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Can we tell them not come for Xmas?

337 replies

Tactful10 · 06/12/2019 21:50

Namechanged. Elderly parents in their 80s, both with mobility problems and dementia. DF's dementia has taken a turn for the worse - he;s got frontal lobe problems which mean he moans out loud a lot of the time, complains constantly, is rude, demanding and whiny.

The expression No Filter could have been invented for both of them. DM is similar, and they fight, but not as deranged as DF.

We are worried that their behaviour - the loud cries of pain (no physical cause, doc says it's attention getting), the fighting, the unfiltered whining - will frighten dcs 16, 18, and 10. It frightens me and DH, and we're both knocking 50.

Can we cancel them? if so, how.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

899 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
Ikeameatballs · 06/12/2019 22:17

I think you should curtail the visit but I’d think that any visitors staying for 9 days were overstaying their welcome by at least 7 days.

Tactful10 · 06/12/2019 22:17

Yes, we're frightened for the DC and I have no problem saying it. DF rolls around, cries out, falls when he's drunk, has to be carried around as he won't use a wheelchair.

In the past he has expressed appreciation of DN's 15-yr-old girlfriends more than vigorously - they were 13.

He won't remember either Xmas day or the other 8, but I suspect we will and that's what worries me.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 06/12/2019 22:18

Just pick them up Christmas Eve and take them back on Boxing Day with a hamper of food , as someone who has lost their remaining parent this year I find your attitude very unpleasant . Your dc are all old enough to understand that the GPs are unwell .

Muchtoomuchtodo · 06/12/2019 22:18

If you don’t let him get drunk then he won’t be drunk. That’s one less problem.

PinkiOcelot · 06/12/2019 22:19


Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 06/12/2019 22:20

9 days 'kin'ell YANBU

How far away do you live? Can you visit them on Xmas Eve - leaving nice things for them, or Boxing Day?

and make your NY resolution to insist that they accept some help and care.

PurpleDaisies · 06/12/2019 22:20

In the past he has expressed appreciation of DN's 15-yr-old girlfriends more than vigorously - they were 13

That’s a drip feed and a half.

1Morewineplease · 06/12/2019 22:22

Oh my days! Their behaviour frightens you? Have you researched dementia/pre-senile dementia? Your children aren’t little, you should talk freely to them .
To be honest.. I’d cancel your ageing parents this Christmas if you can’t cope with them. They don’t deserve your dispassion.
As PP has said... you need to learn some compassion.
Do you really think that families, up and down the land , are freely enjoying the hedonistic joys of presents, good food, the Queen’s Speech and bonhomie?
Many of us will be revelling in the joyous delights of a violent Alzheimer’s sufferer, an alcoholic aunt, a grandad spending his last Christmas on a drip . an abusive partner. The list is endless.

moanyhole · 06/12/2019 22:23

Why aren't they in care?
With dementia and mobility issues and no one with them they need care. Intervene. They dont sound capable of making their own cate care decisions

Tactful10 · 06/12/2019 22:23

DF has to drink, withdrawal would kill him. SS have been informed and are carrying out an assessment urgently.

OP posts:
northerngirl2012 · 06/12/2019 22:23

9 days is way too long, I think you’d have to be saints with normal guests for that long. Can you go to them for a day instead?

Tactful10 · 06/12/2019 22:25

The drip about the poor little 13-yr-old is not exactly an isolated incident. She didn't notice, thank God - we sent all the DC out for a walk pretty quickly.

OP posts:
Muchtoomuchtodo · 06/12/2019 22:26

Perhaps them coming to you for Christmas isn’t the best idea but in that case what are you doing to help and support them atm op?
The situation sounds pretty awful.
Private care can be useful until SS can step in. It’s not ideal I know but at least you know that they’re safe, washed, dressed and are eating.
Times like this you need to step up and put your parents first u TIL the situation is more stable.

OctoberLovers · 06/12/2019 22:26

SS are aware and carrying out an assessment urgently???

How urgently , if they are still an option to come to yours for Christmas

This really isnt on OP...
this two people need help this week, not next month

Pomegranatepompom · 06/12/2019 22:27

I think you should visit them on Christmas Eve maybe, then come back to enjoy Christmas with your family. Could you stay overnight and go in the morning?

I don't get understand why the OP has to sacrifice her Christmas. I suspect the no filter has always been there but worsened with age??
Put your family first OP. You father chooses to drink, so why should you have to endure this?

JudgeRindersMinder · 06/12/2019 22:28

If they both have dementia any behaviour is likely to be a lot worse in any home other than their own. It could actually be borderline cruel to take them away from their own home, and they’re likely to be just as upset when you take them back to their own home (I unfortunately have a lot of experience of dealing with parental dementia, but only one at a time)
I think you need to rethink the whole thing, at the most go and visit them in their own home for a couple of days, and that doesn’t even have to include the 25th.
Sorry you’re having to deal with this , dementia is the pits x

PhoenixIsFlying · 06/12/2019 22:29

Mnnn not so sure about the drunk bit but my father is bed bound and my mother has dementia. I am a single Mother and my wonderful daughter has asd. After work every day I pick my 10 year old daughter up from school and spend an hour or two caring for my parents. It isn't easy, because my day is so busy I normally don't have anything to eat or drink all day until the evening. I have worried as my daughter can sometimes find it difficult but it is teaching her to be a compassionate person. I do this every day not just 9.

GU24Mum · 06/12/2019 22:30

Personally, I'd cut down the visit massively - 2-3 days tops.

Your DCs will cope - mine are 8,11 and 15 - they visit a relative with dementia in a care home. I've stopped taking the 8 year old but the other two are fine with it. I suspect you'll feel guilty if you cancel and won't have a perfect Christmas with them there so rock and hard place unfortunately.

As a PP has said, the reality is that quite a few of us are trying to juggle the "should I have them over" with the " really, I'd rather not" I'm in the middle of a hideous set of emotional arguments and the rest with my parents and really wanted a bit of distance this year but OH has (probably correctly) said that at their age, taking a break from family at Christmas is a risky thing to do.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 06/12/2019 22:30

Her father has dementia @pomegranatepompom. He may not be making an informed choice to drink.
Who is supplying the alcohol OP?

Times like this you have to make sacrifices for your parents. It’s only December 6th so there’s time to get support in place before Christmas.

Pomegranatepompom · 06/12/2019 22:31

But not everyone has to do this Phoenix, That's your choice, doesn't mean OP has to. Also, it is possible to have compassion but not want to care for elderly difficult parents.

category12 · 06/12/2019 22:32

It would probably be helpful if you explained the circumstances more fully rather than dropping in a couple of sentences like bombs.

Hohofortherobbers · 06/12/2019 22:32

Don't you just hate a drip feed, op get it all out now so we can make an informed opinion for you


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Tactful10 · 06/12/2019 22:32

SS have told us already DF is too hard to care for without specially trained help. It's not Alzheimer's, it's frontal-lobe, which is a lot worse.

OP posts:
MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 06/12/2019 22:33

If SS are carrying out an urgent assessment, I suspect this situation could be very different nearer Xmas, and I hope so as it sounds like they both need proper care and not refusing carers.

Surfskatefamily · 06/12/2019 22:34

Personally I'd see them at their home. It sounds like them coming would be bad for them and you.
Definitly spend valuable time with them, but I agree with pp that 9 days away for persons with dementia isn't helpful

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