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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend takes recreational drugs

167 replies

Emsnaity · 08/12/2019 02:14

Hi,
I am just after some advice on whether I am being unreasonable in my request or any sort of advice on how to go about my situation.

My boyfriend does recreational drugs, a mixture of things from coke, pills and ketamine when he is out with his friends and has done for a while, I never used to like this in the start but came round to the idea as I didn’t want to control his life.
I am currently 29 weeks pregnant and have expressed my feelings to him that once our LG is here I don’t want him taking those anymore simply because I don’t want it around her. I know he would never bring it home but my view is if it’s in him and he’s with her then it’s around her.
Every time I mention this to him he just laughs and doesn’t take me seriously.
Am I being I unreasonable?
Do you have any advice on how I can deal with the situation or a way I can handle it better?
Sorry this post is so long

OP posts:

SmoothOrange · 08/12/2019 10:25

YABU for having s baby with this low life. He wont change
You will both always be last on his lost of priorities

newdeer · 08/12/2019 10:29

Make him choose which is more important to him. His daughter or his drug habit. Phrase it that way. His choice. His decision will show you what sort of man he is. If he won't give up, I'd make a completely clean break from him now, before the baby is born.

itsmecathycomehome · 08/12/2019 10:30

I think you're worrying about this a few months too late. Most people wouldn't willingly select a user to father their child.

But now you've got a baby on the way, and are about to move into a new home, I doubt you'll leave. Maybe he'll surprise us all and step up once the baby is here.

woogal · 08/12/2019 10:33

You knew he took drugs before you got pregnant so you can't expect him to pack them in now.

If you stay, you need to prepare for the fact that he will be out at weekends till all hours taking them and you'll be at home with the baby. Even more so when the baby is here.

supadupapupascupa · 08/12/2019 10:38

Who can say op? I've been in a relationship where my ex did alsorts and eventually descended into drug hell and prison. My current DH did drugs when out when we met and doesn't do them since we married. Some people can dip in and out, others can't. But I wouldn't have stayed with my dh if he had continued.no child needs that in their life

Newbie1981 · 08/12/2019 10:40

I used to take all this on nights out. Wasn't an addict, just a raver who loved to get on it. Quit as soon as I decided I wanted a family. He doesn't respect the family idea, isn't interested or would change .

Calmingvibrations · 08/12/2019 10:42

Great post swim - I guess time will tell.

Inliverpool1 · 08/12/2019 10:49

And of course cocaine makes you horny as fuck and you can’t come so are you up for him banging away at you for hours ? Or will he be doing that with someone else

RhinoskinhaveI · 08/12/2019 10:50

I just want to second that, your post was brilliant Swimtobreathe, no rhetoric no hyperbole, just calmly looking at the situation

19lottie82 · 08/12/2019 11:09

And of course cocaine makes you horny
as fuck and you can’t come so are you up
for him banging away at you for hours ?
Or will he be doing that with someone else

Erm....... no, it doesn’t? More likely to give a bloke limp dick than make them “bang for hours”

pooopypants · 08/12/2019 11:19

Are you the same OP whose partner was taking drugs at a festival speaking to his mate in a language you don't speak? Eating haribo in a tent?

My main question though: why on earth would you choose to have a child with this person??? You cannot be anti drugs if you've accepted them as part of his, and therefore your life, that makes no sense.

Biancadelrioisback · 08/12/2019 11:37

Before you fell pregnant did you discuss this with your DP? Did you plan your pregnancy?

Plaintainchipss · 08/12/2019 11:38

You knew he took drugs before you got pregnant so ur only choice is to leave I’m afraid

Sunflower20 · 08/12/2019 11:54

Wouldn’t touch with a barge pole situation. You need to leave because he won’t stop.

showmewhatyougot · 08/12/2019 12:00

You have low standards for "a great dad" he pays for stuff? Is that it? Is that all he has to offer?

I'd rather have a partner who is with me mentally 100% of the time, not a child who has to run to his parents or friends house because he's off his face.

You really think someone coming down will want to spend time with a stressed new mum and a screaming baby? It will only drive a wedge if he does not stop.

BrokenWing · 08/12/2019 12:23

This will be blunt, you knowingly chose a drug user as your partner and you chose to have a family with someone you knew was a drug user, how can you expect him to suddenly become something he isn't and had never pretended to be? He won't change for you, he won't change for your child. He doesn't have a problem with him taking drugs, you do.

You now leave yourself with the choice of whether you raise your child with a drug user.

Mookie81 · 08/12/2019 12:29

I clicked YABU because only a fucking idiot would willingly get pregnant in that situation .
And anyone on here who says 'oh it's no big deal, I still do/know people who still do drugs with kids'; scumbags the lot of you.

Plaintainchipss · 08/12/2019 13:02

Mookie81

That made me chuckle. 😂

Patroclus · 08/12/2019 13:22

People being slightly over the top here. Its no different to the apparantly hilarious 'wine o'clock' bullshit, but people are willing to turn a blind eye to that as its middle class mums. There will be loads of your husbands hoovering up cocaine as well.

He still should stop, but hes not an 'addict' or ok for people to be making nasty comments to op about her choices.

Instagrrr · 08/12/2019 13:33

Did you think by having a baby it would make him stop?

It will mean you are stuck at home with a baby and he will still be out doing it

Good luck!

Oysterbabe · 08/12/2019 13:45

Anyone who takes drugs has blood on their hands. They're funding organised crime, people trafficking and murder for their own selfish pleasure. They're scum as far as I'm concerned.

messolini9 · 08/12/2019 13:54

When I first fell pregnant he understood where I was coming from asking him not to take anything and had also come to the solution that if he was going to be taking stuff he would stay at his parents house afterwards or a friends until he was right the next day.
But now all of this has changed, I don’t know ...

I do.
He tested your boundaries with his initial "understanding" that he would be such a saint as to change the location of his drug-taking.
When you accepted that, you gave him a green light to continue.
Now he can take your acceptance for granted, he is pushing the boundaries further.
Dont be surprised if he's snorting coke off the hospital bog lids while you give birth.

RedSheep73 · 08/12/2019 14:03

Yabu for planning to have a baby with a drug addict. You get that sort of thing sorted out before you get pg, not after!

OpportunityKnocks · 08/12/2019 14:06

I'm seeing some ott responses on here.

What ever you do, do not call him a drug addict!!! He'll laugh in your face and ignore every concern you have on the topic. And tbf, the people saying 'drug addict' are being ridiculous.

I would ask him not to risk his health, not to jeopardise the custody of his children (regardless of how small the risk), and not to risk his judgement around the baby when, inevitably, drugs will still be in his system after the night out.
Acknowledge that these are all small risks, but it seems very little to ask for that peace of mind when drugs can be dangerous, just for the sake of a night out being a bit more wild than just alcohol.

I think the challenge is that even if he agrees, peer pressure will be there when he's with mates all doing drugs.

zukiecat · 08/12/2019 14:07

Parkhouse

I am so sorry to read your sorry, one of the saddest things I've ever seen on here.

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