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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to leave for one bad night

472 replies

Sherrybabyy · 06/12/2019 16:52

Fiancé and I went to the pub for dinner last night. I was driving so he had a few beers before the meal at the bar. However he ended up absolutely pissed.

He tried to order another beer and they refused to serve him any more. At this point, he started shouting and swearing at the girl behind the bar, banging his fists on the bar asking ‘why won’t you fucking serve me?! It’s a fucking joke’. I have never seen him so angry. His whole body language changed, he looked aggressive- chest puffed out, shoulders back etc.

He ended up being told to leave by the manager who my fiancé accused of touching me inappropriately out of absolutely nowhere. He squared up to him, almost toe to toe, pointed a finger in this poor man’s face and shouted ‘did you fucking touch my wife?’. He then looked at me at yelled ‘did he fucking touch you?’ In front of the whole restaurant. I have never in my life been so mortified and disgusted by his behaviour.

On the way to the car, he was sick twice in the car park and sick all over himself and my car on the way home.

He doesn’t understand why I’m so angry at him. He left for work today feeling sorry for himself, trying to apologise. He said as he was stepping out the door ‘we could’ve stayed longer, I just needed to be sick’

All that from a 31 year old man.

OP posts:
Sideshowjen · 06/12/2019 19:13

@Sherrybabyy you’ve got to be able to laugh at silly things you both do in any relationship, especially in a marriage. If he’s threatened you with violence for laughing at him, he’s not the right guy for you. My husband and I laugh at/with each other all the time when we do silly things. Laughing because he can’t roll his cigarettes when he’s drunk sounds like the sort of thing you should be chuckling at. You deserve better. Don’t stay with him just because you’ve been with him for 8 years. This really doesn’t sound like a good foundation for a marriage. Good luck OP.

ohprettybaby · 06/12/2019 19:14

His memory loss is very convenient. His behaviour is appalling. You know you need to leave him really don't you?

He's possessive, aggressive, threatens you with a clip around the ear - that would be more than enough for me to leave. He won't suddenly improve his behaviour if you get married. He'll probably immediately become worse because it will be more difficult to leave. Ffs, don't have children with him otherwise you'll be connected forever.

The fact that he accused the manager of touching you inappropriately when he was refused more drink shows how his mind works. What a revolting man.

Justmuddlingalong · 06/12/2019 19:14

I'd love for him to view the CCTV from the pub. You too. When is he planning on apologising to the pub staff who were verbally abused, just doing their jobs?

BlackCherryBliss · 06/12/2019 19:14

Sorry, cross post.

I am referring to your second from last post because I am too bloody slow at typing.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 06/12/2019 19:16

I wouldnt leave over someone being aggressive to other people and that drunk, as a one off. I had a boyfriend who got horrendously drunk the first time he met with and stayed with my parents, I think he was nervous and drank too much, it was a definite one off I was with him a number of years and he never got anywhere near that state again.

I would however consider the relationship based on other things you've said. You're not allowed to take the piss out of him, you have to censor what you say because he gets needlessly jealous, he is a sulker. I don't think I could put up with this for the rest of my life, partly because if nothing is wrong now, imagine how he will act when things are stressful- illness, when parents get older, when you have a newborn etc. He just sounds a bit like a joyless, touchy teenager.

Are you generally happy in the relationship?

Sideshowjen · 06/12/2019 19:17

From everything you’ve said OP, you deserve much, much better. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t act like your fiancé. Trust your instincts.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 06/12/2019 19:17

Also I think I would respect him a lot more and find it a lot easier to forgive if he apologised to the bar staff.

It's a bit odd to get in that state just with your fiancee while waiting for a meal. Do you think he has any alcohol issues or had been drinking already that day?

Whattodoabout · 06/12/2019 19:17

I would have to leave my DH if he acted like this. We’re married with children so more ties than you but even I would leave, this behaviour is disgusting.

MerchantOfVenom · 06/12/2019 19:18

Oh God, he sounds awful. Just so pathetic. Confused

Have you had a relationship with a man, where it's actually just easy, you share a sense of humour, and you can while away the hours talking about everything and nothing?

And, crucially, you never have to tread on eggshells?

This is the rest of your life we're talking about? You want to inflict this man as a father on someone?

FizzyGreenWater · 06/12/2019 19:18

Ok you know where this is heading.

Last night was just the first time you really saw it to the point where you can't pretend it's ok.

You already know he's a controlling arse who's already skated fairly close to hitting you. You are already careful to change your behaviour, to lie to make sure that doesn't happen.

Yes you should absolutely call it off. He's a violent controlling bully. You haven't seen the extent of that yet, but if you marry this guy and have kids with him, you'll be committed, trapped - and then it will start.

How do you think nice, normal, clever women end up as the victims of domestic violence? How you look at people in those situations and think 'But how on earth did you end up marrying someone like that?'

This is how. You will be that woman in the school yard with sunglasses on to hide a black eye. The one making excuses for not being allowed to come out.

Don't do this to yourself and don't fuck up your future children by giving them a dad like this.

RedRosie · 06/12/2019 19:18

I'm really sorry. This sounds awful.

I was coming on to ask if he lifts weights (because I once knew someone who was like this with a combination of steroids and alcohol). But actually, it doesn't matter. There's no excuse I can think of for this sort of behaviour.

It's very hard to end a relationship that you've invested so much in and I wouldn't presume to advise. But can only say if it were me, I'd end it.

BusyBusyBea · 06/12/2019 19:19

You won’t leave.

Then you’ll be on here in a few more years complaining about how shite your life is. Only by then you’ll have two kids in tow.

I hope you surprise me but I won’t hold my breath.

Ummmmcake · 06/12/2019 19:19

The thing with the cigarettes. I mean that is also being too drunk, so it seems like he regularly drinks too much.

pooopypants · 06/12/2019 19:19

Someone getting drunk once wouldn't bother me.

Having to change stories, change my behaviour and generally tread on eggshells? I'd be out like a shot. Its convenient that its 'never happened before' or he 'can't remember the events'.

My ex used to drink to the point of not being to stand up. Shortly after came the threats. Very shortly after came the actions. It never ends well OP. He's shown his true colours and what he thinks about you. And going by the sounds of updates, he has a drink issue.

CodenameVillanelle · 06/12/2019 19:20

You really wouldn't be giving up a good thing.

MerchantOfVenom · 06/12/2019 19:20

You'd be putting a bad thing out of its misery.

VisionQuest · 06/12/2019 19:21

I would find that unforgivable.

He's also made this 100 times worse by not being contrite. What an arse.

FizzyGreenWater · 06/12/2019 19:22

So two things in 8 years?

Nope, it won't be. It never is. By the time someone who doesn't want to believe that they're with an abusive shit actually posts on here, there is a mountain of 'things' that would reach half way to the fucking moon which, if she ever allowed herself to think that they're not ok, that the only reason things are 'ok' is because she lies and pretends to herself and everyone else, then her world would come crashing down.

OP's already starting to let some truths out even in a few posts.

It's not a couple of things.

OP stick around for advice.

Thank God you are not married with no kids. Do you own your home together?

Justmuddlingalong · 06/12/2019 19:22

Have you heard of the sunken fallacy?

BusyBusyBea · 06/12/2019 19:23

I dumped my ex after six years because of his drinking. I loved him so much. But I remember cleaning his vomit up off the floor and thinking, I want more than this.

Never looked back.

FizzyGreenWater · 06/12/2019 19:26

Oh and my DH has had his fair few drunken awful nights where I've been clearing up vomit or having to practically carry him home. It happens to the best of us Grin

Never once has he threatened someone, been aggressive, acted as if I were his piece of meat.

Never once have I felt I needed to lie to him about who I talk to or spend time with, or walk on eggshells or not be able to laugh at something in case he takes offence.

This guy is a wanker as well as a bully. You could do so much better and be so much happier OP, I really can't begin to say.

Sickofrain · 06/12/2019 19:27

What I find really scary in your posts OP is the bit where you are already subconsciously altering your stories so that you don't mention a man being involved. You are already that groomed/ used to his abuse that you are changing your behaviour subconsciously. What else have you been forced to forget/ overlook/ internalise.

Protect yourself OP, please be safe!

Sarcelle · 06/12/2019 19:27

He is a big baby man child who can't control his temper, moods and drunk. He sulks, he vomits, he acts like a complete numpty embarrassing you in public. He sounds repulsive. A gigantic no from me.

Original poster
Sherrybabyy · 06/12/2019 19:27

Have you heard of the sunken fallacy?
No, what’s that?

OP posts:
Charmlight · 06/12/2019 19:28

Living with someone who turns nasty when drunk will be a life of misery for you, believe me.
It will not get better. He will not change. You will forever be waiting for a similar event living on your nerves.
Nasty drunks have a drink problem.
I’ve lived it.

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