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AIBU?

Move house for DH's new job?

141 replies

Chocstar · 06/12/2019 10:37

My DH has a new job quite a long way from where we live. I think it's best for the children (one of whom has special needs, so lots of things are in place for DC at current school) to stay at the school, where they're thriving, and for my DH to live away during the week. DH wants us all to move. I think we should do what's best in everyone's interests, not just in one person's interest. AIBU to think it'll be best for the children and I to stay where we are?

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zucchinicourgette · 06/12/2019 14:06

I would not move immediately. In the past, we moved for DH work, but we wanted to let the children finish out the school year so he moved first and came back at weekends for the first 6 months. That was all fine. Then we all joined him which was also fine, but he turned out to hate the job so relocated back to where we started in the first place and we did the same thing in reverse.

My dc don’t have any additional needs and handled the move fine, but it was a lot of upheaval. I think a new job always comes with risks and at a minimum your dh should try it for several months before you decide to uproot your family. That will also give him a chance to get to know the new area, and you too if you will visit him there some weekends.

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andpancakesforbreakfast · 06/12/2019 14:06

You seem to imply that just because DH earns the money, his job is more important than mine. I can assure you it's not

I am not

what I am saying is that he doesn't have the choice about WHERE he works, or which company employs him, whilst you can raise your kids pretty much anywhere. Unless your DH works from home, you are not on equal footing here, that's all I am saying.

To all the posters flippant about the unreasonable DH:

When you see how long you are stuck in an office, please don't come and pretend that trying to find a decent job for a decent salary is an outrageous concept. It's work, the thing that pays the bills and allows for his wife to stay home with the kids, hardly a holiday.

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Lockshunkugel · 06/12/2019 14:06

I think he was wrong to accept the job but it’s done now. Don’t uproot the children unless the new location is closer to family, friends and schools with better SEN provision than where you currently live.

Make sure that during the four months that DH is at home he does his fair share of childcare so that you can get out more.

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blue25 · 06/12/2019 14:11

You have to be prepared for it to break your marriage. I know 2 couples who did this & both relationships broke down.

Are you both happy only having sex at weekends?

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Chocstar · 06/12/2019 14:12

@andpancakesforbreakfast
DH doesn't go to work to 'allow' me to stay home.

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Chocstar · 06/12/2019 14:16

In response to some more questions:

This living away situation wouldn't be permanent in the long term. Maybe 3-4 years? We'd move at a natural break in schooling.

I don't think commuting for six hours a week is too onerous. I drive two hours a day during the week in order to take my children to school and to pick them up again.

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Disfordarkchocolate · 06/12/2019 14:17

I'd vote for staying where you are as the care needed for your children will be difficult to replicate easily.

When he has started his job and if he feels like it is going to be a long term job then spend some time seeing what support you child would get in school etc. You can always move next year if that's the right decision for your family.

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Blueopal15 · 06/12/2019 14:21

You should do nothing whilst he is in a probationary period - that in itself should give you all time to see whether him being away all week works for all of you or whether you might want to explore the area round the new job

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Chocstar · 06/12/2019 14:21

To those who think it's easy for us to move 'just because I'm a SAHM':

Without wishing to go into my child's extra needs in any great detail, but just to give you some idea, my child has autism and until fairly recently had a full-time 1:1 TA at school. Few children have as many needs as our child. It is not easy to find the right support in a school.

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FairyOnTheTree · 06/12/2019 14:23

Similar situation here @Chocstar. We decided to stay put for exactly the reasons you describe.

Our child with SEN is thriving at his current school, and it has taken a very rocky few years to get to this point. The school staff know him inside out and he enjoys school.

For us, moving him was too big a gamble. There's no guarantee the new LA would uphold his current EHCP, there is no guarantee of getting into a good school, and there would be the MASSIVE fall out involved with transitioning him to a completely new environment etc. I'm not sure it's easy for parents of NT kids to understand the enormous amount of stress involved all round. Moving school is tough for any child but it's a nightmare when significant SEN are involved. When our DS is unsettled life is pretty miserable for the whole family!

I must admit we all find it tough with DH away Mon-Fri but it's a price we feel worth paying currently.

I'm not sure how old your children are but we plan to revisit the idea of moving when it comes to secondary transition. A school move and EHCP review will be happening then anyway, so it seems a sensible time to do it if we are going to go for it. Our DS is in yr4 so a few years left in primary yet. I'd probably be more open to the idea of moving now if he was in KS1 and still had several years left in primary.

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embarassednewname · 06/12/2019 14:26

This living away situation wouldn't be permanent in the long term. Maybe 3-4 years

The older the children, the harder it will be to move.

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daisypond · 06/12/2019 14:28

Three hours’ commute - if that is a double journey of 1.5 hours each way that’s quite normal for lots of people. I do that five days a week, and so do a few of my work colleagues. So if it is that, stay where you are.

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lifeisgoodagain · 06/12/2019 14:29

You can try it, he can rent somewhere near his new work, if it doesn't suit you can then make plans to move the family once you can get all the logistics in place. That said I couldn't do it. I'm 2 hours away from my partner I suppose because that's where we were already living and I'm trying to work out how I can sort out my life here to be able to move - I want to go tomorrow but it's looking more like 18 months

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Loopytiles · 06/12/2019 14:33

How much more money will he be earning? Will this be extra once you’ve covered the cost of his accommodation and travel? Since his work won’t be paying.

You need to consider your own needs as well as DH’s and the DCs’.

Living apart is likely to increase risks of divorce: in the event of divorce you’d presumably have the DC 90% of the time and little money.

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Silencedwitness · 06/12/2019 14:44

I have two children with autism. I wouldn’t uproot them. I don’t particularly like where we live but the kids are too settled to uproot and you can read school policies and speak to senco’s but until you’re in you don’t know what they’ll be like and the fall out of a bad school is horrific (I’ve been there).

Is there nothing more local your dh could look at?

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FLOrenze · 06/12/2019 14:45

You staying in your own home is absolutely the best for everyone. Like lots of people, my DH spent enormous amounts of time abroad while I raised the children. It actually made our marriage stronger. I found it much easier to be alone with them . He too worked ridiculous hours and providing meals etc at odd times plus dealing with his stress took a toll on me. The greatest thing was, if I was exhausted at 7.30 in the evening, I could just crash into bed. The right SN school is so difficult to find . I think he is being unfair to expect his family to uproot.

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lisag1969 · 06/12/2019 14:48

I don't think it would be good for your marriage. You need to be a family and be together. Not all but most men don't like being alone. You don't want to open up opportunities for damage to your marriage that cannot be repaired.

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lisag1969 · 06/12/2019 14:54

If you love your husband stay together.
There are always people out my there willing to give men their time married or not.
The area might end up being nicer for your children to grow up in too.

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safariboot · 06/12/2019 14:55

YANBU. Your children should come first and the best thing for them is to stay in the school they're in (assuming it's good), especially with the special needs aspect. Your DH is choosing to take a new job because he thinks it will make him happier, he doesn't get to drag the whole family along with what he wants!

Moving between the end of primary and start of secondary school might be a good time, if that's not already been and gone. Not now.

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Shookethtothecore · 06/12/2019 15:02

We did this. Dh lived away mon-thurs. it was ok tbh- our weekends were full of fun and with Skype ect we spoke to him all the time, all the boring admin jobs were done in the week and dh focused on work when he was there so didn’t touch the laptop when he was home.
I liked that he had the Friday working from home, I feel that mon-Friday would of been too much. That day at home just made it feel better, it took a while to find out feet with it but once we got into the swing of it all it was fine. He’s home now for a new job roll but with the commute is actually in the house less, we would do it again if needs be no issues

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Dyrne · 06/12/2019 15:07

Chocstar You misunderstood me, sorry. I completely understand why you’d want to stay where you are to keep things consistent for your DC with all the support in place etc.

I definitely don’t understand why your husband has decided to accept a job which will enable him to opt out of family life; and you’re apparently OK with this.

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Doveyouknow · 06/12/2019 15:18

Our son has SN and the amount of time it has taken us to get the support right in school so he can (just about) manage is enormous. Even if we could replicate it in another school, the change would set him back massively. I wouldn't move unless I absolutely had to nor would my DH suggest it because he knows how tough it would be. My other child would be able to move school easily but he doesn't have SN....

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norfolkforever · 06/12/2019 16:00

those posters saying dont do it, itll break your marriage la lal la la.....

have they actually been in this situation???
are their marriages a bit shakey??

i agree with a pp. when dh was away i could have an early night / book in bed. all the admin was done. weekends was more fun. technology now (fb, skype etc) means communication is easy!

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andpancakesforbreakfast · 06/12/2019 16:06

DH doesn't go to work to 'allow' me to stay home.

fine, but how would you support yourself if he didn't go to work? Chocstar

nothing wrong in your family choices, but don't pretend that your DH is working for the sheer fun of it.

No one is saying it's easy to move, and that you should start packing. I disagree that you should refuse full stop. Again, see how it goes, then you could start looking for options.

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IndecentFeminist · 06/12/2019 16:08

Why did he go for this job? I have to say that unless there was no choice, I'd be really cross if dh did this.

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