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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave for one bad night

472 replies

Sherrybabyy · 06/12/2019 16:52

Fiancé and I went to the pub for dinner last night. I was driving so he had a few beers before the meal at the bar. However he ended up absolutely pissed.

He tried to order another beer and they refused to serve him any more. At this point, he started shouting and swearing at the girl behind the bar, banging his fists on the bar asking ‘why won’t you fucking serve me?! It’s a fucking joke’. I have never seen him so angry. His whole body language changed, he looked aggressive- chest puffed out, shoulders back etc.

He ended up being told to leave by the manager who my fiancé accused of touching me inappropriately out of absolutely nowhere. He squared up to him, almost toe to toe, pointed a finger in this poor man’s face and shouted ‘did you fucking touch my wife?’. He then looked at me at yelled ‘did he fucking touch you?’ In front of the whole restaurant. I have never in my life been so mortified and disgusted by his behaviour.

On the way to the car, he was sick twice in the car park and sick all over himself and my car on the way home.

He doesn’t understand why I’m so angry at him. He left for work today feeling sorry for himself, trying to apologise. He said as he was stepping out the door ‘we could’ve stayed longer, I just needed to be sick’

All that from a 31 year old man.

OP posts:
Chartreuse45 · 07/12/2019 11:01

Please don't be embarassed for "not saying anything sooner". These days we, as a society, all know more about psychology and understand that abuse takes many forms and creeps up on you. How could you have told them what he was like when you didn't realise yourself?

FoxOnABox · 07/12/2019 11:08

I very much doubt your parents will be disappointed in you OP. And even if they are won't it be a million times easier to live with that, and work on it, than to live with fear and confusion and distress all caused by your fucking definitely not D P?

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 07/12/2019 11:08

@Sherrybabyy they won't be disappointed in you. When I left my abusive first husband after 10 years my parents were just glad that I'd got out. I'm sure your parents will feel the same and will just want you to be happy.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/12/2019 11:26

They won’t be disappointed, they’ll be relieved and happy to support you.

You gave it your all but in the end it wasn’t worth it. No one can criticise you for that.

Go to them, move yourself life forwards 💪🏼

isitpossibleto · 07/12/2019 11:34

As someone who didn’t leave because of knowing what a nasty fuss her mother would make, in hindsight I should have chosen my nasty mother’s reaction. I’m 15 years down the line.

Please leave.

LigPatin · 07/12/2019 11:52

If your parents are decent human beings they absolutely will not be disappointed in you.

And if they aren't decent, then their opinions don't matter anyway - win, win.

SevenStones · 07/12/2019 11:52

It doesn't matter if your parents are disappointed you didn't say anything before now (if they actually will be). That you're going to them now, that you're admitting all that's gone on, that you're leaving is what's important. And they'll support you in what you do, and be relieved that you're finally telling them and seeking them out.

Besidesthepoint · 07/12/2019 11:58

What an awful man. It is only a matter of time till he treats you that way. Reading your updates it sounds like you are being trained to accept it all.

Tooner · 07/12/2019 12:20

I can assure you that no matter how much your parents like him once you leave and tell them exactly why, all they will feel is massive relief that you got yourself out of this absolutely abusive relationship.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/12/2019 12:25

They won't be disappointed, they will be so relieved to know the truth.

I think also that telling them will break the code of silence that he has imposed on your relationship, and it will weaken his position - you may even find that once he knows you've told people, he backs right off.

'This is to let you know that I am done. I can no longer tell myself that I love you and want to be with you because I know that I do not. I know what your response to this text will be. That I'm overreacting, it's a one-off, you've never behaved like this, you are usually fine when drunk. It will be the same response you have given every time something happens which shows your aggressive side - a response which brushes me off, tells me I don't know my own feelings, and tries to guilt me into staying with you. I am expecting your response to try and bully me into backing down and staying with you which should tell you all you need to know. But to answer it - no, this isn't the first time, it's the latest of several events in which you've shown violence and aggression. I have never forgotten the time you threatened to hit me: you pressured me into staying with you after that too. I can't be myself with you. I can't laugh casually in case you take offence. I'm not happy or at ease with you. I've come to stay with my parents and have told them about this and the threatening to hit me incident and they are horrified and agree that we should split. It would be a relief to hear that you can respect my decision: I doubt that you will.'

Send him that once you get to your parents.

cochineal7 · 07/12/2019 12:31

You wouldn’t leave for ‘one bad night’. Not many people would. But it isn’t just one bad night. He has been telling you who he is the past 8 years, you changed your behaviour already accordingly. See the two ‘big’ incidents as bookends - the threat of physical violence at the start, but please use this pub behaviour as the closing bookend. Start anew without this man.

M3lon · 07/12/2019 12:35

I've never seen a 98% YANBU before!

OP your parents won't be disappointed, and YOU (unlike your partner) have nothing to be ashamed of. NOTHING.

Don't be a victim blamer, especially when the victim is you.

pigoons · 07/12/2019 12:51

OP please leave. When I was younger I had a similar experience with someone who didn't know when to stop drinking. I made excuses for his behaviour, invested my time and energy in trying to understand and help him deal with his demons. His behaviour deteriorated and he became emotionally abusive and even hit me once. Eventually I realised I couldn't do it any more and it was destroying me. Best decision I ever made to leave. You can do it - honest - it is better being single than being with someone like this

Original poster
Sherrybabyy · 07/12/2019 13:05

Thanks everyone for reassuring me especially re. my parents. I know I’ve done nothing wrong but as someone said, it’s the sunken cost fallacy and fear of ‘giving up too soon’ because I know that’s what my fiancé will say

OP posts:
Panpastels · 07/12/2019 13:08

You're entitled to leave the relationship for whatever reason you like. He's likely to say you're unreasonable for one bad night but you could always say you've had doubts about the relationship for a while.

medusawashere · 07/12/2019 13:08

OP, you deserve better and your parents will be proud of you for showing the strength to say "no more". No one's opinion of you is worth putting over your potential safety. I've been with someone like your fiance and it does escalate over time and they minimise, gaslight and lie their way back into your good books...until the next time.

YouTheCat · 07/12/2019 13:12

Better to give up too soon than too late. It isn't even just the drunken aggression that is awful. It sounds like he's pretty dreadful when sober. Why should you have to not mention other men, who are colleagues or friends, because he'll get jealous? Also, can you see yourself wanting to be with a sulker forever? Would you want to subject future children to this behaviour?

Embracelife · 07/12/2019 13:17

One violent incident can kill you or your future dc leave.

RhinoskinhaveI · 07/12/2019 13:17

Of course he will say that you're giving up too soon he will say anything to keep you, you're a decent good person who is an asset to anyone's life he's a pain in the ass who is a liability
Obviously it's in your best interest to walk away but his best option is to try and keep you and make you work for him (because no one else will)
Leave while you still can

JudasHisCarrot · 07/12/2019 13:21

It doesn't matter what he says, OP. He can say whatever he likes but it's your decision to make. Don't entertain any guilt-tripping, excuses, crying or empty promises. Do it for yourself, and your future.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/12/2019 13:25

Remember this isn't some court of law - you don't need to prove to him that you find his behaviour unacceptable before you can leave. No explanations or justifications are necessary - he's not in a position of authority over you. Once I realised this I was able to leave my abusive ex. Good luck.

Moondancer73 · 07/12/2019 13:31

That would be enough for me to call everything off. It's appalling behaviour and threatening to clip you round the ear is a huge red flag for me too.
My exh got so drunk on our wedding night that he spent the whole night throwing up before passing out - I should have called it quits there and then to be honest. Cut your losses now op

Honeybee85 · 07/12/2019 13:33

I’m sorry but this would make me rethink my relationship with him. I wouldn’t want to think back of that night in a few years, wishing I had understood back then what kind of person he really is and how it would impact my future with him.

My toxic ex also seemed a nice guy and certainly ‘turned’ during a drunk night and began assaulting me in the street. I left him but returned the next day because I was young and stupid and my mum said : it’s no excuse, but he was drunk and he said he’s sorry.

It was the beginning of nearly a decade of regular violent outbursts towards me. I wish I had made a different decision the morning after that night.

ForalltheSaints · 07/12/2019 13:33

Please leave and go to your parents.

It's a pity that the restaurant manager did not involve the police as he should be facing criminal charges for his behaviour towards him and the bar staff.

Honeybee85 · 07/12/2019 13:33

Sorry, I mean suddenly turned during a drunk night!