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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can we tell them not come for Xmas?

337 replies

Tactful10 · 06/12/2019 21:50

Namechanged. Elderly parents in their 80s, both with mobility problems and dementia. DF's dementia has taken a turn for the worse - he;s got frontal lobe problems which mean he moans out loud a lot of the time, complains constantly, is rude, demanding and whiny.

The expression No Filter could have been invented for both of them. DM is similar, and they fight, but not as deranged as DF.

We are worried that their behaviour - the loud cries of pain (no physical cause, doc says it's attention getting), the fighting, the unfiltered whining - will frighten dcs 16, 18, and 10. It frightens me and DH, and we're both knocking 50.

Can we cancel them? if so, how.

OP posts:
Orangeblossom78 · 07/12/2019 16:17

It is neither 'brutal' nor at all too late- several weeks till Christmas. What a lot of nonsense. Why are you guilt tripping the OP.

Goldenchildsmum · 07/12/2019 16:22

Yes it could be awkward with their behaviour, dementia isnt easy for any party involved.

Some of you seem to type to deliberately offend or maybe you're just stupid?

Dementia is multi faceted and layered

It isn't a one size fits all brain disease

Until you have experienced the very very worst of it's manifestations, I do really really wish you'd stop typing crap .... or better still, just stop typing

SunsetBoulevard3 · 07/12/2019 16:23

How does dementia get diagnosed? I am worrying that my mother is beginning to develop it. She seems to have no filter increasingly. I have been a round a few times when she wasn't expecting me to find her appearing dishevelled and disorientated. She was very rude to me recently to the point i haven't spoken to her in three months. No apology of course.
I am worried she is beginning to lose the plot. There are signs that the filters are not in place anymore. Surely she wouldn't be diagnosed unless she was found wandering the streets in her nightie though? I don't know how it works.

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/12/2019 16:23

A lot of people seem to think dementia is about being a bit forgetful, losing things etc - they have absolutely no idea.

Goldenchildsmum · 07/12/2019 16:27

Surely she wouldn't be diagnosed unless she was found wandering the streets in her nightie though?

WHAT? Angry

Goldenchildsmum · 07/12/2019 16:28

A lot of people seem to think dementia is about being a bit forgetful, losing things etc - they have absolutely no idea.

Exactly

No fucking clue and yet they still post crap with impunity

Unbelievable

SunsetBoulevard3 · 07/12/2019 16:30

What I mean Golden, is how would my widowed mother be diagnosed unless she went to the doctor and told the doctor she thought she might have dementia? I don't think she'd do that. So I assume something quite extreme would precipitate a diagnosis? That's what i am worried about.

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/12/2019 16:34

How does dementia get diagnosed? It comes on slowly so relatives don't always realise for a long time. With my mother, she had always been quite a difficult person but she got worse. My dad tried to cover up for her but it got to a point where she was being violent to him and going for him with a knife then he was bruising her arms while he tried to defend himself. I called their GP for advice and they sent a lovely doctor round the same afternoon. She arranged for a hospital appointment at the memory clinic but unfortunately that was three months later and both parents turned on me for involving outsiders. They did go to the appointment and my mum was prescribed something that helped for a year or so until things went downhill and she had to go into a care home. By this time time she had stopped eating, was doubly incontinent and refused to let anyone clean her up. My dad was still trying to cover this up and wanted to look after her himself until it eventually got too bad. It was a complete nightmare, I would rather die than end up like that myself, it is my worst fear.

ScrambledEggForBrains · 07/12/2019 16:42

@saraclara Yes, my MIL has frontal lobe dementia! It is a horrible disease in all of its forms. I also know your parents are not there forever. I also know for sure I won’t be turning my MIL away at Christmas even if she was, and I quote, rude, demanding, whiny, attention getting oh and deranged! but if MIL couldn’t come to us we would go to her! Also we didn’t keep our daughter away from her when she was getting worse we adapted. No wonder OP name changed

FinnsLeftSpoon · 07/12/2019 16:46

I have no personal experience of FLD but I hope I am allowed to post to say that the situation sounds horrific for all concerned and to offer sympathy for the poor OP and her family, including her DPs.

I hope she hasn't been chased away by the familee brigade.

Whatever you do, OP, don't have them over. I am sure you will work out a compromise so everyone's Christmas will not be ruined.

As PPs have said, your DCs will not learn empathy from a last memory of Christmas with their GPs that includes sexual abuse or obscenities or other distressing and traumatic incidents.

And I hope you manage to find a solution for your DPs' long-term care.

Btw, those who voted YABU and are now regretting it – you can change your vote.

Miljea · 07/12/2019 16:55

Some people on here who have never actually seen dementia at its pointy end, aren't there?

I work in health care, and regularly see frightened, bewildered elderly people, from general wards, not necessarily care homes, clawing at everyone who comes near, shouting "effing c**t"; lagged in their own faeces as nurses struggle to clean them up. People who I know would have sooner died than end up like this if they'd had a choice.

Try adapting to that.

ysmaem · 07/12/2019 17:25

I would absolutely still let them come. My grandmother had dementia and she would get really angry and get wound up very easily, would snap at people. She was easily confused and would ask the same question over and over again. Her grandchildren were 14 (me), 11, 11 and 7 when things got bad. She was never excluded on Christmas day, she was invited to all events and I cant imagine not having her there. She's passed away 15 years ago and looking back having that time with her was far more absolutely outweighed anything else. She was incredible woman.

Shesalittlemadam · 07/12/2019 17:31

No, I would not allow a peadophile in my home for any period of time, never mind 9 days!

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/12/2019 17:32

My grandmother had dementia and she would get really angry and get wound up very easily, would snap at people. She was easily confused and would ask the same question over and over again. Did she urinate and defecate everywhere? Did she attack anyone with a knife? Did she undress in front of everyone? Did she think she was a child or a young woman and not understand why things had changed? Did she think she had been kidnapped and imprisoned? If not you were lucky.

Did she know where she was? Did she know who everyone was? Yes? If all the the above were a 'no' that's fine then.

dontalltalkatonce · 07/12/2019 17:34

A lot of people seem to think dementia is about being a bit forgetful, losing things etc - they have absolutely no idea.

This! And even dementia that is not FLD can be utterly awful. It's about someone needing 24/7 skilled care.

dontalltalkatonce · 07/12/2019 17:35

It's a horrible disease. It's a living death.

JoyceJames · 07/12/2019 17:54

I think it would be ok to pick a couple of days over Xmas and visit them, and take the food with you. Stay locally in a hotel if necessary. It's true they won't remember, and alcohol will really add badly to the mix.

PostNotInHaste · 07/12/2019 17:59

There’s a saying that is along the lines of if you have known one person with Dementia then you have known one person with Dementia - point being it effects different people in many different ways. So even those who have had experience within it won’t have experienced what the OP is facing and there is alcohol in the mix too to contend to.

Yes children do need to understand the reality of old age and have compassion for their relatives but very often their childhoods suffer hugely whilst watching their parents be pushed to breaking point with the difficulty of coping with elderly parents with a difficult disease on top of every day life and child rearing.

The reality of a Grandparent with Dementia will be different for all children. My DD found herself sitting in her Grandmother’s urine in the car once and was very upset to hear my Mum call me evil, say I was trying to poison her and she didn’t want to see me again, it did upset her.

There comes a point where you can’t feasibly make Christmas good for everyone and it’s a case of the least worse solution which is the OP’s situation this year. I feel for you OP Flowers

Goldenchildsmum · 07/12/2019 18:01

@SunsetBoulevard3

You go to the doctor either with DM or on your own

Then the doc organises scans, bloods etc

dreamingofsun · 07/12/2019 18:15

how some people on here can think its compassionate to put kids through experiences over christmas (a time they will have particularly looked forward to and remember) that are being described here i cannot understand. Why should the younger generations time be totally trashed in favour of older relatives who probably dont even know where they are and if they do would prefer to be in their home environment which they know.

loutypips · 07/12/2019 18:22

I think a lot of the posters don't realise that all forms of dementia are different and unfortunately, some can cause distressing and inappropriate behaviour, or in he worse cases dangerous behaviour.
Dementia isn't just being forgetful. It can cause complete difference in personality.

OP, I wouldn't have them to stay. You do need SS to step in. If anything, it sounds like your father should be in a home with specialist dementia care. There's no way your mother should be looking after him.

ineedaholidaynow · 07/12/2019 18:31

If the grandparents, especially the GF, get confused/disorientated by staying at OP’s house or having family descend on them for Christmas, would that not be more cruel than not seeing them for Christmas.

All of you who have said that you would see your family however ill they were with dementia might have been making things worse for your family member.

lilgreen · 07/12/2019 18:37

9 days is excessive to have anyone in your house.I’d keep it short.

saraclara · 07/12/2019 18:41

I have already told my daughters that if I develop dementia that involves anger, aggression or disinhibition, I'd rather they didn't visit me. That would apply a hundred times over for my grandchildren.

lilgreen · 07/12/2019 18:41

As for different dementia experiences, a friend’s father forgot he was married and tried to get amorous with his granddaughter who was in her early 20s after stumbling into her bed. It’s not just forgetting what day it is!!