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AIBU?

Move house for DH's new job?

141 replies

Chocstar · 06/12/2019 10:37

My DH has a new job quite a long way from where we live. I think it's best for the children (one of whom has special needs, so lots of things are in place for DC at current school) to stay at the school, where they're thriving, and for my DH to live away during the week. DH wants us all to move. I think we should do what's best in everyone's interests, not just in one person's interest. AIBU to think it'll be best for the children and I to stay where we are?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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Clariana · 06/12/2019 16:09

It is a difficult one, I would be tempted to stay as it can be so difficult to get children settled at school especially when they have extra needs, but.......

I know two families that did this (main earner re-located, family stayed put) and both ended up divorced, they just grew apart.

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andpancakesforbreakfast · 06/12/2019 16:12

I have to say that unless there was no choice, I'd be really cross if dh did this.

I'd say if you are unhappy with your partner career choices, you are free to take over and let him be the SAH parent for a change. Or both work for that matter.

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PBo83 · 06/12/2019 16:14

@andpancakesforbreakfast

As you seem to be in the minority I second your opinion. I find the suggestion that he 'wants' to move for 'his job' a little strange. I guess he wants to move so he can earn more for the benefit of the family as a whole and spend more time with his wife and children.

I'm not saying you should 'up sticks' and move, I just think that:

*I think we should do what's best in everyone's interests, not just in one person's interest."

Is a bit loaded. Unless he has selfish aspirations (earn loads of money and buy a Ferrari etc.) surely he is doing what he believes is in everyone's best interests?

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norfolkforever · 06/12/2019 16:14

OP you can call schools in the area and arrange a visit and a LONG chat with the sendco. use fb pages locally to ask as well.

I still say your dh tries his job for a bit to see if he really likes it enough to move?
you move if he likes it into a rental first. if you ALL settle, great! buy a house! IF like us you hate it, move back at the end of the tenency.
Just be aware of the 6 month resale mortgage rule (google it), thats why I say dont buy straight away (like we did lol). its made us feel pretty trapped. we can only sell to cash buyers or the people needing a mortgage have to apply once our 6 months is up. I cant wait till fucking april!

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norfolkforever · 06/12/2019 16:15

I`m also SAHM.

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norfolkforever · 06/12/2019 16:16

if i win the lottery, well be gone tomorrow lol!!<br /> <br /> Ill keep dreaming.......

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IndecentFeminist · 06/12/2019 16:23

Depends tbh. One person working does not mean that they get to determine the path of everyone else. Which is why I asked why he went for the job. If he is thoroughly miserable doing what he is currently, and there is nothing else closer then fine. But to uproot everyone else including a child with significant additional needs just because he wants to, would by definition, be a selfish act.

How would the OP working have any impact on that? Would her working mean that she was allowed a voice? Obviously it would make moving harder, but the argument seems to be that if she doesn't appreciate him wanting to work 3 hours away then she should start work. I'm trying to ascertain how that would have an effect.

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IndecentFeminist · 06/12/2019 16:24

Is he likely to work the same hours in the new job?

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fishonabicycle · 06/12/2019 16:32

Why do people even bother to post here when they only want to hear one answer? I'm not saying you are right or wrong OP (there is no right or wrong), but you only want to have your opinion validated.

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PBo83 · 06/12/2019 16:36

you only want to have your opinion validated.

Exactly, this should have been obvious from the line:

I think we should do what's best in everyone's interests, not just in one person's interest.

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LetsSplashMummy · 06/12/2019 16:48

I think YABU, he has tried to find a job nearby, you don't appear to have done anything around moving, just dismissed it out of hand.

Sure, you might weigh things up and decide to stay but it is unreasonable to decide that without even looking at schools, SEN provision etc. in the new area.

His life sounds miserable now, hardly seeing you, working long hours. You're driving a lot as well, is there really not a lifestyle change that might make you all a bit happier? You could be near his job and near a school, think if all the lovely time you'd have, not in a car? At least look into it.

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sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/12/2019 16:54

In answer to the PP who asked if people had been in this situation then yes. And yes it ruined the relationship. Short term is fine but anything longer than 6 months a year max is pushing it frankly. I know a lot of people that did it and almost all of their relationships failed. Sometimes one partner cheated, sometimes one was resentful and sometimes the absent partner felt like a visitor of the weekend as the family dynamics changed. I have also known a few military families and whilst they have stayed together it is not uncommon for one of the partners to be unfaithful. There is some truth in the old saying a girl in every port.

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Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/12/2019 16:55

@norfolkforever oh. I think you live in my city. Or if not then Birmingham area (I hope!)

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FairyOnTheTree · 06/12/2019 16:56

I think you would have got more understanding and informative replies to this in the SN forum @Chocstar. You might also find more people in there who have faced the same decision, people who have moved with SEN kids and can offer advice based on their own experiences and so on.

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dottiedodah · 06/12/2019 17:04

I read somewhere moving Schools/Areas puts children behind by about 1 School year or so ,and this is children without any special needs! I think the risks are too high for the family ATM. I appreciate being apart during the week isnt ideal ,but many people manage it ,and people in the forces have to be apart for a lot longer .Can he get home early on a friday and then go to work early on Monday to maximise your time together ?

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Mummyshark2018 · 06/12/2019 17:07

I think that given the op's dh had a job that was paying the bills, had a happy wife and settled dc then moving to earn more or for career reasons is unnecessary and not in the family's best interest. I would be raging if my dh applied for a job 3 hours away without properly consulting with me and considering the impact on everyone. I say this as someone whose dh works abroad 2 weeks a month (weekends included)- this is only short term to finish a project so I am supportive and happy to hold the fort whilst he's away. No way would I accept this arrangement long term though as I'm knackered!

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Goldenchildsmum · 06/12/2019 17:09

Because it isn't just about DH or me. It's about what's best for our children's lives, too. When you have a child with special needs, things are difficult to get right in a school.

This

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Chocstar · 06/12/2019 17:11

I didn't post to have my opinion validated. I wanted to hear others' views.

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Chocstar · 06/12/2019 17:13

@andpancakesforbreakfast
I would work if DH didn't of course!

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Chocstar · 06/12/2019 17:14

DH isn't happy at his current job, which is the main reason he looked for a new one. He also wanted a new challenge.

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Chocstar · 06/12/2019 17:17

My love for DH is not in question. I love him very much.

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Chocstar · 06/12/2019 17:17

@dottiedodah
Thank you for sharing that - I never knew!

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MikeUniformMike · 06/12/2019 17:19

Is your DH a teacher or academic?

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Scapegoatforlife · 06/12/2019 17:22

What was the point in this post ? You obviously didnt want to be told you are unreasonable (which I think you are)

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Fairenuff · 06/12/2019 17:24

I would go with him. He will only be working 4 days a week and the rest of the time he could be helping out with running the house. You would see him every day and if schooling is too difficult I would home school. I would much rather keep the family together.

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