situation.

My boyfriend does recreational drugs, a mixture of things from coke, pills and ketamine when he is out with his friends and has done for a while, I never used to like this in the start but came round to the idea as I didn’t want to control his life.
I am currently 29 weeks pregnant and have expressed my feelings to him that once our LG is here I don’t want him taking those anymore simply because I don’t want it around her. I know he would never bring it home but my view is if it’s in him and he’s with her then it’s around her.
Every time I mention this to him he just laughs and doesn’t take me seriously.
Am I being I unreasonable?
Do you have any advice on how I can deal with the situation or a way I can handle it better?
Sorry this post is so long

OP posts:
TammyKat · 08/12/2019 14:11

LTB, my ex was like this and now doesn’t see the kids

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 08/12/2019 14:23

I have no issue with people taking drugs, their body their choice. But i would not be with someone who goes on a regular benders once children are added into the equation.

I have a huge problem with illegal street drugs due to violent abusive crime from seed to distribution.

If he was single and drugs were legal, i would say fine, knock yourself out. As it is he will soon have a family and is using drugs covered in misery and blood, so be prepared to go at being a parent on your own.

Ginger1982 · 08/12/2019 14:23

Why would you choose to have a baby with this man? 🤦‍♀️

MitziK · 08/12/2019 14:24

Even experienced drug users fuck up from time to time. Cocaine is the major cause of premature deaths from heart attack in young men.

Do you fancy him having one of those when he's responsible for the baby? Telling stories to your baby when they're 7 about their father because they have no memory of him? Having to sell the house because the mortgage insurance doesn't cover drug deaths and you can't afford to keep it on your own? Having your child go to their first day at school, doing a bit about 'What My Parents Do' and them having to say 'My Daddy's Dead'?

That's even before you start thinking about how he affords everything - is he really working and earning loads, or is he topping up his income by dealing to his 'mates'? What if he fucks up at work and they fire him, he can't pay his dealer and they come round, wanting the cash from you? You can't find a particular toy or the buggy mysteriously disappears one day and he says it was stolen, but is sniffing a lot, saying 'I've got a cold/hayfever'?

It's not worth the pain he is going to cause you and your baby.

Inliverpool1 · 08/12/2019 15:05

19lottie82 - that’s certainly not my experience of men on cocaine

dontalltalkatonce · 08/12/2019 15:31

YABU. It's so sad that people choose to have kids with low lives like this. He's not going to stop. Plan to be a lone parent. Leave his name off the birth certificate. Do not give the baby his surname. Stop dating until you work on your self-esteem.

Lifeinthedeep · 08/12/2019 16:55

Some of the comments here are ridiculous. See what he’s like when the baby arrives and then make a decision on whether you believe his behaviour is appropriate or not. People actually think it will be easier to be a single mum with no where to live than be with someone who occasionally takes drugs but is otherwise great. My partner and I take recreational drugs once every 6 months or so and it doesn’t effect how we care for our child. It all depends on whether it effects your relationships, finances and personal health. The same people telling op to leave her partner probably post on Facebook about drinking a bottle of wine every night to cope with their kids.

The snobby, ageist nonsense is offensive as well.

messolini9 · 08/12/2019 17:21

My partner and I take recreational drugs once every 6 months or so and it doesn’t effect how we care for our child.

Not comparable at all, @lifeinthedeep.
You mutually agree to let your hair down a couple of times a year, & no doubt, as this doesn't affect your care for your child, also mutually agree childcare arrangements to cover that.

Conversely, OP's DP takes class A's every time he's out with his mates. That means he can't socialise without drugs. He's an addict.
The OP has asked him to stop & he laughed at her. He has graciously conceded that he will hang out with mates or his parents while he is high & while he gets though his comedown. Lovely - when the baby's here, that'll leave OP in sole parental care whenever he wants to go AWOL.

How soon before he is sick of the responsibility & is leaving OP home alone every weekend do you reckon?
& FYI I'd have exactly the same opinion if excessive alcohol were his drug of choice. Same rules apply - one parent is either too high to be responsible, or too hungover / coming down to cope.

SandyY2K · 08/12/2019 17:32

You stayed in a relationship with him and went on to get pregnant, so it can't bother you that much. I had a BF who smoked weed when I met him.

It wasn't okay with me, so he packed it in. He was free to continue, but I wouldn't have been with him.

Mookie81 · 08/12/2019 22:45

Plaintainchipss Xmas Grin I despair though Xmas Confused.
Patroclus I feel the same way about the excessive drinking. British drinking culture is crap aswell (yes I'm British and yes I like a drink).

Ginger1982 · 08/12/2019 23:15

"My partner and I take recreational drugs once every 6 months or so and it doesn’t effect how we care for our child."

Why though?

JenniferM1989 · 08/12/2019 23:36

It would affect your care of them though if social services ever decided to do a drug test on the pair of you. Why take a risk? Concentrate on your kids and pill and snort yourself up when they leave home if you so wish to be off your face

messolini9 · 09/12/2019 00:05

It would affect your care of them though if social services ever decided to do a drug test on the pair of you. Why take a risk?

GrinGrinConfused
Yeah, 'cos the SS are constantly pouncing on parents who are not even on their radar & randomly drug testing them.

Cut the hysterics FFS.
The SS dont randomly test parents for alcohol either, although it is far more prevalent & does way more domestic & personal damage. Unless you also see fit to scold parents for planning a child-free booze blow-out a couple of times a year you are being a massive hypocrite here.

messolini9 · 09/12/2019 00:08

Why though?

Because they enjoy it & find it fun, @Ginger1982. Why do you think? Same reason people like to get pissed once in a while, or a junk food binge. Or trainspotting, whatever.

lisag1969 · 09/12/2019 00:30

There's no such thing as recreational drugs. He is a user and that's all their is to it. Leave with your baby and put it down to experience. He's obviously not responsible and not grown up enough to be any use to you.

YouAreTheEggManIAmTheWalrus · 09/12/2019 00:33

So I was in a similar situation many years ago. Left the bastard 6 months after DS was born because it was evident he was never going to stop being a selfish dick. Still I personally had almost two decades of hell (mainly due to his MH issues as a result of drugs) and my son had two decades of heartbreak being messed around by an irresponsible selfish father. So I don't have any answers for you, but I just wanted to say please ignore the vicious, holier-than-thou commenters here on their high horses who have never made any misjudgements in life.

Do what's right for you and your baby, whatever you feel that is. Nobody can say what your boyfriend may or may not do once the baby is here, they don't know him and only time will tell. I'd be having a full and frank discussion asap with him explaining your fears and asking for some reassurance that he will step up. I hate ultimatums as a rule but if that was me I'd be making it clear that I wouldn't be allowing my baby to be around someone using drugs, so he needs to think seriously about his life choices.

CarolwithaC · 09/12/2019 00:40

I remember when I used to shoot heroin at the dinner table. I'm not the person to come to for advise really. It's one thing to shoot up over a Sunday dinner with family, it's another to take horse tranquilizers for fun. Thank you though

PsychoticRodent · 09/12/2019 00:52

I'm so very sorry, parkhead ThanksThanks

Drugs are a pervasive master and only he can initiate change. His comments to you suggest he's not willing to get rid of them. In a contest between the high and you & baby the drugs will usually win. Get him to fuck.

PsychoticRodent · 09/12/2019 00:52

I say that as someone previously dependent on drugs.

outherealone · 09/12/2019 00:57

@CarolwithaC fair play, well done, it’s always good to hear about people who make it back x

SimplySteveRedux · 09/12/2019 00:59

If he's taking a drug cocktail including coke and ketamine prepare to bury him. He's depressing his CNS to dangerous levels where a few mg more will mean he doesn't wake up one morning. Ketamine, JFC.

outherealone · 09/12/2019 01:03

Oh Jesus I just saw your update that he’s 22. Fuck that’s young. I have known dads take responsibility seriously at that age but they normally make up for it somehow later on.
Asking him to completely change his social behaviour now is unlikely to work. He will struggle to stay away from the drugs if everyone else is caning it on their nights out with him.
All you can do is ask him but you risk pushing him into being dishonest with you which in some ways is worse.
He’s got to come to the decision himself, anything else just won’t work.
You need to decide what you want and then get it with or without him.

outherealone · 09/12/2019 01:03

@SimplySteveRedux
What is cns and jfc?

SimplySteveRedux · 09/12/2019 01:09

Central Nervous System (aka the shit that makes you breathe), and Jesus Fucking Christ.

blablablabla123 · 09/12/2019 01:11

The biggest problem you are facing, is that your boyfriend has "helped" you to normalize his drug use in your mind and "encouraged" you to believe that expecting him to stop is akin to controlling him.

You, someone who isn't keen on drugs, are seriously considering attempting to co parent a child, with a drug user. The only place this path will lead you to, is more emotional pain and fear than you can ever imagine.