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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave for one bad night

472 replies

Sherrybabyy · 06/12/2019 16:52

Fiancé and I went to the pub for dinner last night. I was driving so he had a few beers before the meal at the bar. However he ended up absolutely pissed.

He tried to order another beer and they refused to serve him any more. At this point, he started shouting and swearing at the girl behind the bar, banging his fists on the bar asking ‘why won’t you fucking serve me?! It’s a fucking joke’. I have never seen him so angry. His whole body language changed, he looked aggressive- chest puffed out, shoulders back etc.

He ended up being told to leave by the manager who my fiancé accused of touching me inappropriately out of absolutely nowhere. He squared up to him, almost toe to toe, pointed a finger in this poor man’s face and shouted ‘did you fucking touch my wife?’. He then looked at me at yelled ‘did he fucking touch you?’ In front of the whole restaurant. I have never in my life been so mortified and disgusted by his behaviour.

On the way to the car, he was sick twice in the car park and sick all over himself and my car on the way home.

He doesn’t understand why I’m so angry at him. He left for work today feeling sorry for himself, trying to apologise. He said as he was stepping out the door ‘we could’ve stayed longer, I just needed to be sick’

All that from a 31 year old man.

OP posts:
Lilymossflower · 06/12/2019 21:14

If I were you I would leave straightaway

If you marry him its likely this side of him will make more and more regular appearances, and it sounds scary, and it sounds like he could even accuse you or shove you and then not remember or deny it the next day.

Absolutely not Ok.

It will be harder to leave then, and also if you ha e kids with him it would be really upsetting for them to hear/witness this behaviour from him when he gets home drunk In the evenings

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2019 21:15

Couldn't be doing with that,I really couldn't. The shame of being with someone like that. And his shitty behaviour isn't a one off. He is behaving like s spoiled teenager.

Personally I'd move on, find someone who behaves with a little dignity and acts like a man, not some over grown teenager.

perfectstorm · 06/12/2019 21:17

Here's the Freedom Programme online.

Rainbowshine · 06/12/2019 21:22

I also meant to say that your thread title isn’t accurate, really. You wouldn’t be leaving for one bad night. You’d be leaving after 8 years of accommodating his shitty attitude towards women and you, and the cumulative abuse he’s dished out. And you’d be leaving for the future, your future, and that will be worth so much more than anything that he can say now to try and convince you that he’ll change. He won’t. He’s spent 8 years getting worse. Past behaviour is the strongest indication of how someone will behave again in a similar situation. So he’ll sulk, make it your fault, he’ll try and tell you that you’re overreacting. You will have such a better life free from tiptoeing around his temper. Get away from him and your life is yours.

msflibble · 06/12/2019 21:26

Flowers good luck with everything OP. Please don't lose your nerve. Breakups are never easy but life does go on, and what seemed impossible to end can be over and done with in a relatively short time.
Be wary of this man post breakup though. He sounds potentially dangerous. I'm not saying he will be, but please be on your guard.

Techway · 06/12/2019 21:49

Op, I wish you strength to leave. This type of behaviour wears you down and after a few years you realise you are a shell of yourself. It then becomes harder to leave.

FraglesRock · 06/12/2019 22:26

If it was an isolated incident of drunk and puke then people would be telling you to give him another chance.
But he was aggressive and downright awful to people.
And he's threatened you with violence.
And you've modified your behaviour to please him.

Please don't waste more time with him. Hope you're doing ok.

Sweetpea55 · 06/12/2019 22:53

I think I would be extending my engagement a bit longer. He certainly sounds as though he has a problem . Heed the warning signs now

RhinoskinhaveI · 06/12/2019 23:33

I would also be wary of having a relationship with someone with a drink problem

AlexaAmbidextra · 06/12/2019 23:46

I think I would be extending my engagement a bit longer.

I think I’d be calling off my engagement.

IndieTara · 07/12/2019 00:05

I think I'd be leaving

justilou1 · 07/12/2019 00:23

I actually get the feeling that if you were to pretend that you were talking to talking to your friend, and you asked her if she honestly liked him, you’d say “No”.

Snowmonster · 07/12/2019 00:30

A few months (or years) down the line he may start behaving like this when he hasn't had a drink. He's not a nice guy. Nice guys don't become aggressive arseholes when they have been drinking, nice guys stay nice guys even when pissed!!

JingsMahBucket · 07/12/2019 01:07

@Sherrybabyy get out now and start cancelling any wedding arrangements you can. Don’t be afraid to talk to your family and friends about this either. How much you want to bet they’ve already noticed his behaviour and have been wanting to tell you? They’ll likely support you leaving, honestly.

Topseyt · 07/12/2019 01:39

It isn't just one bad night. This is a pattern of aggressive and abusive behaviour.

His behaviour is utterly unforgivable and this bad night is just the confirmation of who and what he really is. Please take it as final confirmation that you need to end the relationship and get out now. He won't improve. He will get worse.

We have a family member who is an abusive alcoholic. Despite promises galore about turning over a new leaf, he didn't. He continued his behaviour, threatening his wife so that she fled to her family with their toddler daughter. They are now divorced and he has had no access to their daughter for many years.

Don't marry him. Dump him. Don't give him any further chances as he will never change.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 07/12/2019 02:54

Good old MN classic - run for the hills and don’t look back. Consider it a lucky escape but stay strong as he and his family may try persuade you that it was a one off. It won’t be.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 07/12/2019 03:40

Please don't marry him. Or have children with him. Men like this seem to get worse once they're married, then even worse when children come into the equation.
You sound so lovely and like you deserve so much better.

Of course I can't tell you what to do, but please stay safe and I wish you well Flowers

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 07/12/2019 03:46

Nice guys don't become aggressive arseholes when they have been drinking, nice guys stay nice guys even when pissed!!

This is the truth! My husband (who I've only seen drunk in 18 years of marriage) bought everyone in the pub an acre of the moon off groupon when he was tipsy. His dad is the same, comes out with the most beautiful compliments for everyone and anyone and just wants to play leap frog.

Will be thinking of you, keep us updated and we are all here for you if you need anonymous ears x

Derbee · 07/12/2019 03:59

These men often get worse after marriage, and pregnancy. Count yourself lucky that you’re not married yet, and find someone who you can be your true self with. Good luck

Creepster · 07/12/2019 04:34

Take the advice of Maya Angelou, when people show you who they are, believe them.

Areyoufree · 07/12/2019 04:35

I actually get the feeling that if you were to pretend that you were talking to talking to your friend, and you asked her if she honestly liked him, you’d say “No”.

This is a good point - talk to your friends. Ask for their honest opinions. I have a friend in a relationship with a very controlling man, and would leap at the chance to be honest with her about him.

And yes, the only people I have known who had such a severe personality shift when drunk had a drink problem.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/12/2019 05:34

I disagree that people show their "true personality" when drunk - I'm an awful arsehole when drunk, but hopefully that's not my true self.

What's more telling is that he didn't think he needed to apologise once he'd sobered up. Not even a "sorry I chundered in your car"?

This man is not who you want to invest your time in.

BusterGonad · 07/12/2019 06:03

The drunkeness can be purely down to terrible judgment but the clip around the ear and fist is unforgivable, especially if he was stone cold sober.

Andysbestadventure · 07/12/2019 06:16

In the bin with him.

We'd be 100% done.

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