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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Move house for DH's new job?

141 replies

Chocstar · 06/12/2019 10:37

My DH has a new job quite a long way from where we live. I think it's best for the children (one of whom has special needs, so lots of things are in place for DC at current school) to stay at the school, where they're thriving, and for my DH to live away during the week. DH wants us all to move. I think we should do what's best in everyone's interests, not just in one person's interest. AIBU to think it'll be best for the children and I to stay where we are?

OP posts:
ButterflyWitch · 06/12/2019 10:39

what the distance/commuting time for his new job? has he any options for flexible working?

Geminijes · 06/12/2019 10:43

Would your marriage survive with your husband living away Mon-Fri?

Would you find it difficult managing both children on your own?

Would you grow resentful of your husband missing out on family life during the week?

Will your husband be able to afford to live away Mon-Fri?

Several questions to consider.

Fairenuff · 06/12/2019 10:47

It would depend on a lot of factors. Did you discuss all this before he applied for the job?

Myyearmytime · 06/12/2019 10:51

Do you own or do you rent ?

Mintjulia · 06/12/2019 10:56

Is your dh going to earn a lot more money that would allow you all to have a better standard of living?

Is he currently working or is this the only job he has been offered?

Would you be moving to an area with more opportunities for you all in the long run?
Or somewhere with less traffic/pollution?

Long distance marriages are very difficult. Is there a compromise?

norfolkforever · 06/12/2019 11:02

I didn`t vote as it would depend on things. We actually have done this. Dh got a great job across the country and we all moved as on paper its great!!

Reality, its not. Only good thing is dh likes his job. The rest is shit. We have decided that as a family we were happier where we were (clues in ma name!). So our goal is to go back, which will take time as dh is looking for a new job where we were and we have a mortgage which means there is a 6 month rule that prevents anyone applying for a mortgage on our house till weve been here 6 months. Otherwise wed be for sale now lol. before we moved here dh worked away mon- fri for 5 weeks. it wasnt too bad actually. we appreciated the weekends more. i had all the chores done midweek etc (plus packing). if you do opt for a whole family move Id strongly suggest you rent first. if only wed done that! if we`d rented we could be moving quicker!! We hate it here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

norfolkforever · 06/12/2019 11:04

oh and we moved here start of october this year. i knew within a week I hated it. Yet beforehand I was really excited (we all were) to come here. I have a psher, bigger house.....

what we have learned is a posh house means naff all. we`d rather be happy. we loved where we were before anyway. we just want to go home.

EL8888 · 06/12/2019 11:06

I would be reluctant to if you are all settled where you are. Especially if the current school is good and supportive. Suppose he doesn’t like the new job or gets made redundant relatively quickly? -this happened to someone on here recently

Lifecraft · 06/12/2019 11:06

Is he the main / only breadwinner? Follow the money. The family goes where the person earning the money goes.

norfolkforever · 06/12/2019 11:07

before we had the same standard of living financially, but we have a bigger mortgage now. we lived in an area that was lovely, low crime........

here highr crime (should have taken the hint at WHY nearly every house here has cctv/ alarms), traffic, soooo many people here! not so friendly.

norfolkforever · 06/12/2019 11:09

OP can you do a 6 month rental? we wish we had! or 12 month?

try it and if you like it fab
if you dont its easier than selling!!!

norfolkforever · 06/12/2019 11:10

pp money really really isnt everything. we `ve learned this now.

cakeandchampagne · 06/12/2019 11:12

It sounds like everyone moving close to his new job only benefits one person: him.

Original poster
Chocstar · 06/12/2019 11:23

Thank you for your views so far. Smile

norfolkforever - What's happening to you is what I fear might happen to you. I'm perfectly happy where we are and things are going so well for our children (they haven't always).

I'll try and answer some of your questions:

I'd definitely manage during the week without DH. I do everything for the children anyway. DH comes home late every evening and so rarely has dinner with us. He often can't make it home for bedtime, but even when he is, he's just working on his laptop, so not really 'present'.

If we moved, we would probably be able to buy a bigger house. However, we already live in a nice enough house, so I don't feel a desire to upgrade, which would only mean more cleaning and gardening for me to keep on top of anyway!

We own our house and while it would be more costly for DH to live away, we would be able to manage it financially.

Yes, DH is the breadwinner, but I do the important job of raising our children.

OP posts:
Reallybadidea · 06/12/2019 11:23

How old are your children? Once they start at secondary and even more so gcse and a level courses then it becomes logistically very difficult to move.

Why not let DH do the job for 6 months to check out the area and job and then move you all if it seems like the best thing to do then? I think him being away all week isn't really sustainable long term, maybe more so if it's just part of the week.

Original poster
Chocstar · 06/12/2019 11:23

norfolkforever I mean us!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 06/12/2019 11:26

Did you discuss any of this before he applied for the job?

Original poster
Chocstar · 06/12/2019 11:26

I should have mentioned: DH will still have over four months of the year back home with us!!! That's more than most spouses have together I think...

OP posts:
lovemenorca · 06/12/2019 11:27

@norfolkforever

I’m interested - do you have children?

Dyrne · 06/12/2019 11:33

I’m always really curious about couples who actively choose to live miles away from each other. Isn’t the point of being in a relationship with someone to live with them? Maybe Because I moved to be with DP, and am very unhappy in my job and life, but did it to be with him. I couldn’t imagine just waving him off to move and accept that we will only see each other at the weekends; unless it was very short term?

Original poster
Chocstar · 06/12/2019 11:42

Dyrne - Because it isn't just about DH or me. It's about what's best for our children's lives, too. When you have a child with special needs, things are difficult to get right in a school.

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 06/12/2019 11:44

What’s the distance/commute time?

Coughsyrupsucks · 06/12/2019 11:50

Depends what the commute time is. DH has just finished a job which was a 4 hour round trip commute (2 hours there, 2 back) on the trains and when they stuffed up, that got a lot longer. It’s been a miserable existence for us all for 3 years. We’ve had no family life because he’s been so exhausted at the weekends and he’s had no life outside of work or the bloody train. He’s not doing it again, we’ll just move closer.

Lifecraft · 06/12/2019 11:56

Yes, DH is the breadwinner, but I do the important job of raising our children.

For which you need money. Children can be raised where his job is. His job can't move to where his children are.

Lllot5 · 06/12/2019 12:02

What’s the commute like?
I would stay let him move for the sake of your children I would stay.