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Move house for DH's new job?

141 replies

Chocstar · 06/12/2019 10:37

My DH has a new job quite a long way from where we live. I think it's best for the children (one of whom has special needs, so lots of things are in place for DC at current school) to stay at the school, where they're thriving, and for my DH to live away during the week. DH wants us all to move. I think we should do what's best in everyone's interests, not just in one person's interest. AIBU to think it'll be best for the children and I to stay where we are?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 06/12/2019 13:06

I sound brutal but it would take something pretty spectacular to persuade me to move. DS1 is 14 and has Autism and whilst he's settled and happy at his school, I can't begin to tell you the journey it's been to get him in this position.

DH travels for his work; some weeks we see each other for one or two nights, other weeks he's home more, and I now travel for my work (I taught previously so that my work fitted around DS1's needs) so we have to plan and juggle well. The fact is, in an ideal world DH would probably prefer to move somewhere closer to his main work area but wouldn't even consider it whilst the DC are at school because he knows the sheer volume of work that's gone into getting DS1 happy, healthy and settled.

I might be going against the grain but as a parent of a child with additional needs I can see why you'd be very reluctant to move.

Chocstar · 06/12/2019 13:16

Thank you for sharing your view and for understanding my situation. My DC has autism, too.

OP posts:
Chocstar · 06/12/2019 13:23

In response to those who think it'll be better for my DC to see their dad everyday. They barely see him in the mornings or evenings at the moment as DH's current job demands very long hours. DH doesn't get home till after bedtime at least once a week and often more. He has to go to work every Saturday and quite a few Sundays a month at the moment. With the new job, he won't have to work weekends and if he can't come home, we can go and stay with him. With the new job, although we won't see one another four days a week (he'll come home Fri evening), we'll actually see him more than we do now overall.

OP posts:
saveforthat · 06/12/2019 13:24

Norfolk. May I ask where you are now?

GinUnicorn · 06/12/2019 13:26

Have you researched the schools in the area he needs to move to? I understand the reluctance but it would be worth investigating what your options are in the new area and how your DC needs can be met.

SteelRiver · 06/12/2019 13:27

Plenty of military marriages work successfully in the way you describe, OP. If you are both secure enough in your relationship, I'd say give it a try. If it then turns out that you'd rather be together, you can then look at moving closer to his workplace.

Nearlyalmost50 · 06/12/2019 13:28

I’m always really curious about couples who actively choose to live miles away from each other. Isn’t the point of being in a relationship with someone to live with them? Maybe Because I moved to be with DP, and am very unhappy in my job and life, but did it to be with him

I think being very unhappy in life kind of answers the question. I'm an academic and lived apart from my husband in the week for years, it worked fine for us but it is quite normal in our sector and many people are LATS (living apart together). Jobs are scarce and a life-changing post for one is not always matched by a job for the other. I found it quite romantic and much easier to crack on with the kids in the week, weekends were a lot of fun. No affairs, if you are looking for an excuse to get away from the family anyway that might happen I guess. I wouldn't want my husband to give up his dream job but I equally wouldn't move countries as it doesn't suit my career, but I do think we weren't people that love domesticity anyway, I can't say I missed him in the week.

charm8ed · 06/12/2019 13:28

Will you actually be financially better off if he’s paying rent to live in the new area.
For what it’s worth I wouldn’t move and give up my life for my DH’s job (I’ve had the opportunity a few times). It doesn’t sound as if you need the extra money.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 06/12/2019 13:29

I think you would be mad to relocate based on his new job, what if he hates it? What if they hate him? I think it is far better for you to stay where you are, see how it goes for 6 months or a year and then re-think if needs be. He's going to be with you anyway for 4 months of the year so it's not like the kids will never see him. Stick to your guns, stay put for now at least.

dontalltalkatonce · 06/12/2019 13:31

I think you are both BU. One job is not more important than the other because you need money to be a SAHP.

The problem I'd have is that his living away, he might wind up thinking he's better off alone or with someone else and then you could be looking at a very bleak future indeed.

kirsty75005 · 06/12/2019 13:36

My parents did something like this for several years when I was a child.

I don't know if mum got lonely but from my point of view it worked well. Having been away all week Dad would really concentrate on family at the weekends and we ended up getting more quality time with him than lots of our friends whose dads worked nearby.

Toomuchgoingon · 06/12/2019 13:39

We have a child with SN and I completely understand the importance of having her in a school that she is happy in. However, in our house I am the breadwinner and if this opportunity came up and it was an excellent job, I would want to move to accept it.

I think in our case, that we would look to limit the time apart as much as possible and then look to move the family at the time when my daughter would change schools anyway. Even though I work long hours, I still get a cuddle from our children every day and they are secure in the knowledge that I come home every day (even if it's late)

My DH would look to balance both scenarios. There was a comment earlier on about it being all about the partner's career, but it's incredibly stressful trying to balance your career and provide all the income for the family. It makes any change of job that much tougher as the pressure is always on to pay the bills etc.
For example, I want to change jobs but won't at the moment due to job security in this uncertain climate...

andpancakesforbreakfast · 06/12/2019 13:41


It feels so flippant to tell someone: go and earn the money, you don't need your home during the week, you can come back at the weekend.

I think you are completely wrong to point blank refuse to do anything that inconvenience you, when he is the one who has to be in charge of the finance for the entire family.

I wouldn't do anything right now. He should start his job, see how he gets on, if he'll want to stay there in the long term, and to start yes spending a few nights a week away to reduce the ridiculous commute (I have 1:30 to 2hours to go to work,and that's way too much already).

But then, yes of course I would relocate the family. Kids can be just as happy in a new school, no rush, you can take time to find the best alternatives in the new place.

To the posters who pretend that the DH is working "for his convenience", are you for real? Maybe he would be happy to take on a job that pay less, but he can't because he's got a family to support and a SAH wife. Nothing wrong with the arrangement, but let's not pretend the man is on a jolly.

Hollachica · 06/12/2019 13:41

I personally would stay where you are an your husband do the Mon to Fri living ear his job.
You are both going to have to work hard at keeping the marriage going. He is with you 1/3 of the year. I think it can be done. It also might mean you and the kids to a weekend or school holidays where your husband works.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 06/12/2019 13:48

I’m always really curious about couples who actively choose to live miles away from each other.

depends on the job and the length of the arrangement.
A few months, even a year or 2 are one thing. I find it weird when it's permanent.

Chocstar · 06/12/2019 13:50

You seem to imply that just because DH earns the money, his job is more important than mine. I can assure you it's not. Also, I didn't tell him to do anything. I didn't tell him to earn the money, just like he didn't tell me to stay home and look after our children. We are both happy with our roles within the family.

OP posts:
norfolkforever · 06/12/2019 13:53

we moved from norfolk to the midlands.

OP ds is also asd

hes okay with the move (helped by the fact hes online schooled, so transition to a new school wasnt needed). But when we talked about how we all feel , he said hed prefer norfolk too. and thats after visiting a kitty cafe (we loved it!), and having tamworth snowdome not far away! so sledging in real snow !!!! all the pluses dont make our location home......or a fancy house lol.

moccaicecream · 06/12/2019 13:53

You seem to imply that just because DH earns the money, his job is more important than mine. I can assure you it's not.

but you can do your 'job' from anywhere as a SAHM/carer.

norfolkforever · 06/12/2019 13:54

we did talk about our options that ds and me may have to live mon -fri again/ dh home for weekends till he had a job. he was fine about that. he`s quite mature!

norfolkforever · 06/12/2019 13:56

@saveforthat do you know me lol?

charm8ed · 06/12/2019 13:57

I think if the OP’s DH didn’t have a job where they currently live and then got a job offer in a new area then not moving would be unreasonable. The OP’s husband however does currently have a job, what if the new job doesn’t work out would the whole family have to move again?

parietal · 06/12/2019 14:02

I agree with those saying give it a 3 month or 6 month trial with you & kids staying where you are and DH away. then re-evaluate, and if it isn't working, you + kids could move to a rental near DH for 6 months. but don't sell up straight away. wait to see how things go.

billy1966 · 06/12/2019 14:02

Your husband chose to move job for himself.
What if you had been working outside the home?
Would you have been expected to also move job so that he can have greater satisfaction.

A family is much more than the breadwinner.
You are not working outside the home because you are doing the critical job of securing a happy childhood for your children.
Having a child with additional needs, that is settled and happy is a massive achievement.

I would not be moving under these circumstances.

The move is about your husband, it is not in the best interests of the whole family.

How many days is he away?
How many hours would he spent with the children during those days if he was actually here.
Not much by the sounds of it.

I think you moving house, schools is a whole lot of grief for one person. YOU.

I wouldn't be doing it.


The child with additional should not be moved.

Beveren · 06/12/2019 14:03

If you're going to see more of him with the new job even with the journey, you might as well give it a go. However, sooner or later he is going to find 6 hours' commuting every weekend fairly soul-destroying and it would make sense to do some careful research into what is available local to the new job by way of schools etc. Some areas are better than others for SEN provision so you might find it easier to find suitable places anyway. I'd suggest you need to look seriously at moving once the oldest child reaches secondary age.

Quartz2208 · 06/12/2019 14:05

I think firstly he needs to go down first and see if he likes it.

Then I think you need to look at the school situation - if your child with additional needs is happy it will be difficult to move them without properly thinking it through.

Whatever you decide please listen to Norfolk - rent yours out and rent there to begin with!

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