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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave for one bad night

472 replies

Sherrybabyy · 06/12/2019 16:52

Fiancé and I went to the pub for dinner last night. I was driving so he had a few beers before the meal at the bar. However he ended up absolutely pissed.

He tried to order another beer and they refused to serve him any more. At this point, he started shouting and swearing at the girl behind the bar, banging his fists on the bar asking ‘why won’t you fucking serve me?! It’s a fucking joke’. I have never seen him so angry. His whole body language changed, he looked aggressive- chest puffed out, shoulders back etc.

He ended up being told to leave by the manager who my fiancé accused of touching me inappropriately out of absolutely nowhere. He squared up to him, almost toe to toe, pointed a finger in this poor man’s face and shouted ‘did you fucking touch my wife?’. He then looked at me at yelled ‘did he fucking touch you?’ In front of the whole restaurant. I have never in my life been so mortified and disgusted by his behaviour.

On the way to the car, he was sick twice in the car park and sick all over himself and my car on the way home.

He doesn’t understand why I’m so angry at him. He left for work today feeling sorry for himself, trying to apologise. He said as he was stepping out the door ‘we could’ve stayed longer, I just needed to be sick’

All that from a 31 year old man.

OP posts:
Andysbestadventure · 07/12/2019 06:20

Sadly @EvenMoreFuriousVexation your drunk self is generally your true self. Maybe try and figure out why you're an arsehole when drunk, because there will be a reason, or some angry inner bit that causes it.

Tellmetruth4 · 07/12/2019 06:20

Get out now. Good for you that you saw this side of him before the wedding.

Babamamananarama · 07/12/2019 06:30

Your instincts are ringing a massive warning bell.

Listen to them.

YukoandHiro · 07/12/2019 06:53

Yes red flags if not showing extreme contrition this morning. YANBU

YukoandHiro · 07/12/2019 06:58

How long have you been together OP? If a long time and you've never seen this before, is there something else going on eg with his family or at work?
If a short period of time I would seriously reassess and definitely stall on a wedding.

fizzandchips · 07/12/2019 07:04

I hear you. Follow your gut.

Wallywobbles · 07/12/2019 07:11

I hope you leave. Do the freedom program online. It was so revealing to me about where my boundaries were and where the ought to have been.

Beveren · 07/12/2019 07:33

Oh Lord, he's a sulker as well, and possessive to boot. Sulking is incredibly unattractive in anyone, even more so when it's used as a control tactic, and it really doesn't sound as if any of this will improve if you marry this man.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/12/2019 08:48

"I do think it is possible for someone to have one bad night with alcohol."

I can see how an argument with someone else could degenerate into a fight when both people are drunk, but this was OP's fiance starting trouble with everyone else, completely unprovoked.

Squigean · 07/12/2019 09:49

What's making you feel you are unreasonable to leave him @Sherrybabyy?

It isn't that it's 'one night' anymore, you've started to allow yourselves too see other parts and have added them together.

Is it because the ending of the relationship it quite momentous? That it will be such an effort and involved huge changes? This keeps a lot of people in relationships that aren't good for them.

Don't let all this incident be your hindsight in 20 years. Don't let not acting on your instinct now be your regret in 10 years' time.

The effort of leaving is less that the affect of staying will be.

This quote is from www.aconsciousrethink.com/4587/the-sunk-cost-fallacy/:
"usually it takes time to know whether a relationship can go the distance. But when we come to the realization that it cannot — and yet we refuse to take action because of our investment, we’ve again been taken captive by the sunk cost fallacy."

The article is quite a good read about the sunk cost fallacy and might help you gather together what you're feeling.

limecello · 07/12/2019 09:59

I grew up around an angry drunk - no way would I stay.

HollowTalk · 07/12/2019 10:06

You're now at the tipping point and you will start to remember lots of occasions where you knew deep down you should have left.

Eight years is a hell of a long time to keep giving a man chances.

Lima1 · 07/12/2019 10:13

OP sorry you have found yourself in this situation but be glad you have found out now while you can still freely leave him.
If you stay you will be in for a lifetime of misery, walking on eggshells, afraid of his moods, social events marred by worries about his drinking. Imagine bringing children into that world.
Ask your family and close friends to give you an honest opinion about him.
It will be hard to give up 8 years of a relationship but better that than a lifetime.

eddielizzard · 07/12/2019 10:24

Margaret Atwood's words:

Men are scared that women will laugh at them, women are scared that men will kill them.

Original poster
Sherrybabyy · 07/12/2019 10:24

What's making you feel you are unreasonable to leave him @Sherrybabyy?
He always has an answer for everything. I tried to end it after he threatened to hit me because I was frightened but he convinced me that it would never happen again and made me feel bad for ‘giving up’. I’m not normally a pushover but with him, when he starts to feel sorry for himself, I start to feel bad for considering leaving. I know exactly what he’ll say; ‘you’re jumping the gun, this has only happened once. Look at my track record, I’m normally a decent drunk. Why throw all this away for one time? I can’t stop you leaving but I don’t understand why you don’t trust me’. I’ve heard that all before when I tried to end it a few years ago.

OP posts:
LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 07/12/2019 10:31

Just tell him you need space and separate. Then go straight with the cut off. He's manipulating you so give him a taste of his own medicine. It's easier to end it if you aren't under the same roof.

nespressowoo · 07/12/2019 10:31

Reading all of this makes me think you should run. Once you're married things will just get worse. Get out whilst you can. You're not responsible for him.

You sound incredibly tolerant and patient. He honestly doesn't deserve you.

I saw an ex when I was out with DH and it was very civil - he just said 'he seems nice' then that was it, no awkwardness.

If he's threatened to hit you, he will one day. I would run. Thanks

bluebell34567 · 07/12/2019 10:34

leave asap. (it maybe he did those things for you to leave him).

HouseworkAvoider10 · 07/12/2019 10:37

Run.

Look up the fallacy of sunk costs too.

He'll kick the shit out of you eventually, if you stay.

XXXXXX42 · 07/12/2019 10:41

You don’t have to justify leaving him. You can leave him for any reason. He doesn’t have to agree with your reasoning. I would recommend getting some support from friends and family. Tell them you need out.

Do you have somewhere to go or would you be asking him to leave?

Newkitchen123 · 07/12/2019 10:49

Giving up on a good thing? You're not on a good thing. This man scares you. He's raised his fist in the past. He's a sulk. You can't be yourself around him or you wouldn't change details to exclude innocent men in daily life
You need to leave

Original poster
Sherrybabyy · 07/12/2019 10:51

I can go and stay with my parents. They’re amazing and really supportive. They really like him but don’t know what’s been going on. I’m embarrassed to tell them now because they raised me better than to stay with someone like that. I’m embarrassed because they think I’m really strong when actually I’m not because I’m a coward for putting up with it all. I know they’ll be disappointed in me for not saying anything sooner

OP posts:
JudasHisCarrot · 07/12/2019 10:57

Have just read the thread. Well done Sherry for being so strong. PPs are right when they say this will escalate, and it will be so much harder for you to leave when you're married with kids and a shell of your former self. There are red flags all over the place with this guy. Don't end up as a statistic, you deserve so much more Flowers

BusyBusyBea · 07/12/2019 10:57

You don’t need a reason to leave and you don’t need to justify yourself to him or to anyone. I get it though. I’m married to a man (litigation lawyer) who is a good one. However, I find it very difficult to argue with him. He’s a lot cleverer than I am and this is what he does for a living. We had a long discussion about it a few years ago and now he isn’t quite so bloody-minded about it and we can have a discussion now without him viewing me as someone making an opposing case. However, I do understand.

Just tell him you don’t feel the same way any more and you can’t get past it. I don’t think you need to say much more than that 🤷🏻‍♀️

Stillfunny · 07/12/2019 10:59

As a parent of adult DCs , I can tell you that you that your own parents will ABSOLUTELY not be disappointed in you. You should be able to tell them anything.
They love you and want only the best. And this guy is not it. They will be so happy to know that you left before you married or had children.
Please leave and go to your parents. They will support you.