AIBU to leave for one bad night

[Sherrybabyy]

Fiancé and I went to the pub for dinner last night. I was driving so he had a few beers before the meal at the bar. However he ended up absolutely pissed.

He tried to order another beer and they refused to serve him any more. At this point, he started shouting and swearing at the girl behind the bar, banging his fists on the bar asking ‘why won’t you fucking serve me?! It’s a fucking joke’. I have never seen him so angry. His whole body language changed, he looked aggressive- chest puffed out, shoulders back etc.

He ended up being told to leave by the manager who my fiancé accused of touching me inappropriately out of absolutely nowhere. He squared up to him, almost toe to toe, pointed a finger in this poor man’s face and shouted ‘did you fucking touch my wife?’. He then looked at me at yelled ‘did he fucking touch you?’ In front of the whole restaurant. I have never in my life been so mortified and disgusted by his behaviour.

On the way to the car, he was sick twice in the car park and sick all over himself and my car on the way home.

He doesn’t understand why I’m so angry at him. He left for work today feeling sorry for himself, trying to apologise. He said as he was stepping out the door ‘we could’ve stayed longer, I just needed to be sick’

All that from a 31 year old man.

Wow I've just read your other posts.

So it would seem like this is not an isolated incident and he has form for being a nasty wanker, including raising his fist to you.

Fuck that OP. This is your chance to get away. The veil has fallen.

You are in for one miserable life if you marry and god forbid, have kids with him.

You've changed your behaviour to accommodate his moods. You're watching what you say. You're not able to relax. This is not good. Please think about your future self, when you have children, trying to keep them quiet or not being able to do things without sulks, threats of violence etc.

Please leave asap. I been in your shoes and stayed for 16 years. I'm 43 now and I wasted the best years of my life.

Sunken fallacy= Continuing to invest time and emotions because you've already invested time and emotions. Not wanting to give up on something because you've spent so long propping it up that to give up now means all that time is now wasted.

It's the sunk costs fallacy.

Sorry. Yes it's the sunken costs fallacy.

@justmuddlingalong 'sunk' not 'sunken'.

I think that if he is an avid drinker and he normally comes home drunk like that, personally I think you should stay away from him and yes I know it is harsh since he is your fiancè but if he gets that violent he could end up doing really bad things.

Showing his true self there - run for the hills and don't look back.

There's something called The Freedom Programme. You can do it online - you really, really need to.

There's also a book called Why Does He Do That? I strongly urge you to read it.

He's abusive, and he's slowly and incrementally worn you down so you don't see a broad picture of his behaviour, just each incident in isolation, so you never get over the line of what you can bear. You need to take that step back and look at the patterns, and your reactions - the way you adapt your behaviour to appease him and avoid his bullying and emotional abuse - is a huge red flag.

Half of all physical abuse starts in pregnancy, when the woman is wholly vulnerable. Think about it: is this man who you'd want as your dad? Imagine being divorced from him and trying to arrange child contact. It would be horrific and he would be hideously abusive.

Be grateful you've seen who he is, OP. Do the reading, do the thinking, and remember that the world is full of lovely men, who would never make you shrink down into a smaller person to placate them.

So it is. The sunk costs fallacy. Sorry OP. Thanks @SabineUndine

Honestly there's one thing getting drunk and being a bit of a state compared to verbally abusing a woman behind the bar and trying to square up to the manager .. he sounds like a vile bully

You’re already treading on eggshells by changing the details of certain incidents so as not to give him ammunition to be sulky or unpleasant towards you.

As an adult you can choose that option.

Are you ok that your future children will also have to learn to modify their behaviour and grow up in fear of saying the wrong thing?

Get him to go back to the bar and watch his behaviour on CCTV, that should bring his memory back or at least show him how bad he was.

Dear god, he sounds awful!

I used to be with someone like this. I altered myself to prevent him from giving me the silent treatment, was always the first to apologise (and he barely ever apologised), avoided seeing certain friends, even dressed a certain way in the end.

It's taken me almost a decade to feel normal again. Thank god I was independent of him when we broke up - no house, no kids, not married.

My DH now, we've been married 5 years, still will gently tell me that I don't need to worry about telling him that I've broken yet another glass or plate (I am really clumsy). Or when I am trying to get him to 'agree' with a hairstyle I like that it's not his hair and as long as I am happy that's all that matters.

Don't be me. Don't let him chip away at you. It's like death by a thousand cuts.

have a look at this thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

My husband did this exact thing several times when we were engaged (was having some sort of commitment freak out I think). It was horrendous and I nearly binned the whole thing. But I didn’t, and married him anyway, and he has never done it since. Not once in 11 years. He barely drinks and is basically the kindest, most responsible and caring person I know. I totally believe incidents like this can be isolated. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t read him the riot act though.

I used to do the same as you op and also didn't realise what I was doing until my 'white lie' bit me in the arse.

I was on a works do, my ex (note ex) had a hang up about a young lad I worked with. Young lad was at the do, so I told my ex that his gf was there (no idea why), until we bumped into him a few months later. Young lad said 'oh her is my gf, you've not met her before' queue my ex giving me the evils. I quickly said 'oh I've met her before', young lad said 'oh no that was a friend of mine' I then realised I was lying down to my ex behaviour. That's when the red flags started to add up

It sounds like this has taken the blinkers off for you...you look back in retrospect and realise there’s a pattern to all this. YAWNBU to let him off for a one-off. It’s not a one-off is it? I second The Freedom Programme. It’ll open your eyes to more of his behaviour.

Sunken fallacy= Continuing to invest time and emotions because you've already invested time and emotions. Not wanting to give up on something because you've spent so long propping it up that to give up now means all that time is now wasted
That’s exactly how I feel! It’s hard to put it into words but that’s exactly right. Thank you @SabineUndine, spot on

Sounds like he doesn't think there's anything wrong with his behaviour which is the problem. I know I can be a terrible drunk and say and do hideous things so I rarely drink and when I do limit it to about 3 drinks- 4 maximum.

Has he ever acknowledged his behaviour when drunk is wrong or apologised?

This is not one or even a few drunken times- this is classic controlling emotional abuse. Please leave him , and if you are worried about his reaction, make sure you have a plan and a safe place to go. good luck.

The fact that you almost subconsciously censor yourself, substitute women for men in your stories, and are generally treading on eggshells is a terrible sign.

When you told him what he'd done, was he mortified? Is he planning to apologise to those people?

I can't imagine being with someone whose reactions to simple stories that involve a male, require me to censor myself.