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Original poster

To regret doing this? What should I do?

175 replies

uahlyaday7 · 07/12/2019 11:08

I've namechanged as I don't want to be outed.

Last night I went out for a drink with my friend. He's gay but he has a daughter from when he was denying that he was gay.

He had a pint and then he started flirting with me. Saying I was sexy etc.

He asked me if I would want to go to his place to watch a film because he didn't want to get drunk. I said yes and he carried on flirting with me. I don't know why but I kissed him and then we ended up sleeping together

I really regret this. And don't know what to do.

I'm going to see him later as im going to my works Christmas party and he said he would come with me if I wanted to go because I didn't want to go alone (im the only single person at work and they are going to bring their partners).

OP posts:
Auradal · 07/12/2019 12:17

I don't think he's gay. Bisexual probably.
He's had a daughter by a woman when he "was denying he was gay".

Does he have sex/relationships with men?
Has he actually said he's gay? You say "you know" he's gay.

Anyway, you should have a chat with him about it to clear the air.
It sounds like he could be bisexual and fancies you.
You need to find out where you stand with him and then decide where to go from there.

lovemenorca · 07/12/2019 12:22

He sounds horribly sleazy

Notodontidae · 07/12/2019 12:25

You may have dropped your guard because he said he was gay, clearly he is not, you probably had a few drnks as well. Either end it now, and admit it shouldn't have happened, or carry on with the romance in an open and honest way.

Original poster
uahlyaday7 · 07/12/2019 12:25

Yes he's had relationships with men. And hes said he's gay.

I'm going to message him.

I also regret it because we didn't talk after or anything he told me to go because it was late. And it will probably ruin our friendship or something.

OP posts:
ISmellBabies · 07/12/2019 12:30

He's not gay! He's bisexual. And if he kicked you out during the night, having invited you over and shagged you, because "it's late" then he's not a friend either, he's a knob.

alittleprivacy · 07/12/2019 12:31

You know what? I think first and foremost here you need to forget about him and what he is thinking and sort through your own feelings here. From what you have posted here, I suspect that you are attracted to this man and would actually prefer to be more than just friends. Having always viewed him as gay it was easy enough to be friends and know anything else was out of the question but this has truly stirred up your feelings. So now the very most important thing for you is to work out both what you really want and what will be the actual best way forward.

Do you want to just go back to your friendship? Genuinely? Or deep down would you prefer to start a relationship? If it's the latter then maybe you need to rethink your whole friendship because he isn't your friend, he's a guy you have a crush on and who you have had sex with. If you are just going to go on as friends will that hold you back in moving on with your life? What if he wants to give the relationship a go? Are you ready for that shift in how you view him?

Whatever you do, take it slowly and give yourself space. Your feelings about everything are just as important as his. In fact, to you, your feelings are actually more important. You need to do what's best for you in the long term and prioritise your best outcomes, not his.

PicsInRed · 07/12/2019 12:31

He's bisexual.

He likely took advantage of your drunken state.
He then booted you out "as it was late so protective. Hmm

He's probably done the whole "I'm gay so I'm safe to drink with late at my house" routine on loads of women.

He's no friend. He's a predatory cunt.

ActualHornist · 07/12/2019 12:32

Nearly everyone is at least potentially bisexual TBH. (Please, all of you, don't waste your bandwidth bellowing that you are not. No one cares.) but you cared enough to add this to your post?!

I regret it because he's gay and I know nothing else can happen and because we are friends @uahlyaday7 he’s not gay. Gay men don’t sleep with women. Especially when they’ve previously had a child because of denial.

Bottom line is, you slept together and it might just have been circumstance but it might be he likes you. I think you need to send a text asking what last night was about as you’re not sure how to feel about it.

IdiotInDisguise · 07/12/2019 12:32

The only thing I am sure about is that you don’t need to worry about the work do. Just cancel going with a silly excuse, they are always crap anyway.

Concentrate on yourself and what is important. There are two options on this, you make a big fuss about it or you continue as it never happened, but what option to take depends on whatever the reason that is making you feel so uncomfortable right now.

Do you have feelings for him? Do you feel used? Would he spill the beans at work? What on him is what you fear? Once you know, just tackle that and you will feel much better.

MrsAJ27 · 07/12/2019 12:33

Well he clearly isn't gay...send him a txt that was mentioned up thread and get on with your day

BeatriceTheBeast · 07/12/2019 12:38

I also don't like that he may have taken advantage of you being not just drunk, but also under the mistaken assumption that there would be nothing sexual about going back to his place? Or did you assume otherwise?

He is probably bisexual, like lots of people are, but maybe he prefers men most of the time.

I have snogged so many of my friends, including women (I'm more or less straight) and a gay man (who doesn't seem to be bisexual. He is gay), but all fun and games with nothing at all sexual about it. I think the sex crossed an obvious line then him asking you to leave was bound to make you feel bad. He hasn't been protective of you at all here.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/12/2019 12:40

Both of you were (I assume) a bit tipsy and a 'biological instinct' took over. No big deal if you don't make it one. You aren't the first friends that this has happened to and you won't be the last. It doesn't need to ruin anything. If you don't let it sit there like the proverbial elephant in the room eventually it'll become one of those 'what were we thinking?' memories that makes you just shake your head and give a rueful laugh.

Send Sn0tnose's text. It gives you both an 'out' and clears the air regarding any 'assumptions' that either of you may make.

I'm assuming he used a condom. If not, do consider having an STD test done.

Sparklybaublefest · 07/12/2019 12:43

yes, and beware of donating blood for a while op

willloman · 07/12/2019 12:43

What JadeDragon23 said. Reckon he's not being entirely straight (!) with you Grin

Original poster
uahlyaday7 · 07/12/2019 13:21

I've messaged him to ask what he thinks but he has seen the message but ignored me.. I'm not worried about him telling people at work as he works at his dad's business and there's only his dad and his friend (my ex) that works there. He might tell his friend but I'm his friend aswell.

I did have feelings for him but I've moved on now.

I don't know if i want to go to the work Christmas party but I don't know what I'd say especially if he still wants to go.

OP posts:
Vanhi · 07/12/2019 13:31

Either he’s bisexual or this is the most ridiculous situation I’ve ever heard

I think the words gay/ straight/ bi are just too limiting to cover a whole range of human sexual behaviour. I'm straight and female but a find beautiful women far more attractive than ugly men. I don't describe myself as bi because I haven't acted on it. I suspect as SGB says many humans have an element of bisexuality going on.

OP it does sound as if in this case your friend may play the "I'm gay" card to get women to let down their guard with him. He doesn't sound very pleasant - particularly since he booted you out afterwards rather than letting you stay the night.

Original poster
uahlyaday7 · 07/12/2019 13:31

And no when he invited me back to his place i didn't expect it to be sexual.

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 07/12/2019 13:32

Did you use contraception?

And I agree that people are all potentially gay.

My ex-husband turned out to be bisexual (with an eventual preference for men) but we had two DC together.

The thing is, OP, do you fancy this man - would you like to take things further with him?

Savingshoes · 07/12/2019 13:32

Your friendship isn't going to be the same from now on which will be sad that the friendship is over (as it was) but think positive, you may still be able to move forward from this.
I'm uncomfortable with him being your ex's colleague... he may have wanted a bit of what your ex had/get revenge/a rise out of him by using you.
Either way, Christmas do is a great opportunity for you to talk things over.

diddl · 07/12/2019 13:33

Why would it be up to him about the Christmas party?

If you don't want to go then don't!

If you do but not with him then do that.

He sounds horrible.

I've been treated better by ONSs!

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2019 13:33

Well he's not gay. Bisexual sure, but not gay. Gay men don't have sex with women for the fun of it.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/12/2019 13:38

i have snogged so many of my friends, including women (I'm more or less straight) and a gay man (who doesn't seem to be bisexual. He is gay), but all fun and games with nothing at all sexual about it.

Eh? What is snogging if not sexual? Confused. Acting? Done for show to entertain onlookers? Attention-seeking?

EstrellaGalicia · 07/12/2019 13:39

What @ISmellBabies said

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/12/2019 13:39

I would be sending a text saying “well. It’s clear you’re not gay then. So what’s the real story?”

Original poster
uahlyaday7 · 07/12/2019 13:42

I did fancy him before but I don't know if i want a relationship with him. I don't know if he did it to show off to my ex but I was with him when I was 16 and it was only for a few months and then we realised we were better off as friends.

OP posts:
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