AIBU to leave for one bad night

[Sherrybabyy]

Fiancé and I went to the pub for dinner last night. I was driving so he had a few beers before the meal at the bar. However he ended up absolutely pissed.

He tried to order another beer and they refused to serve him any more. At this point, he started shouting and swearing at the girl behind the bar, banging his fists on the bar asking ‘why won’t you fucking serve me?! It’s a fucking joke’. I have never seen him so angry. His whole body language changed, he looked aggressive- chest puffed out, shoulders back etc.

He ended up being told to leave by the manager who my fiancé accused of touching me inappropriately out of absolutely nowhere. He squared up to him, almost toe to toe, pointed a finger in this poor man’s face and shouted ‘did you fucking touch my wife?’. He then looked at me at yelled ‘did he fucking touch you?’ In front of the whole restaurant. I have never in my life been so mortified and disgusted by his behaviour.

On the way to the car, he was sick twice in the car park and sick all over himself and my car on the way home.

He doesn’t understand why I’m so angry at him. He left for work today feeling sorry for himself, trying to apologise. He said as he was stepping out the door ‘we could’ve stayed longer, I just needed to be sick’

All that from a 31 year old man.

Why would you excuse that dreadful behaviour- it’s possible to overdo alcohol and not be aggressive and abusive. Sounds like he’s training you to put up with crap. My advice is to leave

OP - it's not just "one bad night" though is it?
Each time you post you mention another incident.
It's starting to build up into a pattern.
Do not marry this man. He has an alcohol problem - he cannot control his temper when drunk. He is dangerous and once you are married and have a child he will just get worse and worse.
He has also shown signs of being possessive.
You are moderating your behaviour to avoid setting him off. I think it's awful that you can't mention the name of some random bloke at work in the context of said bloke telling a joke or amusing anecdote.

LTB. You deserve better than this. Think of your own safety.

"Everything is adding up. There’s just so much coming back to me that at the time I ignored but now is coming back. I’ve tried so hard over the years to not give up and to forgive and give as many chances as possible because he always made me feel like to leave would be giving up on a good thing"

Why does this not surprise me? Because I've read it before. Not written by you, OP, but by many many other women. Man is an arsehole, woman tries to appease, changes herself and her behaviour, walks on eggshells in the hope of a happy life. Man continues to be arsehole, escalating his arseholery. Eventually, the straw that breaks the camel's back is reached.

Leave him, because he's not going to get any better. And every time you tolerate his arseholery he will be emboldened to become just that little bit more of an arsehole. Because you staying with him, he treats as permission.

Yes, you have sunk eight years of your life in this relationship. Walk away. Don't throw good money after bad, future time after times past; it will make no difference. Give yourself a chance of happiness, because you're never going to find it with him. Sorry, but you won't.

And you are marrying him? I’d say you’ve been warned.

He sounds vile 😩

He threatened you with violence for hurting his pride. He sulks if you talk to other men. He cannot be laughed at. And then this incident happens. You can't relax around him, and he never seems to take responsibility for his mistakes.
If it was just one night of bad judgement I'd say stay, but it's not. He'll do this again, and worse.
Even if he wasn't likely to be abusive, he just doesn't sound like much fun. About 80% of my relationship with DH is us taking the piss out of each other, I don't think a relationship can survive without it.

Side note: look up trauma bonding too, for added understanding of why you haven't left him yet. Might be relevant.

Everything's adding up. And the the total it's adding up to is an abusive future. Think very hard whether all this time and effort you've spent so far is worth that end. He's usually lovely, this isn't like him, never done this before blah blah blah. It IS who he is - you're finally getting to see the real thing. The 'him' you've been seeing is a façade. You'd be very wise to end things, and be careful when you do because I think he'll escalate very rapidly.

Reading your posts make me feel
So sad 😞
Because I’ve been in your shoes .....
It gets worse, the guy gets more nasty, you get more passive, guy gets annoyed at you for feeling so broken, and for acting like he’s a monster and he gets worse .......
please yourself not ‘the relationship’ at all costs first

He thinks he's got you and he can let rip. Get out.

You need to leave him because the chances are he will get worse. Best case scenario is you will become stressed, maybe develop social anxiety because you will never know when he will kick off again in public.

Leave while you are still in one piece mentally.

Please, please be brave enough to end it now. This is not a good relationship. The alcohol is the least of it. The controlling behaviour, the need for you to tiptoe around his moods, ego and possessiveness is so dangerous and will not make for a happy life.

Please listen to the advice on here. Hea abusing you threatening you you cant talk to him about certain things and now hes gone off the rails and "cant remember" this guy is horrible. Hes treating you disgusting. One day he wont just say he will clip you he will do it. Please get out get safe and get happy again. Once your away youl realise how awful he is and how much happier you feel.

This truly is a "feet's don't fail me now" moment-stay with him you may become a statistic,a victim of domestic violence

I don’t think he sounds like marriage material at all. The fact he tried to accuse an innocent person of touching you is really disgusting behaviour. Add all the other stuff to that and I think it’s painting a picture of a controlling, jealous, petulant man who is going to have trouble controlling his temper. You can’t mention male colleagues or exes in front of him, he sulks and blanks you, he’s raised his fist to you, he threatens to hit people. No matter what you’ve invested in this relationship, it’s still less than investing a lifetime that could he spent more happily with a worthier and more respectful man.

Doing that on any night out is not ok, but the fact it was a meal for two and you were driving makes it even worse. Your responses since just make me sad. Bless you.

Get out.

You deserve so much better than this, @Sherrybabyy.

He has shown you who he is - listen to him.

Imagine having a toddler, and him coming home in the sort of state he was in last night, and shouting at you in front of the child - or shouting at the child. No child deserves a father like that. No woman deserves a husband like that.

Give yourself the gift of a new start this Christmas.

If you fear the pain of ending this relationship today, I can guarantee it will be 100 times worse if not near impossible once you are married. I really hope that you will be able to summon the courage to take notice of the warnings on this thread and not progress with this relationship to marriage.

Run

Get out OP. Listen to the good advice on here and get out now. You will never regret it but you will definitely regret marrying him or staying in a relationship with him. Don't engage with the arguments you will get. Don't try to justify it. Just say "It is over. that is it" you have that power.

The clip around the ear was awful. The night you had was horrendous. If you marry him that "did you touch my wife" will very soon morph into "did you look at him" addressed to you.

for example, the other day, a male colleague of mine said something hilarious but when I told my fiancé I told him it was a female colleague who had said it.

This is awful - awful. Really you need to get out.

I strongly suspect he had several drinks on board before you ever went out - another red flag.

8 years is nothing. you are young. get out and do some work on your boundaries. I mean this kindly but any man saying he would give me a clip around the ear and raising his hand would have been yesterday's news the next day - same for lots of women - we are lucky enough to have been raised in families that give us strong boundaries. Read the shark cage and do some work on you - not him - you so you when/if you want another relationship you know you deserve a decent kind person.

I suggest you take a bit of time to try and learn about alcoholism, because you will soon realise that you cannot possibly be the guardian angel or the saviour of anyone that is struggling from this illness. They have to seek support and recovery for themselves but first of all they’ve got to recognise that they do actually have a problem - this can take years and years.

Thank you all so much for all your support and reassurance. Sometimes even when you know what the right thing to do is, you can talk yourself out of it over and over again. What I really needed was people to hear me and to confirm what I thought.

You need to plan leaving him safely. Abuse and especially violence can escalate drastically at the point when a woman leaves an abuser. There’s lots of threads on the relationships board that have advice for women escaping abusive partners. Have you got somewhere you could live for the short term? Do you think family and friends would be supportive if you explained what he’s really like to them? Because I bet he’s always charming when he thinks it will benefit him.

Doing the freedom programme would be good, when I did it in a group it brought back to me lots of things which looking back I never twigged as abusive. One red flag for an abuser is how they treat people such as waiters and bar staff. OK he was drunk but he was a nasty drunk, it amplified what seems to be below the surface, and jealousy on his part will never get better. If ever I wanted to find someone new if he ever once threatened me I'd be off, it was unprovoked when he did it, or at very least disproportionate. You don't want to be tied to him by children, I'm lucky in that respect, but I know lots of women whose exes keep abusing via the children. I don't know if you've got a house together, if so you need some legal advice on what to do first. Do this before telling him that you are breaking things off, I suspect when you do tell him you'll know by his reaction that you've done the right thing

OP, you know the saying, "throwing good money after bad", when a financial position just isn't salvageable, and someone can't bear to accept they've lost so much cash so keep pouring in more to prop a failing business idea up? The sunk costs fallacy, again?

You are throwing good love after bad. Stop. Get out. Find a better home for that love with someone who will not abuse you.