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AIBU?

Move house for DH's new job?

141 replies

Chocstar · 06/12/2019 10:37

My DH has a new job quite a long way from where we live. I think it's best for the children (one of whom has special needs, so lots of things are in place for DC at current school) to stay at the school, where they're thriving, and for my DH to live away during the week. DH wants us all to move. I think we should do what's best in everyone's interests, not just in one person's interest. AIBU to think it'll be best for the children and I to stay where we are?

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Bippety · 06/12/2019 12:09

Has his job moved, or was he actively applying for jobs away? Is it more pay, if so, do you need this to stay afloat? I don't think it's unreasonable at all for you to stay where you are for the sake of the children if it was fully his choice to apply for other things without having to. If he has had to look elsewhere then it seems unfair for him to be away from his children and you all week. It's something only the 2 of you can decide, my partner works away and works okay for us, but I wouldn't choose it again. There's a whole world of difference of being alone all week with children and knowing that although they aren't much help, they will be walking through the door at some point that evening.

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Chocstar · 06/12/2019 12:20

The commute is about three hours.

DH has been actively job hunting for quite a few years. Of course, ideally, he would have found something closer to home, but he couldn't. Most of the interviews DH went for were not close to home and he knew that there wasn't a guarantee that the whole family would move for his work. He really wanted to pursue a more senior role and he wasn't happy at his current place of work.

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Chocstar · 06/12/2019 12:25

I'm going to put this in bold, as I should have included it on my original post and it might have been missed when I added the message subsequently:

DH will still be living at home with us over four months of the year in total.

We would see each other all day everyday during those times. Would this make a difference to how you view our situation?

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Loopytiles · 06/12/2019 12:25

So you’re a SAHM? If so, what are your aspirations and constraints, eg do you plan to WoH in the short or medium term?

What sort of pay rise would he be getting? What is the labour market like within reasonable daily commuting time where you currently live?

Understand your desire to stay put given the DCs education/additional needs.

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Loopytiles · 06/12/2019 12:26

Why would he be able to have so much time at home?

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IndecentFeminist · 06/12/2019 12:29

Any chance of time working from home? Cause we have done similar, with DH working from home Monday and Friday and staying away Tues and Wed eve

I certainly wouldn't uproot everyone straight off the bat. Especially with Sen provision being as postcode lottery as it is.

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Chocstar · 06/12/2019 12:30

Loopytiles - My work life has been on hold ever since we had children, due to having our wonderful child who happens to come with extra needs! I don't mind not working, as it is important to me that the children are happy and doing well at school.

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EmiliaAirheart · 06/12/2019 12:30

Makes no difference to my view that I’d rather keep the family together - either by moving, your husband not taking the job, or commuting.

I’d rather have some contact with my family everyday over massive intense bursts and long stretches apart.

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Settlersofcatan · 06/12/2019 12:33

I think he shouldn't take the job. It doesn't sound like you need the money, it's more about personal fulfillment for him

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Sickofrain · 06/12/2019 12:36

TBH, I think the 'ideal'' should be that you are all together. If that is not, you need to be mindful of why and what, if anything you can do about it. Maybe you need to be apart for x time, because the money would be life changing for your family. Maybe because a child SO NEEDS, to be in a certain setting, you cannot move from it.

If it's just a difference in opinion and about what is more important in life, you need to address that before it tears you apart.

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Bookbandconfusion · 06/12/2019 12:36

Is the commute 3 hours each way or 3 hours per day?

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Chocstar · 06/12/2019 12:45

3 hours each way.

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charm8ed · 06/12/2019 12:48

The thing is when a DH or DW is living away for a lot of the time there’s a really high chance of one partner having an affair or an emotional affair. I know everyone thinks it won’t happen to them but it’s very common unfortunately.

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cadburyegg · 06/12/2019 12:49

We have 2 DC but only 1 in primary school, as he is happy and thriving at the school I would not disrupt his education by moving house unless it was absolutely essential- like my DH had been made redundant and this had been his only job offer in months. If you desperately needed the money then move but this sounds more like a choice out of personal fulfilment.

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Chocstar · 06/12/2019 12:49

I'm just trying to do what's best for both DH and the DC. I haven't factored in any of my own needs.

DH really wants the new job (which has been accepted).
DC are happy, secure and doing well at their school.

I will absolutely miss DH when he's away, but if the kids and I stay where we are, DH gets his new job and the DC get to remain at their school.

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sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/12/2019 12:56

You might hate it at first but you need to give yourself time to settle. Anyone who moves away needs to give themselves a year to see how things pan out. If you stay and he goes are you going to resent it ifhe has to do anything rather than spend time with you and the kids. Are you going to object if he wants to do things differently to how you do them during the week, a ldr is very difficult to maintain.

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norfolkforever · 06/12/2019 12:56

well OP in your situation and seeing as youre happy where you all are (apart from dh it seems), Id do a 6 month trial either with dh renting a room (thats what my dh did) or something or you all rent a house for 6-12 months .

we have a ds who is 12. hes homeschooled online, so wherever we have internet is fine. <br /> <br /> OP you probably wont see any real difference in your dh being away mon-fri anyway!! so maybe thats an option right there. the new location here looked fab on paper......but now we `re here its very clear we were better where we were. we could try and stay etc. but lifes too short. so this time next year we plan to be back in norfolk, back home!! :)

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MikeUniformMike · 06/12/2019 12:57

If your marriage is strong enough, then why not let him try working away for a year, then decide.

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embarassednewname · 06/12/2019 12:59

I think YABU given the kids are still primary school age and you are a SAHM. I don't think it's in their best interest for their dad to barely ever be there and there is a very high chance your marriage will not survive. Although you don't seem very bothered...

If they were older and you had a job to consider, my answer would have been different.

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norfolkforever · 06/12/2019 12:59

when dh was working away he did find that he got all his work done in the evenings so the weekends were proper family time.

the sex was good ;) absencse and all that......

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sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/12/2019 12:59

There are also going to be times when he will be wanting to stay where he is for the weekend, maybe overtime, a works do, a colleague birthday. How will you feel then if he cant come home for a fortnight

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UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 06/12/2019 12:59

I think you should plan to move, but do so when you are confident that your DC's needs will be met in a new school.

Children are generally happiest with their parents and can cope with moves. It can even be good for their confidence and resilience.

Overall your set up doesn't sound very healthy, with your DH having no involvement in day to day family life and you having no life outside it.

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norfolkforever · 06/12/2019 13:01

dh is a teacher so jobs dont tend to come up february onwards really, so we re using the time to tidying up/ spot of painting etc. and we see it once xmas is done....its not long till february anyway.

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user1494670108 · 06/12/2019 13:04

Can he negotiate or manage his work so he can work from home on Mondays and/ or Fridays? That would make a massive difference and it works for friends of mine as at least their weekends are not nibbled into by the commute

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TheBadCop · 06/12/2019 13:04

seeing that are not working, I think yabu.

I would understand if you would work (I have a severely disabled child and we need to incomes and I have a school hour job which was very hard to get).

But given that you are at home and it would only be a house and school move, no job hunting for yourself, I would move as a family.

I understand that good schools are important but other areas have good schools too.

Your husband is the sole financial provider. I would try to make his life easier, not harder. You all depend on his income and would it not be much better for the DC to see their dad daily rather than just during the weekend?

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