AIBU to leave for one bad night

[Sherrybabyy]

Fiancé and I went to the pub for dinner last night. I was driving so he had a few beers before the meal at the bar. However he ended up absolutely pissed.

He tried to order another beer and they refused to serve him any more. At this point, he started shouting and swearing at the girl behind the bar, banging his fists on the bar asking ‘why won’t you fucking serve me?! It’s a fucking joke’. I have never seen him so angry. His whole body language changed, he looked aggressive- chest puffed out, shoulders back etc.

He ended up being told to leave by the manager who my fiancé accused of touching me inappropriately out of absolutely nowhere. He squared up to him, almost toe to toe, pointed a finger in this poor man’s face and shouted ‘did you fucking touch my wife?’. He then looked at me at yelled ‘did he fucking touch you?’ In front of the whole restaurant. I have never in my life been so mortified and disgusted by his behaviour.

On the way to the car, he was sick twice in the car park and sick all over himself and my car on the way home.

He doesn’t understand why I’m so angry at him. He left for work today feeling sorry for himself, trying to apologise. He said as he was stepping out the door ‘we could’ve stayed longer, I just needed to be sick’

All that from a 31 year old man.

fear of ‘giving up too soon’ because I know that’s what my fiancé will say

So what?

The point is that you no longer love him or wish to be his partner. And it doesn't matter why that has happened. You could literally wake up one morning and think 'I've changed my mind. This isn't the person for me. I have fallen out of love' and that would be that!

It so happens that it's his pattern of abusive behaviour that has made you no longer wish to be with him, but the bottom line is that once you don't want to be in a romantic partnership any more, it's over. It's not a case of 'Well I have to carry on being in love with you because there isn't a watertight REASON not to be.' That's not how it works.

If your partner came to you and said that they were sorry but their feelings had changed, you'd be distraught perhaps but the bottom line would be that you would have to accept it because the alternative is basically asking them to pretend. Nutso.

But, as said - here there actually is a watertight reason. So if you do feel that you have to justify it to him, it's actually devastatingly simple. The fact that you don't think that shows just how much this man controls you without having to raise a fist.

ALL you have to say is - No. This isn't a one off, there have been repeated incidents where you have shown a violent aggressive side and I no longer want to be with you. I don't love you any more.

When he persists:

I expected you to do this, to tell me I don't know my own mind and to try to bully me into staying with you when I NO LONGER LOVE YOU. All that shows is that I am right to do this. You don't respect my opinion. You don't care if I actually don't want to be with you as long as you get your way. I am so unimportant to you as a person that you're ok with forcing me to pretend to want to be with you. I NO LONGER LOVE YOU.

Oh, and...

'Giving up too soon' is a crazy way to think about it, if you break it down. The whole point of being in a relationship is that this is the person you feel happy and loved with. YOU DON'T! You can't be yourself with him. He's aggressive and bullying.

What your years of 'not giving up' have done is shown you, time and time again, that you're not wrong about this guy. Every time he swears it's a one-off, and bullies you out of your opinion, and every time something else happens. The pub incident was shocking in so many ways: aggression to the public, seeing you as a possession, alcohol abuse, just nasty nasty nasty man.

So you have taken this time, you've spent these years and now you KNOW.

Staying with him has now tipped over into wasting time - hence sunk costs. It's costing you to be here now - costing you time you could be spending finding a new partner, being with that new partner. Because you know this person is wrong enough that you won't be happy or secure or supported if you stay and it's more likely than not that you will end up physically abused as well as (at the moment) controlled and emotionally abused.

He knows this full well which is why he pulls out ALL the stops to bully and coerce you in every way he can to stop you escaping.

This is one reason why you should tell your parents, and tell him that you have.

I’ve made my decision and I’m leaving when I can.
He’s just come in to apologise to me but of course, he thinks I should forgive him because it’s just happened once! He said he understands why I’m annoyed but that I shouldn’t make any snap decisions that I might feel bad about...
on top of this, he’s just asked me to let him know if I’m going out this evening with mutual friends because he wants to come too despite the fact I’ve told him repeatedly the last few days that I won’t be going out for drinks this weekend.

And never forget that the bottom line is that you CAN say to him, once you are safe at your parents 'I have made up my mind. I don't love you. Please stop harassing me. I am turning my phone off now. If you persist in trying to bully me I will report you for harrassment.'

I'm so pleased to hear that OP.

Tell him you don't want to go out this evening. Keep saying it.

How far away are your parents? I'd take a day off work and go and see them if you can.

You’re giving up way too late OP!

But better late than never. Get to it.

Sherrybabyy that's great news. Tell your parents today. Better still go and see them. Tell them everything. They will support you and help you leave.

And remember you don't owe your fiance anything. You do not have to apologise for anything. You do not have to feel sorry for him. None of this is your fault. It is all down to him and his abusive, manipulative unacceptable behaviour.

Well done
It's a brave step
It's the right step

I would have left with the threat to hit you. Yanbu. Life's too short to spend it fixing him.

Well done op

Well done @Sherrybabyy !!!!!
So proud of you 👍

Don't hang about, just go. Your parents won't be disappointed in you, they will be disappointed in him.

I would have run in the other direction when he raised his fist at me and threatened to clip me round the ear.

This man is an abusive twat.

Do the Freedom Programme and DUMP ANYONE who drinks too much and/or at any point becomes aggressive when drunk, first time. Fuck 'no one's perfect', no, no one is, but an aggressive drunk is never good and should quit drinking the first time they behaved in this manner (I know a lot of people who have, they were mortified they got aggressive and do not drink at all because of this).

He could have been nicked and put in jail. He likely terrified the staff. And he is not sorry.

Can you imagine how scared that girl felt? That's someone's daughter!

Get out. He will get worse. Much, much, much worse.

He's already chipping away at you, makign you think he's some kind of catch.

He is abusive.

Jesus, saying "not to make any snap decisions that YOU might feel bad about" Gaslighting little shit what he is!

YOU have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. Stay strong, get prepared and get out.

He’s just come into the living room to apologise. Along with the usual ‘this won’t happen again, this is the first time it’s ever happened’ etc

With violent men, there's always a first time with you, it's the last time that usually receives the most profile.

His mask has now slipped twice. You know he intends to use violence towards you to keep you in line, that he's possessive to the extent that you change your behaviour to avoid enraging him. You know that he has a drinking problem (if the drinking causes problems, it's a problem). You know he really sees nothing wrong with his behaviour. And this is now. Upon marriage and babies and any other event increasing his sense of ownership and making you more dependent on him, he WILL worsen.

Eventually you will find yourself shopping for the face makeup which best disguises shades of black and green.

This has been your gift of freedom. Leave.

I’m leaving when I can.

You have legs and your handbag. No kids.
You can leave this minute.

not sure I would leave him if this was an isolated incident

Goodness, I would at.least postpone the wedding indefinitely. I probably would just break it off.

Nothing that he can say or promise detracts from what you now know that is gets puffed up and belligerent when drunk. I do not think I would ever risk a repeat of that dreadful scene.

If he at least cleans the car, I might stay friends with him but fiancée. I don't think so.

he told me that he’d give me a clip round the ear

For this alone, I would sack him off. You didn't at that time. He behaved for a while and now this.

Don't risk it, there are so many lovely people in the world. Don't tied yourself to someone who can act like this.

Good decision, have you spoken to anyone in real life about it? Maybe your mum if you are going to stay there. Please leave quickly. The most dangerous time with an abusive man is when you try to leave. Don't tell him you're going. Leave when he is out, you can come back later with backup to get the rest of your stuff.

He said he understands why I'm annoyed but that I shouldn't make any snap decisions that I might feel bad about...

He has no right to tell you what to do, or what to think.

Why don't you suggest that he goes out on his own for drinks with the mutual friends tonight? Then when he gets back, you can be gone.

Even his apology sounds controlling.. he is telling you how you will feel which is a very clever technique to get you to doubt yourself.

He should ve saying, he knows he has treated you badly and you deserve better.

The invite out is also an example of boundary pushing. Many women have been in abusive relationships because they are trusting and the abuse creeps up, there is no shame.

It is much, much harder to walk away from a marriage but that is often a trigger for worse behaviour.

I know you've said you're going to leave but just in case he manages to make you doubt yourself, remember this is him on his best behaviour. What worries me is that if you were to marry him he will treat anyway he feels like because I get the impression that he's sees you as his property. He probably sees marriage as you being locked in and he will get drunk, act aggressive and threaten you with violence as much as he likes because he's got you trapped.

My dd left an abusive and controlling relationship recently after 5 years of walking on eggshells around him ever since she was at high school. I am really proud of her and she has become a different person - like her old self again.

Ive not read your other posts, only this one, and i firmly think you should leave.

You have had a lucky escape. LEAVE NOW. Dump him and better luck next time. You do not need this in your life, ever.

Seriously. End it.

I can’t believe I’ve been putting up with this. He’s awful
I now remember so much that I’d previously shrugged off.
He’s the one that has messaged women behind my back! He’s the one who has kissed a woman behind my back! He’s the one who makes jokes about other women being sexy and teases me about not dressing sexy enough for him!
About a month ago, at a family function, he saw me chatting and laughing with my brother in law. He said ‘stop acting like you want his dick down your throat! It’s embarrassing’. He has since brought this up several times making jokes about how I supposedly want to sleep with my sister’s husband?
Oh my god.