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Can we tell them not come for Xmas?

337 replies

Tactful10 · 06/12/2019 21:50

Namechanged. Elderly parents in their 80s, both with mobility problems and dementia. DF's dementia has taken a turn for the worse - he;s got frontal lobe problems which mean he moans out loud a lot of the time, complains constantly, is rude, demanding and whiny.

The expression No Filter could have been invented for both of them. DM is similar, and they fight, but not as deranged as DF.

We are worried that their behaviour - the loud cries of pain (no physical cause, doc says it's attention getting), the fighting, the unfiltered whining - will frighten dcs 16, 18, and 10. It frightens me and DH, and we're both knocking 50.

Can we cancel them? if so, how.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

899 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
SarahNade · 09/12/2019 10:05

OP, is there any reason why they need to stay 5 days, let alone 9? Even 2 days? If you're only 81 ks away, that's not that far. Our local major town is 69 ks away, and many people commute there and back every day. 81 is not much more. In fact, you could collect them first thing early morning, and drop them back home that afternoon/evening. There is no reason for them to spend one night. We have relatives that live almost 1 thousand ks from us, and even they, or we, don't even stay for longer than one week, sometimes 2 or 3 days.

Why do they even need to spend one night at all? The drive doesn't sound far enough that they would need to stay overnight. Yes, I realise you all may have a drink or something, but really, staying even one night is not necessary. If so, one night is definitely enough, they can go back the next day, surely.

Regardless, I would recommend you don't have them for Christmas, get their son to have him. And no, you are not being unpleasant or selfish or any of those. I am often shocked at how heartless and how little regard people on here have towards children. A recent thread had people thinking it was ok for 4 years to go to funerals and see relatives crying and upset. The amount of people on here who have no regard at all whatsoever for the rights, and for the emotional and psychological welfare of children is scary, and I secretly pray some of these posters are not parents in real life, because to them, the rights of the adult come before children. Children must always come first, and imagine the lasting effect seeing their GF like that will be? People who are attacking you are the heartless and selfish ones who don't seem to have any concern for a child.

norfolkforever · 09/12/2019 10:44

I used to work in care homes/ EMI units, we saw alsorts of demntia.

Its frightning stuff! and I was trained!

As staff we fully understood why relatives stayed away if mum/nanna was a shell of themselves (nasty, vilolent etc). As staff, hard as it was we could leave at the end of a shift! It was hard caring for say a chap who was sweet, gentle, well mannered become violent, aggressive, sexually inapprpriate etc. but we did it. Also caring for a lady who we knew was in her former life well educated, dressed and behaved as a lady, gentle etc become spiteful, violent, smearing shit anywhere!!

OP in your situation go to them, for a day do xmas day there on boxing day or something? spoil them there..... FL demntia is scary to an adult, dont expose it to CHILDREN!! get onto SS as well. Of course SS will drag their feet now, YOU are PROVIDING 9 DAYS OF FREE CARE!!!! that youre not trained in!! call SS and tell them you`re not doing it fullstop.

PrettyPurse · 10/12/2019 09:50

@Tactful10 how are you?

Tactful10 · 12/12/2019 10:33


They're not coming. DF is medically fit to travel but the GP also says he 'doesn't think it's a good idea'.

GP caught sight of DF in waiting room expressing his own, er, unique personality and then saw DM running away down the high street refusing to take DF home.

We've made arrangements for them to go to Dbro, but they've already sabotaged those.

OP posts:
ScrimshawTheSecond · 12/12/2019 10:45

I think that's for the best, Tactful. Hope you can take some time to look after yourself this year, it sounds like a really stressful and difficult situation for you.

TatianaLarina · 12/12/2019 11:33

Brilliant news.

I’d just go over one day after Christmas - you and DH without the kids and make a day of it for them.

GingleJangleScarecrow · 12/12/2019 11:36


I haven't been able to read most of this thread as it reminds me of the most distressing Christmas I (and my kids) have ever had.

I am so pleased for you that this has been resolved without your Christmas being a total nightmare and I hope that your parents can begin to allow the help that they need.

Equanimitas · 12/12/2019 11:44

Is the GP doing anything more about what s/he saw? I would have thought it would give rise to quite serious concerns.

roisinagusniamh · 12/12/2019 12:03

So who will look after them?

maddening · 12/12/2019 12:05

Is there no way your dm can force the issue to get df out and to a home? It sounds like she can no longer live with him?

Otherwise could your dm move out? Then surely df is too much of a danger on his own so force ss to do something?

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 12/12/2019 12:50

Will the doctor be obliged/required to make some kind of referral to whatever agency looks after senior welfare? If your mum ran away from your DF, then I'd think the Dr would have to be concerned about potential neglect or abuse.

I know she wouldn't, but the Dr doesn't necessarily know that. But if a parent ran off refusing to take a child home because of their behavior a Dr would call SS like a shot. We need to take the same care with our aged population.

(Sorry, not in the UK so I have no idea who that would be)

SnuggyBuggy · 12/12/2019 13:34

It seems like the only way to get SS to take this sort of situation seriously is to refuse to do any care yourself. It can be a bit give an inch take a mile

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