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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend takes recreational drugs

167 replies

Emsnaity · 08/12/2019 02:14

Hi,
I am just after some advice on whether I am being unreasonable in my request or any sort of advice on how to go about my situation.

My boyfriend does recreational drugs, a mixture of things from coke, pills and ketamine when he is out with his friends and has done for a while, I never used to like this in the start but came round to the idea as I didn’t want to control his life.
I am currently 29 weeks pregnant and have expressed my feelings to him that once our LG is here I don’t want him taking those anymore simply because I don’t want it around her. I know he would never bring it home but my view is if it’s in him and he’s with her then it’s around her.
Every time I mention this to him he just laughs and doesn’t take me seriously.
Am I being I unreasonable?
Do you have any advice on how I can deal with the situation or a way I can handle it better?
Sorry this post is so long

OP posts:
HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork · 09/12/2019 13:13

Leave him before the baby arrives. Seriously he won’t change and you will spend the rest of your relationship being let down by him- and so will your child.

Morgan12 · 09/12/2019 13:28

Oh my good God. SS will not be watching someone like a hawk because of recreational cocaine use. Ffs some of you live in a bubble!

You do realise just how many people take cocaine? Midwives included.

EKGEMS · 09/12/2019 13:36

Morgan12 Cocaine use is shit serious both casual or otherwise. Move along if you honestly think cocaine is no big fucking deal. A midwife using it? Of course healthcare workers can have drug addiction they're a diverse group and are humans and prone to doing stupid and dangerous habits.

Morgan12 · 09/12/2019 13:46

Using cocaine recreationally is not drug addiction.

I know two midwives who use it.
A doctor.
Three teachers.
A nursery nurse.
An accountant.
Can keep going but would take me a while.

Chances are you know lots of people who do aswell.

arethereanyusernamesleftatall · 09/12/2019 14:26

OP, the moralising on this thread is ridiculous. Most of these posters haven't a clue what they're talking about, please ignore them.

The biggest issue is he's not taking your concerns seriously. That is a sign of immaturity - he might grow out of it or he might not.

Maybe post again in relationships about that aspect of your relationship for more reasonable advice (maybe under a new name).

AIBU is full of agro posters who just like to pick at people.

WhyIsItSoCold19 · 09/12/2019 14:56

Booze is more addictive than heroin? What planet are you on?

Also, the fact that something is illegal makes it wrong. You're not only playing with your health but with the chance of getting arrested or charged with something. No responsible parent should put themselves in that position and there's plenty of people that would report a parent using drugs, I am one of them that would. No child should have to witness their idiotic parent 'coming down' from being off their face. A parent isn't going to 'come down' from a beer or two so stop making comparisons between the two. Having a few drinks a week is not on par with taking any illegal drug

mencken · 09/12/2019 14:59

saddo drug user who can't have fun without chemicals.
waster of money
criminal
supporter of county lines, gang violence, knife crime and cuckooing.

offer a choice - his family or the drugs. And then watch him choose the drugs.

sorry. Get ready to be a single mum.

Ginger1982 · 09/12/2019 15:36

"Millions of people are well able to take drugs occasionally & recreationally. There's no sadness in it, for those who are able to manage their consumption. "

FML this is ludicrous. I'm quite happy to be perceived as judgemental towards people who feel the need to indulge in illegal substances, whether they can 'manage their consumption' or not 🙄

Patroclus · 09/12/2019 15:39

Why is the idea of booze being more addictive so ridiculous? because heroin is the big scary word you heard at scool and every scary thing said about it must be automatically true?

arethereanyusernamesleftatall · 09/12/2019 16:03

I'm quite happy to be perceived as judgemental towards people who feel the need to indulge in illegal substances, whether they can 'manage their consumption' or not

Yeah, your desire to be judgemental isn't helpful to the OP though is it.

HomeEdRocks18 · 09/12/2019 16:58

Leave him.

mencken · 09/12/2019 17:02

there's no help for the OP unless she helps herself by dumping this loser. Bringing up a child with a druggie parent is not fair on the child.

druggie just laughs. Shows how much respect he has for the OP. Clue = none.

messolini9 · 09/12/2019 17:13

Booze is more addictive than heroin? What planet are you on?
Earth, @WhyIsItSoCold19 - & here is a handy Earth fact from people more qualified than you (because if you were, you'd know your facts).
www.addictioncenter.com/community/these-are-the-5-most-addictive-substances-on-earth/

Also, the fact that something is illegal makes it wrong.
Grin Grin Grin [grin Grin
Oh, is THAT a 'fact' on your planet too, you daft brush?
Your thinking is a little muddled.

Government rules do not dictate morality or ethics.
Nelson Mandela committed many illegal acts in in his freedom fighting heydey. His actions were illegal, his government went so far as to label him a terrorist. Are you seriously suggesting that Nelson was "wrong"?

& before you knee-jerk another silly response to that, no of course I'm not likening a drug taker to a hero like Mandela. I'm merely illustrating that governments are not arbiters of right or wrong, they are merely rule-setters.
According to our government, tobacco is legal. Does that make it "right"? You know damn well it doesn't. It's a killer. It is WRONG. But I don't see you clutching any pearls over tobacco ... 'cos the governent says it's ok, so you feel it must be, huh?

messolini9 · 09/12/2019 17:16

I'm quite happy to be perceived as judgemental towards people who feel the need to indulge in illegal substances, whether they can 'manage their consumption' or not

Ha ha ha ha ha there are an awful lot of School Prigs polishing their prefect badges on this thread.
Does your condescention also extend to people who feel the need to indulge in legal substances, or is it purely the rule-breaking you disapprove of, you silly sod?

Ginger1982 · 09/12/2019 17:27

"If you don't believe me, ask any GP.
Booze is more addictive than heroin."

The article you linked to states heroin 'takes the number one spot as being the most addictive substance on the planet.'

arethereanyusernamesleftatall · 09/12/2019 17:28

This is getting ridiculous.

45% of the UK population have taken drugs at some point in their past. Are 45% of the population "druggie losers"?

The people I know who took loads of drugs aged 22 (approx 20 years ago or more) include:

a head teacher
several teachers
several IT people, mostly pretty senior now
a marketing professional on over £100k
several people working in the charity sector doing really worthwhile stuff
nurses
academics (currently lecturing at university)
a solicitor
a very well paid accountant

Most are parents.

I do know people who were affected badly by drugs. And some who died, sadly (none of my friendship group but people we knew socially).

But the vast majority of people I know who took drugs are now respectable members of the community, as they grew up as the OP's BF might. He might not, but no one can say for sure on the scant info we have about him.

Anyone on this thread who says they know for sure either way is projecting or has some other agenda.

BeatriceTheBeast · 09/12/2019 17:35

Heroin cannot be used recreationally though can it? And the op hasn't said he uses it.

I know people who use cocaine very occasionally at the weekends. I have even tried it once myself - very stupid idea and I wish I hadn't tbh, but I obviously didn't suddenly morph into an addict. I disagree with it morally because of the supply chain and how devestating it is for all involved, which is why I would never take it again. But there are plenty of people who do without becoming addicts. Michael Gove for one!

I think a lot of this depends on how often, how much etc.

messolini9 · 09/12/2019 18:01

So it does @Ginger1982 - excuse me - I has meant to 'most harmful' not 'most addictive', & stuck with the wrong phrase when posting.

www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/news/20101101/alcohol-more-harmful-than-crack-or-heroin#1

Whattodoabout · 09/12/2019 18:02

Leave him, this won’t improve. I dated someone who was addicted to ketamine years ago and he was an absolute misery to be around. I didn’t take drugs so he would try to do it in secret but would disappear into a hole and wouldn’t even realise I’d left the house sometimes. Ketamine is miserable, it really isn’t attractive and I don’t understand the appeal.

BeatriceTheBeast · 09/12/2019 18:10

Again, not everyone ends up addicted to Ketamine. However, I've seen people on it and it totally fucks them up. Even just temporarily. I would hate to think of a parent being on ketamine (for non medical reasons obviously). People go to work and snort coke in the loos (not that this is at all a good thing) and they can function. Ketamine turns people into something else entirely.

Obviously, nobody would say being on drugs around children is ok in any circumstances, but even being away from your children and then using ketamine... no. It's the sort of thing people take and then even if someone was trying to get you to understand something had happened like your baby had to go in to hospital they would just look dazed.

I have never (that I know of) seen people on heroin, but I wonder if it's similar?

Patroclus · 09/12/2019 19:56

Something like only 30% of heroin users are addicts

Patroclus · 09/12/2019 19:58

I functioned for years going to work on heroin, but it makes you very short tempered and irritable. Its like being in a comfy blanet and people are shaking you all the time.

messolini9 · 09/12/2019 20:00

@patroclus & that's only 30% of the only the ones we know about. Illegal activity isn't conducive to self-reporting! So in reality is probably lower.

Still more deaths & damage from alcohol, though, mainly due to prevalence - social acceptance & the heavy marketing that goes on around booze.

arethereanyusernamesleftatall · 09/12/2019 20:59

Again, not everyone ends up addicted to Ketamine. However, I've seen people on it and it totally fucks them up. Even just temporarily. I would hate to think of a parent being on ketamine

Again, more nonsense.

Ketamine isn't physically addictive in the way heroin is, nor do people get hooked on it in the way they do coke / crack. People used to say it wasn't addictive at all, but having known lots of people who took it far too much, I'd disagree with saying it's totally not addictive. I'd say there are some people who find it compelling / very hard to leave alone. I've known a lot of people who took a lot of K, and I've never seen anyone desperate for it in the way addicts of heroin or crack are.
Having said that, for people who take it regularly, tolerance goes up very quickly; regular users find themselves taking more and more to get the same effect.

Ketamine is an anaesthetic. It's quite unusual for an anesthetic in that instead of sedating the user (slowing the heart and breathing down), it's a disassociate stimulant, meaning it works by separating mind from body, while increasing heart rate and breathing. This means it's useful as an anesthetic particularly for patients for whom you don't want to suppress heart rate / breathing - it's safer than most anaesthetics. Much harder to OD. It's often given as a pre-med, as it works so fast. Particularly to children and old people IIRC.

You absolutely wouldn't want anyone on K while looking after a baby - in the same way you wouldn't want anyone very drunk looking after a baby. Small amounts of K make people wobbly and unaware of their surroundings / where they're putting their bodies. Large amounts make people appear to pass out. (In fact they're in "k holes" - a dreamlike state, totally out of it but experiencing hallucinations inside they're heads and unaware of where they are or the outside world at all).

However, K is short acting. It wears off relatively quickly and doesn't leave users hungover. You bounce back much quicker that alcohol. From a safety point of view, someone who'd taken K the previous night is arguably a lot safer to look after a baby than someone who'd got blind drunk, as the drunk would be hung over or maybe even still pissed. The K user would be their normal self.

Someone who takes K every so often, out of the house, doesn't have a habit and doesn't do it anywhere near the baby is NO risk to the baby at all on account of K use.

I have never (that I know of) seen people on heroin, but I wonder if it's similar?

It's a little similar to heroin in that if you take lots, it knocks you out, but working on different body systems. Psychologically, it arguably does have similarities to heroin. Purely anecdotal, but it seems to me that the people who develop a problem with it K, find a similar appeal to heroin, in that it takes you completely away from your problems - hence more likely to appeal to people with problems they want to escape from, and more likely to develop problematic use.

K can be damaging to the body if you take loads, it recrystalises in your bladder, for example. Those who don't take much of it probably won't have an issue with it. But very high-dose, regular users will may find they're peeing blood as it's damaged their bladder. Also, like any stimulant, too much is not ideal for anyone with heart issues.

I haven't researched it for years (don't do it any more) so there may be other risks I don't know. When I used to take it, it was legal to possess in small amounts.

I went off it over 20 years ago as I got bored of it, and very bored of those around me not being at all communicative. When I still took loads of drugs, I liked taking a little bit as part of a cocktail of drugs as it heightened the effect of some other drugs (e.g. MDMA and LSD).

It's absolutely possible to be an occasional, recreational user of K without it impacting the rest of your life.

The issue with the OP, again, is her BF laughing instead of talking to her on a level.

TowerRavenSeven · 09/12/2019 21:02

Illegal drugs for recreation are a deal breaker for me.

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