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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can we tell them not come for Xmas?

337 replies

Tactful10 · 06/12/2019 21:50

Namechanged. Elderly parents in their 80s, both with mobility problems and dementia. DF's dementia has taken a turn for the worse - he;s got frontal lobe problems which mean he moans out loud a lot of the time, complains constantly, is rude, demanding and whiny.

The expression No Filter could have been invented for both of them. DM is similar, and they fight, but not as deranged as DF.

We are worried that their behaviour - the loud cries of pain (no physical cause, doc says it's attention getting), the fighting, the unfiltered whining - will frighten dcs 16, 18, and 10. It frightens me and DH, and we're both knocking 50.

Can we cancel them? if so, how.

OP posts:
oohnicevase · 07/12/2019 09:17

When I was a child my nan with dementia used to come and stay , I remember being very scared even as an older teen . Don't put your kids through it if you can help it . He sounds dangerous to have around . I know he can't help an injury but he can help being an alcoholic and that shouldn't be inflicted on your family .

taeglas · 07/12/2019 09:17

Those of you saying op is selfish have no idea. After experiencing first hand having a parent with frontal lobe dementia there is no way op should have her dad for 9 days over Christmas. It would indeed br selfish for him and everybody involved to have him stay.
When a family member has this condition Christmas will not be about the presents and the food but the agony of watching someone who is capable of becoming agressive and behaving inappropriately.

Orangeblossom78 · 07/12/2019 09:18

Maybe a good solution would be to suggest you could visit them for a short visit over the break as less disruptive to their routine / health etc so then you can leave (escape) on your own terms. The DC could choose to visit or not.

PurpleDaisies · 07/12/2019 09:19

It much less selfish to leave them in their own home where they will cope better. It would be easy to plan a Disney Christmas that wouldn’t be enjoyed by the parents.

Ditch the nine day visit and plan to go and see them instrad.

Orangeblossom78 · 07/12/2019 09:20

When I was a child my granny would chase us around with a stick and she thought we were war evacuees, she was tiny and we were so young we thought it was funny more than anything, quite stressful though. It can be disturbing to children.

Bluetrews25 · 07/12/2019 09:23

Tactful10 I also have experience of working with people who have dementia. I can tell you that you do not need to feel guilty about not having them to stay for 9 days. (You will probably feel it anyway, I know)
Cook at your place, then you and you DP leave your DCs at home mid afternoon after having your lunch and pop up, give food to the parents, then come back.
Sell it to your DMum as 'making it easier for you both'.
Protect yourself and your DCs. You DDad has clearly been on the booze a long time and as such was possibly not the nicest man. You reap what you sow. All the threads about dealing with alcoholics advise little or no contact, don't they?
I can honestly say that if I end up with dementia, especially FLD, then I would not want my family to feel that they had to put up with me just because of the date. Chances are I would not be too aware of their absence anyway.

lynzpynz · 07/12/2019 09:29

Oh OP what a nightmare situation full of guilt (for you) and heartache all round.

Dealing with stubborn elderly parents is often a nightmare anyway without adding in frontal lobe dementia, infirmity and alcoholism in one, and additional progressing dementia in the other! Utmost sympathy.

Under no circumstances have them for 9 days, even SS have advised after assessment they need professional help. Tell DM you've won a surprise trip to Disney land or something (they won't know any different) so they will have to have a much shorter visit. 81km (50 odd miles) is a hour or so drive yes? I'd get partner to collect them mid morning, have an early Christmas lunch with them, and drop them back early evening. Yes it's a long drive, yes it's a hassle but will be so much less stressful for you than the alternative. Pack them off with leftovers, puddings etc for the next few days. Have your own smaller immediate family Christmas Dinner again on boxing day. This will alleviate any guilt you feel about not seeing them Christmas day. Explain to the kids what's happening - they are old enough to understand why you are doing things a bit differently this year.

Seperate to this is there any way you could get DF sectioned under mental health act? Immediate withdrawal of alcohol yes would be dangerous but a slower weaning off it under professional care might be possible. I completely understand that is a lot easier to say than have happen.

Hope you can enjoy your Christmas OP, you have a lot on your shoulders, be kind to yourself you are being really considerate and trying to find a way through this as best you can under fairly horrific circumstances.

And as others have said, don't judge till you've walked a mile in OPs shoes.

Evenstar · 07/12/2019 09:35

I visit care homes doing pet therapy, I would say definitely don’t have them at your house. Ideally I would be pushing for SS to get them into a home as soon as possible. I visit several dementia units and have seen aggressive and unpleasant behaviour on occasion which I would certainly not subject children to. I think with the alcoholism as well it is neither safe nor possible to host them, plus I agree with PP that it is more likely to distress and confuse your parents to be out of their familiar environment. Although I take animals in, I often end up sitting with people who are distressed and confused about where they are even though they haven’t gone anywhere 😢

GrandmaSharksDentures · 07/12/2019 09:37

Funny how all the posters telling the OP to "show empathy" have stopped now that others with experience of this condition have come along.

PurpleDaisies · 07/12/2019 09:39

Separate to this is there any way you could get DF sectioned under mental health act?

To what end?

Tartyflette · 07/12/2019 09:43

I'm another one who has had a parent with dementia and agonised over what to do at Christmas. Bloody Christmas, eh? so much angst over one day -- except it's nine in your case. That's beyond appalling.
My DM was in a care home, though, but we still had to make the decision every year. The irony was she didn't even know what day it was. She was very unsettled whenever we took her out of the home and outings were very difficult due to her incontinence and insistence she needed the loo every 10 minutes or so even though she was wetting herself anyway.
(I still can't go back to our local v.naice tea room after she announced loudly that she'd wet herself and her seat was all wet too. And it was soaked.)
So, one year I asked the family if we should bring Mum home for Christmas again. DH said it was up to me, he wouldn't mind but it was lots of extra work, mostly for me but transport and heavy lifting etc fell to him. DS said bluntly 'Not unless you want to wreck it for everybody else, again.'
So that was it. We visited Christmas Eve and Boxing Day, she never knew the difference and was happy in the care home on Christmas Day, they pulled out all the stops to make it really special for the residents and we had a peaceful Christmas at home.
Your parents need lots of support and you're not really in a position to give them all the help they need. Nine days is much, much too long; visit them instead if you can. Even five days will take a huge toll on you and your family.
Before my DM went into the home I was frightened that her condition would be the death of either one of us - and it most likely wouldn't be her.
I really hope you can find a solution OP, my heart goes out to you.

Hopefulmama34 · 07/12/2019 09:45

You should be ashamed - they are your parents!!!!! Have some compassion and empathy and consider teaching your children this too by modelling the right way to treat your own flesh and blood.

PurpleDaisies · 07/12/2019 09:45

You should be ashamed hopeful. Have you bothered to read the thread?

Medievalist · 07/12/2019 09:49

I think op you need to think about what your df would want if he had the proper capacity to make the decision! Would he really want his dgc to see him behaving sexually inappropriately or acting in a frightening way- of course not.

^^ This.

Having witnessed what dementia did to my dm, the thing that terrifies me most about dementia is the thought of my dcs seeing me with it.

There are some really crass comments on this thread about showing compassion. Sentiments which in normal times might be appropriate. But believe me, dementia is a whole new ball game.

Evenstar · 07/12/2019 09:49

Just to add that if you can get care before Christmas they will have a lovely day, a resident at one of my regular homes this week said she would be staying there as she had such a lovely time on Christmas Day that it was better than spending it with family

Goldenchildsmum · 07/12/2019 09:50

You should be ashamed - they are your parents!!!!! Have some compassion and empathy and consider teaching your children this too by modelling the right way to treat your own flesh and blood.

Good god

Have you ANY idea what dementia and alcoholism are like? Have you?

My biggest shock , as I said earlier, is that the OP even CONSIDERED 9 days as an option.

Or any days truth be told

Taking an elderly person who has dementia out of their known surroundings for any length of time is hell for the elderly person.

Shame on YOU @Hopefulmama34

Shame
On
You

dreamingofsun · 07/12/2019 09:51

i think it would be helpful if people who have no experience on frontal lobe dementia didnt comment on this thread.

Reading comments from health experts and those with relatives who have been affected it sounds horrendous and isnt helpful for parents to be out of their own environment. one post nearly made me cry

Ekefox · 07/12/2019 09:51

For the love of God people read the fucking thread!!
I'm sorry for the situation you're in and in no way are you unreasonable.

boomboom1234 · 07/12/2019 09:52

Definitely cancel the trip. Let them know you are going to come and pay a visit on Boxing Day maybe and go out for some lunch.

Dontdisturbmenow · 07/12/2019 09:52

One day it will be you! That's what we forget. We are so hang up with having perfect celebration that we are forgetting that ultimately, it's about family and being together. It's an opportunity for kids to learn about being old and the importance of showing respect....because one day, it will be them too.

Medievalist · 07/12/2019 09:53

OP - in case it's not been mentioned, there is a Dementia section under Health. Might be worth a look. The self-righteous tend not to post there.

Medievalist · 07/12/2019 09:56

One day it will be you! That's what we forget. We are so hang up with having perfect celebration that we are forgetting that ultimately, it's about family and being together. It's an opportunity for kids to learn about being old and the importance of showing respect....because one day, it will be them too.

And when it's me, I DO NOT want to be taken out of familiar surroundings and plonked in front of young people that I might frighten and confuse.

Goldenchildsmum · 07/12/2019 09:57

Absolutely @Medievalist

Absolutely

TheABC · 07/12/2019 09:58

The most compassionate thing you can do for everyone is to cancel the invite and visit them in their own home. Do two Christmas: one for them and one for your family, in a way that causes the least stress.

I don't pretend to have any knowledge of front lobe dementia, but your mother changing the visit to 9 days without consulting you sounds like a cry for help. I would be looking into care homes ASAP and gathering the information you need to get carers in. She may not be in a position to refuse anymore.

JacobReesClunge · 07/12/2019 09:58

Think you might've been a bit optimistic there grandmasharksdentures!

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